


Obligatory Harry Potter And The Cursed Child Parody

by iheartmwpp



Category: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Albus Is Part Of An Enormous Family That Gets Treated Largely As If It Doesn't Exist, Also I'm Turning HP!Scorpius Into Farscape!Scorpius And You Cannot Stop Me, Anyway I Wish To Register A Complaint, Author Filibusters, Character Study, Discussions Of Queer-Baiting, Discussions That An Aromantic Asexual Probably Shouldn't Be Having, F/M, Gen, Harry Potter Is Not And Has Never Been A Seer, Horcruxes Do Not Randomly Come Back To Life, Humor, M/M, Neville WORKS At Hogwarts And Doesn't Show Up Once, Okay So That Was Several Complaints, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, That One Makes The Least Sense, Trigger Warning - Child Abuse, What Happened To That Conversation in HBP That Made Prophecies A Non-Issue, Whatever I'm Sure It's Fine, Why Are You Implying That Cedric Diggory Was One Step Away From Being A Nazi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-07-05 09:30:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 102,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15860916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: Because I had to. Contains incredibly hard-to-visualize stage directions, all of the daddy issues, and everyone being thoroughly discombobulated by the amount of plot contrivances and bizarre leaps of logic required to make this play even work.





	1. Act 1 Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _It has been a WHILE since I've written anything for Harry Potter. And by that I mean most of this was written for NaNoWriMo back in 2017 and I've just been editing like mad since, not to mention that I wanted to be mostly done with all my Kingdom Hearts nonsense first so I wouldn't be stuck in two vastly different head spaces when it counted. Plus, hey, beginning this on September 1 of all days seemed kind of appropriate._
> 
> _Before we begin, I desperately need to recommend Harry Potter and the Slightly Unfortunate Child by Codee21, which was written by a group of people who actually know how theater works to the point where the video of them performing it is up on YouTube under the same name. I highly encourage checking it out, it's incredibly well-performed and quite hilarious. I also need to recommend Harry Potter and the Extremely Convoluted Stage Play by metalhamster, a parody with a unique nonsensical story that still manages to be more plausible than the original events. Both of those are much shorter than this one will end up being, considering I went line by line and scene by scene combing for stuff to rip apart and the creators of the other two decided to spare their sanity by not doing that, so they'll be quick and enjoyable reads. Whereas this one will be neither. EEEEEYYYYY._
> 
> _...Also I really like Farscape. Watching it while writing this to get quotes for a particular character with the same name as one of the main villains of the show actually got me through writing this in the first place. I highly recommend it if you're into sci-fi and have an appreciation for practical effects and puppetry. I found the first season to be a bit of a hard sit in the early stages, but if you can get past that, the rest of the show is great and the fourth season in particular is, in my worthless opinion, one of the best seasons to ever air on television. In particular, if you want to see a_ real _Slytherin named Scorpius in action then I can't recommend it highly enough. (Though it is a bit of a commitment at eighty-eight full-length episodes plus a two-hour miniseries, especially since it doesn't appear to be streaming anywhere legally at the time of this posting, but ennhhh...)_
> 
> _Expect updates every Saturday until this finishes unless something's wrong with my internet or there's some IRL emergency._
> 
> **And Now Begins The Soon-To-Be Monumental List Of Shit I Blatantly Stole From For The Sake Of Adding Referential Humor In The Vain Hope That It Would Improve Things:** Monty Python, Super Best Friends Play, _Doctor Who, Farscape, Attack on Titan, The Avengers, Fullmetal Alchemist, Archer,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling up to and including confusing rewrites of the epilogue.

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE  
KING'S CROSS

_A busy and crowded station. Full of people trying to go somewhere. Probably the most blatantly obvious thing ever written about a fucking train station. Amongst the hustle and bustle, two large cages rattle on top of two laden trolleys. They're being pulled by two boys, JAMES POTTER and ALBUS POTTER, their mother GINNY, follows after. If they wanted to be grammatically correct GINNY should've been following after. A thirty-seven-year-old man, HARRY, should've had his daughter, LILY, clutching his arm, but she's on his shoulders now._

**Albus:** Due to no demand...

**Harry:** James, give it a rest, I'm trying to reassure your sister that she only has two more years to wait.

**Ginny:** Hang about, I thought that was _my_ line!

**James:** It doesn't matter, because I only said he _might_ be in Slytherin. The only thing on the line is our impression of you in every walk of life. And I'm supposed to have additional dialogue but... *off his dad's glare* That was meant to be Mum's glare but okay.

**Albus:** Hey, remember the part where I wait until James is safely out of earshot before I show any sign of perceived weakness lest he capitalize on it? Fuck that, I want my mummy and daddy to write to me.

**Ginny:** Every day if you want us to.

**Albus:** Not every day. James says most people only get letters from home about once a month. And I was _so close_ to having my original epilogue dialogue but I just had to keep blabbing...

**Harry:** We wrote to your brother three times a week last year.

**Ginny:** For fuck's sake, Harry!

**Albus:** What? James!

_ALBUS looks accusingly at JAMES, who is somehow completely unembarrassed by what is meant to be an embarrassing revelaiton._

**Ginny:** You might not want to believe everything he tells you about Hogwarts. He likes a laugh, your brother.

**Harry:** Are we just outright trading lines now? This is the weirdest revisionist history ever.

**Ginny:** It's like they just skimmed the bloody dialogue, I swear...

**James:** *with an annoyed look* Can we go on with the pointlessness now, please?

_ALBUS looks at his dad, and then his mum. Everyone else is presumably staring at the ceiling I guess._

**Ginny:** All I have to do is explain something to my own children who have already done this at least when James went if not Teddy or some Weasley cousin or other, and pretend this is entirely for their benefit and not for the benefit of the impatient audience who absolutely know what's going on and don't need the recap.

**Lily:** Seriously, what are the odds that anyone _won't_ at least be vaguely knowledgeable about this franchise when seeing this, why would you bother going otherwise.

**Harry:** But it's so heartwarming to hear me repeat Mrs. Weasley's words to me from so long ago!

**Albus:** Keep telling yourself that, sport.

_HARRY and LILY put their hands on ALBUS's trolley, which must've been quite awkward for Lily if she's still on HARRY's shoulders which she must be since the stage directions never indicated otherwise — GINNY joins JAMES's trolley — together, the family run hard into the barrier. That should be the family_ runs _hard into the barrier, I don't give a fuck how you say it in British, let me pretend my degree is good for fucking_ something.

ACT ONE, SCENE TWO  
PLATFORM NINE AND THREE-QUARTERS

_Which is covered in thick white steam pouring from the HOGWARTS EXPRESS. Damn I wish I were back in Orlando._

_The station is also busy — but instead of people in sharp suits going about their day — it's now witches and wizards in robes mostly trying to work out how to sound sad about being separated from their little mistakes for ten months while inwardly jumping up and down in anticipation of some peace and quiet for once in their fucking lives._

**Albus:** This is it.

**Lily:** I am shocked and amazed at the wonder of everything around me despite me having been here several times before to at _least_ see off James and not Teddy or a Weasley cousin!

**Albus:** Platform nine and three-quarters.

**Lily:** ...Yes, I _am_ old enough to read, thank you. Now excuse me while _I_ steal _your_ line about wondering where Aunt Hermione and Uncle Ron are.

**Albus:** Go. Eat. A boat.

_HARRY, seemingly not noticing PERCY's voice in the crowd this time, points out RON, HERMIONE, and their daughter, ROSE. HUGO was left behind because his parents had the sense to be ashamed of what they named him._

**Lily:** Uncle Ron. Uncle Ron!!!

_RON turns toward them as LILY goes barreling up to him. He picks her up in his arms._

**James:** Whisper in her ear that she smells.

**Ron:** I'm not gonna do that to my favorite Potter!

**James:** ...Thanks, Uncle Douchebag.

**Albus:** You'd think his own well-established insecurities would've taught him a thing or two about playing favorites...

**Lily:** Shut up, I'm trying to get him to do one of the few stage directions I could never quite visualize. Not a great way to start.

**Ron:** Are you aware of the Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes-certified nose-stealing breath?

**Rose:** Mum! I don't remember this being in the epilogue!

**Hermione:** Now now, this shouldn't be taken as an extreme warning sign that all semblance of following even the barest notion of anything canonical will be completely thrown out the window or anything! It's not like this is the third film which opened on Harry deliberately performing magic illegally outside school with no repercussions oh wait no it's exactly like that boy are we fucked. See what I did there? I compared it to shit!

**Ron:** Hang on, I apparently just swallow air and blow it back in my niece's face...

_He burps in her face. LILY recoils._

**Lily:** For real?

**Ron:** Young lady, get ready to look like Voldemort in a wig...

_He lifts her nose off. Seriously, how are they doing this on-stage, is it meant to be literal since they can do that with magic and that's what I would expect from a book or film, is it the normal lame Muggle trick, I can't picture this for shit._

**Lily:** Great, now I'll fit right in on Barcelona.

**Ron:** Not for long, you won't!

_His hand is empty. It's a lame trick. Everyone enjoys its lameness._

**Lily:** Oh look, the most remembered line from this whole script. Also it's the most perfect summary I've seen...

**Albus:** Let's skip way far ahead and have me focus on why everyone's staring at us, only phrased as a statement instead of a question.

**Ron:** It's me. I'm extremely famous.

**Hermione:** Aww, that's one of my favorite things you've said in the entire septology!

**Ron:** I know! My nose experiments are legendary!

**Hermione:** ...And you ruined it. You fucking ruined it.

**Harry:** Parked all right, then?

**Ron:** ...Gin, has he been stealing other people's lines for you too?

**Ginny:** Oh boy has he.

**Ron:** Huh. Anyway, Hermione didn't believe I could pass a Muggle driving test, did you? She thought I'd have to Confund the examiner.

**Hermione:** ...Sorry, actual correct line from the epilogue threw me for a second there. And no, I have... _had,_ the shit, it already happened — I had complete faith in you.

**Rose:** And I have complete faith that he _did_ Confund the examiner.

**Ron:** That was supposed to be told to Harry in confidence! And cars have rear cameras now, I'm gonna fucking use them if they're there!

**Hermione:** Okay yeah, being punished for using every tool at your disposal is in fact some bullshit.

**Albus:** Dad...

_ALBUS pulls on HARRY's robes, which boy would that have drawn a peculiar glance or seven on the Muggle side of the train station if he really had been wearing robes. HARRY looks down._

What happened to getting a sneak peak at the Malfoy family and James freaking out about Teddy snogging Victoire?

**Harry:** Teddy's here? Cool, I should say hello before we leave...

**Albus:** I'm sure you will, but why wasn't that included?

**Harry:** Pfft, I don't fucking know.

**Albus:** Great...so back to my deep-seated fears about being sorted into Slytherin...

**Harry:** HOW HAS NOTHING CHANGED IN NINETEEN YEARS. PETER PETTIGREW WAS A GRYFFINDOR. QUIRINUS QUIRRELL WAS A RAVENCLAW. WHY DOES NO ONE REMEMBER THIS.

**Albus:** ...So I don't have an alliterative name like that—

**Harry:** Albus Severus, you were named after a guy who manipulated me my whole life to the point of sending me to my death, and a guy who is most fondly remembered for wanting to bang your grandmother and getting super salty when he wasn't able to. Why would you be at all worried about your future when you have such sterling examples of men to light your way?

**Albus:** I hope when I grow up I get to be as fucking clueless as you. Also, remember how my first namesake once suggested that we sort too soon? _I wonder what house he would've fit in later in life._

**Harry:** Hey, you know how in the book I reassured you that your mother and I wouldn't give a shit? Here I'll just let you know about the Sorting Hat sometimes listening to what you want.

**Albus:** My godfather said it didn't for him.

**Harry:** Well it did for me.

_This is something he's never said before apart from the time that he and DUMBLEDORE had that really in-depth conversation about it, and while in the book it was all about ALBUS's reaction, here let's focus more on the dad reassuring himself instead of his kid._

Hogwarts will be the making of you, Albus. I promise you, there is nothing to be frightened of there. We only had to deal with Voldemort, Death Eaters, three-headed dogs, Devil's Snare, death chess, fully-grown mountain trolls, people mad enough to drink unicorn blood, people who would rather erase your memory then have their fraudulent activities exposed, possession, basilisks, Horcruxes, dementors, presumed mass murderers, werewolves, people flawlessly disguising themselves with Polyjuice Potion, dragons, drowning, Blast-Ended Skrewts, Acromantulas, grindylows, Umbridge, a truly corrupt government stalling us at every point, prophecies, giants, hexes, curses, date rape drugs, cannibalism, Unforgiveables, the castle exploding, the brutal murders of everyone we loved, and Madam Puddifoot's. I promise you that you won't have to worry about, like, fifty percent of that.

**James:** Also thestrals.

**Albus:** I thought they were invisible? _You told me they were invisible!_

**James:** Look at you. You're flipping your shit like pancakes.

**Albus:** I love pancakes.

**Harry:** In the book I reassured you that thestrals were fine. In the play, fuck you I guess. So, um, do what your professors say and not what James says, and above all, have loads and loads of fun at the death trap we still insist on sending people back to for some reason! Now get on the fucking train already, if I'm being honest I need you and James out of my hair for once.

**Lily:** IMMA CHASE THE TRAIN!

**Ginny:** You didn't in the book, you're not now, and that's final.

**Hermione:** Rose. Remember to send Neville our love. James and Albus certainly won't, never mind that the latter's his fucking _godson..._

**Rose:** Mum, why are you stealing Aunt Ginny's lines while I now have James's? Honestly, don't these people _read?_ I honestly don't think I'd be half as pissed off if every single bit of marketing surrounding this play didn't hype it up so much as the _official_ eighth story...

_ROSE fucks off. And then ALBUS turns and hugs GINNY and HARRY but not LILY because why bother exploring the middle child's relationship with his FUCKING SIBLINGS before following his cousin._

**Albus:** OKAY BYEEEEE!

_He climbs on board. HERMIONE, GINNY, RON, and HARRY stand watching the train — once again, fuck LILY — as whistles blow up and down the platform._

**Ginny:** They're going to be okay, right? I ask, desperate for comfort myself instead of confidently reassuring Harry.

**Hermione:** DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT HOGWARTS IS LARGE!?

**Ron:** Mm. Remember all the free food? It's kind of an actual paradise.

**Harry:** Strange, Al worried that we wouldn't agree with the color scheme of his bedroom. Like that's important in the long run.

**Hermione:** I think they've completely done away with the first years can't have brooms thing, since Rose is convinced she can make the team this year. Also she wants to take her OWLs early. Even _I_ wasn't that mad!

**Ron:** Says you.

**Ginny:** Apparently I'm not okay if Al goes into Slytherin since I can't even bring myself to say it. But seriously, would _you_ be okay with it, Harry?

**Harry:** FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME. IN THE BOOK, I TOLD AL, AND I QUOTE, “IT DOESN'T MATTER TO US.” THAT ONE LINE SHOULD AUTOMATICALLY NEGATE LIKE HALF THIS FUCKING PLAY. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY IT'S STILL SUCH A BIG DEAL.

**Ron:** You know, Gin, we always thought there was a chance you could be sorted into Slytherin.

**Ginny:** Considering what we're discussing I really shouldn't appear so scandalized, but do go on.

**Ron:** Well think about it. You had to be pretty cunning to have used our brooms for so long without anyone noticing. It could've been a reasonable ambition for you to want to show all of us you were more than just the youngest and the girl. Not to mention you were in possession of one of Voldemort's Horcruxes at the time you were Sorted, which we've been told was the main reason why Harry was considered. It's not the most unreasonable assumption to make, you know.

**Hermione:** Okay, I'm sick of all the staring, let's go.

**Ginny:** Gee, it's almost as if the heads of two of the Ministry's most important offices, the co-runner of the most successful shop in Diagon Alley, and a former pro Quidditch player might get noticed on the street or something.

_The four exit. GINNY stops HARRY._

Harry...you never reassured me that Al will be all right. I don't care that I comforted you and am super confident in canon, in this alternate reality _I_ constantly have to lean on _your_ shoulder. Apparently.

**Harry:** Oh quit your bitching, he'll be fine.

_HARRY pauses._

Hey guys, you know how all was well?

**Ron, Hermione, and Ginny:** Yeah?

**Harry:** WANNA COMPLETELY FUCK THAT UP?

**Ron, Hermione, and Ginny:** FUCK YEAH, WE'RE OFF TO A ROLLICKIN' GOOD START!

ACT ONE, SCENE THREE  
THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS

_ALBUS and ROSE walk along the carriage of the train._

_The TROLLEY WITCH approaches, pushing her trolley despite it not being even close to time for her to be doing so._

**Trolley Witch:** Anything from the trolley, dears? I know I'm not supposed to be doing this just yet, but I am _so_ fucking bored...

**Rose:** *spotting Albus's loving look at the Chocolate frogs* Al. How dare you be hungry while I'm trying to plan shit.

**Albus:** I'm scared now.

**Rose:** We have to be really careful as to who we're friends with. Lifelong friendships are apparently always made when you're forced into a train compartment with someone. There's just no other way, is there? My parents met your dad their first trip to Hogwarts, after all. Your dad also met your mum before the train left, and Professor Longbottom even stopped by! Even Auntie Luna counted even if not for another couple of years! Your brother's namesakes as well — it all fits!

**Albus:** You have a very narrow outlook on life, you know that?

**Rose:** Hey, point is we're the kids of a bunch of famous people. We have the luxury of treating all these plebeians as objects and picking and choosing people based on the traits that _we_ desire!

**Albus:** How the fuck are _you_ not getting Sorted into Slytherin in the next scene.

**Rose:** I think this next line makes me more of a Ravenclaw: I want to go up and down the entire train evaluating everyone and picking the group of people I like best. This'll look good on my resume, when I apply for Imperial Asshole College.

**Albus:** Still sounding like a Slytherin to me.

_ALBUS opens a door — looks in on a fully grown man in what appears to be a full leather gimp suit with the face exposed, showcasing black lips, yellow teeth, and ridges around his eyes and cheekbones made to give the appearance of not being entirely human, with what looks like additional leather armor covering his chest and upper arms, and circles where his ears should be that are embedded with small red lights I mean a lonely blond kid, SCORPIUS, in an otherwise empty compartment. ALBUS smiles. SCORPIUS smiles back. The SHIPPERS immediately pull out their notebooks._

**Albus:** Yo. Anyone else in here?

**Scorpius:** Welcome! And no. Can't imagine why...

**Albus:** Well, mind if we sit for a bit? She'll want to leave eventually 'cause she's a fucking weirdo who likes to judge others and I'll probably leave when she does, but—

**Scorpius:** Oh permission granted.

**Albus:** READY FOR THE MOST AWKWARD AND INSECURE INTRODUCTIONS IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE!?

**Scorpius:** FINE! BUT DO YOURS AT THE SAME TIME!

**Albus:** WHY DO PEOPLE FIND THIS ENDEARING.

**Scorpius:** I HAVE NO IDEA. IT JUST MAKES ME CRINGE AND WANT TO STOP WATCHING/READING BECAUSE I'M REMINDED OF MY OWN AWKWARDNESS AND INSECURITY. AS ARE YOU.

**Albus:** RIGHT? I CAME HERE FOR ESCAPISM, NOT FOR MANKIND TO RECEIVE A GRIM REMINDER.

**Scorpius:** I UNDERSTOOD THAT REFERENCE.

**Albus:** WHY ARE WE STILL YELLING!

**Scorpius:** _THAT'S HOW AWKWARD WE ARE!_ WE'RE NATURAL ALLIES, ALBUS!

_ROSE is getting more and more annoyed by the second._

**Rose:** Okay so you two are awkward and I, the daughter of Hermione Fucking Granger, am extremely judgmental. Now that we got that out of the way...

**Scorpius:** WHO WANTS CANDY. Make a decision, you two. You have nothing to fear from this commitment.

**Rose:** I've just had breakfast, thanks.

**Albus:** ...It's past eleven.

**Rose:** I SAID I JUST HAD BREAKFAST FUCK YOU.

**Scorpius:** Aw come on, I've got Fizzing Whizbees, Shoc-o-Choc which I don't think is actually a thing since I've _been_ to both Honeydukes and your dad's shop and I don't remember them having that, um, and also Pepper Imps and Jelly Slugs. And — you know how parents sometimes teach their kids little rhymes or sayings in order to make their instructions stick in your head even well into adulthood when they don't come close to applying anymore? I'm gonna repeat one that my mum told me about using sweets to bribe people into becoming my friends, just to further amplify my social awkwardness! As a matter of honor, sometimes...we must be willing...to give of ourselves.

**Albus:** Cool. And now for the revelaiton that Ginevra Potter does not allow her children to eat sweets.

**Scorpius:** Frell, your mother's awf—wait, actually, she used to be a professional athlete. Well then, Albus...tell me. What did you expect?

**Albus:** Certainly not the part where she didn't visibly send me and James off with any food for the trip where the only food available for purchase on said trip is nothing _but_ sweets.

**Scorpius:** Yeah that makes less sense. Yes. I believe perhaps...there is a basis for us to trust one another.

_ROSE hits ALBUS out of sight of SCORPIUS._

Wanna try a Pepper Imp, then? Please do. I've always considered them to be one of the spicy candies, which is why I didn't even bother looking at them when I went to Honeydukes, but apparently they're just really strong peppermints. Still makes you smoke at the ears, though, you need a gimmick like that or it's not magic.

**Albus:** Brilliant, I think I'll start with that so my taste buds will be completely ruined and I won't be able to properly taste any of the others— *Rose hits him again* Rose, would you stop physically abusing me in front of the stranger, they might think it's _actual_ abuse and not just average family flailing.

**Rose:** Why would anyone think that, I'm not visibly doing anything.

**Albus:** _Boy_ are you not helping your case when you say creepy shit like that.

_SCORPIUS's face falls. Off. Just slides right the fuck off._

**Scorpius:** She's physically abusing you because she wants both of you to stop talking to me. Well. That's too bad. *puts his face back on*

**Albus:** Look, I don't really approve of your idea to spend the day going up and down the train and invading every compartment uninvited, at least not without some sugar-induced fake energy—

**Scorpius:** Do you know who I am?

**Albus:** Er—

**Scorpius:** You're Albus Severus Potter. She's Rose Granger-Weasley. Now listen carefully, my name is Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy. Clearly she's uncomfortable being the only one with a sensible name.

**Albus:** He beat me by one second.

**Scorpius:** Also our parents didn't get along at school, no matter how much fanfiction tries to imply it was all just unresolved sexual tension. What needs to happen right now is...persuasion. You know so little of me. Let's remedy that.

**Rose:** For fuck's sake, your mum and dad are Death Eaters!

**Scorpius:** *affronted* _Were! Were_ Death Eaters! And it was just my dad. By which measure I should not be judged.

_ROSE scoffs, and SCORPIUS psychically knows why._

Oh for frell's sake, not this stupid boll yotz again. Has she said it yet?

_ALBUS looks from a disgusted ROSE to a defeated SCORPIUS._

**Albus:** No, what kinda bullshit we talking about here?

**Scorpius:** The stupidest theory you've ever heard, and there was an old fan theory about Ron Weasley being a time-travelling Albus Dumbledore, anyone remember that dren? I do. I don't think even the most insane crackfic would use _this_ one as a plot. The _rumor_ is that my parents couldn't have children. The _truth_ is that Mum wasn't well and it was probably a bad idea. The _rumor_ is that my father and grandfather were so desperate for, not necessarily a powerful heir but an heir of any kind, that they...that they used a Time-Turner to send my mother back, evidently regardless of her views on the subject...I miss when a woman was writing our mythos...her track record wasn't always flawless but she might've had _some_ idea how utterly wrong all of this sounds...

**Albus:** You've lost me.

**Rose:** The impossibly implausible theory is that he's Voldemor's son, Al.

_A horrible, confusing silence._

...Fucking _how_ , I have no idea, since if you go back more than five hours and then try to come back, you'll end up aging the amount of time you went back, so — how much older is Teddy than us?

**Albus:** Like eight years?

**Rose:** Exactly, if your mum was sent back in time and became pregnant, and then got sent back to the future, she would've had an eight-year-old bursting out of her abdomen and probably would've died on the spot, best case scenario.

**Scorpius:** Ta for that lovely visual. My appreciation.

**Rose:** Also it doesn't make any sense for the Malfoys to want a heir of their own bloodline and instead turn to a different one, only claiming the offspring as their own after the fact. If your mum couldn't produce a child with her husband, I think it more likely that your grandfather would be your real father and your dad your half-brother. Again, not really taking Astoria's feelings on any of this into account, but it's infinitely more likely that this stupidity that was made up for the drama.

**Scorpius:** I'd like to go on record and state that everything you just said is also horse dren. That's crap. Coming out of a horse's butt. Everyone needs to know this.

**Rose:** Hey, least you got a nose, am I right?

**Scorpius:** Yep. I sure do take after my father. _Draco._ How infectious...is this disease.

**Albus:** I mean, it hasn't exactly stopped a crapton of “My grandfather isn't my dad's real father” fics from finding loopholes about charms and spells that permanently alter one's appearance.

**Scorpius:** Granted. I'm just saying, I don't mind being my _real_ father's son, even though I'd rather not be shackled to such an infamous name so I can go my own way and not be continuously punished for not being an exact replica which for some reason everyone expects me to be.

**Albus:** This guy gets me.

_SCORPIUS and ALBUS look at each other and something passes between them. The SHIPPERS immediately set about writing porn involving these two eleven-year-olds._

**Rose:** ...Welp, I'm leaving.

**Albus:** For real?

**Scorpius:** I am currently unarmed. I bear you no ill will. Perhaps we should um...reorder...and share a repast.

**Rose:** Nope, we're out, come on, Al.

_ALBUS is thinking deeply. It looks painful._

**Albus:** Enh...nah. *off Rose's look* Hey wow, maybe we don't have to be fucking attached to the hip all year or whatever it was you were expecting to happen.

**Rose:** Albus. This might be the last civil conversation we ever have, you realize that.

**Albus:** Well maybe if you judged people less on who their parents were you wouldn't have this problem. Wasn't that the whole point of the war our parents fought in, that Uncle Fred died in? I could potentially see this from Uncle Ron's daughter, but definitely not Aunt Hermione's. This is less me expecting you to be her clone and more me expecting her to have taught you better.

_ROSE looks at him a second and then leaves the compartment._

**Rose:** Please dine on many dicks. Seventeen, perhaps.

_SCORPIUS and ALBUS are left — looking at each other — unsure._

**Scorpius:** Well. That happened. I was just starting to enjoy the pain.

**Albus:** Yep. Also you should thank your mum — buying people's friendship with candy really does work.

**Scorpius:** Your cousin...She's special, don't you think? Lovely girl.

**Albus:** I wouldn't know.

**Scorpius:** Well I do and I'm telling you she is. I really like how direct she is, too. So anyway...Your turn. Albus or Al?

_SCORPIUS grins and pops two sweets in his mouth._

**Albus:** *thinks* ...Albus. Calling me Al makes me think of Alphonse Elric. I am not a fan of being outshined by such a far superior character.

**Scorpius:** *smoke comes out of his ears* THANK YOU FOR ACCEPTING MY BRIBE, ALBUS. IT'S GOOD THAT YOU CAME.

**Albus:** Phrasing, BOOM!


	2. Act 1 Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _If Thorne had bothered to show any kind of whispered conversation between Albus and the Sorting Hat, explaining both of their motivations for Albus winding up in Slytherin in the first place, I feel like I would have far less of a problem with this play. Or at least have less things to be annoyed about in general. I don't even care that Albus wound up in Slytherin; I care that he had seemed so determined to avoid it, and that Harry had even given him advice on how to avoid it, but that we never see that advice used. We don't even know if he_ did _use it and the Hat pulled the same thing he did with Neville and ignored it. This is what the entire Epilogue was leading up to and they completely squandered their chance, rendering the Epilogue itself completely fucking worthless._
> 
> _Also I suppose I should mention that there's some mild Dumbledore-bashing in this chapter. And in this parody. I prefer to call it constructive criticism of a man who has, in fact, made many massive mistakes in his life in his attempt to do good; to me, one's actions generally matter more than the intentions behind them. But I know some people will disagree with me, so..._
> 
> **...Does Anyone Actually LIKE Albus In This Play, 'Cause I Find Him Rather Intolerable And I Want To Know If It's Just Me:** _Farscape, The Lord of the Rings,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Avatar: The Last Airbender, Naruto, Hamilton, Gravity Falls,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling who I feel would have at least justified some of her narrative choices through dialogue instead of not doing that.

ACT ONE, SCENE FOUR  
TRANSITION SCENE

_And now we enter a never-world of time changes. And this scene is_ all _about skipping around to a few important bits here and there so we can get to the parts that matter with a minimalistic amount of set-up._

_First we got these three's sortings because they're going to be the only ones who matter, and everyone is dancing around ALBUS. Which, play, I get it, but I'm picturing the Very Potter Musicals now and it's very awkward._

**Polly Chapman:** Do we matter? Do any of us matter? Do we even deserve names?

**Karl Jenkins:** Hey, someone's got to be around to establish the shitty, shitty part of humanity that holds celebrities up to such a ridiculously high standard that even the slightest trace of flaws, i.e. humanity, that is shown will make us turn on them instantly.

**Yaan Fredericks:** I mean it's one thing for legitimate backlash to occur if it comes out that someone famous you used to admire turned out to be a complete and total monster; you're sort of encouraged to turn on them at that point. It is entirely another matter to bring up something shitty they said nearly a decade ago that they've spent literal years since then trying to move past and atone for, ignoring the apology they've already given during those years, and make it out like it's a bigger problem than those who actually do harm while unintentionally (or perhaps completely intentionally) discouraging others from ever improving themselves as people. No I'm not talking about anyone in particular, why would you ask that?

**Rose:** Oh, were you talking about my cousin, then? Albus Potter, the kid right over there? He's my cousin, you know. *as they turn* Yep. This behavior somehow doesn't qualify me for Slytherin.

_The SORTING HAT, far beyond singing a song before it even starts sorting, has already begun to put students in random Houses. It occurs to ALBUS, who's heard tales of MCGONAGALL and sometimes FLITWICK handling the opening ceremony, that this would have been the absolute perfect time to shove NEVILLE into the play. Seriously, where the fuck is he._

_The SORTING HAT approaches ROSE, the first of the students who matter alphabetically, and ROSE tenses up as she awaits which color scheme her bedroom is fated to have._

**Sorting Hat:**  
They've added some choice syllables  
Just to extend this fucking song  
Although it may seem fine at first  
I don't know why, it just feels wrong

By Merlin's beard, at least it's short  
The lot would be too hard for me  
This last couplet will now let us  
Get back to normalcy

**Rose:** ...You know what, let's give them that.

**Albus:** Agreed, writing Sorting songs is hard. And didn't it get set on fire that one time?

**Rose:** That's bound to mess anyone up.

**Scorpius:** Relax, you two. Soon it will all be over. Also five sickles says JKR herself kept coming up with reasons to miss the Sorting every year so she wouldn't have to come up with a new one for every book.

**Albus:** I'm not taking that bet, you're probably super right! Though why he's singing now while in the midst of sorting everyone is anyone's guess...

**Sorting Hat:** Rose Granger-Weasley.

_He...removes his own head I guess, and balances it on ROSE's head._

GRYFFINDOR! SOMEHOW!

_There's cheering from the Gryffindors as ROSE joins them._

**Rose:** Thank...Merlin. I'm thanking Merlin. I am not doing this “thank Dumbledore” bullshit. Shit's still too raw for that. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore was a manipulative, emotionally abusive mess of a person who tried to do the right thing but ultimately put everyone in more danger. He sent an infant into an environment that he _knew_ had the potential to be abusive and never made sure that it wasn't. He put Voldemort-bait in a school full of small children behind an easily accessible door behind which three first-years could get through. He never bothered asking Myrtle how she was killed so that he could clear Hagrid's name and perhaps expose Riddle. I just realized we hardly ever see Hagrid in this play, what the shit, he'd be a fantastic ally to Al especially. Moving on: Dumbledore let two teenagers fuck around with the laws of time and space, which has to be the most irresponsible and stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. He refused a student the treatment he needed post acromantula-bite and Cruciatus Curse until after he'd milked him for information, and then refused that same student with visible signs of PTSD and a possible concussion the support he needed for months, _and_ his withholding of his own information caused a good man to be killed. His complete lack of action concerning a guy he _knew_ wanted to kill him nearly resulted in the deaths of two students, one of whom was my _fucking father,_ and led to an invasion of Death Eaters that could have caused far more deaths than just his own and that of Uncle Bill's face. And while I don't actually blame him for not wanting to get into a death match with the one he loved, even if it could have saved hundreds of lives, I do think that he could never drop the “greater good” mentality. While do I believe that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, I think the few should be given a fucking say in the matter before you turn them into fucking chess pieces! *breathes heavily* And I get that JKR's version of Merlin could've been just as human as Dumbledore was, but the difference is that there has been a long stretch of time between Merlin and us, long enough for history to become legend and legend to become myth. Dumbledore has not yet had that luxury. Maybe in a few centuries, but certainly not now. *blinks and looks around at everyone staring at her* Okay, I'm done. And I know you don't want to hear this rant every time so I'll just end this right now by saying that there will be no more “thank Dumbledore” or anything of its kind for the rest of this parody because fuck that noise.

_SCORPIUS runs to take ROSE's place under the SORTING HAT's glare._

**Sorting Hat:** Hey maybe wait your turn, shitbird.

**Scorpius:** Please, you're here to sort the only three people here who matter and you know it. Resume your work.

**Sorting Hat:** Good point, all right then.

_He puts his skull on SCORPIUS's head. I just noticed they gave the SORTING HAT a gender. Did anyone ask if he actually identifies as male? What pronouns he might prefer? Can a fucking hat even conceive of what gender is? Or was this stated that way in the script because a dude once saw a film where the SORTING HAT was voiced by another dude and he wanted to established that when the casting happened he wanted a male voice, 'cause I'll accept that._

SLYTHERIN!

_SCORPIUS was expecting this, he nods and half-smiles. There's cheering from the SLYTHERINS as he joins them._

**Polly:** All children are clones of their parents and nothing will ever convince me otherwise!

_ALBUS walks swiftly to the front of the stage._

**Sorting Hat:** Albus Potter. Maybe you people should wait until you're called before ambling up here.

_He puts his face on ALBUS's head — and this time he seems to take longer — almost as if he too is confused. This would have been a great opportunity to show the SORTING HAT's, and indeed the playwright's, thought process as to how ALBUS ended up a Slytherin. Hell, maybe a whispered conversation between the SORTING HAT and ALBUS that showed ALBUS taking his father's advice and chanting “Not Slytherin” in his head over and over would've been nice, which the HAT could've ignored anyway since we know from NEVILLE that that can also happen. I'm just saying it would've been nice to have something. You know. Instead of nothing._

SLYTHERIN!

_There's a silence._

_A perfect, profound silence._

_One that could've been ruined in the best and most hilarious way if a few audience members that had held onto that theory for years decided to cheer._

_Tell me that happened at one of the first shows._

**Polly:** ...This is, like, against everything I've ever learned!

**Craig Bowker, Jr.:** Yes. 'Cause you learned wrong.

**Polly:** But it was right up until this point!

**Craig:** What houses are the rest of us in that we would act this way, anyway?

_ALBUS looks out, unsure. SCORPIUS smiles, delighted, as he shouts across to him._

**Scorpius:** Oh as it should be. Nothing wrong with a little subversion of expectations! Now of course, where things go from here is a matter of relative importance. Either they have no plan whatsoever...or they're about to implement one...which isn't immediately apparent. But forget all that! You can stand next to me! I know we're supposed to be sitting down at our tables with everyone else, but I think we can accept the limitations of the stage on this one.

**Albus:** *thoroughly discombobulated, a word that'll be used a weirdly large amount in this play* You all wanted this! Especially those of you who said you didn't!

**Yaan:** ...Okay, so why aren't we jumping to the conclusion that _he's_ Voldemort's son now? I mean, math and time travel aside, we all somehow assume Draco altered Scorpius's appearance to look more like a Malfoy, but Malfoys are, in fact, expected to go into Slytherin. Potters are not, according to our perception. And if Harry's such a forgiving guy that he would name his second child after two people who helped make his life miserable, it could be surmised that he would forgive Voldemort's child for not being his father and take him in and raising him himself. Why doesn't _anyone_ ever bring up this slightly more likely possibility for this increasingly stupid theory?

**Rose:** Damn it Albus, I had our whole lives planned out, and you ruined it by being your own individual self! I will never forgive you for this! Apparently!

**James:** I don't deserve any kind of reaction because I'm not important enough!

**Victoire:** Nor do I and nor does any other member of our giant extended family who you know has to be here in some form right now!

_And suddenly a flying lesson is happening with MADAM HOOCH in a way that I'm sure isn't jarring in the slightest._

**Madam Hooch:** Did everyone see the first film? Good, now go stand next to the broomsticks that I'm sure just spontaneously appeared.

_The kids all hurry into position beside their brooms._

Stick out your hands out...Stick _out_ your hands _out,_ what the fuck kind of word placement is that...Anyway, say “Up!”

**Everyone:** UP!

_ROSE's and YANN's brooms sail into their hands._

**Rose and Yann:** BOOSH!

**Madam Hooch:** Come on, now, I've no time for people with visibly no talent. Say “Up.” “UP” like you aren't a total failure. Is kind of what I'm implying here.

**Everyone except Rose and Yann:** UP!

_Brooms sail up, including SCORPIUS's. Only ALBUS is left with his broom on the floor._

**Everyone except Rose, Yann, and Albus:** ALL RIGHT, WE GOT THE ONES WITH WIRES ATTACHED PROBABLY!

**Albus:** UP! ASCEND! YIP-YIP!

_His broom kinda just sits there. He stares at it with disbelieving desperation. There's giggling from the rest of the class, and I am uncomfortably reminded of my old gym classes. Why do I like media set in school settings again?_

**Polly:** Oh Merlin's beard, how humiliating! Forget the whole son of the youngest Seeker in a century thing; I can't get over how the son of the former star Chaser of the Holyhead Harpies can't even get a broom off the ground! That should frankly be more well-known, how come we're still comparing him to Harry, is it because to be compared to your mother is the worst insult you can bestow upon a bloke or something, what kind of sexist bullshit is this now.

**Karl:** I actually think we might be looking at a case of natural-born genius versus a genius of hard work here. Harry, obviously, is the former, and while we can't quite know for sure Ginny might have been the latter. She could've been born with no talent whatsoever, but had such a love for the game, and such a desire to show up her brothers, that she _made_ herself good at it. Albus, clearly not having as big an interest in Quidditch, has not in fact been practicing since age six and therefore hasn't worked to git gud, though I _am_ surprised that his Quidditch-loving parents didn't at least try to coax him onto a broom before now. I mean, they took him to the World Cup a few years ago while leaving Lily at home, for Merlin's sake...

**Madam Hooch:** Okay, children. Time for everyone who got their broom up to fly and for everyone who didn't to just stand there like an idiot.

_And suddenly HARRY appears from nowhere beside ALBUS as steam expands all over the stage._

_We're back on platform nine and three-quarters and time has ticked on mercilessly. ALBUS is now a year older (as is HARRY, but less noticeably, which how did ABLUS get to look older when he's been at the forefront of the stage this whole time)._

**Albus:** Dad, if you don't move away from me I'm going to move away from you.

**Harry:** I am new to the concept of being embarrassed by one's parents, please explain it to me.

_An OVERLY-OBSESSIVE FANBOY begins to stalk them._

**Albus:** I know you didn't like it either, but I _really_ don't like having been born into fame, having it forced on me like this for something _you_ did—

**Harry:** I don't like it either, I just reluctantly got used to it. Besides, you're not famous, your mother and I are famous.

_The OVERLY-OBSESSIVE FANBOY begs for a piece of HARRY's clothing to add to his shrine — Harry snips off a bit of his sleeve to make him go away._

**Albus:** That may be, but everything I do is held up to the ridiculously impossible standard you've set up for me. Well, us, but since James is better than me in every way he seems to be coping better. I think. I don't actually know. If only we ever saw him again once school starts next year...

_JAMES rushes past him, carrying his bag — it seems he no longer needs a trunk._

**James:** You're a massive disappointment and everyone hates you because an enchanted piece of felt assigned you to sleep under the lake okay BYEEEEEE!

**Harry:** I wonder how I never noticed the insanely obvious signs, considering he must've been like this all summer. Maybe I should reprimand James a little more than not at all.

**James:** *offstage* MAYBE WE SHOULD BE SHOWING OFF OUR FAMILY DYNAMIC A LITTLE MORE THAN NOT AT ALL AS WELL!

_HARRY looks at ALBUS, concerned._

**Harry:** Al—

**Albus:** You named me after Dumbledore, Dad, it's time you owned up to it.

**Harry:** Are you being treated as an outsider by everyone except those closest to you? 'Cause I knew that feel and it sucked. Isn't there at least one other Slytherin you could hang out with if the school rivalry thing is still that pointlessly intense? Or maybe talk to a cousin once and a while if James is being a dick, there has to be at least one Weasley who could stand being seen with you—

**Albus:** My one friend is fine. As long as I've got him I'm good. Which I know sounded like prime shipping fodder but we're twelve; it might be a crush or it might not but please don't assume it's anything else until we're much older. For Merlin's fucking sake.

**Harry:** Hey, friend, boyfriend, as long as you're happy and nothing too serious happens until you _are_ much older and a little more sure of what's going on, that's all that matters to me.

**Albus:** That second part's great but the happy part won't happen as long as I'm stuck in this life.

_ALBUS picks up his case and fucks off._

**Harry:** ...Fucking...ow?

_But ALBUS has already fucked off. DRACO MALFOY, his robes perfect, his blond ponytail existing just because LUCIUS looked so fucking good in it, emerges from within the crowds to be beside HARRY. And boy does that wording have the SHIPPERS hard at work once again._

**Draco:** I need a favor.

**Harry:** Fine, Draco, how are you?

**Draco:** Fuck you. Listen, Potter, rumors only grow. Everyone at Hogwarts still thinks _my_ son, _mine,_ is actually Voldemort's. They haven't moved onto your kid even though that would be marginally more logical — if the Ministry could release a statement about how time travel works in this mythos, something that could easily be accessed by everyone, and if at any time they wanted to reaffirm what's already been solidly established, it would only be a simple search away and making anyone who doesn't check it look like a complete fucking idiot who wasted everyone's time with this load of tripe...

**Harry:** There's two schools of thought on this and neither school really cares.

**Draco:** Dude, you are not the only one whose child is having a tough time at school. There is a reason our sons' only friends are each other. Also my wife is quite literally dying, so if you could do us this one favor, at least to make up for what _my_ mother did for _you—_

**Harry:** And all of this will sound like a suspiciously specific denial and crazed conspiracy theorists will only think this is the case even more if we draw any further attention to it. And this is the first time we've learned that there are others who have also been suspected of being Voldemort's child, not that we'll ever hear about them ever again. Which...why did these rumors start in the first place, anyway? Is everyone just in a constant state of fear that a guy who came back from what everyone thought was death might manage to live on in yet another form? How did this start, was there a magical autopsy done on Bellatrix that showed that she'd given birth or something that somehow leaked out, 'cause that's the only way I could see it happening...Which would make her being disintegrated in the film version even more of a fuck-up than everyone already thought it was...

**Draco:** _Boy_ do I hope that's not the case, 'cause then my son _would_ be related to Voldemort. _I_ would be related to Voldemort. Uncle Voldy.

**Harry:** Uncle Tom. Nyang.

**Draco:** For Scorpius it'd be _Grunkle_ Tom. In a wife-beater, boxers, glasses, and a fez.

**Harry:** I WOULD WATCH THE _SHIT_ OUTTA THAT.

_The stage clears and ROSE and ALBUS stand ready with their cases._

**Albus:** So when's your brother coming to school, anyway, I'm not sure how old he is.

**Rose:** Doesn't really matter, does it? As far as this play's concerned I don't have a brother, neither of us have any other cousins, you don't have a godbrother, and you will never once interact with your own godfather.

**Albus:** ...This play is bullshit. We're part of this massive explosion of family members and yet I'm virtually treated like an only child with one cousin I don't get on with.

**Rose:** Yeah it's not great. And no I don't understand why I can no longer be seen with you, unless we're implying that I can't let myself be seen with a loser like you if I want to get ahead in life. Which, again, Slytherin trait.

**Albus:** Just hot garbage juice coming out of your mouth.

_SCORPIUS runs on — with big hopes and an even bigger case._

**Scorpius:** *hopeful* Hi, Rose. I'm not your enemy, be calm. You know how this entire play can be used as an extremely convincing argument that me and Albus might end up together? I would like to make a case for me being at least bisexual what with my obvious crush on you. I've been searching my whole life for a female like you. *audibly drools*

**Rose:** That's nice, have fun shagging my cousin.

**Scorpius:** *still hopeful* We're only twelve but okay. Eventually, perhaps.

_And suddenly we're in the Great Hall and PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL is standing at the front with a big smile on her face, meaning that holy shit has she softened over the years._

**Professor McGonagall:** I don't recall any headmaster ever announcing random additions to any of the various House teams at dinner like this, but we've got to exposit somehow and show that _I_ will be involved in the play, so if you're disappointed by the distinct lack of Longbottom at least you'll be comforted by the fact that _someone_ awesome is involved. Also I still favor Gryffindor above all other Houses, to no one's surprise. Also also Granger-Weasley just made Chaser. In her second year because the first year rule still applies fuck everyone.

_The hall erupts into cheers, which should really only come from the Gryffindor section and a few scattered others, such as SCORPIUS._

**Albus:** As the son of the youngest Seeker in a century and a former Chaser of the Holy Head Harpies, it sort of makes sense that any love for Quidditch I might have had would've worn thin even before I found out I couldn't fly. Why are _you_ applauding.

**Scorpius:** 'Cause we just established that I fancy her. Perhaps... _my_ final moments will be joyous. And she's your cousin, aren't you happy for her?

**Albus:** I'd be happier if she didn't hate me because my bed curtains aren't red.

**Scorpius:** Well. That is relatively unimportant....Though now I wanna meet a student who's the type of colorblind where both red and green look brown to them.

**Albus:** *snorts*

_The students circle ALBUS again as suddenly a Potions class begins._

**Polly Chapman:** So I'm the main bully of this year group thing, yeah? Is that what we're going with here? Which House am I in, I wanna know which is the new confirmed worst House. My money's on Gryffindor, our history with bullying isn't stellar either.

**Albus:** So apparently I'm super good at one particular potion later...NOT NOW, THOUGH!

**Karl Jenkins:** Well our constant harassment while you're working probably doesn't help. It's like we're _all_ suddenly Snape for you — hang about, does Slughorn still work here? I'd love to see his cameo!

**Polly:** Nah, he's retired and we only have the budget to show off one portrait. I do know that when Slughorn's bravery at the Battle of Hogwarts was publicized, his actions (along with those of Regulus Black, which gained attention in the aftermath of Voldemort's demise) removed much of the stigma that had been attached to Slytherin house for hundreds of years past. Therefore, _I do not understand why we continue to be dicks based on what part of the castle one sleeps in as if nothing has changed._

**Karl:** ...So who's teaching Potions now, then?

**Polly:** Fuck you, that's who.

**Karl:** Aww, I wanted a possible random cameo from someone obscure so we'd know they're not dead yet...

**Albus:** Hey everybody, watch me fuck it up. I'm gonna fuck up real bad.

**Potion:** *explodes loudly*

**Scorpius:** Okay, still got your eyebrows? Brilliant, Dad's told me things about a bloke our parents went to school with called Seamus Finnegan, at least we're one up on him. A short recuperation. And then we'll start again. And what do you think? What do we do to fix this?

**Albus:** You mean every aspect of our lives? Fucked if I know.

**Scorpius:** ...I wasn't trying to use the potion as a metaphor, but okay. Don't fight it. You'll only prolong it. Now watch.

_And with that, time moves ever onward — ALBUS's eyes become darker, his face grows more sallow. I don't know how theater works so I don't know when he found the time to put on makeup. He's still an attractive boy which needed to be added because what's better than objectifying thirteen-year-olds._

_And suddenly he's back on platform nine and three-quarters with his dad — who is still trying to persuade his son (and himself) that everything's okay. Because he didn't have all summer to talk to ALBUS and because GINNY did nothing to help. Apparently._

**Harry:** How have I only just now signed your permission form to Hogsmeade, I should've done it the moment it was sent to you. Or your mum should've, whichever one of us was around.

**Albus:** And why wasn't it established then that I don't want you to sign it because I don't want to go?

**Harry:** ...You're gonna have to walk me through that one slowly, son.

**Albus:** Who do I not like? Everyone but Scorpius. Who's gonna be there on a packed Hogsmeade weekend besides Scorpius? Everyone. *screws up the paper*

**Harry:** Well you've been told all of the ways in and out — that were all probably sealed during and after the war ended, shit, is the Map even worth anything now...but hey, you can eat all the Honeydukes sweets you like without your mum knowing, and — I did this with James too — it's really all a huge work so that my children can send me chocolate behind my wife's back, all right? Wait, no, stop, don't — !

**Albus:** *pointing his wand* _Incendio!_

_The ball of paper bursts into flame and ascends across the stage._

**Harry:** ...I could write you up for that. Using magic outside school when it isn't an emergency.

**Albus:** It's true. You could.

**Harry:** …

**Albus:** ...

**Harry:** …I still don't get why—

**Albus:** You've seen my grades, haven't you? Tell me you're not surprised that that actually worked, 'cause I know I am.

**Harry:** About your grades — I've been exchanging owls with Professor McGonagall—

**Albus:** Not my head of house?

**Harry:** I'm not sure who that is anymore.

**Albus:** That's okay, neither am I.

**Harry:** She says you're isolating yourself — you're uncooperative in lessons — you're surly — you're—

**Albus:** Well is there a potion that can be used to treat social anxiety? I'm actually serious, is there? Is there a way the Ministry can become more involved with doing away with this rumor that is destroying my best friend's life so that I might be happier by proxy? Could you and Mum perhaps look into a private tutor for me over summer holidays to help me not suck so much at magic? Could you convince the collective Weasley clan that I know has _some_ kids other than Rose still going to Hogwarts that maybe interacting with their Slytherin cousin isn't tantamount to drinking poison? I feel like that part's easily done, just complain to Grandma and she'll sort everyone else out instantly. If she's still alive, I wouldn't know, _I suddenly have no extended family apart from Uncle Ron, Aunt Hermione, Rose, and vague mentions of Uncle George. WHO HAS TWO KIDS HIMSELF._ *pauses* Also I'd like to know how soon I can legally change my name. I know that last part may seem unreasonable to you, but all the other options are suddenly a lot less so, aren't they.

_Evidently giving HARRY no opportunity to answer one way or another, ALBUS runs to SCORPIUS, who's sitting on his case — numb to the world._

*all happified* Hey, Scorpy! *concerned* Scorpius, are you all right?

**Scorpius:** Physically, yes.

_ALBUS attempts Legillimency and, like with most things, fucks that up too._

**Albus:** ...SO HOW'S YOUR MUM.

**Scorpius:** WHY ALBUS, THAT IS THE WORST THING YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY ASKED.

**Albus:** OH GREAT.

**Scorpius:** …

**Albus:** …

**Scorpius:** …

**Albus:** ...This parts kind of hard to—

**Scorpius:** Then maybe don't.

**Albus:** Have to, we're contractually obligated to make fun of shit.

**Scorpius:** Even one of the few good parts, despite it basically amounting to Women In Refrigerators?

**Albus:** Well this got heavy.

**Scorpius:** This whole thing's heavy. *holds up copy of _Cursed Child_ * Look, I can barely lift it, that's how heavy it is.

**Albus:** That's not funny, that's just lame.

**Scorpius:** Then everyone can enjoy its lameness.

**Albus:** I GET IT!

_And suddenly the SORTING HAT's center stage and we're back in the Great Hall._

**Sorting Hat:**  
Just rhyming couplets now, how grand.  
This could not be any more bland.  
I do not care that Gryffindor  
In British rhymes with Ravenclaw!  
These guys, they do not know their job  
There are no laughs, but only sobs

Also Lily's in Gryffindor.

**Lily:** Kablams!

**Albus:** I reserve the right to complain about this year's song, that was just lazy.

**Scorpius:** And now _I'm_ the one being insensitive since I'm insinuating that you're not a _real_ Potter unless you're a Gryffindor, as said to a Potter. How commendable.

**Albus:** Eh, you just lost your mum, I'll let it go.

_The other students point and laugh at Albus's existence._

You guys know that fucking _wars_ have been fought over the notion that none of us get to choose who or what we're born as? You guys know that was a thing, right?


	3. Act 1 Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I've Been Getting Back Into Anime Recently And It Fucking Shows:** _Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Full Metal Jacket, Archer, Black Panther,_ “Rocket Man,” _Game of Thrones, Hamilton, Airplane!, Gravity Falls, Firefly, Monty Python's Holy Grail,_ A Very Potter Musical, _Boruto: Naruto the Next Generation,_ Mother's Basement, My Immortal, Super Eyepatch Wolf, _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling who probably should've just written this herself, we know she can do scripts now, and at the very least the dialogue would've been amazing as always even if the plot was still a mess...

ACT ONE, SCENE FIVE  
MINISTRY OF MAGIC, HARRY'S OFFICE

_HERMIONE sits with piles of paper in front of her while she's invaded HARRY's messy office without his permission. She is slowly sorting through all his shit because she never could keep her nose out of other people's business; she just has to know everything about everyone all the time. No I'm not taking out my displaced anger at someone else who showcases this behavior on a fictional character, why would you ever suggest that. HARRY enters in a rush. He is bleeding. Making him the victor._

**Hermione:** So how was your day?

**Harry:** Exactly as you'd expect.

**Hermione:** I still can't believe it took twenty-two years for us to figure out that Theodore Nott might have been a baddie. Which, if I'm honest, I am in fact a little surprised at; he barely registered as a character when we were at school and I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd stayed neutral or something.

**Harry:** That's the thing about blank slate characters — you can basically do whatever you want with them and pretty much no one will bat an eye.

**Hermione:** That's true, I guess. So did you get the Continuity-Destroyer?

_HARRY reveals the Time-Turner. It shines out alluringly._

Wait, where did Nott find it? He just said he had it, or did he pick it up?

**Harry:** He was lucky enough to find it.

**Hermione:** Really.

**Harry:** Yeah, he went through his stool one day.

**Hermione:** ...How the shit does it work, regular Time-Turners only encase single Hour-Reversal Charms.

**Harry:** Haven't the foggiest, I wanted to change everything immediately but everyone else was like nah. You'd think I'd be able to resist based on my ability to let go of the Resurrection Stone, but you'd be wrong.

**Hermione:** Well of course they made you stop! Haven't you read Croaker's old report? “Just as the human mind cannot comprehend time, so it cannot comprehend the damage that will ensue if we presume to tamper with its laws”!

**Harry:** Hermione. If this is a crazy play about time travel that completely ignores that report and therefore this mythos's continuity, throwing even one aspect of that Pottermore summary out the window, then why not use it for good? My godson is an orphan, George and Dennis have never been the same, Neville says Hannah still has nightmares, I flat-out _miss_ my own godfather—

**Hermione:** I get it.

**Harry:** I don't think you do. Especially since _you're_ the one who wants to keep it — I figured you of all people would want it destroyed.

**Hermione:** I don't think we _can_ destroy it.

**Harry:** ...Hermione, we've destroyed _Horcruxes._ What is your major malfunction.

**Hermione:** Dude, when Neville destroyed a cabinet full of normal Time-Turners it forever fell apart and repaired itself. I don't know what the fuck might happen if we blow this up without studying it first.

**Harry:** Okay, then send it down to the Department of Mysteries, get it checked out, then have them report back with advice on how to destroy it. Better yet, let _them_ do it.

**Hermione:** That's a brilliant idea! I refuse to go along with it!

**Harry:** ...WHY. WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS.

**Hermione:** I think once you hit around age forty in the wizarding world, you just magically become incompetent in every way. That's why we need to leave the world-saving stuff to the kids.

**Harry:** That makes way too much sense.

**Hermione:** You know you're bleeding, right?

_HARRY checks his face in the mirror. He dabs at the wound with what I'm sure are his completely sanitary robes._

I feel like I should be showing more concern and trying to force you to go and get that looked at...but on the other hand I feel like it's plausible for me to just expect you to become as scarred and fucked up as Mad-Eye was.

**Harry:** Something I've been meaning to ask: What the hell are you doing in not your office?

**Hermione:** I'm here to badger you into doing your paperwork for a change.

**Harry:** How do I not have a secretary of some kind, presumably I'm Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, I should have a secretary...

**Hermione:** Look, I know that you were raised by people who would scream at you if there was a speck of dust where there shouldn't be, even if it was caused by someone else, and I'm sure you've wanted to fight against that by being at least a little messy in your later years, which is fine, but this is important shit you have casually scattered about the place. Do you even know where everything is?

_HARRY waves his wand and the papers and books transform into neat piles. HARRY smiles._

**Harry:** I do now.

**Hermione:** Good, maybe we can touch on a few things that may or may not foreshadow future bullshit. There are mountain trolls riding Graphorns through Hungary, which frankly sounds awesome, um, there are giants with winged tattoos on their backs walking through the Greek Seas, I'm sure that's not important...Oh, here's something odd, the werewolves have gone entirely underground, that can't be right, I thought that the example of Remus's life and death did much to lift the stigma on them—

**Harry:** Shit, you're right, who knows how Teddy's taking this, to say nothing of Bill, I hope Victoire, Dominique, and Louis haven't been pulled from school or something, if they're even all in school, I know Victoire's graduated by now; I need to go contact the lot of them right away—

**Hermione:** No, you can't!

**Harry:** And why not? They're my family! They're _your_ family!

**Hermione:** Doesn't matter, none of them are important, _especially_ not Teddy.

**Harry:** *slamming his hand on his desk* Say that again. Say that a- _fucking_ -gain.

**Hermione:** Do you see his name mentioned once in this entire script!? Any of them!? Any barest hint that you have another child in your life besides the ones for which you are biologically responsible, along with a single niece!? I'm telling you to leave it be, so leave it be!

**Harry:** ...Fine, then let me at least check on the situation—

**Hermione:** Absolutely not. These are people and beasts that fought alongside Voldemort in the great wizarding wars. These are allies of darkness—

**Harry:** Oh and now _you're_ stereotyping all werewolves as being automatically evil, are you? Do you, too, believe them all to be soulless, evil, deserving nothing but death? Is that what it's come to!?

**Hermione:** Don't you Hashtag Not All Werewolves me, we never got a confirmed death for Greyback, so either he or someone like him could be leading _this specific group,_ all right!? That's all I meant!

**Harry:** Well next time work on how you phrase things, that sounded terrible. About the giants as well, frankly, remember we know two.

**Hermione:** You mean one and two half — oh I get it. And noted, now will you at least read the dossier before leaping into action without a plan?

**Harry:** No! I don't do dossiers!

_HERMIONE looks at HARRY — this is infuriating._

**Hermione:** So apparently you're not the only one hiding occasional sweets from a ginger spouse.

**Harry:** ...You're married to _Ron._

**Hermione:** I know, I don't get it either. Toffee?

**Harry:** Can't. We're off sugar at the moment. And by at the moment I mean for at least the past three years. *beat* Exactly what _is_ this obsession with us not eating sugar. I mean I suppose it might play well for Muggle audiences, but wizards can regrow bones overnight; I refuse to believe we don't have a cure for diabetes sitting right next to all of the other medical miracles we refuse to share with the rest of the world.

**Hermione:** Don't you start that again; Wakanda had it wrong and you know it. But yeah, do your paperwork and I will nag you less.

_HARRY collapses with laughter._

Oh fuck off. Also it is now confirmed that at some point between the epilogue and now I got promoted to Minister for Magic.

**Harry:** Why, what happened to Kingsley?

**Hermione:** Iunno, I suppose he's as important as your godson now.

**Harry:** Wonder what Teddy's even doing these days, if he and Victoire are still together, whether or not they got married, what job the two of them have if they do have any and if I can offer one of them a job as a secretary if they don't—

**Hermione:** If you would kindly focus on the people that matter, like your wife and middle child; I'm not trying to imply that James and Lily aren't important (though they're really not), I just know Albus is having a harder time right now, hence the more pointed question.

**Harry:** THE BOY WHO LIVED IS A SHITTY DAD. How're _your_ kids? The both of them. When is Hugo going to even begin at Hogwarts.

**Hermione:** Don't know, don't care. Is the implication I am giving. You remember all that shit in the nineties about how, if you don't spend every waking moment with your spawn, you have failed as a parent? Never mind the fact that you being away at your job is what puts a roof over their heads and food into their mouths and clothes on their backs and provides them with future opportunities. You don't have to constantly be around for your kids to know you love them, and I wish media would stop shoving the opposite message down everyone's throats. *beat* That being said, you should go and see your kids off to school on the vague chance that Albus might feel better. Then come back and _read the fucking dossiers._

**Harry:** Our best scientists tell me I can't do that.

**Hermione:** You could. If you believe in yourself.

**Harry:** But I don't.

_She rolls her eyes at him, pops a toffee in her mouth, and leaves the office. HARRY is left alone. He packs his bag. Last night, pre-flight. He walks out of the office and down a corridor. The weight of the world on his shoulders. How appropriate that I'd been listening to the award-winning_ Nier: Automata _OST while writing the first several scenes, pausing for a break every time a variation of “Weight of the World” came on. Holy shit look that entire thing up, it's gotta be one of the top video game soundtracks of all time._

_HARRY walks, tired, into a telephone box. He dials 62442._

**Telephone box:** Why the fuck are you using the visitor's entrance, you can Apparate, and failing that you can Floo, what the shit is going on here.

_He ignores it and ascends away from the Ministry of Magic._

ACT ONE, SCENE SIX  
HARRY AND GINNY POTTER'S HOUSE  
I WONDER IF IT'S NUMBER TWELVE, GRIMMAULD PLACE  
I GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW

_ALBUS can't sleep. He is sitting at the top of the stairs for some reason. He hears voices below him. We hear HARRY's voice before he's revealed. An elderly man in a wheelchair is with him, because AMOS DIGGORY somehow found out about this Muggle technology. Though then again so did Westeros I guess..._

**Harry:** Dude I _just_ got home, I'm tired, I'm bleeding—

**Amos:** I don't give a shit, you keep boasting about all the changes you made to the Ministry but from what I've seen it's as ineffectual and incompetent as ever. I've been trying to get a hold of you for at least four months, you twat!

**Harry:** You could at least start with a proper greeting, I haven't seen you since Cedric actually died. Which, you sort of disappeared after that, didn't you used to work for the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures? I half-expected for you to show up during OotP to help the Ministry make my life even more miserable as revenge, but instead you kind of just vanished, what the hell happened there? To you _and_ your wife, how is she doing these days? Is she even still alive or is she yet another unnamed witch we've shoved into a...what would wizards use instead of a refrigerator, a freezebox? Should've asked this earlier after Astoria...

**Amos:** Shut up and let me rant about how Cedric's death was all your fault.

**Harry:** You think I don't _know!?_

**Albus:** Am I aware of any of this or did Dad hide these parts of his life from the rest of us.

**Harry:** And what's all this bullshit about Cedric not having a memorial, I would've thought every death from the second war would've got one, this is such a load of bullshit...

**Amos:** You don't need to tell me, but I don't want a sodding memorial anyway, I just want my kid back.

_HARRY looks up, which would mean he's looking_ above _AMOS who is at a lower eye level._

**Harry:** We all want the people we've loved and lost back. I know that there are moments that the words don't reach, that there's a suffering too terrible to name, and I know that you are going through the unimaginable, but...forgive me for sounding callous, but it's been over two dozen years. Surely you've got past the bargaining stage by now.

**Amos:** Give me a Time-Turner and stop calling me Shirley.

**Harry:** Maybe Draco was right about letting everyone know that they were all destroyed again...

**Amos:** Not those, the one that everyone knows Theodore Nott had.

_There's a long, deadly pause. HARRY is finding coming up with a quick excuse difficult; this is actually pretty in character when you remember that his nickname is apparently ROONIL WAZLIB. We watch as ALBUS moves closer, listening._

**Harry:** You do realize that, if I thought playing with time was a good idea, neither myself nor my godson would be orphans right now, yes?

**Amos:** You have a godson?

**Harry:** YES! WHY IS THAT ALWAYS SUCH A HUGE SHOCK TO PEOPLE. IT WAS IN THE _PROPHET_ WHEN RITA COVERED THE TOP BOX INSTEAD OF THE ACTUAL 2014 QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP. HOW DOES NO ONE REMEMBER THIS.

**Amos:** Well, exactly, Lupin and Tonks and like five million other people died for you, didn't they? Imagine how different things might have been if you prevented Voldemort from coming back in the first place, i.e. not letting yourself or my son enter that graveyard in the first place?

**Harry:** ...Well isn't it a good thing that what we're talking about isn't even a thing that exists, anyway.

**Delphi:** 'Sup, bitch tits.

_ALBUS lets out a high pitched shriek as he jumps a literal mile, breaking through the ceiling of the theater before crashing back down as DELPHI — a determined looking woman somewhere around TEDDY's age that should probably get more of a physical description than not at all, considering — is formerly introduced before she irrevocably destroys even more continuity._

Did I freak you out? That's neat. I used to eavesdrop a lot myself. Only way I ever learned anything of significance, really. So at least that's a constant, eh?

**Albus:** Who are you and how did you get in here.

**Delphi:** Oh, I'm a home invader. I'm gonna ruin your life. Get ready.

**Albus:** Ah. DAD!

**Delphi:** I'm just messing with you. I'm Delphini Diggory, I'm here with my father. *ascends the stairs and sticks out a hand* Call me Delphi. And you are?

**Albus:** The Dipper to your Wendy...

**Delphi:** Sorry?

**Albus:** *stammering* A-Albus. I'm Albus. Will you have my children-babies? No? Okay, fine.

**Delphi:** Oh holy shit, you're Albus Potter! So what's it like having the man who continuously saved the entire wizarding world for a father?

**Albus:** It's a massive weight on my shoulders and not a day goes by that I don't wish to be rid of it.

**Delphi:** ...And as usual, everything I touch turns to shit. This is gonna make it really hard when I murder you. Or your dad. Or everyone.

**Albus:** I like the scent of your ass.

_Pause. She looks at him carefully._

**Amos:** Delphi, what have I said about snooping around other people's houses while I'm busy shouting at them?

_She makes to depart and then hesitates. She smiles at ALBUS._

**Delphi:** I think that the biggest lesson that can be taken from this play is that none of us can choose who we're related to, but that everyone around you usually makes the choice to never let you forget because fuck all of humanity. It's tough to live with people stuck in the past, which, in turn, has to be the most ironic line in the whole fucking play.

**Albus:** I guess irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.

**Amos:** Delphi, stop expositing and let's go!

**Harry:** I will show absolutely no concern that a complete stranger is apparently wandering aimlessly around my house.

**Delphi:** Oh, if you ever want to...talk more, I work at St. Oswald's Home for Old Witches and Wizards in Upper Flagley, because old folks' homes are now a thing in the Wizarding World where Wit-Sharpening Potions exist to possibly prevent senility and the ability for old people to use magic should negate such facilities even existing.

**Amos:** DELPHI! STOP RUINING EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE AND GET DOWN HERE!

_She smiles and trips as she travels down the stairs, not because she's TONKS's cousin but because THORNE also saw the first episode of_ Firefly _and therefore knows that the best way to throw off the scent is to make the villain bumbling. She enters the room with AMOS and HARRY in it. ALBUS watches her._

**Delphi:** Yes, Uncle?

**Harry:** What were you doing in my house just now?

**Amos:** Not important, I just want to impress upon her the fact that you suck now. Remember, _sir,_ rumors only grow. And we both know what we know, know, know, know...

**Delphi:** All right, all right, we'll listen to more _Hamilton_ on the way back, Merlin...

_AMOS is pushed out of the room. HARRY is left, looking depressed, confused, and irritated all at once. ALBUS watches on, planning something stupid and disturbingly Gryffindor._

ACT ONE, SCENE SEVEN  
HARRY AND GINNY POTTER'S HOUSE, ALBUS'S ROOM

_ALBUS is sitting on the bed as the world goes on outside his door. Still against the constant motion outside. We hear a roar from JAMES (off)._

**Ginny:** James, you can show off your hair to Teddy later, just clean your fucking room already!

**James:** I don't want to show it off to Teddy, or to anyone else! Pink is a _girly_ color, and we all know that being called feminine in any way is the worst insult you can bestow upon a man because women are still totally inferior!

**Ginny:** YOU COME DOWN HERE AND YOU SAY THAT TO MY FACE, JAMES SIRIUS POTTER!

_JAMES appears at the door for the final time in the whole play, he has pink hair, showing visually the way TONKS's hair pretty much always should've been and making everyone sad as we remember far more likable characters past._

**Lily:** I can't find my Potions book.

**Ginny:** ...Lily, you're twelve. How have you not outgrown these types of things yet or at least pretended to for the sake of seeming more grown up.

_Lily appears at ALBUS's door. She's wearing fairy wings that flutter._

**Lily:** Fuck you, I do what I want!

_She exits as HARRY appears in ALBUS's doorway. He looks through._

**Harry:** 'Sup, nerd?

_There's an awkward pause between them. GINNY appears in the doorway. She sees what's happening, she is unable to look away from the incoming train wreck, she stays a moment._

**Harry:** Apparently we're doing this thing where I hand out pre-Hogwarts gifts. If this was a thing before you'd think we'd have drawn attention to it. Also Uncle Ron sent you something.

**Albus:** Okay. A date rape drug. Okay.

**Harry:** You know he fell victim to one of these during our sixth year? I don't ever think I've seen him more humiliated. Not to mention that, in the process of getting the antidote, he nearly _died._ And Slughorn did nothing to help — If I hadn't been there... *swallows heavily* Also yeah, a fucking date rape drug. I thought we went over this already. It's 2020, people should realize rape is bad in all forms by now. I mean, at least James just got a comb that makes his hair turn pink, that's fairly harmless...Frankly I'm surprised your gifts weren't switched. James is sixteen now, I'd feel more comfortable with _him_ getting a date rape drug so I could pour it down the toilet while I teach him about consent; I do not yet feel comfortable having that conversation with a fourteen-year-old just yet.

**Albus:** That's nice. What did Lily get?

**Harry:** Farting gnomes.

**Albus:** ...So the garden is now infested and we'll have to degnome our property from now on?

**Harry:** Not right now, you're going back to Hogwarts later today. When you come home for the summer, yes, we will probably have a gnome infestation. Also you may be short another uncle.

_HARRY puts down ALBUS's date rape drug on his bed instead of being any kind of decent person and disposing of it immediately._

...So here's my gift to you I guess.

_He reveals a small blanket. GINNY looks at it, she sees HARRY never bothered to get to know a single one of their son's interests, she knows this will backfire horribly, and then she walks away cackling._

**Albus:** ...An old blanket.

**Harry:** I thought a lot about what to give you this year, and never bothered asking your mum or Scorpius for advice or even to ask you in person what you wanted. James — well, he's in his sixth year now and why I didn't give the Invisibility Cloak to him way before now is beyond me, and Lily — I knew that even though she's twelve she still apparently acts much younger and would therefore love the wings because we have to reestablish how much of a girly-girl she is — but you. You've had three years at school now and I know it's been tough on you. I've wanted to do something to reconnect with you for ages, so I'm going to tell you some things about me that your siblings don't know. You can keep this in confidence or not, it's entirely up to you.

**Albus:** ...I have a feeling that if you'd led with any of that, I'd have been marginally more receptive.

**Harry:** I know, and I'd planned this speech out, too. The thing is, I've got a few things here and there from my father — the Cloak, the Map, most of our wealth, his looks — but apart from my eyes — your eyes — I didn't have anything from my mother for the longest time. Then Uncle Dudley sent me this after your great aunt Petunia died. *looks out to the audience* Oh, Tuney's dead now, by the way.

_And there was much rejoicing._

But yeah, this was the blanket that I was wrapped in when your first namesake set me up for a childhood of abuse and neglect. It's been my good luck charm for the past few years and it's kept me alive on some of the missions I've been on and — and I worry about you lot at Hogwarts sometimes. I know it's a death trap and I just want you to be safe. James and Lily have got loads of friends who can look after them, but you've just got the one. And there's nothing wrong with that, don't start, it just makes me more worried about your safety, that's all.

**Albus:** That's — actually quite sweet. *touches the blanket* But you should keep it. Let's face it, you face way more danger than I do — you obviously need it more.

**Harry:** Despite her never showing me the slightest bit off affection until after I'd saved her son from dementors, and even then it was right before we said good-bye for the last time, this play is suffering under the delusion that Tuney wouldn't have thrown out everything that reminded her of her freak of a sister aside from the human child that Dumbledore forced/guilted her into keeping. Therefore, I've convinced myself that she would have wanted me to have it. And I _know_ that my mother would have wanted to have some kind of connection to her grandson, that bit absolutely makes sense. But I was also hoping to sneak you out of Hogwarts on Halloween — I figured you wouldn't mind missing the feast, it'll be full of Hogwarts students after all — and we could go to Godric's Hollow together, just the two of us — I really think that would be a good time for us to finally get to know each other better...

**Albus:** Well when you put it like that it sounds like a nice offer, but I'm just contrarian, fuck things.

**Harry:** Fuck things?

**Albus:** Fuck the very concept of things.

**Harry:** Oooooooh.

_HARRY is slightly heartbroken. He looks at his son, desperate to reach out._

**Harry:** Do you want a hand? Packing. I always loved packing. It meant that I was leaving a place I hated and going to a place I love. Which...I just realized what I just said doesn't apply to you at all.

**Albus:** I was about to fucking say, this isn't actually about you. Why does every conversation we have have to turn into Harry-talk.

**Harry:** It's not Harry-talk, it's—

**Albus:** No, no! I am _miserable!_ And all you can do is talk about yourself! You're like the most self-absorbed guy I know!

**Harry:** Have you _met_ your brother!?

**Albus:** Wonder where he got it from. Which, at least, again, he got something from you.

**Harry:** Stop being a young person.

**Albus:** Look, it's great how me and my family don't have to live in constant fear, it really is, but do you realize how high you've risen the bar for the rest of us? James and Lily seem to fit in just fine, they're meeting everyone's expectations easily — Rose sees her mother and...mostly mother's achievements and the expectations placed upon her become a bloody _challenge_...but now, because you refuse to understand anything about me or my situation, I'm basically Boruto throwing a fit over his father's shitty, busted jacket from the movie right now.

**Harry:** Oh don't tell me you're back in again!

**Albus:** I am _so_ back in, how could I possibly not be!? _Boruto: Naruto Next Generations_ basically _is_ Cursed Child, Dad!

**Mother's Basement:** Naruto and Harry Potter are the same story: The tale of a young orphan whose parents lost their lives defeating a great evil, and who was branded with a mark that permanently connects him to that evil entity in the process while also giving him some of that evil entity's powers. This orphan leads a hard life with few friends until a special piece of paper allows him to enter a high school level training program for kids with super-natural abilities. After that, he's paired up with another boy and a girl who will eventually hook up with that boy, and despite some differences the three quickly become inseparable. The orphan is a bit of a troublemaker, but it's okay because the old bearded guy who's in charge of everything likes him. The trio goes on a few adventures, one of which involves magical mirrors that can hide things from the real world, and then during a tournament to determine which kids are the best at supernatural bullshit, they're confronted by an evil snake man who used to be part of their supernatural school, but dropped out when he realized that being a goody-two-shoes wouldn't make him immortal. As the plot goes on, we learn that the snake man has kept himself in a state of pseudo-undeath by putting his soul inside of things that his soul really shouldn't be inside, including one of the kids who has been given a cursed mark that makes him a soul receptacle. Eventually, after the snake guy is killed way more times than anyone should reasonably be expected to have to kill anyone, he stays defeated and everyone lives happily ever after until an epilogue where a bunch of the main protagonists' kids, who are basically clones of them, fuck everything up.

**Albus:** Continuing the comparisons into the sequel-type-things, they're based on the next generation of the characters a lot of people grew up with, I'm far more interested in the kids other than the ones that are given the main spotlight, my OTP is reaffirmed in every scene they're in together, and most of all I watch it to see what the _adults_ I grew up caring about are up to because fuck all their shit kids. Hell, the anime is even being written by a relative newcomer to the series, having only assisted on one of the movies and having written a short story that might as well be canonical fanfiction, just like this is considered to be. The only real difference I find is that _Naruto_ has infinitely more content than our own series could ever hope to, and the anime especially had been on the air far longer than it needed to be. This means that the people working on this shit have really got to know the characters and the mythos week to week for over a decade, _which means that they actually know what to fucking do with them._

**Harry:** *finally losing his temper* You know what? No one is forcing you to read this play. You should consider yourself grateful that you _do_ get any kind of continuation at all, you know — all of this could have ended permanently at the epilogue.

**Albus:** And what would have been so bad about that? _Naruto_ notwithstanding, you know what I like the most about most anime series? The fact that they have a clear and definitive ending. What you see is what you get. And I'm sick of this “better than nothing” argument, if My Fucking Immortal was suddenly labeled as canon by JKR herself that would still fit the definition.

**Harry:** So you would have rather had nothing?

**Albus:** I am now going to heavily steal from a speech by Super Eyepatch Wolf. Just all the YouTube theft today. But I was baffled by how many times I saw this comment, and I think, to properly respond, we need to break it down into three parts. One: I drew some fan art of you, Sirius, and Remus a few years ago that is now in the garbage. Now I'll be the first to say it was fucking terrible, but it was...Better. Than Nothing. See that? See how that argument can justify basically any form of additional content regardless of quality or skill, while also being completely counter-inducive to any kind of critical discord?

And two: Even then, what does _better_ mean? That it is _more_ than nothing? Well sure, it's physically more than nothing because any _thing_ is more than the absence of that thing. But does that really mean _better?_ Is a bad addition to a series now really more valuable than the potential for that series to get a good one in the future? Well, as it happens, we have an example of this exact thing from _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them._ Which JKR wrote, and it is actually _good._ Your mileage may vary on _how_ good, obviously, but it does _feel_ like something JKR wrote. This does not.

And my third and final point...YOU. DESERVE. BETTER. *stares out at audience* Okay. If you're someone who genuinely enjoys Cursed Child, please understand. No part of this parody is intended to ridicule you or retroactively convince you you didn't enjoy a thing you did. But if you _did_ enjoy it, then it's in spite of this sequel and not because of it. I mean, sure, I like seeing Dad, Mum, Uncle Ron, Aunt Hermione, and Hagrid in whatever form they may come, because these are great characters with (previously) fantastic writing behind them. Which is why they, and you, deserve content that builds on that greatness, not detracts from it. And there is no reason to expect any less.

**Harry:** ...TL;DR?

**Albus:** The phrase “better than nothing” is meaningless and I want to be part of a piece of Harry Potter media I can actually take pride in.

**Harry:** Well when it comes to you, pride is not the word I'm looking for.

_There's a silence. ALBUS nods._

**Albus:** Yep. That's about the way I thought it was gonna go. Yep.

**Harry:** I misspoke.

**Albus:** You misspoke a knife into my testicles.

**Harry:** I misspoke by using incredibly clear language that I was not supposed to say. If you would just let me finish quoting _Hamilton,_ or better yet start for the beginning—

**Albus:** Nope, I think we're done here.

**Harry:** Hold up just one second—

_ALBUS picks up the blanket and throws it. It collides with RON's date rape drug, which spills all over the blanket and the bed, producing a small puff of smoke._

**Albus:** ...Shit, you should probably wash that and/or burn that immediately, I do _not_ want to be affected by any after-effects or anything else involved with that blanket in any way whatsoever.

_ALBUS flees from the room. HARRY goes after him._

**Harry:** Stop, don't, come back.


	4. Act 1 Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Man, I wrote all this shit_ before _certain real life shenanigans occurred over the past week; this couple of sentences at the top right here are the only things I've added. I'M FUCKING PSYCHIC I GUESS._
> 
> **Hey Can You Do This Aromantic A Huge Favor And Acknowledge The Possibility That Sometimes Friends Are Just Friends Okay Thanks Here's Your Weekly Serving Of Crap:** _My Hero Academia, The Simpsons, Archer,_ A Very Potter Sequel, _Hamilton, Boruto: Naruto Next Generations,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Undertale, Farscape,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Beauty and the Beast, Sherlock Holmes, X-Men_ (and an idea handed to me by Dndchk), and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling which better have included this new take on the Trolley Witch because that's one of the few things I actually like about this play 'cause I'm weird like that.

ACT ONE, SCENE EIGHT  
DREAM, HUT-ON-THE-ROCK

_There's a LARGE BOOM and an equally LARGE CRASH, so LARGE we had to capitalize all of it. DUDLEY DURSLEY, AUNT PETUNIA, and UNCLE VERNON are cowering behind a bed._

**Dudley Dursley because his whole name has to be there for some reason:** Mum, I don't like this. I thought I was supposed to be on the sofa in the other room with Harry, why am I back here with you two?

**Aunt Petunia:** It's a stage, there's less space, this kind of change is perfectly acceptable so deal with it. Also we fucked up. I know we thought for a second that witches couldn't cross water, which is why we came out here in the first place, but I only just remembered Lily jumping streams and running across stepping stones during our childhood. This whole thing was a bust. *beat* Also also how could we have got the boy across if his kind can't cross water.

_There's another capitalized LARGE BOOM._

**Uncle Vernon:** I don't have time for your logic right now, I'm gearing up to shoot people in the face. USA! USA! USA!

**Aunt Petunia:** Sweetie we're British. *sees young Harry* Marge was right, we should've drowned you. Get back in a small secluded out-of-sight area that doesn't actually exist in this shack because we didn't scope it out all that well.

_YOUNG HARRY flinches away as UNCLE VERNON holds out his rifle._

**Uncle Vernon:** Whoever's there, I should warn you — I'm armed. Which isn't so far off from the original line so I don't understand why I'm not using that instead.

_There's a MASSIVE CAPITALIZED DETROIT SMASH. And the door falls off his hinges. Holy shit HAGRID's in this play. Boy wouldn't it be nice to see him interacting with old friends and possibly making some new ones instead of just being shoved into flashbacks. He stands in the middle of the doorway. He looks at them all._

**Hagrid:** Couldn't make us a cup o' tea, could yeh? It's not been an easy journey.

**Dudley Dursley why are we still using his full name we know who he is:** Wow, an accurate book line!

**Uncle Vernon:** Everyone but the freak get behind me so I can murder people with my incredibly nervous trigger finger!

**Hagrid:** I don' remember any o' this fer shit.

_He rips UNCLE VERNON's gun out of his hands._

Good thing this is a family show where yeh only get killed by magic lasers which is seen as less serious on accoun' o' the lack of blood and viscera, eh?

_He twists the end of the gun and ties it in a knot._

I should re-binge Luke Cage season one sometime...

_And then he gets distracted. He's seen YOUNG HARRY._

'Sup, nerd?

**Young Harry:** ...I don't remember any of this playing out like this. I know this is a dream but my flashback nightmares are usually more accurate than this.

**Hagrid:** Las' time I saw yeh, you was only a baby. Yeh look a lot like yer dad, but yeh've got yer mum's eyes.

**Young Harry:** You remember your lines?

**Hagrid:** Mostly. We'll still be skippin' around a bit. Anyway, a very happy birthday to yeh. Got summat fer yeh here — I mighta sat on it at some point, but it'll taste all right.

_From inside his coat he pulls a slightly squashed cake with “Happy Birthday Harry” written on it in green icing. It only just occurred to me, seventeen years later, what a dick move it was for the movie to have HAGRID not know how to spell correctly; what the shit was the thought process on that one!? Man, I sure hope somebody got fired for that blunder._

**Young Harry:** Who are you?

**Hagrid:** *laughing — HE SHOULD BE CHUCKLING okay the nitpicks are going too far I'll tone it down no I won't* True, I haven't introduced meself. Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts.

**Young Harry:** Funny, Filch always seemed more like Keeper of the Keys, you kind of just stuck to groundskeeper — I mean what's Hogwarts?

**Hagrid:** Tha' thing yeh'll know all abou', o'course.

**Young Harry:** I think it's been pretty firmly established in this version that I don't so you continuing to quote the book is actually kind of inappropes in this case.

**Hagrid:** Stop tryin' ter make that a thing.

**Young Harry:** Er — no. Sorry.

**Hagrid:** Sorry? It's them as should be sorry! I know yeh weren' getting' yer letters but I never thought yeh wouldn' even know abou' Hogwarts, fer cryin' out loud! Did yeh never wonder where yer parents learnt it all?

**Young Harry:** I now want to just see the books on stage and see how that would work.

_HAGRID turns menacingly toward UNCLE VERNON (and the other two DURSLEYS but fuck them I guess)._

**Hagrid:** Do you mean ter tell me, that this boy — this boy! — knows nothin' abou' — about ANYTHING!?

**Uncle Vernon:** I forbid you to continue with the rest of the chapter!

**Young Harry:** What chapter...

_HAGRID looks at UNCLE VERNON and then at YOUNG HARRY._

**Hagrid:** Harry... *bursts into song*  
 _YER HARRY FREAKIN' POTTER!_  
 _Yeh don' understand_  
 _Yer a legend, man_  
 _To us all_  
 _Ev'ry son and daughter_ — SAFE!  
 _From You-Know-Who_  
 _All because o' you_  
 _Yeh were small_  
 _But I wonder_  
 _If yeh can recaaaaaall..._

_And then, right from the back of the room, whispering around everyone._

_Words said with an unmistakable voice apart from the fact that it isn't Ralph Finnes anymore. The voice of VOLDEMORT..._

_Why didn't they write his name here, the way I'm understanding this structure it looks like they made Hagrid say it. Get used to me saying that, this happens every fucking time._

_Haaaaarry Pottttttter...The emphasis on all the ts in your name is probably not giving it the effect I was going for..._

ACT ONE, SCENE NINE  
HARRY AND GINNY POTTER'S HOUSE, BEDROOM

_HARRY wakes suddenly. Breathing deeply in the night._

_He waits a moment. Calming himself. I ironically don't know how scripts work. Despite having written in pseudo-script format for over a decade. Why are sentences separated by periods. When using commas would serve so much better grammatically. And now HARRY's feeling intense pain in his forehead. In his scar. I've had intense headaches centered in particular areas too. There is no need for Dark Magic to be moving around him._

**Ginny:** I am awake now.

**Harry:** Shit, I'm sorry.

**Ginny:** Meh. Lumos.

_The room is filled with light from her wand. HARRY looks at her._

So what kind of horrible nightmare flashback was it this time?

**Harry:** It actually started off pretty well. I dreamed about Hagrid coming to rescue me from the Dursleys the first time we met. It wasn't _exactly_ how I remembered it, but hey, dreams, right?

**Ginny:** Aww, that's sweet, I miss Hagrid.

**Harry:** Yeah, me too. I just wish Voldemort hadn't turned up at the end to ruin everything.

**Ginny:** I think that's a decent summary of your entire school career.

_Pause. GINNY looks at HARRY — trying to work out where he is. It's next to her — he's right the fuck next to her, on the fucking bed, on the fucking stage._

Want a Sleeping Draught?

**Harry:** Nah, I'm good. It's probably just because Hagrid told me how my parents died right after and I found out about Voldemort for the first time too, and then I got phantom pain from the memory of Voldemort himself. That is an utterly logical explanation that makes perfect sense and will therefore prove to be incorrect later on. You go sleep-sleeps.

**Ginny:** Not unless you also go sleep-sleeps.

_HARRY says nothing. She sees that he's wide-the-fuck-awake now._

So Amos was kind of a prick, eh?

**Harry:** He has every right to be, I got his son murdered. People are butthurt when their kids die. Pro tip.

**Ginny:** FOR FUCK'S SAKE, I THOUGHT WE WERE STARTING TO MAKE PROGRESS HERE—

**Harry:** Fine, fine, we'll talk about something I actually _should_ be feeling guilty about, how about that.

_GINNY knows what — or rather who — he's referring to. Which, she was right there, so...kind of obvious and not fully necessary to point it out like this..._

**Ginny:** Look, I know it's hard for you to comprehend because literally anything was better than the Dursleys and a getaway for ten months when you don't have to put up with people like that can seem like paradise, but _different people have different experiences._ Did you not hear about Tilda Swinton condemning JKR for glorifying boarding schools because of her own dealings with them? If you don't have a support system in a place that you are unable to leave for most of the year, it's basically prison. And I get that you tried with the blanket, but I agree with Al that getting him a private tutor to work with over holidays and things would have been way better.

**Harry:** I never got to finish reciting “Dear Theodosia” lyrics or explain what they meant...

**Ginny:** How is it that Al's somehow never heard that song and yet I can almost guarantee he'll be singing other stuff from that musical later on.

**Harry:** It's best not to read too much into that. But yeah, any advice?

**Ginny:** Not really. I'm actually pretty sick of the “son is upset because of perceived fatherly indifference” trope, that shit got played out more than twenty years ago. Also _Boruto_ 's handling it better anyway, something I never thought I'd say...

**Harry:** I just wish he would've been written as someone with two siblings, and nine first cousins, and a godbrother, as well as a godfather who works at Hogwarts, instead of basically seeming like an only child with just one cousin he barely interacts with. Hogwarts is a big place with a lot of people, but more importantly he's got this massive extended _and_ immediate family who can't all have turned on him — we only get one throwaway, classic dickbag big brother line and we never know how Lily took the news because she's a girl and doesn't matter — but _some_ kind of support system could easily have been had.

**Ginny:** It's a play, though; that works well enough for a book or a TV series or even a film, but you have to scale back in a play since there's only so much you can squeeze onto one stage.

**Harry:** Again with the _Naruto_ sequel series of all things beating us in terms of quality.

**Ginny:** STOP SAYING THINGS THAT ARE TRUE.

**Harry:** “The truth is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution.”

_GINNY looks at him, confused and alarmed._

Classic Dumbledore quite from when I was eleven.

**Ginny:** That the time he didn't tell you the prophecy, leading directly to Sirius's death in four years?

**Harry:** That's the one.

_HARRY gasps again — and does all he can not to touch his forehead._

**Ginny:** ...Dude?

**Harry:** I'm good.

**Ginny:** Your scar is _not_ hurting right now.

**Harry:** Of course not, I had a Voldemort-related nightmare, this is just phantom pain.

**Ginny:** It better be. The Horcrux formerly attached to your face is dead. You died to make that happen. Now if a phoenix had recently cried on your forehead, I might accept it, but...

_HARRY turns to GINNY, his face says it all._

**Harry:** Teddy is twenty-two and I have no idea what's become of him. Forget the idea that I'm a shitty father — what kind of _godfather_ have I become!?

ACT ONE, SCENE TEN  
THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS

_ALBUS walks quickly along the train._

**Rose:** Hey, 's-'sup?

**Albus:** What do you want.

_ROSE isn't sure how to phrase what she has to say without sounding like the massive asshole they've turned her into._

**Rose:** Albus, fourth year is the year that shit gets real. I don't want you to have to face that alone. I want to be friends again.

**Albus:** You know, we never had to _stop_ being friends. You were the one who broke things off the second I was Sorted.

**Rose:** Now look, I'm not one to judge—

**Albus:** You _are_ one to judge.

**Rose:** I'm not.

**Albus:** Yeah you are, you judge me all the time.

**Rose:** I'm not one to judge, but—

**Albus:** You point your finger at me and you judge me, and you say that I'm a bad person.

**Rose:** I'm not one to judge—

**Albus:** All right.

**Rose:** —but it was more like the second you sat down with Scorpius. But not for the reasons you think! W-We were best friends when we were six and — and I inherited my father's jealousy issues, that's all!

**Albus:** That's interesting, since I considered you my best friend when we were _eleven._ Why was your cut-off date so much sooner?

_He makes to walk away. She drags him into an empty compartment._

**Rose:** Have you heard the rumors? You know, the ones that I have absolutely no reason to tell you about apart from the fact that they make the plot happen? There was a massive Ministry raid and once again your dad was a huge hero.

**Albus:** How do you always know about these things and I don't?

**Rose:** Because I give enough of a shit to keep an ear to the ground about stuff our family's up to? Also Mum isn't nearly as subtle about things as she thinks.

**Albus:** Ah.

**Rose:** But Uncle Harry — he tracked down a former classmate of his and my parents — someone who was so much of a blank slate that virtually anyone could characterize him however they wanted — in this case he had a load of Dark artifacts and a whole bunch of other illegal things — including a Time-Turner. And quite a continuity-breaking one at that. Heh, wouldn't it have been an interesting twist if the Time-Turner _was_ part of the rumor-mill and you, Scorpius, and Delphi went through a bunch of shit for nothing and eventually got caught and had to deal with the consequences of breaking and entering the Ministry for literally no reason? I'd read that AU.

_ALBUS looks at ROSE, everything falling into place._

**Albus:** A Time-Turner, eh?

**Rose:** KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.

**Albus:** No.

**Rose:** Well fuck you then.

**Albus:** Okay, off to find Scorpius now. _Bye._

_He walks down the train. ROSE follows, still filled with determination._

**Rose:** Bitch wait!

_Albus turns decisively._

**Albus:** You have been painted as a judgmental, cold-hearted bitch from our first scene together. Unless they actually took the time to paint you as a suddenly sympathetic character who actually gives a damn about anyone but herself and/or the way she is perceived, I'd like to know who put you up to this.

**Rose:** *gets super butthurt* Okay, maybe your mum owled my dad, former Weasley to Weasley — but only because Hugo's evidently still not of Hogwarts age yet and any and all cousins we may or may not have from other Weasleys also don't give a shit about a stinking Slytherin so I was the only one who could talk to you—

**Albus:** This point may be getting old but until it stops being relevant I highly encourage beating this dead horse. With that in mind, how 'bout you fuck off the edge of my dick.

_SCORPIUS is sitting in his usual compartment. Remember this. It's gonna hurt in a second. ALBUS enters first, ROSE still stalking him._

**Scorpius:** Albus! Come with me! Oh hello, Rose! Why won't you give me the time of day? Is it because you're superficial?

**Rose:** ...

**Scorpius:** And thank you for proving my point. Meh, I long ago learned the advantages of patience. Besides, you still smell nice.

**Rose:** Fucking _what!?_

**Scorpius:** You know that no matter what you think there is between us it need not be terminal. Seriously, you smell like fresh flowers and freshly baked bread, it's nice. You are so...my girl.

**Albus:** Oh, are we doing Harvey quotes too now?

**Scorpius:** Why not, he's still Farscape-Scorpy, sorta.

**Albus:** I love things that are lifted directly from other sources!

**Rose:** ...Albus, I am now available to you if you want to talk. Because I have to be.

**Scorpius:** That's my Rosie. Still in denial? Dude, I get that I'm awkward, but why are you so offended by me saying you smell like fresh bread, it's one of the best aromas to be found on this planet, so much so that I can't believe candle companies haven't leapt onto it; have you ever _been_ to a bakery? The smell's amazing.

_ROSE walks away so she can vomit elsewhere._

**Scorpius:** I'M DESCRIBING WHAT AMORTENTIA WOULD SMELL LIKE TO ME, WOMAN! No matter what happens...you...have worked your way into my heart. These...primitive animal urges you think you must resist, they're not relics from an uncivilized time, they are in you for a reason! Because you need them.

**Albus:** She's not even in earshot anymore, man.

**Scorpius:** Don't let her frighten you, Albus, hmm? I mean, what luscious lips. Among...other things.

**Albus:** Dude that's my cousin.

**Scorpius:** Can't speak. Thirsty. Women! *drools*

**Albus:** Forgot how creepy Farscape-Scorpy could be at times. Moving along...I've been looking for you everywhere...

**Scorpius:** ...Dude I've been right here. This has been established as my _usual_ compartment. You dumbass. Foresight, and preparation. I always get here early so I can avoid all the “He's Voldemort's son” boll yotz, you _know_ this, Merlin you're thick. How did you survive this far? Anyway, I know she's disgusted at the idea that I fancy her, but if she were to ever just offer me a simple and polite rejection, I'd be fine with that. I'd _love_ to be stuck in the friend zone, you know what I mean? 'Cause then, you know, we'd be _friends,_ I'd like that a lot.

_ALBUS hugs his friend. With fierceness. They hold for a beat. SCORPIUS is surprised by this._

So — in this society that we live in, one that is still in large part fueled by toxic masculinity, there is a perceived image that those who identify as male have been indoctrinated to maintain, and that is of a lack of any emotion besides “tough” ones like anger. Even when we're happy, which we are allowed to feel, we often aren't able to show that feeling in any way that might jeopardize this “manly” image. Everything and anything that could be construed as being feminine is perceived as being less manly, less being the key word here, because to appear feminine is to be lesser because of the still oft-held belief that women are lesser than men. And for whatever reason, showing that you care about something or someone is considered feminine. This has led to the unwritten rule that Men And Boys Do Not Hug. In addition, men being perceived as a homosexual, whether you are or aren't, is so looked down upon not just because people don't like what they don't understand and in fact it scares them, but because what is more feminine than being attracted to men? Which is why even the smallest instance of physical affection — such as this — will have people making the connection that we are not one hundred percent straight ever after, regardless of our canon sexualities, whatever they may be.

_The boys awkwardly dislocate._

**Albus:** You do know that a large faction of the LGBTQ+ community rightfully see themselves as underrepresented in media, and have to work with what they can?

**Scorpius:** Which I am completely in favor of — I'm just sick of blokes being assumed gay just because they expressed emotion and/or showed physical affection to not a woman.

**Albus:** That's fair. Now we have to get off this train because shut up.

_There's the sound of whistles from off. The train have started to move._

**Scorpius:** ...Well so much for that, eh? Stay that command.

**Albus:** Nope, still doing this.

**Trolley Witch:** Candy from the trolley? Way too soon once again?

_ALBUS opens a window and makes to climb out._

**Scorpius:** Okay, okay, no, no, decelerate, slow down, yield.

**Albus:** Sorry, Scorpius, I can't hear you over my acceleration.

**Trolley Witch:** We serve nothing of nutritional value whatsoever. _Trust me._

**Scorpius:** Is this some kind of joke? Albus Severus Potter, do _not_ go all Gryffindor on me.

**Albus:** Unpossible, I am completely fearless right now and therefore there's no reason to be courageous.

**Scorpius:** You...have such a limited mental capacity, Albus...but apparently...an abundant will to prevail. Well my advice to you is to use that will right here, right now! You do not know what you're doing. This is insane, Albus.

**Albus:** God! Four years on and you're finally getting that! And speaking of Houses we might've been better suited for, talk to me about the Triwizard Tournament, Kid Who'd Probably Be Better Suited For Ravenclaw.

**Scorpius:** *shakes head slowly* I should've seen it. I deserve what comes next. *goes back to being all happified* Righty-ho! Three schools pick three champions to compete in four tasks for one trophy. Why, did you hear that was back on or something—

**Albus:** NEEEEEEEEEERD!

**Scorpius:** Ya-huh!

**Albus:** So _why_ is it probably never happening again within the previous generation's lifetimes?

**Scorpius:** 'Cause last time, a Death Eater forced your at-the-time underage father to compete so Voldemort could rise again at the end of it and also Cedric Diggory became the first well-publicized casualty of the Second War. And I concur with them.

**Albus:** That's a great summation of the lore, Scorpius. Now then — did Cedric _need_ to be killed?

**Scorpius:** Turn back, mate, no one _needs_ to be killed unless they're genocidal maniacs or leap to the defense of genocidal maniacs. Or if they unironically think Griffith did nothing wrong.

**Albus:** Exactly. It's basically my dad's fault Cedric died. Voldemort just wanted Dad — Cedric was a spare. But I just found out about a continuity-breaking Time-Turner, and I'm gonna use it to make sure Cedric doesn't die.

**Scorpius:** No, Albus, no! Beyond the part where you _know_ that Time-Turners are a huge trigger for me, _you have no grandparents and are missing an uncle, to say nothing of your orphaned godbrother._ Why do you want to save Cedric in particular?

**Albus:** If we arrange it so Cedric doesn't die, Voldemort might not come back into power in the first place. Bam, every war death averted. *beat* And I don't want to save my paternal grandparents because if they lived I know Dad would be a vastly different person and might end up with someone other than my mum, and as bad as we have it at school I rather like existing, thanks. But no, Amos Diggory came to our house last night, knowing that Dad had a Time-Turner, and Dad just blew him off. It's like he doesn't feel guilty at all. Well, I'm gonna show everyone that the great Harry Potter isn't as great as everyone thinks he is, and I'm going to start by saving a life that he couldn't. *beat* Ten scenes in and we finally figured out the plot...

**Scorpius:** ...You're out of your mind, Albus. I can't even _begin_ to list everything wrong with what you just said, but I think I'll try anyway—

**Albus:** THERE'S NO TIME! Also I wouldn't last an hour without you, I say, purposefully guilting you into coming with me. Now if you'll excuse me, _I_...am going to fulfill my lifelong dream.

_He grins, as manipulative as his namesake. And then disappears ever up. SCORPIUS hesitates for a moment. He wonders if this is how REMUS always felt around the other MARAUDERS. And then hoists himself up and disappears after ALBUS._

ACT ONE, SCENE ELEVEN  
ROOF OF THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS

_The wind whistles from all angles and it's a fierce wind at that. Good for it._

**Albus:** *climbs train* Oh my god, this is going to be aweSHIIIIIIT! *sticks his head above train, ducks back down* OW! THE DUST! It's like being shot in the eyes by a...glitter gun!

**Scorpius:** You're making a, um...mistake, Albus.

**Albus:** Okay, let's try that ag—AAAAH, SHIIIIIT! RETINAS! SEARED LIKE TUNA STEAKS! WHYYYYYYYYY! Do people do this!?

**Scorpius:** So, rethinking this, huh?

**Albus:** Beyond all this stupid shit, I've somehow memorized the entire route from King's Cross to Hogsmeade Station. If we get off soon, I also conveniently know the layout of the entire area and it should be a quick walk to St. Oswald's Home for Old Witches and Wizards.

**Scorpius:** You resist all reason. Oh...Well. We're both dead.

_SCORPIUS sees something he doesn't want to see. This play. EYYYY!_

**Albus:** You saw the second Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes movie, right? I figure we carry that out should our Cushioning Charms fuck up. Which — apparently that's a third year spell now...

**Scorpius:** Sorry but I need your attention. And we only have a few moments. It's the Trolley Witch.

**Albus:** We can eat when we get there. Something _healthy._

**Scorpius:** No, she's on top of the frelling train with us. And I have been unable to discern her current strategies.

**Albus:** U wot?

_SCORPIUS points ALBUS and there fore THE AUDIENCE in the right direction, and now he (meaning ALBUS) can see the TROLLEY WITCH, who approaches nonchalantly, pushing her trolley._

**Trolley Witch:** I'm acting like all of this is normal so as to appear more menacing!

**Albus:** And...you're doing a great job.

**Trolley Witch:** This is another blank slate of a character that you can manipulate however you wish, even in an attempt to add to the lore of the Wizarding World. I'm such a blank character, in fact, that I don't think I even have a name!

**Albus:** Ooooh, did the playwright give you one, then, that'd be an interesting development—

**Trolley Witch:** Nnnope!

**Albus:** Oh. That's disappointing...

**Scorpius:** What species are you? And who are you working for?

**Trolley Witch:** Don't know about species, but my name-dropping of former Minister for Magic Ottoline Gambol proves that Thorne has, in fact, visited Pottermore. When it first launched with all the tidbits from the first book and presumably never again despite later evidence to the contrary.

**Scorpius:** Nothing can hurt you. Is that what you're trying to say? As that's, what, roughly one hundred and ninety years you've been doing this job? Meh, I can see some witches and wizards living past two hundred, we do have a much longer lifespan than Muggles—

**Trolley Witch:** PUMPKIN PASTIES ARE BOMBS NOW!

_She picks up a Pumpkin Pasty. She throws it like a grenade. It asploads._

And you won't even believe what I can do with my Chocolate Frogs!

**Scorpius:** Now that's all I want to know about. She has just begun to help. *beat* You know for some reason, I didn't think we'd have a big frelling weird train battle. 

**Albus:** YES! Fighting on the top of a train!

**Scorpius:** Consider this: This is Jack Thorne saying “I want a scene where I fight on top of a train. Right? I don't care how it happens—”

**Albus:** Exactly!

**Scorpius:** “—how we get here doesn't matter.”

**Albus:** “Just make sure it happens!” There's an episode of _Archer_ dedicated to just this. Just to the fetishization of fighting on top of trains.

**Scorpius:** I know, you've been quoting it. You could do with some assistance.

**Trolley Witch:** Never have I ever let anyone escape from this prison, no matter how terrible and abusive their home and/or school life may be and whether or not they see physically running away as their only recourse because every other avenue has failed them. And I am officially adding to the lore by stating that the Weasley twins and Sirius Black have also tried and failed to do what you are now trying and about to fail to do.

**Scorpius:** The Marauder? SCRATCH THAT, I EITHER NEED DETAILS ABOUT THE MARAUDERS' EXPLOITS RIGHT THE DREN NOW OR I NEED TO GO WRITE THAT ONESHOT IMMEDIATELY.

**Albus:** You already did, it's on ff.net right now and will be uploaded to AO3 after this chapter's posted.

**Trolley Witch:** PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

_The TROLLEY WITCH's hands transform into very sharp spikes. She will hereafter be known as the TROLLEY WOLVERINE. She smiles._

ALL I WANT IS TO FIGHT ON THE TOP OF A TRAIN! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK!?

**Albus:** So instead of some sort of protective enchantment that makes one unable to jump, Gambol thought it best to inflict bodily harm onto small children instead.

**Scorpius:** Should the Trolley Wolverine...wish to execute us...I have no doubt she would succeed. We could not run, if we wished. There's nowhere to go.

**Albus:** The good news is now I'm furious. No matter, we're nearly at the viaduct. It's now or never.

**Scorpius:** Stop this, Albus! Or we'll both die! I vote never! I vote we go with a different plotline that's far less overall rage-inducing.!

**Albus:** Enh... _Naaaaaaaaah._ THE INCANTATION FOR THE CUSHIONING CHARM IS MOLLIARE NOW!

_He incants as he jumps and as a bunch of NERDS add notes so as to properly adjust their fan works._

**Scorpius:** ...I may well have joined the wrong side.

_He looks down desperately after his “friend.” He looks at the approaching TROLLEY WOLVERINE. Her hair wild. Her spikes parti—Her spikes particularly spiky!?_ Fuck you with that description, you hack.

Your species...has brutal flair. I _was_ going to have fun fighting you, but then that description happened. Good-bye.

_He pinches his nose, he jumps after ALBUS, incanting as he goes. Not in the books and not in any of the other fanfiction I've read have I ever seen spellcasting described as “incanting,” it's fucking weird._

Molliare!


	5. Act 1 Part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **...SO HOW 'BOUT THAT NEW FANTASTIC BEASTS TRAILER:** _Mulan,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, 300, Farscape,_ None Piece, _Final Fantasy VIII, The Simpsons, Monty Python's Flying Circus, The Princess Bride, Archer,_ and everything ever created by J.K. Rowling who was very explicit on multiple occasions that wizards don't know what trousers are but I guess every single costume designer on the planet somehow missed that.

ACT ONE, SCENE TWELVE  
MINISTRY OF MAGIC, GRAND MEETING ROOM

_The stage is flooded with extras, probably dressed like Muggles with longer jackets and that supposedly makes them wizards and witches. They rattle and chatter like all true wizards and witches can. So I suppose if you're mute or even if you don't like to chat while you wait you're not a REAL wizard or witch, then. Amongst them, GINNY, DRACO, and RON. Above them, on a_...nother _stage, HERMIONE and HARRY._

**Hermione:** Order! People, order!

**Ron:** I'd like a pan-fried noodle!

**Ginny:** Ooh, ooh, sweet and pungent shrimp!

**Hermione:** You two fuck off. The rest of you, do I have to use a Silencing Charm? Which is what I probably meant by the awkward phrase “conjure silence,” what even is...

_She pulls silence from the crowd using her wand...so a nonverbal Silencing Charm to make her constituents physically unable to talk back? That's, uh, that's horrifying..._

Okay. Welcome to this Super Special Awesome General Meeting. I'm so glad so many of you will be ignored in favor of the five of us who matter. The wizarding world has been living in peace now for many years. I'm sure none of you knew that until I told you just now. It's twenty-two years since we defeated Voldemort at the Battle of Hogwarts, and I'm delighted to say there is a new generation being brought up having somehow avoided a new goblin rebellion after what happened at Gringotts roughly a day or two before the Battle even happened. But enough about far more interesting and infinitely more realistic post-book story lines. Harry.

**Harry:** Voldemort's allies — _former_ allies, really should've specified that — have been showing signs of movement for a few months now. And I'm not talking about Death Eaters, unfortunately — again, it would've been interesting to see the _very_ few who evaded Azkaban trying to make a play for power again. We've followed trolls making their way across Europe, but we're not too worried about that, a group of half-trained first-years could take them out. Giants are starting to cross seas as well, and not once are we ever going to even consider sending Hagrid and/or Madam Maxime to attempt to parlay with them again, that would mean solutions to our problems. And the werewolves — all our efforts using Remus Lupin's example to lift most of their stigma was apparently for fucking nothing, since now every single one in Britain has now fucking vanished. Don't ask me about the status of half-werewolves or whatever Bill and his kids qualify as because I do not have the slightest clue — again, wouldn't it be interesting if one of my kids and other family members we'll never hear about were already neck-deep in this? It would certainly be a better excuse for everyone to get involved if people we all knew were already in danger rather than “Oh shit I've got a headache and the whole Ministry must now panic.” Anyway, all of these groups are moving somewhere and we don't know why — we just know that there's a conflict brewing in the background that won't ever really go beyond this. Have any of you seen anything more immediately pressing? Something in direct relation to the plot? If you could raise a wand, we will remove the Silencing Charm from you specifically so you can speak. Professor McGonagall — what up, fam?

**Professor McGonagall:** I'll be quick — the train will be arriving at Hogwarts soon. It did look like the potions stores had been interfered with when we returned from summer break, but not a huge amount of ingredients were missing. Lacewing flies have always been readily available to students, but Boomslang skin has only been moved off the Restricted Register after the war ended. Apparently. Because what could go wrong there. Both of those have gone missing in large quantities, but those two particular ingredients have never led to anything harmful. Besides, why would anyone attempting to do anything nefarious on a global level break into a school so safely guarded as Hogwarts when you could just steal it from any apothecary probably, or worst case Knockturn Alley? We're not too worried about it.

**Hermione:** Thank you, Professor. We will never put two and two together that obviously someone is making Polyjuice Potion again even though I made it myself when I was only thirteen and have an eidactic memory so HOW THE FUCK AM I NOT REALIZING THE MOST OBVIOUS PART OF THE PLAN, SO MANY THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF ANYONE WITH A BRAIN CELL AND WHO HAD A TALENT FOR POTIONS COULD HAVE RECOGNIZED THIS INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS REVELAITON. *looks around the room* ...That's it? Okay...anyway — and here's the real bullshit, all was well up to this point — Harry's scar is hurting again.

**Draco:** *somehow breaking through the Silencing Charm* Ma'am, are you aware that you're spouting complete bullshit! Potter literally died so the Horcrux attached to his face could be destroyed, so unless a phoenix cried on his forehead when no one was looking — in which case why is there still a scar—

**Hermione:** Yes, Draco, we get it, one can be forgiven for not considering shit posted on Pottermore canon — I personally subscribe to anything JKR says being Word of God but if you think canon begins and ends with the books then you do you — but this is the only way to get this plot to work. We have to pretend that Voldemort's Horcrux could temporarily come back to life because, after all, Harry himself did once.

_This gets a vague but not really reasonable reaction._

**Harry:** This bullshit theory would go away a lot easier if my scar was the only one to flare up and I could just be convinced it was just phantom pain brought on by your standard PTSD nightmare flashback or a very specifically located headache which can sometimes happen. Any of you with Dark Marks feeling anything? I feel like only then should we start to actually freak out.

**Draco:** Well isn't it curious that mine never does. Also why didn't you ask me that in private instead of dragging all of Wizarding Britain out and making them panic over something that might not be fucking anything!?

**Hermione:** Dude, do you want post-war shit or not?

**Draco:** I want post-war shit that makes sense within the mythos. Potter gets a headache and you all go batshit. He claims to hate his fame but this honestly does kind of read like you lot just want to be relevant again—

**Harry:** Oh you are _not_ accusing me of wanting to stay in the papers!

**Draco:** I'm sure your wife could arrange something for the _Prophet_ without all of this shit!

_GINNY steps toward him, an eyebrow raised._

**Ginny:** *sarcastically* Yes, because insight into Auror investigations _totally_ belong next to editorial pieces about how Quadpot is the superior wizarding sport.

**Hermione:** Draco. Harry told me in confidence about a headache he had that made him momentarily think the worst. And I — as Minister for Magic—

**Draco:** About that, remind me what happened to Shacklebolt again?

_RON is held back by GINNY as he charges DRACO._

**Ron:** Were you this sexist before or is this a new development.

**Draco:** Dude. An ineffective leader is an ineffective leader, regardless of gender or politics or anything else. You have now caused nationwide panic because Potter had a PTSD nightmare flashback that will turn out to mean nothing because it _cannot_ mean anything. And you bringing Voldemort's name back into the public ear is only going to make things worse for my son, you realize that, right?

**Harry:** Like I said, I'm legit _exhausted_ of this conversation—

**Draco:** THEN STOP BEING WRONG! It's a really easy way to stop getting frustrated at the conversation!

_He walks out like a boss. Others follow mob mentality and follow after him like the sheep they always were._

**Hermione:** Stop, don't, come back.

ACT ONE, SCENE THIRTEEN  
ST. OSWALD'S HOME FOR OLD WITCHES AND WIZARDS

_This is chaos. This is magic! THIS! IS! ST. OSWALD'S HOME FOR OLD WITCHES AND WIZARDS! And yes, that meme is as old as you think it is._

_Walker frames are enchanted into life, which seems pretty standard, knitting wool is enchanted into chaos — which Molly did that too and I knew some friends in_ high school _that knitted, why is that still stereotyped as an old person thing especially with the arthritis — and male nurses are made to dance the tango. Ahem._ Made _to dance the tango. That wording immediately implies Imperius Curse._

_These are people relieved of the burden of having to do magic for a reason — instead these witches and wizards do magic for fun. Because learning to make teacups grow legs and dance in fifth year was_ totally _the most practical spell ever created. And what fun they have. With Unforgivables. They are seriously using Unforgivable Curses on their minders. Someone make this the next Azkaban before it's too late._

_ALBUS and SCORPIUS enter, looking at the shitshow around themselves, amused, and let's face it, because us facing it somehow counts as a stage direction, pissing themselves with fear._

**Albus and Scorpius:** Um, hello? He-Hello?

**Scorpius:** Who is in charge here, who should I be addressing, and who...is going to take the blame?

**Albus:** We're looking to break continuity, and we heard Amos Diggory could help us?

_There is suddenly total silence as everyone wonders why they asked the room at large rather than the front desk because why the fuck wouldn't a place like this have a front desk. Everything is instantly still which must look hilarious for the Imperiused tangoing male nurses. Also everyone is sad now because this is bullshit._

**Wool Woman:** ...What, am I the only one knitting, is that why I'm called that, what the shit. Also what the fuck do you boys want with that man who still mourns the death of his child, but his depression makes us uncomfortable so instead of trying to help him overcome his grief we all shun him?

**Albus:** Oh no. It's almost like your kid dying makes you sad.

_DELPHI appears with a smile._

**Delphi:** ...When I said to come visit sometime I didn't really intend for you to outright ditch school because that would look super suspicious — but who cares! Come and say hello to Uncle Amos!

**Albus:** You're a tall drink of glass.

**Scorpius:** You're a tall glass of drink.

**Albus:** I'd suck a fart outta _her_ ass!

**Scorpius:** …

**Delphi:** ...

**Wool woman:** …

**Tangoing Imperiused Male Nurses:** …

**Amos:** …

**Harry:** …

**Ron:** …

**Hermione:** …

**Ginny:** …

**Draco:** …

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Albus:** …

**Scorpius:** ...I don't think I would.

ACT ONE, SCENE FOURTEEN  
ST. OSWALD'S HOME FOR OLD WITCHES AND WIZARDS, AMOS'S ROOM

_AMOS looks at SCORPIUS and ALBUS — too old for this shit. DELPHI watches the three of them._

**Amos:** So let me get this straight. You overhear a conversation — like fucking father like fucking son, you are — and you decide, without knowing all the information, that you would dick around and fuck up everything for everyone.

**Albus:** Dude, my dad _totally_ has that Time-Turner he told you he didn't. I don't have actual proof of this, I just believe rumors like you do, but just take my word for it.

**Amos:** I know? Now get out of here.

**Albus:** Mr. Diggory, we came all this way—

**Amos:** Don't care, despite all the hard work the previous generation and indeed most YA novels and shounen anime have tried to push the idea that teenagers are the only ones capable of anything, I refuse to believe someone who isn't an adult yet can accomplish anything of value.

**Albus:** ...Did...Did you even _read_ the books?

**Amos:** Oh are you gonna start quoting all of the amazing things your precious father did before he came of age, then!?

**Albus:** Actually, the first thing that came to mind was Uncle Ron taking out a fully-grown mountain troll when he was eleven, but—

**Amos:** A Potter in Slytherin House — Rita Sketer's still hard at work I imagine, pity we never see her either, she could've been pushed as the biggest rumor monger Malfoy here had to deal with — and why the fuck would you bring a Malfoy with you, even if he's not Voldemort's son he's still a Malfoy! And it actually sort of makes sense for me to still think Slytherin equates to evil since I often romanticized the past even before I became a set-in-his-ways old piece of shit!

**Albus:** I'm beginning to think you don't like us much.

**Amos:** Well, it's good that I got confirmation on what I already know at any rate. Now then, I present to you the edge of my dick. Please fuck off from it.

**Albus:** *with power and strength that my contrarian brain for some reason conjured the voice of Squeaky Voiced Teen* No, you need to listen to me, because I'm not one of those people who tries to coddle my father and convince him he's not to blame for all of the deaths he's caused — I _know_ he's actually to blame for, maybe not all of them, but enough to warrant the rage of people like you. I have the power to help you, so _let me help you._

**Amos:** *raising his voice* Hmm, let me think about no.

_He raises his wand ominously. ALBUS looks at the wand — he deflates like a balloon — AMOS has crushed him, with a sixteen-ton weight from Monty Python. What is my brain right now._

**Delphi:** I can think of one way to make you go along with this, Uncle.

_They stop._

One of them fell into my trap by coming here and the other one's probably just here to make sure the first one doesn't do anything too stupid.

**Albus:** Is there any greater system than the buddy system? It's perfect. Who would attack _two_ people. No one.

**Delphi:** Exactly, and this way, they could _both_ prove useful to my overall evil plan. They've already proven they'll do some stupid shit just by getting here. What better shot am I — are _we_ — going to get?

**Amos:** I really wish you wouldn't use my son as such horrible bait—

**Delphi:** Well tough, that's kind of the entire premise. Plus, with Albus here, we could totally spy on Harry Potter himself. I know both of us would like that.

_DELPHI kisses the top of AMOS's head, probably wandlessly reinforcing the Confundus Charm she has on him by doing so. Which, usually I bitch about wandless magic not being as big a thing in the books, but with her I could see it, especially considering what happens later. AMOS looks at DELPHI, and then turns to look at the boys._

**Amos:** Remind me why you're doing all this shit again?

**Albus:** Because my dad is a piece of shit, because I want to do something right for once, because I want to impress the hot chick next to you, take your fucking pick.

**Scorpius:** Is she even that hot, though, we're not getting much of a description. As is par for the course...

**Albus:** She's hot enough that there is a very clear implication that I would like to put my penis in or on that.

**Scorpius:** Yes, that sounds quite reasonable.

**Amos:** *finally showing emotion* My son — my son was the best thing that ever happened to me — fuck my wife — I don't even know if she's still alive and I don't much care — she didn't even deserve a name, fuck women in general, they don't matter — so are you sure you boys are up for this?

**Albus:** Absolutely.

**Scorpius:** I don't think so. The reverse is more like. Forgive me, my mind isn't clear, but I seem to recall NEVER SIGNING UP FOR ANY OF THIS DREN.

**Amos:** Delphi — perhaps you just implanted the idea for me to suggest you go with them in order to further your evil plan?

**Delphi:** That's probably exactly what happened, Uncle.

_She smiles at ALBUS, he smiles back._

**Amos:** You do realize, you'll probably die just getting the Time-Turner in the first place, right?

**Albus:** Don't have much to live for anyway.

**Scorpius:** And what gave you the impression I answer to _you?_ I resent you calling me here at a whim. Neither one of us...can die!

**Amos:** *jovially, ignoring Scorpius along with everyone else* Have fun storming the Ministry!

ACT ONE, SCENE FIFTEEN  
HARRY AND GINNY POTTER'S HOUSE, KITCHEN

_HARRY, RON, HERMIONE, and GINNY sit eating together, wondering whether or not this is still Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place and, if not, whatever happened to that place and where they live now. This leads to me wondering where KREACHER lives, if he's even still alive, the state that house-elf rights are truly at now that the woman who came up with S.P.E.W. is apparently running the entire government, and what the fuck happened to KINGSLEY._

**Hermione:** I've told Draco again and again — no one in the Ministry is saying anything about Scorpius. Most don't give a shit 'cause he's someone else's kid and they have their own families to worry about — that's usually how that shit works. At any rate, the rumors aren't coming from the Ministry, because I have a keen awareness as to what every low-level employee talks about and can put a stop to whatever leak I choose, which is why it's now common knowledge that we have an OP Time-Turner.

**Ginny:** We really are closer with the man who made our lives a living hell at school to the point where I actually wrote to him after Astoria was shoved into the fridge. I asked if there was anything we could do. I thought maybe — as he was — _is,_ what the hell — such a good friend to Albus — maybe Scorpius might want to stay over part of the Christmas break — never mind the fact that James would never stop giving them shit — more importantly never mind the fact that that would leave Draco all alone and wrapped up in his own grief on Christmas — I probably should've suggested that Albus go over to visit Scorpius instead, or...My owl came back with a letter containing one simple sentence: “If you're not going to use what influence you have at the _Prophet_ to stop printing this nonsense about my son, then at least have your husband publish Croaker's findings so that everyone can shut up about time travel once and for all.”

**Hermione:** I am upset that another person's familial problems is making _me_ feel bad and he should stop so that I can move on with my own life.

**Ginny:** ...Yeah, he should just stop having a dead wife and making all these logical reasons why it would be good in the long run to help Scorpius because _it's not your kid so you care less._

**Ron:** Exactly! What right has he to take his anger out on other people like that? *looks over at Harry who's just collapsed laughing* What's with him?

**Hermione:** *deadpan* I haven't the faintest idea.

**Ron:** Anyway, back to us kind of summarizing the plot for no real reason considering no one's gone anywhere: I don't know about the trolls, Crouch Sr. is dead so I don't know of anyone else who could talk to them, but couldn't we use Hagrid and/or Grawp to talk to the giants? And frankly you really should investigate what the fuck's up with the werewolves a little more than not at all, at least for your godson's sake, _never mind that my eldest brother and his children may or may not also be involved._

**Harry:** You know, I've thought about it, and I don't wanna.

**Ron:** ...Fuck your skull. My main point is that you could be having nightmares because when have you ever _stopped_ having nightmares, and your scar, _again,_ could just be feeling phantom pain _or you could just have a headache._ Which if it does persist maybe you should get that looked at...

**Harry:** Whatever, fuck you, you stupid...shit-face. Yeah, you told...Yeah, what. All right.

**Ron:** Right.

**Harry:** Yeah.

**Ginny:** Well said. 

**Harry:** Told _that_ shit.

**Ron:** Hey, wouldn't it be wacky if, now that the whole wizarding world is implied to have vague knowledge about how Horcruxes worked, everyone started clamoring for Harry to die for our sins again so we wouldn't have to put up with this bullshit anymore? Fuck, wouldn't that give more credence to the idea that _Albus_ is Voldemort's son, I still don't get why everyone's so fixated on Scorpy. Heh, maybe _then_ you'll start leaning on the _Prophet_ to stop spewing crap, eh?

**Ginny:** You still trying to be the comic relief of the group or something?

**Ron:** ...Well I do sort of _work at a joke shop,_ so, yeah, kinda.

**Ginny:** Well leave it at work or I'll complain to Mum.

**Ron:** Oh she _is_ still alive, that's nice to know. If she still has this much sway over the family how come you haven't complained to her about how everyone's treating Albus so as to have her scream everyone into being nice to him instead of monitoring every joke I attempt; that could _actually_ do some good.

**Hermione:** Getting back to the matter at hand—

**Harry:** Why, what's the matter with your—

_GINNY stabs HARRY repeatedly with a fork._

**Hermione:** I don't care how minuscule the chance is, Voldemort killed so many of our loved ones last time and I will not let it happen again.

**Ginny:** The last _two_ times.

**Ron:** Yeah, we never met our uncles and Harry became an orphan.

**Harry:** Every time I have a party my parents are dead, what do I do?

**Hermione:** I don't care. The point is, I won't let anyone else die. I'm doing what Mad-Eye Moody said and remaining constantly vigilant. I don't care how insane or paranoid that makes me appear or how contradictory it is that I barely put any security around the Time-Turner.

**Ron:** No more different than you always behave then, I should think.

_HERMIONE shoots RON a withering look as she aims to hit him but RON jumps out of the way._

Could we do without the spousal abuse for one night?

_GINNY hits RON, who winces._

Oh yeah, sure, play up physical abuse for laughs, that's not harmful...

_HARRY shows off his still-bleeding stab-by-fork wounds._

Please, you were in the middle of a bad pun, that's different and you know it.

_Suddenly an owl is in the room. It swoops in low and drops a letter on HARRY's plate._

**Hermione:** Been meaning to ask, did you ever get a new owl after Hedwig, or...?

_HARRY opens the letter. Surprised. Refusing to answer HERMIONE._

**Harry:** It's from Professor McGonagall.

**Ginny:** What did James do now.

_Harry's face drops. Right onto the table._

**Harry:** It's not James — it's Albus. Him and Scorpius both. They never made it to school. They're missing.

_There is silence._

**Ron:** ...I _so_ want to say something about a flying car—

**Harry:** Mate I was thinking the same thing.

ACT ONE, SCENE SIXTEEN  
WHITEHALL, CELLAR

_SCORPIUS is squinting at a bottle._

**Scorpius:** Are we just not even going to question what this strange woman we just met one day ago is doing with three full bottles of Polyjuice Potion? Why not?

**Albus:** Please, she probably has way more than that. And no, we're not gonna ask where she got my father's, aunt's, and uncle's DNA from, either, or why we have to pretend to be such high-profile people as to easily get figured out if we do the slightest thing wrong. Just accept it as a fortuitous event that'll make the plan you didn't want to be involved with in the first place go a lot smoother.

**Scorpius:** Okay, I have several questions, and until you bring me more information, do nothing, is that clear? One, are you the one who broke into Hogwarts to steal the most obvious of potion ingredients?

**Delphi:** I sure am!

**Scorpius:** Okay, you're obviously the bad guy and there's absolutely no mystery to solve like there usually is in this series, got it. Second point, for when we're inside the Ministry itself. You have a plan?

**Delphi:** Not really! Figured we'd just wing it like these three we're about to change into did last time.

**Scorpius:** How interesting. Third point, how did we get from Yorkshire to London when two of us can't Apparate or use any kind of magic outside Hogwarts without being noticed?

**Delphi:** Don't worry about it.

**Albus:** ...Why?

**Delphi:** Uh, 'cause bad story telling.

**Albus:** Oh, ri—Yeah!

**Scorpius:** Of course. Oh I understand. That won't be a problem. Fourth point, is this going to be painful?

**Delphi:** Ohhh yeah.

**Scorpius:** Splendid. I now want even less to do with this but I have an unhealthy inability to say no to those who are obviously toxic in my life. Fifth point: I apparently cannot handle seafood beyond the fact that it's fucking disgusting to begin with, so it better not taste of fish.

**Delphi:** Just for that, I hope it _does_ taste of fish. *knocks back the potion* It does not taste of fish. *begins to transform; it is impossible for me to picture how this could possibly be done on a live stage setting* Actually it tastes like overcooked cabbage, so still rather repulsive. Which anyone reading the earlier books would know. *burps loudly* Boy is it a pity so few people will ever be able to see this being played out, eh? *burps again, _somehow_ turning into Hermione* ...Shit, is this racist, did I just put on blackface, what are the implications here.

**Albus:** I'm not getting into that.

**Scorpius:** Yeah I don't think any of us are qualified to have this conversation. So much to say. And yet...such little capacity.

**Delphi/Hermione...Hermione/Delphi...Hermelphi:** Okay, moving on — wow, I even sound like her! Finally, some book continuity!

**Albus:** Right. My turn to go through this process that is incredibly hard to picture correctly when one's only reading the script.

**Scorpius:** The phrase “No way José” just passed through a British wizard's lips. For some reason this is more repellent to me than anything else that has happened thus far. *puts on a pair of familiar-looking glasses with a smile* Yo, let's do this thing at the same time, it'll speed things up. I will help...if you taste.

**Albus:** Good idea. On three — three!

_They swallow. Phrasing._

Oh yeah this sucks. *is wracked with pain* This also sucks.

**Scorpius:** It's not meant to be painless. *beat* It never will be painless, Albus.

_They both start to transform and it's agonizing to try and picture this with no visual cues whatsoever._

_ALBUS turns into RON, SCORPIUS into Harry._

_The two look at each other. There is silence._

**Albus/Ron...Ron/Albus...Rolbus:** I suddenly want to abandon the plan and just give the _Daily Prophet_ new material to work with for years. Hell, that alone might take some of the heat off you in particular.

**Scorpius/Harry...Harry/Scorpius...Harpius:** *is really enjoying this* What d'you think, we run out of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes screaming our heads off and wearing nothing but body glitter? Then we can go to that little Italian joint I know!

**Rolbus:** *laughing* Mate I do NOT want to see _that_ every day for the rest of my life, not unless we strategically place said body glitter, and I don't really want to see more of my dad's or uncle's bodies than this.

**Harpius:** *tosses cloak over his shoulder* You just want to suck the fun out of everything...And why were you so adamant about being Ron, anyway, does it have— *burps loudly* Okay since when did Polyjuice make you gassy. Anyway, did you want to be Ron so much because Delphi was going to be Hermione and since your aunt and uncle are meant to be you were subconsciously hoping this would help the two of you along? This may not go as smoothly as you'd hope, Albus.

**Rolbus:** *hastily* You know, he hides it well, but Uncle Ron's got a bit of a gut growing.

**Hermelphi:** You guys gonna help me resolve my daddy issues or what?

_They emerge onto the street. They enter a telephone box. They dial 62442._

**Telephone Box:** ...Dafuq are you two doing in the _visitor's entrance,_ you don't have to escort Weasley everywhere, he's a grown man for fuck's sake.

_They smile as the telephone box disappears into the floor._


	6. Act 1 Part 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **It's Halloween Month So Get Ready For The Scariest Thing Of All – A Shitty Parody Of Crap You Already Hate:** _Hamilton,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, Farscape, Reading Rainbow, Jessica Jones, Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi,_ “Lollipop,” Potter Puppet Pals: The Mysterious Ticking Noise, _My Hero Academia,_ and everything ever created by J.K. Rowling who whatever her flaws at least knows how to write in such a way that you can actually picture what the fuck is happening.

ACT ONE, SCENE SEVENTEEN  
MINISTRY OF MAGIC, MEETING ROOM

_HARRY, HERMIONE, GINNY, and DRACO pace around a small room._

**Draco:** There's no way we could've checked the entire length of tracks between London and Hogsmeade by now, even with magic—

**Harry:** Well apparently we have and apparently Cushioning Charms don't last that long since we haven't found shit.

**Draco:** And the Trolley Witch isn't able to tell us anything useful?

**Hermione:** Oh she's perfectly able, she's just unwilling. She'd rather freak out about how she might lose her job than work to fix her mistake. We could try Veritaserum on her, or at least a Calming Draught, and see whether or not it even works with whatever physiology she has, but we're not going to do that.

**Ginny:** Since the Trace evidently doesn't matter any more — and I could actually understand this generation making changes so that purebloods no longer have that flimsy protection over holidays and things — have there been any instances of magic reported by the Muggles?

**Hermione:** Not so far. I have made whomever the Muggle Prime Minister is at present aware and — bit presumptuous to assume considering this parody was written in November 2017 and is being posted late 2018 — but _he_ is filing what is known as a misper, which I had to Google to find out is slang for missing person and now I feel stupid for not realizing.

**Draco:** Are we truly so incompetent that we're relying on a group of people who deny to themselves that they saw anything out of the ordinary to find a couple of kids that can make things float with a pair of sticks? Have we told them about Potter's predictions of the end of days in his sleep as well?

**Hermione:** Well why the fuck not? I'm determined to use any and every resource at my disposal here. And you lot might not take the reinvigoration of a Horcrux seriously but I — the one who always jumped to the most logical of conclusions and to point out that something that was supposed to be impossible was in fact impossible — have at least learned my lesson and have acknowledged the fact that magic does weird shit. Especially when Dark magic gets involved—

**Draco:** The Death Eaters are done, I've told you before.

**Hermione:** Theodore. Nott.

**Draco:** May not have been a full-on Death Eater, it's not a hundred percent clear, that was his father and if our own spawn have taught us anything it's that children are not carbon copies of their parents. The ones pursuing Dark magic now...They might want to try their hand at being the _next_ Voldemort, but they know there's no hope of him returning, not when we had a body this time. *beat* Also they know not to fuck with me.

**Harry:** And they _don't_ know not to fuck with _me?_

**Ginny:** How am I the only one who came to the correct conclusion?

_HARRY locks eyes with GINNY, it becomes clear what she wants him to admit. Apparently. Even though I didn't realize what she'd figured out until her next line of dialogue. Which might be because I am quite stupid._

**Draco:** Scorpius only has one friend and that's Albus, and I've seen that he would do anything to keep that friendship because otherwise he'd be all alone at school. Forgive me if it sounds like I'm blaming your son for getting mine into this, but it kinda should sound like that because that's exactly what I'm saying.

**Ginny:** I actually agree with you, Draco. Because they ran away, and it was probably Albus's idea.

_DRACO notices the couple staring at each other._

Aside from the fact that they're both miserable at school, have been for three years, and might not want to go through a fourth, why would they pick this year?

_There's a silence._

...Fucking talk already!?

**Harry:** ...So me and Albus might've had an argument the night before he got on the train...

**Draco:** What the fuck did you say.

**Harry:** I was trying to quote “Dear Theodosia” but he ran off before I could finish!

**Draco:** Wha — you live in the same house as him! You had all night and most of the next morning, you couldn't have forced him to listen to you!?

**Harry:** Fuck you in the face forever.

_There's another silence. A powerfully profound one. I'm assuming there isn't even music, which, what does the music even sound like? I love OSTs, I'm listening to the_ Night in the Woods _one right now, I'd love to hear what this one sounds like. It's coming out in like a month, right? I'll definitely be checking it out. And then DRACO takes a dangerous step towards HARRY._

**Draco:** You do not get to be angry right now, you piece of shit. I will eat your larynx.

_GINNY steps in between DRACO and HARRY. DRARRY SHIPPERS now have a new tag line._

**Ginny:** You're going to have to wait your turn, Draco, as his wife has dibs on his murder.

**Draco:** *roaring* No, I wanna kill him, though!

**Ginny:** *equally roaring* Well get the fuck in line!

_He meets her look. There is real emotion in this room. All previous emotion expressed in this play so far and henceforth has been and will be fake._

**Draco:** *curls lip, every inch his father; this play has a real obsession with that shit, I'd rather be watching _Boruto_ right now, they did that shit _well,_ or at least more tolerably* If you need gold...Everything the Malfoys have...He's my sole heir...He's my — only family. My parents are probably dead now — either that or they're still so stuck in their blood purity ways that I no longer consider them my family. Gah, I really feel like I should be more pleading and desperate than sneering and bitter with lines like this...

**Hermione:** I've alerted the Muggle Prime minister, I've set entire departments out on the case, and the implication is that I would do anything to get my nephew back. Fuck your gold and fuck your help, we neither need nor want your involvement.

**Draco:** Indubitably, I have deduced that you are a bitch.

_DRACO flips her off and makes to leave. He stops. He looks at HARRY._

How delighted are you that you think something's all your fault, Harry Potter, and this time you're absolutely right?

ACT ONE, SCENE EIGHTEEN  
MINISTRY OF MAGIC, CORRIDOR

**Harpius:** Is that the office we're looking for? Where exactly is _here?_

_A GUARD walks past. HARPIUS and HERMELPHI try to affect performances._

Seriously, do I call you Minister while we're on the clock or are we still on crazy familiar terms with each other?

**Guard:** *eyerolls* Oh for — _still_ with this!? What fucking pretense is there of class...

**Hermelphi:** I mean I'd _like_ the former but we both know it's gonna end up being the latter.

_He walks on, they let out a sigh of relief._

Obviously I thought of using Veritaserum on the last random Ministry official to visit St. Oswald's, but I'm gonna hide behind my uncle so you don't suspect anything. And — you know how, over forty years ago, a group of teenage boys were able to keep the secrets they wanted to keep even for over a decade, even after half of them were officially dead? Well fuck that, now every grunt working in the government knows every major secret, apparently. The equivalent of the nuclear launch codes are just lying around in the Minister's office and this is common. Fucking. Knowledge.

_She indicates a door. Suddenly they hear a noise._

**Hermione:** *offstage* I mean, Ginny seems to spend more time at home, maybe you could've asked her—

**Harry:** Yes, I get it, I'm the most ineffective parent out of the five of us, you don't have to rub it in.

**Hermelphi:** Oh shit.

**Rolbus:** Aunt Hermione. Emphasis on “Aunt” 'cause the script did not for some reason. Also Dad. This is bad.

_The panic is instant and infectious. They hope to Merlin that the GUARD wasn't going in the same direction as HARRY and HERMIONE and would instantly tip everyone off that something was wrong. Boy would it be a good if the stage directions actually directed characters._

**Harpius:** Here they come! There's nowhere to hide — Delphi, you're a fully-trained witch, do you know how to Dissillision?

**Hermelphi:** Conveniently not. Her office, maybe?

**Rolbus:** Oh you mean the one place she'll definitely want to get into?

**Hermelphi:** Hey, I didn't do the twelve-hour version of the potion 'cause I honestly didn't think we'd make it this far. We don't have time to leave and come back.

_She tries the door._

**Rolbus:** Would you like to say that maybe right now shit is of a locked persuasion?

**Hermelphi:** Boy would I.

_She tries it again. She does not bother using magic. Has she gone mad. Is she a witch or isn't she._

**Hermione:** *offstage* We're all really bad parents in our own way, I'm just trying to turn you in to a better one because I can see you becoming better the easiest, frankly.

**Harpius:** Stand aside! _Alohomora!_

_He aims his wand at the door. The door swings open. He frowns — disappointed._

Not good enough. You'd think the most important office in the Ministry would be better guarded. Stall her, Albus. I'm not given to exaggeration, but...the future of our continued survival depends on you.

**Harry:** *offstage* This is two of my boys I've lost track of now — how can you see me making an improvement?

**Rolbus:** Why in the ever-living _fuck_ did I pick to be Uncle Ron and not Dad...

**Hermelphi:** Welp. Your fuck-up. You take care of it.

**Hermione:** *offstage* Look, when we get your son back, just pin him down and tell him how you really feel, without any references. You don't need them.

**Rolbus:** The fuck am I even doing...

_There's a small kerfuffle and then ROBLUS ends up standing outside the door, HARPIUS and HERMELPHI on the other side even though that's never outright stated which made me a little confused and made me need to recheck the passage a few times to figure shit out, as HERMIONE and HARRY enter from off._

**Harry:** But references are my favorite tools, just look at all the unnecessary _Farscape_ quotes in this—

**Hermione:** Ron?

**Rolbus:** 'Ello, 'ello!

**Hermione:** What are you doing here?

**Rolbus:** You know that I just...love my family so much!

_He kisses HERMIONE firmly. I'm sure a new ship was just created if it hadn't existed already._

**Harry:** Hoookay, you two have fun with that—

**Hermione:** Hold up, Harry, I'm not in the least bit distracted so there's a chance this is in fact normal for Ron. The thing is, I don't think you _should_ blame yourself for Albus's behavior. The things we did when we were his age—

**Rolbus:** I don't know, I think Harry saying he felt no pride in m—in Albus whatsoever might've been a bit of a catalyst there.

**Hermione:** How do you even know about that, you weren't there for that discussion!

**Rolbus:** I just know everything.

**Hermione:** Then you'd know the next line is “There is so much more inside me now”!

**Rolbus:** Yeah. Like disgust and disappointment.

**Hermione:** I give up with you.

**Rolbus:** That's what you always say and yet you never do.

_ROLBUS watches her go, hopeful she'll walk past her office and away so he won't have to get super creepy. But of course he'll have to. He runs to block her, and presumably HARRY, before she (they?) enter(s) her door. He blocks HERMIONE once, and then blocks her again, swinging his hips to do so._

**Hermione:** ...What are you doing.

**Rolbus:** Nuthin'.

_She tries to push past him but he's like naw._

**Hermione:** Get the fuck out my way, Ron. I'm trying to avoid talking to anyone who gets in our way at the moment, so I ran back to my office where they would never find me. No one would ever find me at my own office.

**Rolbus:** Yeah that's great. Listen. Hugo may or may not be at Hogwarts by this point but considering the way he barely exists in the first place I'm still lonely at home. How 'bout we have another kid?

_HERMIONE tries to dodge roll past him._

**Hermione:** U wot m8?

**Rolbus:** Or you take a bloody holiday. Anything to spend time with you. For once.

_She tries to get into the room one final time, he blocks her with a kiss. It develops into quite a struggle. Struggle implying that at least one party does not wish to be involved in what is happening. And all of this is probably meant to be played up as funny. Um._

My point is that you should go away now for reasons.

**Hermione:** *relents...again with the word choice here, urgh...* If there is another stink pellet in there then Merlin won't help you. Fine. We're due to _work on finding our nephew_ anyway.

_She exits. HARRY, who has apparently been there for this whole exchange with not one stage direction indicating how awkward/embarrassed/amused/impatient/any or all of these he should be, exits with her._

_ROLBUS turns toward the door. She reenters, this time, alone._

Look, I get you want to spend time with me, but a baby and a holiday are two _very_ different things. You need to sort out your priorities, love.

**Rolbus:** I know, sorry, got a bit desperate there. Also remember to never discuss this with me ever again, yeah?

_She nods and exits again. He starts to open the door but again she reenters, he slams it closed._

**Hermione:** I can taste cabbage. Passing over the fact that I've taken Polyjuice before many times, ingredients for it are known to have been stolen, and you're acting extremely weird — I appreciate you trying to lose the gut but could you at least brush afterward? That was kind of vile.

**Rolbus:** You should try eating it firsthand.

_She exits. He checks she's gone and relief floods out of him as he vomits on the floor._

ACT ONE, SCENE NINETEEN  
MINISTRY OF MAGIC, HERMIONE'S OFFICE

_HARPIUS and HERMELPHI are waiting on the other side of HERMIONE's office door, in plain sight which on the one hand it's cool that they had faith in ROLBUS but on the other hand it's kind of a stupid fucking move should he have failed, as ROLBUS enters — he slumps, exhausted._

**Rolbus:** My first kiss wasted on my _fucking aunt._

**Hermelphi:** Hey, you did what needed to be done. You were a credit to your House.

**Harpius:** Pretended she was still Delphi in disguise, didya? Ah, poor baby, poor, poor Al-y.

**Rolbus:** Dine on a dong.

**Harpius:** Also you should know we overheard the _entire_ conversation. May I...describe it for you?

**Hermelphi:** THERE'S NO TIME!

**Rolbus:** *to Harpius* Ah, fuck...

**Hermelphi:** If Hermione Granger, smartest witch of forever, wouldn't do the _actual_ smart thing and find a way to destroy the biggest threat to everyone's lives since my father, what would she do with it if she were suddenly too stupid to function? She's not even hiding it in Gringotts, for Merlin's sake! I mean, I know she's probably not got the best relationship with goblins after what she helped to do, but is she really that arrogant about her own abilities? *looks around the room, sees the bookcases* Search the bookcases. If she were smart she wouldn't hide it in a place where everyone who knows of her would think to look, but we're not dealing with a smart Hermione, now are we.

_They start to search. HARPIUS looks at his friend, concerned._

**Harpius:** Why are you doing this to yourself? What is so important...that you are willing to go through all of this? _Was_ the argument with your dad the catalyst?

**Rolbus:** And if it was?

_HARPIUS tries to work out what to say._

**Harpius:** Sometimes I think my dad would like me more if Voldemort actually _was_ my father. He is _not,_ but that might not matter at this point.

**Rolbus:** At least you have the option of the possibility of having different parents, true or not. I imagine it makes pretending easier.

_HERMELPHI tries to pull HARPIUS toward the bookshelves._

**Hermelphi:** Look, little cousin, I appreciate you're trying to have some character growth, arguably the most fascinating thing in a work of fiction, but can we work in some 'splody, actiony bits for the folks who just want to see more wizard murder?

**Harpius:** No, I don't think so. I don't want the consequences of catastrophic failure resting on _my_ head. *talks to Rolbus again instead* You've got to focus. Fight this delusion that this is some sort of contest over which of our lives is worse. Our lives both suck in one way or another, and this'll really feed the shippers, but I think there's a reason we found each other, yeah? Realize that the situation has now changed! Our fates...are now well and truly linked. And even if what we're doing right now is just us acting out...

_Then he spots a book on the shelf that makes him frown._

Okay, what the hezmana are these _severely_ banned books doing in plain view in the Minister's office where anyone can read them.

**Rolbus:** Awright, awkward conversation averted!

**Harpius:** You can only run for so long, Albus!

**Rolbus:** *fingers in his ears* Just take a look, it's in a book, look over there please...

**Harpius:** Well then. I shall comply. And I somehow know the types of books that made it into the Restricted Section. Wow, I would've thought she'd've gotten rid of _Magick Moste Evile_ after DH... _Fifteenth-Century Fiends,_ I thought that was film-only, cool... _Sonnets of a Sorcerer_!? What, does she _want_ to only speak in limericks for the rest of her life!?

**Rolbus:** Wonder if any of these will be useful later. Think I'll just start listing titles: _This is the Book You're Looking For, The Nightshade Guide to Necromancy Which We've Proven that Raising the Dead is Unpossible So this Is Probably a Guide on How to Raise Inferi at Best..._

**Hermelphi:** That one still sounds super useful, if the Time-Turner thing doesn't actually pan out we could just steal all this shit.

**Rolbus:** What the fuck is an opal fire. And — why the fucking fuck would the woman who runs the government that probably still dictates that the Unforgivables are fucking illegal have a book called _The Imperius Curse and How to Abuse It_!? Especially when people can just go watch season one of _Jessica Jones_!?

**Harpius:** This is getting a little too obvious now. When the trap closes, it'll be too late. Albus, doesn't your aunt famously hate Divination?

**Rolbus:** Yeah, why?

**Harpius:** THEN WHY WOULD SHE INCLUDE A DIVINATION BOOK IN HER OFFICE EXCEPT AS AN OBVIOUS HIDING PLACE. Also I can't believe Trelawney wrote a book. On my signal...

_He pulls the book from the shelf. And it falls open. And speaks._

**Book:**  
Jack Thorne really likes GoF, it would seem  
The sphinx riddle often plays out in his dreams

**Harpius:** ...This time it's different. I never had to deal with the books that screamed from PS/SS, so this is a little weird for me.

**Book:**  
“A disease of the egg”!? That must cut like steel!  
Does Hermione just hate all men now? For real?  
But honestly, fuck it, enough with this ruse—

**Rolbus:** Okay, can we get to the actual riddle portion already, Merlin.

**Book:**  
What type of guards did Azkaban used to use?

**Hermelphi:** Dafuq just happened.

**Harpius:** I made the big oops. By opening a frelling book. You gotta stay away!

_The books reach out and grab ROLBUS. He only just eludes their grasp. If I could actually get the opportunity to_ see _this shit, as a play is different than a book in that is is mean to be_ seen, _**that would be lovely.**_

**Rolbus:** What now.

**Admiral Ackbar:** It's a trap!

**Hermelphi:** Sweet, we solve this baby game for babies and we get what we want. Let's go!

**Rolbus:** Okay, the first section is about Thorne focusing way too much on GoF instead of writing the new shit we were promised—

_The books try to swallow HERMELPHI because as the most well-trained and capable one in the room she obviously has to fail first because she has fallopian tubes._

**Harpius:** The second is a surprised critique of how the play's original riddle played out — I'm sorry guys but we must move faster!

**Hermelphi:** Working on it! The last part gave us the answer because fuck riddles — just find a book on dementors and have done with it. *gets pulled in by the bookshelf* I call out to the one I can most easily manipulate!

**Rolbus:** I can _feel_ us being manipulated! Yet I still answer to the one I obviously have a crush on and am half-doing this shit to impress!

**Harpius:** I thought as much. Now shut up and find a book on dementors.

**Rolbus:** How 'bout the Pottermore blurb on Azkaban, does that count?

_The Pamphlet flies open and swings dangerously at HARPIUS, even though ROLBUS was the one who opened it, so I imagine based on what was said, or am I imagining this wrong because it was written poorly. HARPIUS falls hard against the bookcase, which attempts to nom him._

**Pamphlet:**

_Oh lolli-lolli-lolli-_   
_Lollipop, lollipop,_   
_Oh lolli-lolli-lolli-_   
_Lollipop, lollipop,_   
_Oh lolli-lolli-lolli-_   
_Lollipop!_   
_Badum, bum, bum..._

**Rolbus:** Voldemort stole that melody during The Mysterious Ticking Noise, that's gotta be him.

_DELPHI plunges through the books, back as herself, which means I get to stop using these stupid nicknames soon._

**Delphi:** WOULD YOU SHITHEELS MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASSES ALREADY.

_She's pulled back in, screaming._

**Rolbus:** I'm coming, my love!

_He tries to grab her hand, but she's gone._

**Harpius:** Phrasing. And you're in no condition to stop me. Also did the potion wear off or does the bookcase cancel all magical methods of concealment like the waterfall at Gringotts?

**Rolbus:** WHO GIVES A FUCK, I WANT HER AND BOTH OF US TO LIVE! JUST FIND A BOOK ABOUT HIM, IT SHOULDN'T BE ALL THAT HARD!

_He finds a book._

...There's a straight-up book called _The Heir of Slytherin?_ I mean as far as anyone knows, that's him, that's his title, it's what he is...

_He pulls the book from the shelf, it pulls back, ROBLUS is consumed by the bookcase, now everything is separated by commas, pick one style of writing or write like a normal person, I can't keep doing this._

**Harpius:** No, no, don't! ALBUS NO DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!

_But ROLBUS is gone._

...Focus, Scorpius. Panic is unacceptable, you'll survive. You _must_ survive. You've come too far to die. *deep breath* Okay, if it's not the book that's directly about him...

_He scans the shelves._

Let's see, _Voldemort's Uncle and Partial Namesake,_ that could work.

_He pulls it open. Again it swings away, revealing a splintering light, and a deeper voice than previously heard. Which, I've been imagining Hermione's own voice this whole time, so..._

**Book:**  
The title you want has already been read.  
One of your classmates may well end up dead.  
It was the first one your friend spoke aloud.  
Now hurry your shit, for crying out loud.

_ALBUS emerges from the books. As himself again._

**Harpius:** Albus, are you still alive?

_He tries to grab him._

**Albus:** Of course, Aunt Hermione would want to know who's been stealing her SHIIIIIIIT!

_ALBUS is violently pulled back into the bookcase._

**Harpius:** Huh...maybe she should've had some kind of magical alarm system installed, like Umbridge did after Lee sent in that Niffler. Next time...be more decisive.

_The books pull him inside them; he's powerless. This is super spoopy._

_There's silence._

_Then BANG — a shower of books are released from the bookcase — and SCORPIUS reemerges. California Smashing the books aside._

**Scorpius:** I warn you, bookcase, if you attempt this, I will fight you, and I will win. The others weren't able to come back out because they didn't want it badly enough, I guess!

_He looks around, sunk but filled with determination._

This is completely fahrbot. Albus? You still alive? You like this? Are you having fun yet, Albus?

_Books try and grab him._

I don't have the script in front of me, I don't remember what Albus said. Hang on. That super obvious book. _This Is the Book You're Looking For._ That sounds about right...

_He climbs up the bookcase, which is 3spooky5me as it rises up at him. Grabbing at him with his every step._

_He pulls the book from the shelf. It comes out and the bullshit suddenly stops._

I've found it! I've...

_Suddenly there's a smashing and ALBUS and DELPHI fall out of the shelves and down to the floor._

I DIDDIT! We...did it.

**Albus:** ARE YOU OKAY!?

**Delphi:** So many papercuts...

_ALBUS notices the book SCORPIUS is holding to his chest._

**Albus:** Oh hey, it's that book I noticed earlier.

**Delphi:** ...Fucking open it?

_SCORPIUS opens the book. In the center of it — a spinning Time-Turner._

**Scorpius:** ...Kind of expected this to be the end of the first _half_ , if I'm honest. Shall we end this?

**Albus:** Nope, we need to shove in as much clichéd time travel shenaniganry as possible.

**Scorpius:** Every spoonful is regret. Time to pray.

_There's apparently whispers in the background now and it turns into a roar. And we cut to black._


	7. Act 2 Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger Warning For Emotional Abuse Because Tuney's In This Chapter And I Don't Like How Both Rowling And Thorne Try To Make Her Seem Like A Decent Person Underneath As If She Didn't Force Her Nephew To Sleep In A Cupboard For Ten Years So I Fixed It:** _Hamilton,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Spider-Man: Homecoming, Spamalot, Gravity Falls, Farscape, Kingdom Hearts,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling who Jack Thorne wants to be but just isn't.

ACT TWO, SCENE ONE  
DREAM, PRIVET DRIVE, CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS

**Aunt Petunia:** For some reason I'm addressing you by name instead of “Boy” or “Freak.” But who gives a shit about that, you still fucked up so you're going to fix it before you are allowed to get back to sleep, do you hear me? NOW, YOU INSIGNIFICANT PILE OF GARBAGE!

_YOUNG HARRY wakes to see AUNT PETUNIA bearing down on him._

**Young Harry:** The fuck time is it...

**Aunt Petunia:** It's at a time when I don't really care about the neighbors overhearing and gossiping about us, how 'bout that. Now, we were guilted into taking you in against our will — we never wanted you and we never will want you. We begrudgingly feed, clothe, and house you the minimal amount that a person needs to survive — the _least_ you could fucking do would be to clean up after us properly like a good little slave.

**Young Harry:** Dude I'm fucking like eight or something, I don't have the muscle strength to scrub as hard as you want me to, especially on the diet I'm on. The one that _you've_ provided for me.

**Aunt Petunia:** Always excuses with you. Now redo everything — I'm not letting you leave the kitchen until I'm satisfied.

**Young Harry:** You strike me as a woman who has never been satisfied...

_He gets out of bed. There's a wet smear down the back of his trousers._

**Aunt Petunia:** Oh for fuck's sake.

_She pulls back the covers._

See this? This is what you are. You are as disgusting and unwanted as these piss stains.

**Young Harry:** Didn't Dudley wet the bed last week?

**Aunt Petunia:** That's different! I actually give a shit about him! And don't ask questions, we've been through this!

**Young Harry:** But I was having a nightmare about my parents dying I think maybe!

**Aunt Petunia:** And why should I care? I'm glad you're sad. I'm glad your soul hurts.

**Young Harry:** One of them was your sister!

**Aunt Petunia:** And why should I care? I'm glad you're sad. I'm glad your soul hurts.

**Young Harry:** Because the nightmare didn't line up with what you've told me! There was a man shouting Abra Cadabra, for some reason there was a snake — I don't remember that shit, _Voldemort_ didn't remember that shit, I think this is just some made-up bullshit Thorne made up — and also Mum was screaming. That _did_ happen.

_AUNT PETUNIA takes a moment to figure out how to get herself out of this one._

**Aunt Petunia:** That wasn't a memory, that was a dream. Your drunken parents died in a car crash. That is the truth of the matter, and if you ever try to imply differently again you will never see the outside of this cupboard. And _fuck_ Thorne for implying that I felt a twinge of emotion for my sister — if I felt anything at all I _wouldn't be keeping her son locked up in a fucking cupboard._ Speaking of, now you get to add laundry to your task list. Get going if you ever want to sleep again.

_She exits with a bang._

_And YOUNG HARRY is left holding the icky-pooey sheets._

_And the stage contorts and trees rise as the dream twists into something else entirely._

_Suddenly, ALBUS appears and stands looking at YOUNG HARRY. We will later find out that there should be some kind of a descriptor here but I'm sure that didn't matter in the moment, certainly not if you want to publish the script for everyone to read and want them to visualize what you want to happen._

_And then, right from the back of the room, by room do you mean theater, I could see how being in the live audience could enhance the experience, sure would be nice if everyone could experience it, Parseltongue whispers around everyone, and now everyone's a Parselmouth I guess since we can all understand it._

_He's coming. He's coming. Phrasing. Phrasing. This looks either like more stage directions or like Tuney's still talking. This looks either like more stage directions or like Tuney's still talking._

_Words said in a possibly mistakable voice to Ralph Finnes. The voice of VOLDEMORT. Framed like it's STILL AUNT PETUNIA talking or like even more stage directions._

_Haaaaaarry Potttttttter...IIIII aaaaaaammm ssooooo creeeeeepyyyy..._

ACT TWO, SCENE TWO  
HARRY AND GINNY POTTER'S HOUSE, STAIRCASE

_HARRY wakes in the darkness, breathing deeply. His exhaustion palpable, this is a long play, his fear overwhelming._

**Harry:** _Lumos._

_GINNY enters, blinded by the light._

**Ginny:** MY RETINAS!

**Harry:** Sorry. Just woke up.

**Ginny:** YEAH I GOT THAT.

**Harry:** Did any news come in?

**Ginny:** It did not. Not even Ron being confused about whatever Hermione was talking about.

**Harry:** I had another Dursley nightmare flashback — an actual nightmare this time — I was almost relieved to have it end with Voldemort.

**Ginny:** Did you imagine your scar hurting again?

**Harry:** It's not a hundred percent clear. Also Albus was there. He was wearing red robes. Durmstrang robes. Something that probably should've been established when he showed up instead of having everyone do a double-take here.

**Ginny:** You sure it was Durmstrang and that he didn't pilfer a set of Gryffindor Quidditch robes?

**Harry:** No shut up it was Durmstrang, just trust me on this. *thinks* You know what, screw me being an investigator as part of my actual job description, because why do any kind of detective work when the answers can just be handed to you in your dreams. Which means...Ginny, I think I'm a fucking Seer now...

ACT TWO, SCENE THREE  
HOGWARTS, HEADMISTRESS'S OFFICE

_HARRY and GINNY stand in PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL'S office._

**Professor McGonagall:** But how do we even know it's the Forbidden Forest specifically?

**Harry:** What other area would Albus be familiar with that had trees in it!?

**Ginny:** This isn't how any of your dreams have worked in the past — I don't think Thorne quite knows how your visions ever worked. Like, this isn't even movie-weird.

**Professor McGonagall:** We're still acting on it though, I guess out of desperation. Now, we can throw in a Neville cameo, I know people'll be excited to see how he's doing these days—

_Suddenly there is a rumble in the chimney. PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL looks at it, concerned at the concept of how the Floo Network works I guess. Then HERMIONE tumbles out._

**Hermione:** Yo, Minerva, what's up. Is shit really raw right now?

**Professor McGonagall:** It's pretty raw, you guys. Also how'd you even know to come here.

**Ginny:** My son is missing. I forced the paper to print any and all information as soon as it comes out because _I_ am not ashamed of asking for help from every resource possible.

**Hermione:** Fuck you.

**Professor McGonagall:** That's actually a good idea, though I strongly advise making sure your sources are sound before printing anything—

**Ginny:** The _Prophet's_ not the Fox News of the books anymore, we know how journalism works.

**Professor McGonagall:** I'm just saying...

_RON bursts in. Covered in soot. I'm guessing. Since the stage directions don't specify. He's wearing a gravy-stained dinner napkin._

**Ron:** I FELL OUT OF THE WRONG FIREPLACE AND THE HOUSE-ELVES WOULDN'T LET ME LEAVE WITHOUT EATING SOMETHING FUCK YOU DON'T JUDGE ME.

**Hermione:** *judges him super hard as he pulls the napkin off himself* Why do we even keep you around.

**Ron:** Because of my boyish good looks and dashing charm.

_Suddenly there is another rumble in the chimney and DRACO comes down hard, surrounded by soot and dust._

_Everyone looks at him, surprised. He stands and brushes the soot off himself._

**Draco:** Why am I apologizing for a common problem with Floo Powder that can be taken care of super easily with magic.

**Professor McGonagall:** Common courtesy? Which, I'm surprised you even know what that is...

**Harry:** What're you even doing here? You were the one who pointed out the most logical holes in my scar/vision bullshit.

**Draco:** MY SON IS MISSING AND I AM DESPERATE.

**Ginny:** Welcome to the party. Now allow me to dictate where the next scene's gonna take place.

ACT TWO, SCENE FOUR  
EDGE OF THE DARK AND VERY EXPENSIVE FOREST

_ALBUS and DELPHI face each other, holding wands._

**Albus:** _Expelliarmus!_

_DELPHI's wand flies through the air._

**Delphi:** See? You don't suck at _everything,_ just most things!

_She takes her wand back from him._

*puzzled* You'd think Harry Expelliarmus-Is-The-Only-Spell-I-Know Potter would've made sure all four of his kids knew this spell even before they got to Hogwarts, no matter how long or frustrating a time it would take...

**Albus:** _Expelliarmus!_

_Her wand flies back again._

**Delphi:** Sure hope this doesn't mean my wand's no longer loyal to me!

_The two do the_ Spider-Man: Homecoming _dap._

**Albus:** Thanks to you, I now suck marginally less!

_SCORPIUS appears at the back of the stage. He looks at his friend talking to a girl — and part of him likes it and part of him doesn't. This is one of the biggest pieces of evidence indicating that SCORPIUS might have more than platonic feelings for ALBUS. Personally, I, an aromantic mostly-asexual, choose to interpret that SCORPIUS is happy that ALBUS has found a possible significant other that makes_ him _happy, since we all like seeing our_ friends _happy, but he's also not that thrilled because this means ALBUS's time will now be far more occupied with another person. This happens a lot in Maauder fics that depict how SIRIUS feels once JAMES starts dating LILY, regardless of whether or not SIRIUS himself is gay in that same fanfic. This matters even more to SCOPRIUS since, unlike SIRIUS, he doesn't have any other friends to fall back on — ALBUS is literally his only friend. Of course he'd be insanely jealous of anyone who ALBUS would also consider a friend. Obviously it_ could _point to SCORPIUS at least being bi-curious toward ALBUS — I'm just saying it doesn't_ have _to be._

**Delphi:** I sucked at everything, too — which might well be a complete lie I came up with to further gain your trust — and then I just got it. It happens. It might do for you, too. You might just wind up being the next Neville Longbottom, which is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. And which he probably could've used to encourage you. Especially as it's been established on Pottermore that he's your godfather — and we know from the Trolley Witch and _some_ later time travel bullshit that Thorne's checked that site for details — and therefore has a vested interest in making sure you're doing okay. _I wonder why he hasn't ever in the past few years._

**Albus:** Seeing as you've actually shown up onstage and taken the time to help me, would you mind continuing to do so—

**Delphi:** Well obviously! But you know that, me being in my early twenties and you being fourteen, it would not work out? Like, I have nothing against age gaps, as long as everyone's of age, but you're _way_ not of age yet and if I waited for you that would _actually_ be really creepy, you understand?

**Albus:** Oh of course! I don't mind being stuck in the friend zone if it means you still like me in some fashion! I'm still gonna pine for you, though, at least until I'm able to move on.

**Delphi:** Fine by me! We're a regular Wendy and Dipper over here!

**Scorpius:** You guys talking about Gravity Falls? I like that show, too! Tried to get a Dipper hat, but the owl couldn't find the manor. Got a refund, though! We had a deal, after all.

_SCORPIUS steps forward decisively._

I'm here, Albus. Report.

**Albus:** I finally learned how to do a pretty basic spell on command!

**Scorpius:** *over-enthusiastic, trying to fit in with the one person he never had trouble getting along with before* Yes, I'm impressed. Well done, Albus. In the meantime, I figured out a path from our current location through to the school! Let's hope it still looks like this twenty-six years ago before the giants, centaurs, and actomantulas came barreling through, am I right? Heh, delightful to be here, you two...wait, how'd we get _here_ so fast in the first place. From Yorkshire to London to some vague location in Scotland, especially, once again, with two kids who ostensibly can't use magic away from Hogwarts...Frell, did we even get here that fast at all, I'm having trouble keeping track of how much time has passed, ironically; I seem to have lost track of the plot. I _want_ to say it's been a day...

**Delphi:** If it's not mentioned, then it's not important in the long run.

**Scorpius:** I believe that to be false. I want to know the truth.

**Delphi:** Albus, shut him up by going over the plan again.

**Albus:** Righty-ho. Once again, for some reason we're not trying to prevent Voldemort coming back and thus ensuring that loads of people don't die — we just want this one random bloke that none of us have ever met to not die, fuck everyone else, they're not important and no one ever liked them and no one living now would ever miss them.

**Scorpius:** ...Albus, see reason. Your godbrother is an orphan. Your _father_ is an orphan. _Your_ godfather's wife is missing a parent, and he himself is in a way missing his own parents. Your father is missing _his_ godfather. _You_ are missing an _uncle._ And that's just what I can come up with off the top of my head of people that have a direct connection to you and ignoring all of _my_ boll yotz. _Why are we focusing so hard on some rando._

**Albus:** Stop coming up with more plausible uses of our time and help reestablish that the higher the point value, the greater chance the champion has of getting through the maze. Someone remind me what Cedric did in the first task, we only ever saw Dad's bit—

_DELPHI pits her hand in the air. ALBUS grins and points at her. Why are they role-playing a classroom setting, is this their fetish?_

'Sup?

**Delphi:** According to your uncle, he transfigured a nearby boulder into a dog but still got burnt a bit.

**Albus:** Cool. A quick Disarming Charm and he won't be able to distract a towering, fire-breathing dragon!

_SCORPIUS isn't enjoying the fact that DELPHI knew something he didn't._

**Scorpius:** Okay. I'm starting to get some serious reservations about this plan. You say he was injured anyway, even _with_ a distraction? What, do we want him to die _sooner_ now!? I thought the whole point was that his death would serve no purpose but his life might! This makes no sense, because I _thought_ about it!

**Delphi:** Easy with the melodrama, kid, Merlin. Albus has got another uncle that specializes in dragons, remember? He'll be on hand to stop the worst from happening!

**Scorpius:** Well at least you didn't try to infer that Hogwarts was a safe place, that's just growing into more and more of a lie as time passes. Still, my suggestion to you both...is to forget this folly. But...since I know you won't...have either of you considered what might happen if we can't get back to the future? Are you sure you don't want to test it first?

**Delphi:** THERE'S NO TIME!

**Scorpius:** Reality...provides opportunity. In that WE HAVE A FRELLING TIME MACHINE!

**Delphi:** No shut up, if we wait much longer we'll be caught and I'll be arrested for kidnapping probably, so you'll excuse me if I'm in a rush.

**Albus:** Shit, I didn't even think of that.

**Delphi:** Yeah, can't imagine why I'd be considered a danger to a couple of underage teenagers. Now strip.

_She pulls two large paper bags out of her ass. The boys pull robes from them._

**Albus:** I can somehow tell these are Durmstrang robes and not Gryffindor Quidditch robes.

**Delphi:** Okay, now you may scoff and punch me over this...

**Albus:** I'm gonna scoff. I may punch you.

**Delphi:** Once again, blaming every cunning plan I have on my uncle. Now, there are a hundreds if not a full thousand Hogwarts students milling about where you're going to end up, and absolutely everyone knows everyone, which is why Harry never knew who Susan was until his fifth year despite them taking Herbology together for all five of those years. On the other hand, there were, what, thirty Durmstrang students at most? There's no way _they_ all know each other!

**Albus:** ...You know, when you put it like that, this seems like shit. Wait, where're your robes? I-I don't want to watch you change or anything, I'm genuinely curious.

**Delphi:** Uh-huh, sure. And obviously I can't pretend to be a student! Girls stop growing far sooner than boys do — iheart hasn't grown since she was fourteen, except sideways. People in their early twenties are sometimes still offered bloody kids' menus at restaurants — again, iheart had just turned twenty-six when she was given options for kids _twelve and under._ And is obviously no longer sore about it. Boys, however, I believe can keep growing until they're as old as _nineteen._ It would make far less sense for me to pretend to be someone in their final year at a wizarding school rather than a couple of kids who are still very clearly growing! *grins* We're so smart. Hope after this people just talk about how smart we are.

_SCORPIUS looks at her and then at ALBUS._

**Scorpius:** ...Yeah she's not coming. I could never allow that.

**Delphi:** It's because I'm a woman, isn't it.

**Scorpius:** You misunderstand my objectives, Delphi. Look, I never wanted to do any of this in the first place, but since the decision has already been made poorly, I wish to assist however I can. So how 'bout you let the people with _half a frelling brain cell_ handle it, eh?

**Delphi:** But this is _my_ cousin we're talking about!

**Albus:** A cousin who died years before you were born and that you have no real reason to feel attached to aside from blood which this entire series should have proven is a bullshit excuse to automatically care about someone.

**Delphi:** Then why are _you_ doing this.

**Albus:** To piss off my father, I thought we'd gone through this.

**Delphi:** But you guys don't know how to use the Time-Turner, I'm the only one who knows how to use it and of course _men_ would never read the instructions—

**Scorpius:** Hey, did you know that stereotypes are often boll yotz? We are more resourceful than you realize. The knowledge exists...in here. *points to his brain*

_DELPHI has a sad. You can see it on her sad face._

**Delphi:** But this is _my_ family we're talking about. As much as I'd like to be the ultimate Slytherin and manipulate you into doing everything for me, I still want some measure of involvement!

**Albus:** Tough. We're going, and we're abandoning you here to fend for yourself when people come to look for us. Got it?

_DELPHI looks at them both and takes a deep breath. She nods to herself and rolls her eyes._

**Delphi:** Sure, fine, whatever, I'll just go along with what you want for absolutely no reason. Just keep in mind...You are about to fuck up the time-space continuum — possibly irrevocably. All of our planning is based on some very flimsy knowledge we can't be fully sure of since none of us know precisely what happened. I would not be surprised if _none_ of us were here if/when you get back.

_She smiles. She looks at ALBUS. She leans down and gently kisses him on both cheeks._

_She disappears into the Forest. Albus stares after her._

**Scorpius:** Why am I disappointed that she didn't kiss _me,_ I'm her — what, second cousin? That's too close for me. *looks at his friend* You look unusually smug. Why won't you just let her go? She's not yours.

**Albus:** I HAVE THE BIGGEST BONER RIGHT NOW!

ACT TWO, SCENE FIVE  
FORBIDDEN FOREST

_The Forest seems to grow bigger, thicker — and amongst the dark and very expensive forest, people searching, looking for the missing baby childrens. But slowly people melt away until HARRY is left alone._

_He hears something. He turns to his right. So...stage left? I still don't know how theater works._

**Harry:** Son? Not-my-son? Son!

_And then he hears the sound of hooves. For some reason, this startles HARRY. He looks for where the noise is coming from._

_Suddenly BANE steps into the light. He is a magnificent centaur. Once again, I require a visual, since all I'm picturing is one dude standing up shirtless and in horse pants while another dude bending over is transparently the back half. And/or Firenze from A Very Potter Sequel. Somehow I don't think that's what they're going for._

**Bane:** I suddenly have clout in the plot! *sees Harry* Oh. _You._

**Harry:** Bane. How's Firenze.

**Bane:** Iunno, the play certainly doesn't care. And I guess centaurs and humans age differently, 'cause you seem visibly older than I do. You're all grown up. I see you have gained things that come from growing up.

**Harry:** I don't know, that doesn't make sense.

**Bane:** Now that we've got the pleasantries out of the way, how's about getting the fuck off our property.

**Harry:** Look, I know this is tantamount to a bunch of white dudes just traipsing along Native American burial grounds—

**Bane:** You mean like everyone in America literally everywhere in America?

**Harry:** Eyyy. But yeah...stepping onto a reservation uninvited?

**Bane:** You're the one who made the parallel, not me.

**Harry:** Well in any case, I apologize. I'm just here to find two other runaway white boys and I'll be on my way. Least I _think_ my kid's white, who even knows these days, thought it would certainly explain a lot of his later entitlement...

**Bane:** I'm sure we have better ways of locating them than you do.

**Harry:** You're just saying that because I haven't bothered trying _homenum revelio_ at all ever.

_There's a pause. BANE looks down at HARRY imperiously._

**Bane:** ...Fine, I'll offer my extremely limited help, but only so you and your kind can get the fuck off our property.

**Harry:** Bitchin'.

**Bane:** I've seen your son, Harry Potter.

**Harry:** Awesome, where?

**Bane:** Seen him in the movements of the stars.

**Harry:** …

**Bane:** I can't tell you where he is. I can't tell you how you'll find him.

**Harry:** _Then you can't help me because that is the only information I care about._

**Bane:** There is a black cloud around your son, a dangerous black cloud.

**Harry:** So he's about to turn into a Heartless, got it.

**Bane:** Do not take this matter lightly. This black cloud may endanger us all. You'll find your son again, Harry Potter. But then you could lose him forever.

_He makes a sound like a horse's cry — that is incredibly species-ist on Thorne's part, how offensive — and then he makes hard away — leaving an eye-rolling HARRY behind. He begins to search again — now with even more fervor — still refusing to use_ homenum revelio.

**Harry:** Albus! If you have some kind of depression we might be able to get you help! There's a vague chance the Wizarding World has therapists now hopefully! Albus!

ACT TWO, SCENE SIX  
EDGE OF THE FORBIDDEN FOREST

_SCORPIUS and ALBUS round a corner to be faced with a gap in the dark and very expensive Forest..._

_A gap through which is visible...a glorious light...so glorious I'm getting eye strain just picturing it..._

**Scorpius:** Oh look, Hogwarts. I have traveled a long way just to see you again!

**Albus:** We should sneak into the Forest more often, it looks amazing.

**Scorpius:** Did you feel that? That was the first positive thing I've heard you say about this frelling castle.

_And revealed through the trees is HOGWARTS — capitalized like it's a fucking character — a splendid mass of bulbous buildings and towers._

I wanted to go so frelling badly when I was a kid. Dad didn't enjoy his time all that much but the way he talked about the castle itself — it just sounded, Iunno, magical, as cliché as that shit is...And the closer I got to being able to go the more I thought I'd die or it'd explode or something — the whole “I've only got three more days 'till retirement” thing, you know? So I believed.

**Albus:** Sorry you waited for nothing.

**Scorpius:** *facepalms* Your capacity for self-delusionment...astounds even me!

_ALBUS looks at his friend, shocked._

I didn't think I'd have _any_ friends at school, do you understand? And then you show up. You said more kind words to me on the day we met than anyone besides my parents had in my entire life. That makes you, to my knowledge...unique in the galaxy. And unique...is always valuable. I. Have. Fun. At Hogwarts. Because. Of. _You._

**Albus:** I'm not all that great, though.

**Scorpius:** You've just proven my point, you weren't even listening to me.

**Albus:** Well I try not to most times. *silence* ...Dude?

**Scorpius:** ...I was just musing. If you miss your intended target, you change the future...or the past...create a world devoid of your father...and yourself. Would you like that, Albus?

_ALBUS looks at SCORPIUS and smiles._

**Albus:** Not at all. I just want one guy to live and see what happens from there, and not have it been the usual situation where everything I do just makes things worse.

**Scorpius:** Well then, do better. And buckle up.

_We hear RON's voice from off — he's clearly in close proximity._

**Ron:** Albus? Look, about that date rape drug I mistakenly sent you—

_ALBUS turns toward it, annoyed._

**Albus:** I do _not_ want to have this conversation. Let's just go now.

_ALBUS takes the Time-Turner from SCORPIUS — he somehow knows how to work it — he just presses down upon it once and the Time-Turner automatically knows what to do from there, sure, why not._

_And as the Time-Turner vibrates — ha — the stage starts to transform. The two boys look at something the vast majority of Potter fans will never be able to see._

_And there is a giant whoosh of light. A smash of noise. So — I'm picturing a basic smashing sound effect, like a wooden crate breaking. That is what the language is conjuring for me here._

_And time stops. I guess that means shit on stage has frozen. Then the purple prose gets a bit out of control..._

_And then shit gets weird._


	8. Act 2 Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Hey Is It Clear That I'm Not The Biggest Dumbles Fan 'Cause I'm Not The Biggest Dumbles Fan:** _Greatest Showman, Doctor Who, Farscape, Archer,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Spamalot,_ anything created by LittleKuriboh, _Finding Nemo, The Producers, Hamilton,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling who wrote _Goblet of Fire_ which I had open in front of me the entire time I was writing this parody because getting annoyingly minute details right matters to fanfic writers which makes me wonder why Jack Thorne never bothered to do the same.

ACT TWO, SCENE SEVEN  
TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT, EDGE OF THE FORBIDDEN FOREST, 1994

_Suddenly everything is a riot of noise as a crowd consumes ALBUS and SCORPIUS._

_And suddenly the “greatest showman on Earth” (his words, not...not...who gives a fucking shit, why even bother with this aside, I do not understand, also that movie was only good for the musical numbers anyway) is onstage using_ sonorus _to amplify his voice, and...we...he's involved in something related to the Harry Potter mythos; despite everything, who_ wouldn't _be excited, I totally get that._

**Ludo Bagman:** Ladies and gentlemen — boys and girls — variations thereupon — it may or may not make sense that these particular bits of commentary were left out of the fourth book since they were all told from Harry's POV and he was panicked as shit at the time — but still one might think he would have heard me announce the beginning of the one — and the only TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT!

_There's a loud cheer._

If you're from Hogwarts, give me a cheer.

_There's a loud cheer._

If you're from Durmstrang, give me a cheer.

_There's a somehow equally loud cheer even though Durmstrang only brought on a couple dozen students whereas Hogwarts has close to a thousand dudes._

AND IF YOU'RE FROM BEAUXBATONS, GIVE ME A CHEER.

_There's a more realistically quieter cheer from a group as big as Durmstrang, I don't get what all the fuss is about._

IT'S FUN FOR THE BRITISH TO SHIT ON THE FRENCH.

**Scorpius:** *eyes wide* Holy dren it worked. That's Ludo Bagman, another guy who was never seen again after the end of GoF, until now! During GoF! Wonder if the goblins ever caught up with him in the future...But obviously he betrayed their contract, yes.

**Ludo Bagman:** Wait, no, never mind, this is implying that we introduced all these shitlords all at once when in reality they came out one at a time and hid in a tent until it was their turn. Eh, fuck it, cheer for Viktor Krum now, I guess.

**Scorpius and Albus:** *really getting into playing Durmstrang students now with zero preparation whatsoever* WHY! ARE! WE CHEERING IN ENGLISH! WHY! ARE! WE CHEERING IN ENGLISH!

**Ludo Bagman:** And — who next — this isn't even the order they're competing in, what are we even doing — zut alors, it's Fleur Delacour! Get it, it maybe rhymes kind of!

_There's some polite applause...I feel there should be more male cheering going on. Yes I'm generalizing, so did the entire series constantly, fuck you._

**Scorpius:** Who's that?

**Albus:** My aunt?

**Scorpius:** I don't understand. You only have the one aunt, and that's Hermione.

**Albus:** Fuck this play.

**Ludo Bagman:** ...I'm not calling a seventeen-year-old sixth-year Delicious. Fuck these shit middle name descriptors, I didn't do it for Fleur, I shouldn't do it for anyone else. So yeah — The only one important to this play for some reason, who knows whether or not the other two real champions might become spares instead and therefore possibly erasing _other_ Weasley kids from existence in some alternate universe I probably still won't be around for, it's Cedric Diggory!

_The crowd_ goes _wild, the crowd_ is _a singular fucking identity, I get that the US spells shit differently because we're just contrarian or whatever the fuck but this shit legit makes no sense, I SPENT FOUR YEARS AND WILL BE SPENDING TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON MY ENGLISH DEGREE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE YOU WILL NEVER CONVINCE ME THIS IS A GOOD RULE TO HAVE._

Also there's this guy.

**Albus:** ...Shit, I really _do_ physically take after him apart from the gwasses...

**Ludo Bagman:** Yep, some douchebag no one's ever heard of ever, it's Harry Potter.

_There's cheering. Particularly from a nervous-looking girl at the edge of the crowd — this is YOUNG HERMIONE (played by the same actress as plays ROSE). YOUNG RON, obviously, is nowhere to be seen, even though he and HERMIONE were still on speaking terms at this point and both of them met up with Harry after the task so there's no real reason why they shouldn't be sitting together. Like, does no one want to write for RON? Is that why he is always excluded from everything and completely sandbagged in the movies? Oh and the cheering for HARRY is quieter than CEDRIC's was. You'd think ALBUS'd notice this shit. Fuck, I know there were cheers in the book as well since everyone got back on HARRY's side as soon as they knew he had to face a fucking dragon, but I really think it'd be better for ALBUS's character development and his relationship with his father — you know, the entire crux of this play — if he'd heard booing. That would have been a change I could get behind because it actually furthers something. Alas. Earwax._

Okay, now everyone shut the fuck up, we got dragons up in this bitch. And the only one guarding all four of 'em — CHARLIE WEASLEY AND NO ONE ELSE THIS IS SUPER SAFE HOGWARTS IS SUPER SAFE.

**Scorpius:** Understaffed or mismanaged?

**Albus:** Shrug.

_There are more cheers as the bloodthirsty crowd gets super hyped for the deaths of their classmates. Humans are fucked up, man._

**Young Hermione:** Hello, welcome to my personal space, how can I help you?

**Scorpius:** Rose. Darling. Uncontested.

**Young Hermione:** The fuck what.

**Albus:** *with a bad accent of some kind* PREASE TO FORGET ZAT VE KNOW YOUR NA-MAY, HERM-EYE-WON JEEEEN GRANG-YER.

**Young Hermione:** ...No?

**Ludo Bagman:** At least we got the fucking dragon right — here's Diggory fighting a Swedish Short Snout for her eggs. What a good idea this was.

_A dragon roar distracts YOUNG HERMIONE and ALBUS readies his wand. Phrasing, BOOM!_

And Cedric Diggory has entered the stage. Not this stage, though — you have to admit that this dragon shit would be pretty difficult for a live play, this isn't the fucking Lion King here. And I'm supposed to be pretty vague on what's happening so as to make the other three champions who can't see shit freak out more — also I can apparently hear the girls in the audience screaming “Don't damage our Diggory, Mr. Dragon.” First off, he's not your fucking property, and second, fun fact, all these dragons are female. I should know this, having helped set shit up. It's mean to heighten the whole “mothers would die for their young” thing this series has always tried to push, though admittedly that's always been truer in the wild than in humans anyway, so...

_SCORPIUS looks concerned._

**Scorpius:** Malfunction? How interesting. How very interesting.

_A ticking begins, an incessant, dangerous ticking. It's coming from the Time-Turner. Fucking...wow. Only SCORPIUS and the AUDIENCE notice this though._

**Ludo Bagman:** And Cedric whips out his wand — not meant as a euphemism, folks — see I got to the dick joke before you so now I'm safe — and boy can I not stop talking about how handsome he is. I know he's of age now but I'm fairly sure he doesn't swing that way, so me continuing this behavior is a little worrying—

**Albus:** *extends his wand — also not meant as a euphemism* _Expelliarmus!_

_CEDRIC's wand is summoned to ALBUS's hand._

**Ludo Bagman:** —THAT WAS DELIBERATE. THAT WAS A DISARMING CHARM. DID _ANYBODY_ SEE WHERE HIS WAND WENT, THIS SHIT JUST GOT SERIOUS, CEDRIC COULD DIE HERE.

**Scorpius:** Albus...we can wait no longer.

_The Time-Turner's ticking gets louder still._

**Ludo Bagman:** Yeah no, guys, could we get the dragon tamers in here please — also we're gonna have to launch an inquiry, probably, this was _deliberate_ sabotage — I mean I know I bet on Harry to win but I don't want the other kids to fucking _die_ just to make it so—

_SCORPIUS grabs ALBUS._

_There's a crescendo in the ticking, and a flash._

_And we're back to the future, with ALBUS hollering in pain._

**Scorpius:** Albus, please tell me you didn't bring Cedric's wand back with you, that would _really_ be reality-altering...Dude, you okay? Is Cedric not joining us?

**Albus:** No...You don't look too good....

**Scorpius:** Neither do you, Albus! Try not to move so much.

**Albus:** Dafuq happened?

**Scorpius:** We'll find out. Though to start with, we certainly didn't suddenly age twenty-six years. But I'm not complaining, even though that's not how time travel works — we're back and that's what matters. The plot doesn't thicken, but it's congealing at least.

**Albus:** Welp, our parents still had us, looks like, and we're still both boys and look the same and are the same age, there's always a chance that a different sperm could've fertilized a different or even the same egg, no one ever takes that into account, so I wonder if any other changes would've taken effect...

_Suddenly the stage is invaded from all sides by HARRY, RON (who now has a side parting in his hair and whose wardrobe choices have become rather more...staid? The shit? Imma have to look that up...oh, severe, m'kay, I learned a new word I guess...), GINNY, and DRACO. SCORPIUS looks at them all — and slips the Time-Turner into his pocket. The youngest Seeker in a century and the woman who once said that the Hogwarts Snitch wasn't very fast don't notice a tiny, shiny object suddenly vanish. ALBUS looks at them rather blankly — he's in a lot of pain._

**Ron:** I...did it.

**Scorpius:** Dad, everyone, I do apologize, but — this will not happen again.

**Albus:** Hey, Dad. U mad, bro?

_HARRY looks at his son disbelievingly._

**Harry:** ...KINDA!?

_ALBUS collapses onto the floor. If there was any suspension of disbelief that they were actually scattered and lost in a dark and very expensive forest, it has now vanished by calling the surface ALBUS collapsed on the fucking_ floor. _HARRY and GINNY rush to help._

ACT TWO, SCENE EIGHT  
HOGWARTS, HOSPITAL WING

_ALBUS is asleep in a hospital bed. HARRY sits troubled beside him. GINNY is off fucking herself for all anyone cares, I guess. Above them is a picture — a portrait if you will — of a concerned kindly man. Not an old one, though, why would this particular portrait look old? HARRY rubs his eyes — stands — and walks around the room. He stretches out his back._

_And then he meets eyes with the painting. They scream in unison for a while in surprise and alarm._

**Harry:** *once he's calmed down* Oh hey man.

**Dumbledore:** Hey.

**Harry:** Haven't seen you in a while. Whenever I've dropped in on the headmistress lately, your frame's been empty.

**Dumbledore:** Yes, it's almost like I've been deliberately avoiding you. *looks at Albus* He dead?

**Harry:** Nah. He's been out for twenty-four hours, since that's how long it takes Madam Pomfrey to fix an arm now. And I guess Hannah didn't get the nursing gig here after all, which is a shame — that's _two_ Longbottoms we could've alluded to and then refused to show on stage. But Pomfrey was pretty confuzzled, though. It was almost as if Al's arm had been broken more than twenty years ago and had been set in the “most contrary” of directions. And as Hermione's not Minister, there's no way we would've placed the newest Time-Turner in such a ridiculous location, so we'll never truly figure out what happened to him.

**Dumbledore:** ...That is _not_ how Time-Travel works!

**Harry:** Well how else would you explain it

**Dumbledore:** Obviously this play has its head up its own anus.

**Albus and Scorpius:** Well that answers pretty much every question we had.

**Dumbledore:** So how does it feel to watch someone you love unconscious and wracked with pain?

_HARRY looks incredulously up at DUMBLEDORE, then down at ALBUS._

**Harry:** You ask some fucked-up shit sometimes, man. Heh, I never thought to ask you — DO YOU THINK I SHOULD NAME MY CHILD AFTER THE MOST POWERFUL WIZARD ANYONE CAN REMEMBER!?

**Dumbledore:** I DO NOT. I THINK THAT'S PUTTING WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON A CHILD BEFORE IT CAN EVEN FUCKING CRAWL. I ALREADY DID THAT WITH YOU, I COULD'VE TOLD YOU HOW POORLY THAT SHIT GOES DOWN.

**Harry:** So I have a question about Divination—

**Dumbledore:** Merlin's cat litter please no.

**Harry:** No no, hear me out. It was Bane, not Trelawney. I now evidently trust centaurs more than I do human “Seers.”

**Dumbledore:** You know what I should've done here? Reminded you of the conversation we had in HBP. Remember, the one where I said not to set too much store by prophecies? That our choices determined outcomes, and that the only reason your prophecy applied to you was because Voldemort believed in it, causing it to become self-fulfilling? If you choose to ignore Bane's, er, warning, then probably nothing will happen. If you choose to become a complete fucking psycho, on the other hand...

**Harry:** Brah. This is an alternate timeline. There's a chance we never even had that conversation.

**Dumbledore:** This is true. Which is why, if that's the case, we should be having it now.

**Harry:** Shut up and tell me how to help my son.

**Dumbledore:** There, there.

**Harry:** Where, where?

**Dumbledore:** It's all right! It'll be okay!

**Harry:** No. No, it won't.

**Dumbledore:** Sure it will, you'll see!

**Harry:** No. I promised him I'd never let anything happen to him.

**Dumbledore:** ...Huh. That's a funny thing to promise.

**Harry:** What?

**Dumbledore:** Well, you can't never let _anything_ happen to him. Then nothing would _ever_ happen to him.

**Harry:** So just sit back and let him be horribly mutilated like he just was and not do anything? Is that what you're saying?

**Dumbledore:** No. You're supposed to teach him how to meet life.

**Harry:** Motherf—YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE SAYING THAT TO ME, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF DOGSHIT.

**Dumbledore:** Okay. You know how you didn't really like being seen as a clone of your father after a while? Especially when Severus did it? Well did you ever consider that maybe your son would like to be treated like his own person as well?

_HARRY frowns as he tries to digest this._

*sensitively* So a headmaster's portrait is unique in that we can visit our other frames, right? Well a _lot_ of dudes have hung me up in a _lot_ of places. Thus, I hear a _lot_ of shit.

**Harry:** About me and Al, you mean?

**Dumbledore:** YYYYYEP! They say he's a piece of crap and that you're dealing with it poorly! You know, like most parent-teenager relationships!

**Harry:** So what do you propose I do?

**Dumbledore:** Have you tried talking to him without talking about yourself, or are you still stuck at the same stage of development as he is? If you sit, listen, don't say anything, and actually bother to take what he has to say into consideration, you'll probably figure out and solve a great deal of what's ailing him no problem.

**Harry:** I prefer to jump to conclusions and not listen to the the person with the problem about said problem, thanks.

**Albus:** *in his sleep* The sea monkey has my money...

**Harry:** This black cloud, it's someone, isn't it? Not something?

**Dumbledore:** ...Way to see corruption everywhere except within. So. How are you gonna do this?

**Harry:** Poorly.

**Dumbledore:** Figures. But why are you asking my advice anyway, I never had any biological children. I was gay, why would I shag a woman?

**Harry:** One, surrogate mother, two, fuck all that biological shit, you helped raise _thousands_ of children — you got to see them growing up, three, I am still clearly a scared little boy in desperate need of a parental figure _and I am coming to you for that so fucking help me._

**Albus:** Dad?

_HARRY looks at ALBUS and then back at DUMBLEDORE. But DUMBLEDORE has fucked off._

**Harry:** Man, fuck that guy.

**Albus:** Is this the hospital wing? As a constant victim of bullying I may or may not be as intimately aware of this place as you were.

_HARRY turns his attention back to ALBUS._

**Harry:** *discombobulated — man Thorne likes that word* Yeah, we're in the hospital wing. You've been out for twenty-four hours, so obviously Madam Pomfrey thought the best thing to shove into your empty face would be a fuckton of chocolate. Mind if I have some, 'cause no one's gonna like this next part and I need some fake endorphins.

_ALBUS looks at his dad, what the fuck's he on about now? He decides to roll with it._

**Albus:** Sure I guess?

_HARRY takes some chocolate, he eats big chunks for big boys. ALBUS looks at his dad, freaked out._

ARE YOU OKAY?

**Harry:** Not really but this helps me fake it.

_He holds out the chocolate to his son. ALBUS takes a piece. Father and son nom together._

ARE _YOU_ OKAY?

_ALBUS flexes his arm._

**Albus:** Seems that way.

**Harry:** *softly* The fuck were you two doing? We were flipping our shit. Your mum was worried sick, which is why she's not here right now.

_ALBUS looks up, he is a great liar now I guess._

**Albus:** In case you haven't noticed, we are fucking miserable in the wizarding world. I knew I couldn't talk to you about it, you love this underground society — Scorpius couldn't talk to his dad for his own reasons, Draco still might cling to to some of that “bring shame to the Malfoy name” I think — but we wanted out. So we thought we'd try the Muggle world — even though we know nothing about it, it had to be better than where we're trapped now. Aaaaand the culture shock got to us so we came back, and then you found us. *beat* See what I'm doing is not telling the truth but if I say it in a convincing manner, then we're all good.

**Harry:** Fair enough. So why were the two of you in Durmstrang robes.

**Albus:** ...Yeah I got nothing for that one.

**Harry:** Then aren't you lucky that I'm never gonna press you on that point.

**Albus:** I sure am!

**Harry:** ...But _why_ tho? I'm just trying to figure out if it was my fault.

**Albus:** Well, in a way, I guess so. Like I said, you love Hogwarts _so_ much, there was no way I could feel comfortable telling you that I didn't want to go back without sounding like I was an overreacting, whiny teenager who just needed to get over himself. Which, well, that might be partially true, but I still think it would be better for my mental health if I was educated somewhere with a support system beyond Scorpius.

**Harry:** Speaking of Scorpius — was any of this his idea?

**Albus:** _Noooo,_ Scorpius actually manages to look on the bright side of this dump. No, this was all my idea, and I'm ashamed to say that I used the fact that I'm his only friend to basically force him to go along with me. *snorts* Maybe _I_ should've been the one to've been named after James and/or Sirius. Then again, I'm not even sure if I have siblings anymore, so I'm slightly surprised that I still have the same name — though of course the big revelaiton coming up doesn't work if I have a different name.

_HARRY looks at ALBUS, trying to see almost an aura around him, thinking deeply._

**Harry:** I need you to ditch your only friend and magically gain new ones.

**Albus:** ...Fuck you.

**Harry:** I'm serious — don't you dare make that pun, I have no patience right now — I don't know how you became friends in the first place—

**Albus:** We met on the train and shared candy. _Sound familiar?_

**Harry:** You made the bad choice.

**Albus:** Fucking _how!?_ If you actually believe he's Voldemort's son — which is patently ridiculous, by the way — you are being just like Snape right now if you think each child is a clone of their parent!

**Harry:** Fun fact — I don't particularly care. Bane said—

**Albus:** Who the _fuck_ is Bane!?

**Harry:** A centaur with profound Divination skills and someone who wanted to leave me alone to get killed by Voldemort in my first year. I think I would've preferred hearing from Ronan, looking back...Anyway, Bane said that there's a black cloud around you—

**Albus:** Probably because I have some kind of depression, you dumb fuck!

**Harry:** —and I know for a fact that Dark forces are on the move again, and you need to stay safe. Not my other childrens if I have any, not my orphaned godson if he even is still an orphan in this reality or if he exists at all — just you, because you associate yourself with someone like Scorpius.

_ALBUS hesitates a moment, and then his face strengthens._

**Albus:** Have you ever considered the possibility that I like men? That I like Scorpius?

**Harry:** Were that the case, I would tell you not to be like your second namesake and find a way to healthily move on to another bloke — not everyone's first crush has to be their last, and just because that's how it worked out for your mother doesn't mean it always works that way in real life.

**Albus:** And if I don't listen to you? If I keep being his friend at least, no matter what, because go fuck yourself?

**Harry:** *frustrated* Fucking stop being so young!

**Albus:** No.

_HARRY looks at his son, thinking quickly._

**Harry:** How have you lived this long and I haven't told you about the Marauder's Map yet. Which, James should've stolen it years ago but different timeline, different rules I guess. What was once used by me to creepily stalk your mother will now be used by the Headmistress of Hogwarts to creepily stalk one of her fourteen-year-old students. Any time the two of you are within ten feet of each other, or try to escape again, Professor McGonagall will immediately be there to separate and/or stop you, because she is my slave now. You will still go to class — I will force the staff to make it so you don't share any of them with the Slytherins anymore, and the rest of the time, you will stay in the Gryffindor common room!

**Albus:** Oh yeah, forcing a Slytherin to stay in another House's common room, that'll go over _real_ well in a time when the prejudice against that house has never gone down—

**Harry:** I think I might have Pomfrey keep you here a little longer to have your head checked. If Professor McGonagall finds you near Scorpius in any way that doesn't involve you having to sit in the same Great Hall for meals, I will fix you with a spell which will allow me eyes and ears into your every movement, your every conversation. Which, if such a spell existed, you'd think it would've been used to make the war(s) end faster, on either side, and would also probably be considered Dark magic because listen to the description I just gave. But who cares, whatever scare tactics make you fall in line. Also I need to figure out why the _fuck_ Draco never employed and then publicized any kind of paternity test.

**Albus:** *starting to cry* You realize this is just going to push me away from you _more,_ right? 'Cause if we didn't get along before, I never outright hated you — now I fucking _despise_ you.

**Harry:** And yet I find myself not caring. I don't actually need you to love me or even like me; I need you to heed my warning, for I am your dad and am therefore the smartest person that will ever talk down to you, because I created you with my bodily fluids.


	9. Act 2 Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **And Welcome To My Least Favorite Section Of The Whole Play That Literally Made Me Shake With Rage While I Was Attempting To Parody It For A Fucking Multitude Of Reasons But Mainly The Hermione Section:** Super Best Friends Play, _Farscape, Rick and Morty, Hamilton, One Piece, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling who admittedly doesn't have the best track record when it comes to handling race, representation, or romantic relationships, but, I mean... _fuck._

ACT TWO, SCENE NINE  
HOGWARTS, STAIRCASE

_ALBUS pursues HARRY across the stage. See, I pictured ALBUS in pajamas since he was in hospital for over twenty-four hours, but now it's implied he's in robes again? Do costume changes happen that fast, or have I predictably visualized this incorrectly_ since I can't see shit and these descriptions are horrible?

**Albus:** I'm gonna just run away again. This is having the opposite effect of what you wanted.

**Harry:** That thing about obeying my every order without question? That kind of applies here. Go back to bed.

**Albus:** Hey. I'm generalizing here based on my own fear or lack thereof of the consequences I might face, but do you know what a lot of people who are stuck in an _abusive environment_ might attempt to do if they get the chance? _Run the fuck away_ , and magic provides _plenty_ of chances.

**Harry:** If you were really intent on running away, you wouldn't be telling me your plans.

**Albus:** Fuck! I hate this!

**Harry:** Just caaaaalm down.

**Albus:** No!

**Harry:** Okay, don't.

**Albus:** I'm trying to prevent you from making the stupidest decision you've ever made in your life!

**Ron:** What's all this, then?

_RON enters on a staircase, with mostly the same description as before only with shorter robes. Which probably means a shorter jacket._

**Albus:** Oh hey, Uncle Ron. Thank **MERLIN.** Come to have a good laugh, have you?

**Ron:** What? Laugh? I don't know what that is.

**Albus:** ...But you're the funny one. Not necessarily the comic relief — you're the one who reminds us that things aren't always dark by making us smile. Which I guess is technically the definition of comic relief, huh, well I didn't mean it as the bad thing that most seem to qualify it as, at least...

**Ron:** *now extremely confused* Not sure I know what that is either. Anyway, I was going to bring you some get-well sweets, but obviously Padma informed me that this might bring joy into someone's life and immediately sent me back for some wizarding office supplies. Want some quills?

**Albus:** ...The bastardy hell's Padma?

_HARRY frowns at ALBUS._

**Harry:** She's been your aunt since you were born.

**Albus:** ... _Aunt_ Padma?

**Ron:** *to Harry* Sure he shouldn't spend more time in the hospital wing? *to Albus* She's my wife? No concept of personal space, smells like mint constantly? *leans in* At least tell me you remember your cousin Panju. *to Harry* Which is why I'm at Hogwarts. Apparently if you get into trouble at Hogwarts these days your parents can just show up when the fuck ever. I wanted to just yell at him through a Howler but you know how Padma gets whenever I speak up. At all. Ever.

**Albus:** But...Panju isn't an Indian first name. A Buzzfeed article says it's a small island in Vasai but I couldn't find it on Google maps. Did Thorne just make up some syllables, smash them together to sound vaguely ethnic, and went with it? 'Cause that's — I'll argue about me and Scorpius's sexualities since you can actually make arguments about that, but — no, this is fucking racist. Just fucking Google “top Indian boy names” and pick one that works with Weasley! _Or_ Patil! That can't have been that difficult! It'd take like thirty seconds of extra research! This is like with Cho Chang all over again, Cho isn't a Chinese given name either! I don't think, I admit complete ignorance on this subject, it's something I heard online once and if it's on the internet it must be true.

**Ron:** To be fair, the books never specified her ethnicity, only that she was vaguely Asian, and that was really only based on her name. Because, you know, that's way better.

**Albus:** ...I am so fucking disgusted right now. Also shouldn't you be married to Hermione?

_Beat. RON doesn't understand this at all._

**Ron:** Wh-Why would I be m-married to Hermione? It's not l-like I _like_ her or anything, b-b-b-baka!

**Harry:** I really should make him go back to the hospital and get him checked out a little more thoroughly than not at all. D'you know I had to remind him he was a Gryffindor?

**Ron:** Bugger, that _is_ worrying.

**Albus:** ...Maybe a refresher on how that happened might fill the, er, gaps in my memory?

**Ron:** Seems as though you're much closer to your cousins in this universe, possibly closer than your siblings. It wasn't James who scared you out of Slytherin, it was Panju — you argued with the Sorting Hat just to fuck with him. And now it's implied that I don't really like my son all that much, and that I'm terrified of what my wife might do to me if I say or do a single thing she doesn't like.

**Albus:** Okay, no. No to all of that. _This_ is how you do _not_ write a female character, on-stage or not. Women are not just some harpies who force their partners into submission to suit their own needs, and if they are that's called _being emotionally abusive._ I can see you getting together with Padma if that's just how things turned out, whatever, but this? You are unrecognizable as the fun-loving person you used to be, and Dad should've seen it and helped you get out of it before it was too late. Merlin's ASMR videos, what is it with this series and its glorification of unhealthy relationships!?

_RON and HARRY stare at ALBUS._

**Ron:** ...I'm just going to leave before I anger my wife any further, excuse me...

_He stumbles on, not even an inch of the man he was. Because this is what women do to men once you're married. Is the implication Thorne is giving us._

**Albus:** I think I might actually throw up.

**Harry:** I am now convinced that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and that this is just some elaborate scheme to get me out of making the best and smartest decision I've come up with yet. It's not gonna work, you know. I don't know if you know this but when you're a child you're an idiot. Unlike me with the big smarts.

**Albus:** Dad, you have to listen to me—

**Harry:** I don't have to do anything of the kind. It's _you_ who has to listen to _me._ That is how parenting works. Apparently. Frankly, I wouldn't know.

**Scorpius:** *is spontaneously there now with no intro description* Albus! You're all right! Thank Merlin, I was so worried. How are you feeling? It's been twenty-four bloody hours, you know; how long does it take for you to recover?

**Harry:** Aww, it thinks it can fake emotions. Now leave. 

_ALBUS looks at SCORPIUS and his heart breaks. He walks on._

**Scorpius:** ...Albus? Something wrong?

_ALBUS stops and turns to SCORPIUS._

**Albus:** I have an aunt Padma now. And a cousin Panju. Rose doesn't exist.

**Scorpius:** ...Holy frell did we mess up. Like, we didn't even save Cedric. Mission accomplished, Albus.

**Albus:** Screw you. But what else did we fuck up, did you find anything out?

**Scorpius:** I did. More than you'd think, but less than you'd hope. Fred's alive but Bill and Arthur are dead — Greyback and snake bite respectively — Hannah's mother's alive, which might explain why Pomfrey's still working here — and you have a godsister instead of a godbrother, Edwina, people call her Winny, so you were right about the different sperm/egg thing on that one. She's still an orphan, though. And that's all I could find out within the twenty-four hours that you've been out of it and while they never bothered to question me to see whether or not our stories lined up I guess.

**Albus:** Wow, is all of this true?

**Scorpius:** Pfft, I don't frelling know, but wouldn't it be interesting to more fully explore the differences between this reality and our own? One can always learn more. We gotta keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

**Mr. Poopybutthole:** Ooo-wee! Whatever you want, Scorp, we're here to help!

**Scorpius:** Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

**Harry:** I can't take this anymore. Albus, _here._

_ALBUS looks torn between his father and his friend._

**Albus:** Dad says we can't be friends anymore.

**Scorpius:** ...Before you rejoin him, Albus, we must speak. You cannot be seriously considering my removal.

**Albus:** See, this is why I never could be in Gryffindor — I don't have the courage to stand up to my father.

_SCORPIUS is left looking up after him. Heartbroken. And once again in my never-ending argument for the possibility of then being solely platonic, your heart_ can _break when a friend no longer wants to have anything to do with you. Trust me on this._

ACT TWO, SCENE TEN  
HOGWARTS, HEADMISTRESS'S OFFICE

_PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL is pissed as fuck, HARRY doesn't give a shit, and GINNY's kind of just standing around uselessly._

**Professor McGonagall:** You know what? Man? No. How 'bout no. I don't wanna, and you can't make me. Fuck this. Your father and godfather did _not_ intend for you to abuse the Map like this and you know it.

**Harry:** Are you kidding me? They'd never stand for a Gryffindor being friends with a Slytherin.

**Professor McGonagall:** Oh for the love of — and you're doing this because a centaur told you bad shit _might_ happen? Potter, you _know_ how little stock I put in Divination; you really should've come up with a better argument if you wanted my help.

**Harry:** Like I said, Bane is one of the most violent centaurs I've met out of the four who got names and one time wanted to leave me to die by Voldemort's hand. I would happily trust him with my son's life.

**Ginny:** Okay, allow me to smooth things out a little—

**Harry:** *with finality* I can speak for myself, thank you.

_GINNY looks at Harry, surprised he'd talk to her that way but doing nothing to argue back like she usually would — how much has_ this _timeline changed her?_

**Professor McGonagall:** We somehow got the greatest Healers to stop by instead of just sending him to St. Mungo's ourselves, and newsflash: the broken arm was the only thing wrong with either of the boys. And there are plenty of ways to break an arm, and I don't think Scorpius had anything to do with it. Albus is probably perfectly safe around him — more to the point he's _happiest_ around him. And for a boy as miserable as your son, this is a _good_ thing. Why would you want to take that away?

**Harry:** Because Dumbledore agrees with me.

**Professor McGonagall:** ...Please say you spoke with his portrait and haven't actually gone mad.

**Harry:** It was his portrait, yes. And he and I both think that the dark cloud Bane was talking about is a person.

**Professor McGonagall:** *long-suffering sigh* Harry. The Dumbledore you've spoken with is literally and metaphorically two-dimensional. He is only a representation of Albus Dumbledore as seen by his artist. Granted, his and other Headmasters and Headmistresses past are vaguely more intelligent and have more personality than other portraits by design, but that doesn't change their primary nature.

**Harry:** Don't care, I've completely abandoned all logic and reasoning at this point.

**Professor McGonagall:** Yeah, no fucking shit.

**Harry:** I see you putting your face in your hands because of how stupid this is. Well guess what, it's really stupid. Take that.

**Professor McGonagall:** Have you said your piece, crazy man? Look, I get it. Your son tries to run away and you find him injured, you're having nightmares that make absolutely no sense because the Horcrux should be fucking dead — you're going through a tough time. But that is absolutely no excuse for you to treat your child this way.

**Harry:** I don't care. Our relationship wasn't spectacular before, I'm fine with him continuing to hate me now. As long as he's alive and safe, fuck his happiness. *blinks* Wow. I really _am_ become Dumbledore. But yeah, this is how it is now. I have kids and you don't, therefore I know better than you.

**Ginny:** ...That did not just come out of your mouth.

**Harry:** Why, what's wrong?

**Professor McGonagall:** *deeply hurt* I helped raise _thousands_ of children — I got to see them all grow up!

**Harry:** I don't care that I just shat on every teacher ever, you are doing the thing with the Map or I _will_ make Dolores Umbridge's time here look like a pleasant visit. Who's gonna stop me, Hermione?!

**Professor McGonagall:** *bewildered by his vitriol* What the fuck is wrong with you.

_GINNY looks at HARRY, utterly silently as it is not a dutiful wife's place to speak up against her owner, unsure of what he's become and not doing a thing to stop him. He doesn't look back._

ACT TWO, SCENE ELEVEN  
HOGWARTS, DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS CLASSROOM

_ALBUS enters the classroom — slightly unsure about what his schedule even is anymore._

**Hermione:** Hey man. Nice try with the train thing. Not quite a flying Ford Anglea, but...

**Albus:** Aunt Hermione?

_He looks amazed. HERMIONE is standing at the front of the class._

**Hermione:** Maybe outside the school, if your father and I are even still friends, but during class I prefer Professor Granger. We've talked about this.

**Albus:** We have? What are you even doing here?

**Hermione:** I fucking work here? I'm still servicing the Wizarding World and trying to make it a better place — in this reality, I just decided that that goal would be better served by bringing up the next generation. I imagine this time, assuming we still had that conversation with Scrimgeour, when he asked me if I wanted a job in Magical Law and I told him no, I wanted to do some good in the world, true to my word I really did think this was me doing good in the world without having to join the Ministry.

**Albus:** Bit of a step-down from Minister for Magic, though, isn't it?

**Hermione:** ...Go up to the Headmistress's office and tell her to her face that teaching isn't important or noteworthy. Go on. I'll wait.

**Albus:** *amazed* Does that mean Kingsley's still Minister?

_There are some titters._

**Hermione:** Who the fuck else would it be. Ten points from Gryffindor for stupidity.

**Polly Chapman:** *stands up, full of affront...what* Professor Granger, stop being a crazy psycho. Now's not a good time for you to be a psycho. If Snape couldn't use that to take points from Gryffindor then neither should you.

**Hermione:** Oh bite me, it's fun. *waits for Polly to sigh and then sit* Albus, sit the fuck down already.

**Albus:** Merlin's straw hat pirates, PMS much?

**Hermione:** Cycle ended two days ago, actually. Twenty points for not thinking women can feel negative emotions unless their hormones dictate it so.

**Yann Fredericks:** Well that's more information than I ever wanted to know...

_ALBUS sits. The realization of the unbelievability of this scenario washes over him like a golden shower._

**Albus:** I have another comment—

**Hermione:** I don't care. So! Patronuses! Something that was incredibly popularized by our current head of the Auror Office, therefore most of you have probably heard of it! Right? No? Blimey, not even you, Albus? Merlin's fishing line, you two really don't get on, do you.

_HERMIONE smiles a thin smile. Which could just be written as she “smiles thinly.” But she really is quite mean tho._

**Albus:** No. This is stupid. This is fucking ridiculous.

**Hermione:** What is? Your face? BOOM!

**Albus:** No, the idea that you having never gotten together with your One True Love made you this bitter person who refused to move on and takes her frustration out on her students in a job that, frankly, she does not seem to enjoy all that much to begin with.

_There's a sharp intake of breath._

**Hermione:** *coldly* Well. If you choose to look down upon me for behaving this way for those reasons, _**then you had best stop applauding Severus Snape for that exact same behavior, now hadn't you.**_

_She stares around the room. No one moves a muscle._

Fifty points from Gryffindor. Now. Back to Patronuses. We have human guards in Azkaban now but I honestly don't know what became of the un-killable monsters that used to work there, so I'd rather you all learn to defend yourselves against them as soon as possible.

ACT TWO, SCENE TWELVE  
HOGWARTS, STAIRCASE

_ALBUS walks up a staircase. Looking around as he does. It was very important that those be two different sentences. Because it flows better that way. I might be lying through my teeth. As I hate this type of structure._

_He doesn't see shit. He exits. The staircases move in almost a dance. Which would be delightful to witness if your average Potter fan could_ see _it._

_SCORPIUS enters behind him. He thinks he's seen ALBUS, he realizes he hasn't seen shit, learn to write sentences properly you fucking hack._

_He slumps down to the floor as the staircase sweeps around._

_MADAM HOOCH enters and walks up the staircase. At the top, she kicks SCORPIUS out of her way._

_SCORPIUS gets up. And slopes off — his abject loneliness clear._

_ALBUS enters and walks up one staircase._

_SCORPIUS enters and walks up another._

_The staircases meet. The two boys look at each other._

_Lost and hopeful — all at once._

_And then Albus cowards out first and the moment is broken — and with it, possibly, the friendship/romance/whatever the fuck.And now the staircases symbolically part — the two look at each other — one guilty as balls — the other in agony — I think you ought to know that they're feeling very depressed._

ACT TWO, SCENE THIRTEEN  
HARRY AND GINNY POTTER'S HOUSE, KITCHEN

_GINNY and HARRY watch each other warily. There is an argument due, and both of them know it._

**Harry:** I didn't ask for your opinion, I know what I'm doing.

**Ginny:** Uh-huh. A majorly invasive decision affecting one of the lives we _created together_ made _entirely on your own_ needed to happen.

**Harry:** Look, I get that because I never had parents you think I don't know what I'm doing, but I've built up quite the repertoire of what _not_ to do. The Dursleys never gave a shit about whether I lived or died, much less whether or not I turned evil. Our son _will_ live, and he _will not_ be swayed to the Dark Side by others.

**Ginny:** You're right on that last part. He'll get there himself, because _you_ drove him there.

_They hear a knock on the door._

Thank fucking Merlin.

_She exits._

_After a moment, DRACO enters, consumed by anger but hiding it well._

**Draco:** Yo.

**Harry:** 'Sup?

**Draco:** I'd say I'm not here to antagonize you but I don't really care right now. You do know that suicide rates of students who have been bullied at school are at an all time high, right? Has this information passed your ever-so-important desk at all? I ask this because the only bright spot in my son's life has since been forcibly taken away from him, by you, and you can understand why that now makes me legitimately fear for my child's life.

**Harry:** I am now lying to your face when I say that I have no idea what you're talking about.

**Draco:** ...Okay, fuck you, I've seen your handiwork. Even Father didn't have this much influence over people while he was still in power, though I suppose his fear of Dumbledore had something to do with it — I still can't believe you had the stones to talk like that to McGonagall of all people! I'm in greater disbelief that she'd _listen_ to you, of course, but—

_HARRY looks at DRACO carefully and then turns away._

**Harry:** I have to mamoru my son.

**Draco:** From one of the few positive influences in his life? The thought's crossed my mind that they might be more than friends and I absolutely _refuse_ to believe that _you,_ of all people, would be biased against someone for their sexuality—

**Harry:** I don't care what either of our sons prefers, I just don't want mine to make a decision he'll grow to regret.

**Draco:** ...Hello, Pot, my name is Kettle. You're black.

**Harry:** Bane told me he sensed a darkness around my son. Near my son.

**Draco:** Let's skip right on past the part where you tell me who Bane even is — have you talked to Albus about his depression? And the fact that maybe removing the one thing in his life that gives him any semblance of happiness in his life might increase those symptoms? I say symptoms because — you might not be aware of this — depression is an illness. A possibly _fatal_ illness. _Due to the increased risk of suicide._

_HARRY turns and looks DRACO dead in the eye._

**Harry:** I am so in denial that Albus might be suffering from something so horrible, especially because of something I did or because of a place I love so much, that I will deflect any and all of this well-founded advice in favor of outright accusing your son of not being yours.

_There's a deadly silence._

**Draco:** ...What the fuck goes through your head!?

**Harry:** That.

**Draco:** ...HAVE YOU FUCKING _LOOKED_ AT HIM, HE IS MY CLONE JUST AS YOU ARE YOUR OWN FATHER'S. NO ONE EVER ACCUSED _YOU_ OF BEING VOLDEMORT'S SON IN DISGUISE EVEN THOUGH AT LEAST THEN THE TIMING WOULD'VE MADE FUCKING _SENSE._

_But HARRY doesn't take it back._

_So DRACO takes his wand out. No not that wand._

**Harry:** You do not want to do this.

**Draco:** You need to learn that you do not get to dictate what other people want for themselves.

**Harry:** I don't want to hurt you, Draco.

**Draco:** Verbal assaults send the same messages to your brain as physical ones. Which I realize I learned too late. I understand that you probably don't forgive me for all the pain I've caused you over the years, but there's no reason for you to pull a Snape and start taking your anger at me out on my son, not least because I'm still alive and you can swing by and hex me at any time.

_The two square up. And then...“release their wands.” This, to my surprisingly clean mind for once, reads as though they both either dropped their wands or threw them away. Just, like, say they fucking attacked each other, or leapt into action or something — don't use confusing wordplay for the sake of seeming like you're clever._

**Draco and Harry:** _Expelliarmus!_

_Their wands repel and then break apart. See, that's better, I didn't immediately think their wands literally broke until I sat down to do this bullshit, that's fine. Though I_ am _a little surprised that at least one of them wasn't disarmed, especially by the one and true master of that spell..._

**Draco:** _Incarcerous!_

_HARRY dodges a blast from DRACO's wand — a live setting would probably make having ropes fly out of it a bit tricky._ So I wonder how shit happens later with a “different” spell.

**Harry:** _Tarantallegra!_

_DRACO throws himself out of the way._

You've gotten better, DRACO.

**Draco:** And there's no way you're telling me you still only use the same spells you used in our Dueling Club match from twenty-eight years ago, Potter. _Densaugeo!_

_HARRY just manages to get out of the way._

**Harry:** _Rictusempra!_

_DRACO uses a chair to block the blast._

**Draco:** Thanks for proving my point, Potter! _Flipendo!_

_HARRY is so shocked to hear a spell he hasn't heard outside of a video game setting that he doesn't bother finding a way to dodge and is sent twirling through the air. DRACO laughs._

Keep up old man.

**Harry:** We're the same age, Draco.

**Draco:** I wear it better.

**Harry:** *snorts* Okay, that made this whole play worth it. _Brachiabindo!_

_DRACO is bound tightly, making what I just wrote about_ incarcerous _fucking useless. Speaking of—_

**Draco:** ...Could've sword the incantation for that was _incarcerous,_ but okay. _Emancipare._

_DRACO releases his own binds. Because one can do that when one is magically tied up but still has their wand I guess._

_Levicorpus_ is no longer nonverbal!

_HARRY has to throw himself out of the way._

_Mobilicorpus!_ On paper it almost sounds like I'm actually enjoying a friendly duel!

_DRACO bounces HARRY up and down on the table. Without a visual I can't tell if he's just making him hop normally or if he's turned HARRY into the AMAZING BOUNCING POTTER, which actually would've been a nice callback that also tied into Thorne's GoF obsession. And then as HARRY rolls away, DRACO jumps onto the table — I hope I'm this fit when I'm forty — he readies his wand but as he does, HARRY hits him with a spell..._

**Harry:** _Obscuro!_

_DRACO releases himself from his blindfold and memories of an infinitely better-written script as soon as it hits._

_The two square up again — HARRY throws a chair and suddenly this is the WWE._

_DRACO ducks underneath it and slows the chair with his wand._

**Ginny:** WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING!?

_She looks at the mess of the kitchen, her biggest priority as a woman. She looks at the chairs suspended in the air. She signals them back to the floor with her wand._

*bursts into song*  
 _So what did I miss?_

**Draco and Harry:**   
_Wha-Wha-What'd I miss?_

**Ginny:**   
_What did I miss?_

**Draco and Harry:**   
_I've come home to this_

**Ginny:**   
_Head-first into a political abyss!_

**Draco and Harry:**   
_HEAD-FIRST! Into the abyss._


	10. Act 2 Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **hey gonna get super political here if any of my readers are american and eligible to vote could you do me a favor and join me in voting out every nazi and nazi apologist you can on tuesday okay political crap over except for whatever I end up inserting into my bullshit here we go:** _Farscape, Undertale, The Simpsons,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Hamilton, Deadpool, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, Archer, Winnie the Pooh,_ a video entitled “Matt and Woolie sing a song about puzzles,” Potter Puppet Pals: Emmy's Christmas Gift, “Dream Weaver,” A Very Potter Musical, Severus Snape and the Marauders, _Spaceballs, RENT, Hook, Beauty and the Beast, Mad Max: Fury Road,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling whom I will be forever grateful for because she got me through middle school because of reasons that'll be explained in this chapter.

ACT TWO, SCENE FOURTEEN  
HOGWARTS, STAIRCASES

_DELPHI scurries in from the other side._ Reeeeeaaally _painting a clear picture for me here._

**Delphi:** So — technically — I shouldn't be here.

**Scorpius:** Delphi? How did you—!? *shrugs it off rather quickly* I suppose it doesn't matter, since you're right, a random adult who doesn't teach or have kids in school — unless you have a sibling in this reality?

**Delphi:** I do not, more's the pity.

**Scorpius:** You know what's happening?

**Delphi:** Barely. I mean, I didn't go back in time with you lot. So unless everyone who ever handled the Time-Turner knew about the plan — which if that's the case why are Potter and Granger acting like they have no idea what's going on — then I should have no knowledge of who you or Albus even fucking are. But you're right about me not being allowed in Hogwarts either — and I kept hearing all my life that Hogwarts was the safest place ever. Do you have any idea how easy it was for some random homeschooled nobody to break in? I know we're sort of living in peace right now, but even if the threat of Voldemort wasn't back on the rise and making everyone at the Ministry paranoid, and even if Potter wasn't pulling every last trick out of his ass to “keep his son safe” or whatever the fuck...even then, constant vigilance, for fuck's sake!

**Scorpius:** Luckily for you, I only registered the part where you were homeschooled. Wow. A British witch who never went to Hogwarts. We've known about it for some time, but never encountered the result.

**Delphi:** I was — unwell — as a child—

**Scorpius:** Thought things got better for werewolves. We've reached the end of the old — the beginning of the new.

**Delphi:** What? No, I'm not a filthy ha...No, it wasn't lycanthropy — I just didn't want to talk about it. Don't you hate it when people look at you with nothing but pity because they've never gone through a hard day in their lives and don't know how else to behave around you?

_This registers with SCORPIUS. He looks up to say something but DELPHI suddenly ducks from view as SOME RANDOM STUDENT walks past. SCORPIUS adopts the Act Natural™ maneuver from everything you've ever seen until the student passes._

...Fuck, can't believe that worked...

**Scorpius:** ...Prepare to withdraw.

**Delphi:** What? No! What do you want?

**Scorpius:** Discretion!

**Delphi:** Not until I fix things.

**Scorpius:** The torment continues.

**Delphi:** No one asked you. Albus owled me, which may or may not explain why I'm now in the know about everything in this reality. So Cedric was still murdered by Voldemort, obviously — him fucking up in the first task only filled him with determination to win the rest of the tournament.

**Scorpius:** Not to mention that I really need to find out why my waifu's no longer here. She's disappeared. And we cannot find her. Mainly because she no longer exists.

**Delphi:** Exactly. We need to fix this. By fixing your relationship with Albus.

**Scorpius:** As if you care.

**Delphi:** You miss him! And I _know_ he misses you—

**Scorpius:** _Miss_ him? I don't _miss_ him — I hardly believe it's worth the effort. *sniffs* I'M NOT JEALOUS YOU'RE JEALOUS!

_DELPHI smiles softly._

...Okay, I'm jealous. At least he's had someone to write to about all this, someone outside this whole frelled-up situation. I've tried to talk to him, but every time he leaves the room — we haven't even eaten in the Great Hall together. I'm starting to really get anxious about what Harry threatened him with if he's that desperate to follow his dad's orders...Even I don't know if it's too late.

**Delphi:** You know, I didn't have a friend when I was your age. Books can only do so much, you know? I had an imaginary friend _way_ longer than you're technically supposed to—

**Scorpius:** You're not alone. Mine probably didn't last as long as yours but I think ten might be pushing it as far as normalcy goes. Their name was Flurry. We fell out over the correct rules of Gobstones.

**Homer:** _NNNNEEEEEEEEEEERRDD!_

**Delphi:** *shakes head* I can't remember being that dumb but I'm sure I was at some point. Anyway, Albus needs you, Scorpius.

**Scorpius:** To do what? Asked the Slytherin since that is in fact our first instinctual answer. We use each other.

**Delphi:** Well maybe branch out a bit. I don't pretend to know the challenges you're facing — the worlds you'll keep erasing and creating with your time. But I'm not afraid. I know you two need this. So long as you're together at the end of the day — that would be enough. You don't need a legacy — you don't need money. If you could grant him peace of mind — if he could let you inside his heart — Oh, let me be a part of the narrative, in the story they will write someday. Let this moment be the first chapter where he decides to stay, and you could be enough — you two could be enough — that would be enough.

ACT TWO, SCENE FIFTEEN  
HARRY AND GINNY POTTER'S HOUSE, KITCHEN

_HARRY and DRACO sit far apart. GINNY stands between them._

**Draco:** Sorry about your kitchen, Ginny.

**Ginny:** *snorts derisively* Oh it's not my kitchen. Harry does most of the cooking. You sexist prick.

**Draco:** Fuck, I can't say anything right these days, can I. Remember when everything used to be good? *sighs* Seriously, I tried talking to Scorpius about Astoria, but we're dealing with two very different types of grief here. Plus she was the favorite parent, which of course she was. She was amazing, I know I can't compare. And you — you can't talk to Albus because whether you know it or not you keep making everything about you when, entitled teenager though he may seem, sometimes he _needs_ it to be all about him and you refuse to let that happen. So they find solace in each other. Which should not be a fucking problem. I cannot believe that you decided to ignore every single conversation you've ever had on how the vast majority of Divination is bullshit, that we can choose to ignore all of it and live our own lives, and that Firenze once taught you lot that _even centaurs get it wrong sometimes._ Furthermore, HOW DID YOU OF ALL PEOPLE FORGET THAT FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL. THAT'S LIKE HALF THE APPEAL OF THIS FUCKING FRANCHISE.

**Harry:** Thought everyone'd be sick of that message by now.

**Draco:** And yet there are still so many friendless folks out there who continuously turn to this type of media for comfort. Fuck, _I_ turned to the example you, Weasley, and Granger had sometimes—

**Ginny:** What about Crabbe and Goyle?

**Draco:** What _about_ them? Trust me, my reaction to Crabbe's death wasn't grief, it was shock. You — the three of you — you provided friendship to millions of people you've never met and never will meet. You liked each other. You had fun. You were there for each other when it mattered most. And despite some issues you had, be they pets, jealousy, or Horcrux-induced mania, you always found each other again. You showed that the truest of friendships may sometimes suffer hardships, but there will always be a way to mend things. You gave the gift of hope to the friendless that maybe one day they could find someone like that.

**Ginny:** I've been trying to put what I felt into words for years. Who'da thunk they'd be issued from the mouth of Draco Malfoy?

_HARRY looks at GINNY, surprised._

**Harry:** B-But I need to mamoru—

**Ginny:** Okay, I'm just about done with this shit.

**Draco:** Oh, I think we can go further into this nonsense.

**Ginny:** Can I at least not watch it?

**Draco:** You can-You can look to the side, I guess.

**Ginny:** I'm looking to the side now.

**Draco:** *addressing Harry again* My father thought that if I were loyal to Voldemort, then I wouldn't be horribly murdered for my beliefs. And frankly he was kinda right on that one, but once Voldemort was gone...Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice. To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, _save a friend._ Because while it is always best to believe in oneself, a little help from others can be a great blessing. And we can't always rely on the off-chance that a kindly old stranger will offer us tea and guide us back on the right track. Most of the time it's preferable to rely on _family and friends._ I'm really only gonna focus on parents here since Albus is being treated like he doesn't even have siblings, and since James appears to have been written as a douchebag I can see him not helping. Lily though? Beyond being written as a girly-girl who likes pretty things, we don't know shit about her, or any of the other Weasley cousins who may or may not exist in this reality. Fuck, _Panju_ could help in this situation; once again we see the folly in writing about a member of the largest family in the entire septology and then treating most of them like they don't exist. And — Ginny, I know you could be helping with this, and I don't know why you don't bother talking to Albus yourself — even Hinata did that with Boruto — but I do understand that Harry's the one with the fucking huge problem here. Because if you don't think you can turn to your family for help, then you'll want a friend to confide in. And if you don't have that — for fuck's sake. I cannot believe I have to describe to _you_ what might become of you if you're alone and friendless. _You've met Severus Snape, right!?_ Forget about me for a second here! _You_ didn't have friends before Hogwarts, and I _know_ you often wondered how you'd've turned out if you hadn't met Weasley and Granger and you _know_ you would've been worse off! Merlin's collection of vintage dickbutts, ask your wife how her first fucking year at Hogwarts was!

**Ginny:** No one noticed I was possessed by Voldemort 'cause I didn't have any friends — two of my brothers made fun of me instead of comforting me — another put on a show of doing his brotherly duty by ensuring I was physically healthy but not doing much else — and the last school-age brother was too busy larking about with _you_ and trying to solve everything to notice. Trust me, if I had a friend other than Tom, things might've been different. His influence would've been slowed down at least.

**Draco:** I can't fucking believe we're still spelling out the power of friendship to Harry Fucking Potter...Fuck it, I'm moving on. To a basic English lesson. You know, you should watch _Archer,_ then maybe with their examples you'd finally learn the difference between literal and figurative. That dark cloud around Albus? _It's metaphorical._ And so easy to get rid of, if you're there for him the way he needs and indeed wants you to be instead of whatever bullshit all this is! You know what'd be a good fucking start? _Giving him his best friend back._

_HARRY looks at DRACO, he thinks. Think think, think think._

_He opens his mouth. He thinks._

_Pushing, push, push, push, blocks, blocks, spheres!_

_Spheres, and blocks. Pushing, thinking, and deciphering._

_And think, think, think._

_And think, think, think._

**Ginny:** Harry. Would you like to actually show that you give a shit about your immediate family, or shall I?

_Harry looks at his wife. And we're left in suspense until we see them again. Merlin's ribbon on his candy cane this is stupid._

ACT TWO, SCENE SIXTEEN  
HOGWARTS, LIBRARY

_SCORPIUS arrives in the library. He looks left and right. And then he sees ALBUS. And ALBUS sees him. And “Dream Weaver” starts playing in the background._

**Scorpius:** Apologies if this is a bad time, but...I believe we need to talk. So. Have have you been, Albus?

**Albus:** Fine. Good-bye.

**Scorpius:** But you are not fine, Albus. Your behavior has changed.

**Albus:** You're absolutely right. Which is why I should go now.

**Scorpius:** May I speak? Is all this something to do with you being in Gryffindor now? Is _that_ the reason you no longer want to be friends with me, because the last time that happened over fifty years ago it ended really badly? Are _you_ cutting _me_ off now before _I_ say something friendship-ending? Because that's a load of boll yotz and I'm ignoring that.

**Albus:** Dude. _We cannot be seen together._

**Scorpius:** I've been your ally, Albus...and your friend. There's no reason to get rid of me!

**Albus:** Yeah there is.

**Scorpius:** Albus? _Albus!_ Listen to me! Circumstances are different now. We have more important things to worry about!

**Albus:** Now that we can agree on. Uncle Ron's completely beaten down because apparently that's how Thorne thinks marriage works, Hermione's not my aunt anymore...

**Scorpius:** My poor waifu's soul has been retconned out of existence. Unlike you and I.

**Albus:** I know, it's horrible. Too bad we can't talk about it.

**Scorpius:** Don't care, talking about it, especially since it's all our fault. Some awareness: everything comes back to GoF, although this time it kind of makes sense — it could be argued that R/Hr started when Ron got over his beef with Crookshanks and offered to help Hermione research Buckbeak stuff and she gave him that hug and actually apologized like Ron had been wanting her to do from the start — when she first pulled her head out of her eema and when he first showed maturity in actually accepting her apology, and that's where _I_ think the sparks first flew — but I think everyone can agree that the Yule Ball is where things really started.

**Albus:** Right. Because Ron didn't even notice Hermione until someone else dated her and then he turned into something akin to a child who didn't want his toy until it was taken away from him.

**Scorpius:** I know, romance is a beautiful thing. But that's not what happened this time. Now, if you trust me enough to live, you may well discover the truth. I found Rita Skeeter's book on them — always a reliable source of information — and this time the child actually remembered he had a shiny ball to play with.

**Albus:** ...Wait, that's it? That's the only thing that's changed?

**Polly Chapman:** Have you fuckers forgotten you're in a library? And also that you two shouldn't be seen together? I seem like the kind of person who would snitch, after all.

_SCORPIUS looks at POLLY and doesn't really drop his volume all that much because how would the audience hear him otherwise._

**Scorpius:** Yep. They went as friends. By a simple declaration of alliance. That's it. And then at some point Ron danced with Padma, and added to one of the unfortunate implications of this series where you apparently have to marry the first or second person you dated in high school because frell waiting a little or playing the field to find out whether or not you actually like someone. And then Hermione—

**Albus:** —made a conscious decision to put her career first, but because she's not married and didn't shove bowling balls out of her vagina we're considering her a failure.

**Scorpius:** Of course. As if there was ever any doubt. And it's all our fault. Or Delphi's for suggesting we dress as Dumstrang students. But we did end up freaking her out by talking to her. She didn't go out with Viktor because she thought he had us sabotage Cedric. Pity.

**Albus:** And he couldn't convince her that “we” were working independently? Well...if there was an inquiry and no one was able to answer satisfactorily...

**Scorpius:** Also that. We probably should've thought about our overall plan a little more than not at all. But the point is, Ron was with Padma and Hermione evidently never dated again even when the Slug Club started, or if she ever did, again, Ron was still with Padma at the time. There was no time for those sparks of jealousy to flare up into the most realistic romance JRK has ever written so far outside of Queenie and Jacob, I want to see more of that. And because of that, Ron and Hermione never had teh sex and never created my waifu.

**Albus:** Why is Dad different, then?

**Scorpius:** Aside from having a bestie whose sense of fun slowly but surely disappeared? Nothing. Not likely. Oh, you have a little brother now instead of a sister, Colin Cedric, of all things.

**Albus:** Really!? You'd think I'd've seen him around, we're in the same House now...

**Scorpius:** Quite the contrary, Albus; I made that up. But wouldn't that be interesting if it was true? That further consequences were noticeable aside from us frelling with only the one couple?

**Albus:** Yeah, you'd think me being in Gryffindor now would change things but it doesn't. James and I still don't get along and Lily still stands around being female and that's her only character trait, and both of them might as well not exist as usual. Along with any and every cousin aside from Panju who may or may not exist or also have changed. But fuck that noise, why is Dad being such an ass fuck?

_A LIBRARIAN enters at the back of the room. If you're wondering whether or not that's Madam Pince and what happened to her if it isn't, then I guess you can go fuck yourself._

**Scorpius:** Now listen, Albus. Be smart. See the situation for what it is. It's not always about you and your problems. And now we come to the real meat of the debate: Thorne absolutely read the Pottermore entry on time travel because he knows about Professor Croaker, and he knows about the five-hour rule as well. What he either didn't notice, or willfully ignored apart from the grave consequences bit, was that when we got back we were meant to have aged by twenty-six years. Thorne paid attention to some parts and ignored others. Some might call it artistic license, others might call it disregarding established canon. While I tend to lean toward the latter — especially when you're trying to _add_ to established canon — I can see the argument for the former. But the point is that the whole concept of time travel is a dren idea in the first place, and we can tell this now, because _Rose doesn't frelling exist anymore._ Scientists theorize that this is boll yotz!

**Eternally Nameless Librarian: SHUT THE FUCK UP!**

_ALBUS thinks quickly._

**Albus:** M'kay. Let's go back and fix some mistakes. Let's get Rose back. And do what we set out to do in the first place. She's my cousin, after all.

**Scorpius:** ...Once again making everything about you. Why is nothing ever easy with you?

**Albus:** I wish I knew. You've still somehow held onto the Time-Turner, either creating a situation where one doesn't exist in this reality or making it so there are fucking two of them, which could only lead to good things, right?

_SCORPIUS takes it out of his pocket._

**Scorpius:** Just um...just verbally assuring you I had it instead of doing the dumb thing and showing it to you would have sufficed, I imagine.

_ALBUS snatches it from his hand._

**Scorpius:** ...Thank you, Albus. Who could have ever predicted this turn of events, I ask you. For real, though, don't even consider it, Albus! Far too risky!

_SCORPIUS grabs for the Time-Turner, ALBUS pushes him back, they wrestle inexpertly, and the LIBRARIAN and POLLY and anyone else who might've been there are suddenly no longer there I guess because this is allowed to happen no problem._

**Albus:** You want your waifu back. I want my cousin back and to make sure all of this wasn't for nothing. Besides, this is an easy fix! What could we possibly get wrong if we sat down and planned it this time before we go back?

**Scorpius:** Now Albus, you listen to me. Snap out of it. We need to stop before be erase even more of our loved ones from existence, or maybe even ourselves. None of that crap will get the job done, Albus. You die, you drag me with you. You want some advice?

**Albus:** No. Saving one person we've never met and most people don't remember is way more important than the people we care about now.

**Scorpius:** Albus, shut up. Do not allow yourself to be pushed over the edge. Even if you're right, which you're not, we are not the ones to do this!

**Albus:** And why the fuck not!?

**Scorpius:** I just want to make you aware of the improbability of what you propose! _We! Weren't! There!_ We don't know enough about the situation! We wouldn't be able to account for any and every variable! There is no historical account detailed enough to fill in the gaps! I've examined this thoroughly from my...unique perspective, and I believe...my fears are correct; I believe...we will fail! _We are not equipped for this!_

_ALBUS finally gets the upper hand and pins SCORPIUS to the ground. Okay yeah that's pretty homoerotic, I'm not gonna argue that one._

**Albus:** Don't tell me to do what I'm already doing, don't tell me _not_ to do what I'm already doing, don't tell me what to do. I've had enough of that lately from Dad — I do _not_ need it from you.

**Scorpius:** Yes, it always comes back to your and your frelling daddy issues, doesn't it. Now Albus, I'm warning you—

**Albus:** If you don't want to come along then don't. I'll fix everything myself. Would probably do a better job of it anyway...

**Scorpius:** Yes, because it's all about _you_ isn't it? You enjoy this, don't you Albus? None of the rest of us matter as long as the Great Albus Potter gets whatever he wants.

**Albus:** What I _want_ is a better reality where I'm not hated by everyone!

**Scorpius:** *explodes* WHAT THE FRELL DO YOU THINK I HAVE TO DEAL WITH ON AN HOURLY FRELLING BASIS!? WANT TO TRADE PLACES AND FIND OUT!?

**Albus:** ...Dude, it's not a contest—

**Scorpius:** Let me—LET ME FINISH! It's not meant to be a contest! I get that anything can send someone spiraling into depression, that some people can only take so much before snapping, that everyone's threshold is different, and that experiences shouldn't be compared because pain's pain and people are allowed to feel things! But you know what _your_ problem is? You don't even notice when other people are suffering. You fail to understand...the extend of your friend's misery. And I am _miserable._ And all you can do is talk about yourself! You're like the most self-absorbed guy I know! Whenever _you_ are miserable, I am there for you. But you won't even listen to me, and I'm sick of it.

_Beat._

My mother is dead. I know we both have strained relationships with our fathers, but you know who I never hear about? _Your_ mother. Your siblings. Your other cousins. My grandparents don't get along with my father anymore and I don't know what my mother's side of the family is like because apparently they don't exist anymore either, but it means that I have no one apart from my dad. I'm half an orphan, and my one apparently remaining family member is someone that most consider to not even be my family member. And beyond going to the funeral with me, you've never really acknowledged what I've been going through, at least not onstage, which is where all the important stuff's meant to be taking place. It's always been “I hate my dad” this and “My dad doesn't understand me” that. You have no idea what it is like to be me. You have no idea what it is like TO _LOSE SOMETHING!_

_ALBUS digests this. He sees what he's done to his friend._

**Professor McGonagall:** *offstage* Potter? Malfoy? You two better not be in the same room together! BOY does that demand have a different meaning than it ever did twenty-plus years ago...

_ALBUS looks at SCORPIUS. He pulls a cloak out of his bag. I'd like to think it's immediately identifiable by its original silvery silky material so we can get a little closer to the books instead of the movies but, considering all of the images I've seen has them still in Muggle boarding school uniforms with long jackets and Harry going about in a suit, I have a sinking feeling they used the same cloak design from the films._

**Albus:** Get under this with me.

**Scorpius:** ...Don't you think we're moving a little fast here? That was not part of the agreement.

**Albus:** Would you fucking focus?

**Scorpius:** Not yet. Not 'till you explain to me where you got that.

**Albus:** Same way Dad probably got the Map back — nicked it from James. But if she catches us even talking with each other, she _will_ tell Dad, who will use the entire might of the Ministry to force us even farther apart while still keeping us trapped in the same castle. Which I should've somehow communicated to you in the first place so you would've at least understood _my_ sudden dickish behavior. Just hurry your shit, I don't have time to properly apologize to you just yet.

**Professor McGonagall:** *offstage, trying to give them every chance, which would be nice of her of not for the fact that she still agreed to all this bullshit in the first place* I AM GOING TO ENTER THE ROOM NOW.

_PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL comes into the room, the Marauder's Map in her hands. The boys disappear beneath the Cloak. She looks around, exasperatedly._

All the trouble making I could be putting a stop to and I have to use this to monitor two shit kids — there's a chance this shit doesn't even accurately reflect how the school's even supposed to be set up now after the Battle of Hogwarts — and of course they're not even here, why does this thing that was created by four bored teenagers always get treated as if it were so infallible...

_She thinks. She looks at the Map. The audience is given visual cues as to where the boys are moving, whereas if they had any sense they'd stay where they were and trust that she believe the Map was fucking with her. This is the real reason why SCORPIUS at least wasn't sorted into Ravenclaw. She takes way too long to put two and two together._

And here I thought your brother had your father's Cloak. Unless. Unless...you live in the same tower as him and could steal it super easily.

_She looks back at the Map, she looks back at the boys. She smiles to herself._

BITCHES I CAN'T SEE SHIT.

_She exits. The two remove the Cloak. They sit in silence for a minute. A full minute. This is taking long enough as it is. For fuck's sake._

**Albus:** James's trunk combination is 1-2-3-4-5. What kind of idiot uses that on his luggage. I — and this'll be a quick complaint — I know it's meant to go to the firstborn but I still can't believe Dad gave _him_ the Cloak when he knew it might make _both_ our lives easier to avoid bullies...at least before he went fucking insane.

_SCORPIUS nods._

Look, I — we make jokes about how women don't matter, that now we're all being written by a man who has no idea how to write women — I never thought it would actually become relevant — I'm so sorry your mother was fridged. She deserved better than that. Presumably.

**Scorpius:** I know what I am, Albus. This incident was simply a fortuitous though troubling...reminder.

**Albus:** Dad started spontaneously trusting in Divination — he said there was a dark cloud around me, that he didn't think it was metaphorical — he was basically going to find or just fucking invent a Helicopter Parent Curse if I didn't stay away from you voluntarily — I got super scurred — who would I turn to if he went through with it, the _Ministry?_

**Scorpius:** Merlin's big romantic rubber fists, I instantly mostly forgive you. But — let me understand — is all this because your dad believes all the I-am-Voldemort's-son rumors when he's never done so before?

**Albus:** His department _is_ currently investigating why the bastardy hell your dad never did a paternity test. I mean to be fair they can't be that hard, we have fucking magic.

**Scorpius:** You know what? I actually agree with you on that. And — frankly I could do with the closure. Even here, it's the same. You hear a lie enough, it starts to sound like the truth, you know? Which only makes me more determined to discover the truth about my parentage.

**Albus:** Oh come on, we know that's not a thing.

**Scorpius:** Of course it's not. But there's only one way to be sure it is a lie.

**Albus:** ...I don't think it matters. I know there's a big argument over nature versus nurture, and while the general consensus seems to be a mix of the two, I still think nurture's more important in the long run. And what's more important is how _you_ feel about it. If you truly love Draco Malfoy as a father, then it should be the only thing that matters. Draco and Astoria both — they raised you to be kind. And you _are_ kind, Scorpius. To the depths of your belly, to the tips of your fingers.

**Scorpius:** Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. This is no time to be having fun, Albus. We've been trying to argue in favor of the possibility of us being in a platonic friendship, and I think we've done reasonably well so far, but I have absolutely no defense for what might be the gayest thing I've ever heard.

**Albus:** Fuck you, I'm trying to build a moment here.

**Scorpius:** And are you able to do that _without_ saying possibly the gayest thing I've ever heard? You must not fail.

**Albus:** ...Okay, I'll try I guess. *bursts into song*  
 _Without you_  
 _The hand gropes_  
 _The ear hears_  
 _The pulse beats_

**Scorpius:** *joins in*  
 _Without you_  
 _The eyes gaze_  
 _The legs walk_  
 _The lungs breathe_  
 _The mind churns_

**Albus:**   
_The mind churns_

**Scorpius:**   
_The heart yearns_

**Albus:**   
_The heart yearns_

**Albus and Scorpius:**   
_The tears dry_   
_Without you_   
_Life goes on_   
_But I'm gone_   
_'Cause I die_

**Scorpius:**   
_Without you_

**Albus:**   
_Without you_

**Scorpius:**   
_Without you_

**Albus and Scorpius:**   
_Without you..._

**Albus:** ...The answer is no.

**Scorpius:** Oh well. I hoped you'd see reason.

**Albus:** Nope! Now, all talk about comparisons aside — I know I have it easier than you, okay, I get that, and I've been ignoring your pain and that was shitty of me and—

**Scorpius:** Still using a lot of “I” and “me” pronouns there, boyo. Appreciate the effort, though. Notify me constantly of your progress.

_ALBUS smirks and stretches out a hand._

**Albus:** Friends? After all this time?

**Scorpius:** *dies laughing* Always.

_SCORPIUS extends his hand, ALBUS pulls SCORPIUS into a hug._

New argument. There's potential for us to be in a romantic relationship but since we already know how painful it is to've broken up we don't want to risk our friendship over it so we're just content with the fact that we love each other and don't _need_ to add snogging or sexy times to our previously scheduled boll yotz. This is my headcanon now, subject to continuous change as the play/parody progresses, for that is how I roll.

_The two boys break apart and smile._

**Albus:** I've just had an apothecary.

**Scorpius:** I think you mean an epiphany.

**Albus:** Lightning has just struck my brain.

**Scorpius:** Well that must hurt.

**Albus:** The second task. I know how to fix things.

**Scorpius:** I'm warning you, Albus! Now you stop! WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT HOW THIS WAS ZE BAD PLAN!

**Albus:** No but I have a better plan. Last time we just tried to sabotage him, right? And that filled him with determination and got Hermione to distrust Durmstrang and not make Ron jealous early enough. What if we destroy his determination? I know what makes me give the fuck up — getting dismissed, rejected, and _publicly humiliated._ Why it's more than I can bear. More beer won't help. Nothing helps. He'll be disgraced.

_SCORPIUS thinks — for a long time — and then smiles._

**Scorpius:** I will honor your wishes Albus, however, having chosen our partnership above all else, your well-being...is now irrevocably mine. My gift.

**Albus:** Fuck yeah, let's do this shit! What's the worst that can happen?

**Scorpius:** _You're_ the worst that can happen. If I help with this insanity...we need to find some way to make Ron and Hermione frell each other again.

**Albus:** Different cunning plan, one that can't possibly be read wrong in any way. And frankly I'm pretty sure I can do this on my own, but I don't wanna. Don't worry, any mistakes or failures you make will be totally, totally ignored in the face of my overwhelming, massive failure. WITNESS ME!

**Scorpius:** No, Albus! You cannot leave!

**Albus:** I thought you were with me on this!

**Scorpius:** Oh, rest assured — I'll be with you always. Keeping you safe. However. I am afraid it will not be permitted to leave the castle prematurely. Or at all. Harry's orders, I guess, I have no idea what electives either of us are taking but what about _Herbology?_ Your dad's actually making excuses for Professor Longbottom to not be involved in the play now, never mind the fact that he, as your godfather, would be your one last friendly connection that I guess he just found a way to frelling sever, how spectacular.

_ALBUS grins._

**Albus:** You know how we've caused a lot of confusion over our sexual identities? Wanna get people confused over our _gender_ identities, 'cause Imma go in the girl's toilet on the first floor even though Myrtle's more commonly found on the second.


	11. Act 2 Part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **As This Marks The Halfway Point, I Was Thinking About Taking A Brief Hiatus Between This Update And Next Week's To Make It Seem More Like An Intermision/Two-Parter; Then I Realized That That's A Stupid Idea Since I've Already Written The Whole Bloody Thing And That It Would Also Be A Dick Move To Keep People Waiting, So I'm Not Gonna Do That:** _Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones,_ Super Best Friends Play, that one TeamFourStar video about moustaches, _Archer, Doctor Who, Hamilton,_ My Immortal, The Lord of the Rings, _Book of Mormon,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling who may or may not know how physics work either, come to think of it...

ACT TWO, SCENE SEVENTEEN  
HOGWARTS, STAIRCASES

_RON is walking down the staircase, consumed..._ in _his thoughts, wouldn't _by_ his thoughts work better, and then he sees HERMIONE and his expression clears entirely._

**Ron:** Professor Granger.

_HERMIONE looks across, her heart leaps a bit too. Ermagerd mah OTP._

**Hermione:** Ron. What are you doing here?

**Ron:** Panju fucked up in Potions. I'm assuming Gryffindor based solely on his tendency to show off. Point is he's got a moustache now, which, heh, remember when I accidentally did that to myself in HBP? And then was horrible to you, right, moving on — then again if I really changed that much and stuck it out with Padma that probably never happened, forget I said any of that. But now it's evidently permanent. I didn't want to actually come to the castle for something so infinitesimally minor but Padma insisted; she's so caught up in the whole “mother's love got too much attention in the books so let's throw dads a bone by somehow making them the only part of the family that matters now” thing Thorne seems to be pushing that I now need to teach my son to shave I guess. Hey — your hair's bushy.

**Hermione:** It's always been bushy.

**Ron:** No it really hasn't.

_HERMIONE looks at Ron slightly strangely._

**Hermione:** Please don't look at me like that.

**Ron:** Why not.

**Hermione:** It makes me feel uncomfortable.

**Ron:** *not listening* Why are these scenes with us together like this so compelling, this is the first time I've regained interest this entire act.

**Hermione:** The most popular thing in the least popular thing is still the most popular thing of that least popular thing.

**Ron:** You're not unright. So I think Albus was released from hospital a little early — this was the other day, blimey, I was under the impression that weeks had passed — but he actually thought that — er — the two of us had got married instead of me and Padma.

**Hermione:** What kind of fanfics has _he_ been reading.

**Ron:** Obviously crackfic. Like we'd ever have a daughter together.

_The two lock eyes. HERMIONE is the first to break away._

**Hermione:** Just the one kid still? Was expecting something a little more original if you want your fanfic to get noticed.

**Ron:** I honestly don't know, we sort of cut him off before he could go on babbling. Not like it matters anyway — we're both fully entrenched in the friend-zone, right?

**Hermione:** Precisely — why would we ever want anything different?

**Ron:** And I don't mean that negatively — of course not — it just means that a romantic relationship would never work out — but we're still friends in spite of it. Which is fine — you can love someone and not be _in_ love with them, that's all that word means...

**Hermione:** I know what you meant.

_There's a pause. None of them move the slightest inch. So evidently they both stop breathing and blinking as well. Everything feels too...important...for movement? Merlin's golden ladybugs, how pretentious can you get...Then RON coughs, thank Merlin._

**Ron:** Welp, I'm off to ensure Panju doesn't get retconned into appearing in that one TeamFourStar moustache video. Or maybe I _want_ him in it, it's not a hundred percent clear.

_He walks on, he turns, he looks at HERMIONE. She looks back, he hurries on again._

**Ron:** I really do like it when a woman isn't forced into perfection by absurd Hollywood standards.

ACT TWO, SCENE EIGHTEEN  
HOGWARTS, HEADMISTRESS'S OFFICE

_PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL is onstage on her own. She looks at the Map. She frowns to herself. She taps it with her wand. She smiles to herself at a good decision made far too late for it to have any redeeming value whatsoever._

**Professor McGonagall:** Mischief _fucking_ managed...this had nothing to do with mischief, that was just cruelty...so I probably _did_ use it the way it was intended, hah...

_There's a rattling._

_The whole stage seems to vibrate. GINNY is the first through the fireplace, and then HARRY._

**Ginny:** My primary concern seems to be how ridiculous Floo travel makes me appear.

**Professor McGonagall:** And just for that I'm going to ignore the fact that you're even here. Now stand aside while I nag your husband for fucking up my carpet.

**Harry:** How can that be your highest priorities right now, I need to know where my son at.

**Professor McGonagall:** I bet you do. I'm telling you now what I should've told you the first fucking time you made this shitty request: Go fuck yourself, I am having no part of this.

**Harry:** Sure, fine, I regret everything, now where's my kid.

**Professor McGonagall:** Pfft. You turn on a sickle now, what makes you think you won't change your mind back again?

**Harry:** Look, I get it, I fucked up. My judgment is near universally poor.

**Ginny:** You know, a lot of people that you left to die would agree with you.

**Harry:** Exactly, I'd like to avoid any more of that. Let me do what Dumbledore was never able to do and fix my fuck-up before it costs someone their life.

_DRACO arrives behind them with a bang of soot. I read that too fast and thought it said_ bag _of soot and was thus very confused._

**Professor McGonagall:** ...Okay, I'm starting to believe you're serious.

**Draco:** Yeah, so can we go talk to our kids, apologize, and allow them to talk to each other again or what?

**Harry:** Any time you're ready. Would be nice if that time was _now,_ but...

_PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL studies his face; she sees the sincerity she needs to see. Never mind the fact that HARRY POTTER and DRACO MALFOY visibly working together on this should've been her first and last clue. She takes the Map out of her pocket. She opens it up._

**Professor McGonagall:** Let's fix the thing I never should've agreed to in the first place.

_She taps it with her wand._

*sighs* I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

_The Map is...lit into action? So it glows now? Seems kinda hard to keep your mischief making on the down-low, but I'm not one of the idiots who made it._

Instantly found them. That was quick.

**Draco:** In the girls' bathroom on the first floor. Merlin's human-sized hamster ball, coming to terms with the fact that your son may at least be bisexual if not full-on gay is one thing, but finding out that your only child was the opposite sex this whole time is going to take a bit longer to digest...Don't you dare shout at me either; no matter how progressive you are, if it's someone you've known for forever and this is recent news to you, _it takes a minute._

ACT TWO, SCENE NINETEEN  
HOGWARTS, GIRL'S BATHROOM

_SCORPIUS and ALBUS enter a bathroom. In the center of it is a large Victorian sink._

**Albus:** I wish I coulda taken a dump in this bathroom when it was nice.

**Scorpius:** I wish I could’ve had an illicit act in this bathroom.

**Albus:** …While taking a dump!

**Scorpius:** While taking a dump.

**Albus:** No, that’s not good. Don’t do that. It’s not romantic. *pause* Or is it. *pause* Oh, people are gonna say things about me now.

**Scorpius:** Stay focused. I am seriously not getting how Engorgement is supposed to help us. Is there a solution to it?

**Albus:** Yes there is, and it's half-baked and poorly done! Just like you want it to be!

**Scorpius:** ...Excellent, Albus, keep me informed.

**Albus:** Shut up and give me that soap.

_SCORPIUS fishes a soap out of the sink. Like, just a bar of soap. My Muggle brain is not used to bars of soap just lying around in public restrooms, I've only ever seen liquid stuff._

Engorgio.

_He fires a bolt from his wand across the room. The soap blows up to four times its size. And because I'm relying solely on stage directions, I'm picturing the bar of soap still being in SCORPIUS's hand while this happens. That shit's gotta suddenly be super heavy to hold._

**Scorpius:** Congratulations, Albus! Damn it's big! It's bigger than big! Consider me engorgimpressed!

**Albus:** …

**Scorpius:** …

**Albus:** …

**Scorpius:** …

**Albus:** *drowns Scorpius in the nearest toilet. All was well* Okay so the second task involved everyone sitting outside staring at a lake while freezing their asses off on account of it was fucking February. Only after did anyone find out that the champions had to fish out their most prized possessions—

**Scorpius:** —because the judges considered people to be objects, not least considering three of the “things” were quite literally damsels in distress. Either through ignorance or by design. Honestly, I'm a little surprised Ron wasn't mocked as such. *beat* How come no one thought _Harry and Ron_ were gay, for Merlin's sake.

**Albus:** Haven't the foggiest. Now, back to the only champion that matters, forgetting the fact that _my aunts also participated,_ but who cares, our only focus should be Cedric as always. He used a Bubble-Head Charm so he could breathe. All we have to do is follow him in the lake and use _engorgio_ to blow him up. Now I'm not sure exactly how long of a limit the Time-Turner's got but I know we have to be quick about it if we're gonna do this right. We swim up to him and blow up his head and watch him float out of the lake — up to the surface — where everyone'll anxiously be watching for the smallest shred of action...

**Scorpius:** Albus, wait wait wait wait wait wait wait, show a little bit of patience. What you fail to realize is...the Engorgement Charm does not make things float. It merely engorges as its name suggests. Why not use the charm on the Bubble-Head itself instead of imposing something potentially life-threatening? I have to imagine using an Engorgement Charm on a living thing is a little more complicated than using it on a bar of soap, and the human brain in particular is an incredibly unstable force — frell, we could blow up something a little less essential and then just use _mobilicorpus_ to float him out of the water momentarily so everyone can point and laugh at him.

**Albus:** No, shut up, this is what we're doing. It's all correct decisions until you're dead.

**Scorpius:** You are dribbling horse dren right now. Given these differences, are you sure this will work?

**Albus:** It's _fine._

**Scorpius:** ...Yes of course.. But don't say you weren't warned! Now, how are we even gonna get down there apart from the fact that we have the Cloak now and McGonagall has already proven she's willing to turn an almost literal blind eye when it suits her...

_And then suddenly a jet of water emerges from the sink — and after it ascends a very wet MOANING MYRTLE...First of all, phrasing, second of all, she wasn't drowned, she was just sitting on the toilet when she peaked out and made eye contact and died, why would she be wet, ghosts can't even get wet._

**Moaning Myrtle:** The implication is that ghosts can feel water now, apparently. Or I'm just pretending to, whatever helps me pass the time.

**Scorpius:** I thought Moaning Myrtle was on the next floor. Are you looking for someone?

_MOANING MYRTLE swoops down onto SCORPIUS. Lovely visual, that._

**Moaning Myrtle:** Why am I still fucking called that!? Is it precisely because I said I hated it so much? WHY ARE YOU BASTARDS LIKE THIS, YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW AWFUL IT FEELS TO BE BULLIED, WHY IS THIS STILL TREATED LIKE A JOKE.

**Scorpius:** Probably because it's still considered amusing to write off women as shrill, overemotional whiners instead of appreciating that their complaints about wanting to be treated better are legitimate, and in your case no one has ever bothered to explore what might be a very real persecution complex for possibly this very reason. What irony.

**Moaning Myrtle:** Does my name have a “Moaning” in it?

**Scorpius:** Honestly? Quite likely, wizarding names are frelling weird. You know my name. _Scorpius._

**Moaning Myrtle:** I was Muggle-born!

**Scorpius:** Yes, but, reality tells me that _Hermione_ is also Muggle-born.

**Moaning Myrtle:** ...Fair. But no, my full name is Myrtle Elizabeth Warren.

**Scorpius:** Is that true? WHY IS EVERY WOMAN'S MIDDLE NAME FRELLING ELIZABETH!?

**Moaning Myrtle:** Unimaginative parents. My point is, stop calling me “moaning” Myrtle already, it kinda has a sexual connotation I'm not particularly fond of.

**Scorpius:** Keep addressing you as “Moaning Myrtle” in full whenever you have dialogue within the script, got it. Have you finished?

**Moaning Myrtle:** I have, glad that's settled. *giggles* I did die a heterosexual teenager who likes me some male eye candy, and it's been a while since a couple of boys visited not-my-bathroom. And you two look _ever_ so much like your delicious dream daddies...So what up?

**Albus:** You told Dad how you sometimes got flushed into the lake, right? Passing over what that indicates pollution-wise, not even counting the fact that school children tend to flush a lot more than human waste down their toilets for funzies, do you think we could get to the lake that way too?

**Moaning Myrtle:** ...Why?

**Albus:** If I answer you as vaguely as possible and only mention the Triwizard Tournament and nothing else, will you still help us?

**Moaning Myrtle:** Only if you allow me to wax poetic about how hot Cedric used to be. Shame he never came back as a ghost...And now for more exceptionally creepy behavior where I laugh about the fact that date rape _spells_ also exist and no one makes a fuss about it because they were being cast by girls! Actually, it's pretty reasonable that _I_ look at things that way, I died nearly eighty years ago, but this was written in the 2010s, what is Thorne's _deal?_

**Albus:** Yeah it's not great, now can you help us get into the lake or not?

**Moaning Myrtle:** Why, again? What, can you guys time travel or something?

**Scorpius:** You are remarkably perceptive.

**Albus:** Do you even care?

**Moaning Myrtle:** No not really.

_ALBUS nods at SCORPIUS, who reveals the Time-Turner._

**Albus:** Yeah we can totally time travel. Wanna help us get some man meat back?

**Moaning Myrtle:** *grins* Oh fuck the hell yes. Although...have you considered going back and preventing _me_ from dying?

**Albus:** Bitch I ain't even considered my own _grandparents._

**Moaning Myrtle:** Well okay then. Now since you can't flush yourself down the toilet, I recommend one of the sinks — since this is the first floor and not the second, none of them lead to the Chamber of Secrets, and all drains lead into the lake because fuck the environment, climate change is totally a myth you guys, don't worry about the planet only having ten years left before things get even more catastrophic, every scientist on the planet is just lying for attention.

_ALBUS pulls off what passes for robes in the movie/play versions and...gets into the sink. I need a fucking visual. SCORPIUS copies._

_ALBUS hands SCORPIUS some green foliage in a bag._

**Albus:** No it's not pot. More's the pity...

**Scorpius:** Albus. Report. Have you measured it to last for a shorter amount of time, or do all amounts of Gillyweed last a full hour?

**Albus:** Not a clue!

**Scorpius:** Of course not. Like father, like son. So how long until we get pulled back, like, five minutes?

**Albus:** Sure, let's go with that complete guess.

**Scorpius:** Is there another choice?

**Albus:** Oh shut up, it'll be _fine._

_ALBUS takes the gillyweed and disappears down._

**Scorpius:** Frell, frell, _frell_...Calm down, Scorpius, calm down!

_He looks up, he and MOANING MYRTLE are all alone. Interesting wording..._

**Moaning Myrtle:** Oh go one, impress a girl.

**Scorpius:** *shits himself but puts on a brave face* I am suddenly okay with everything. Descending now.

_He takes the gillyweed and disappears down. I need a_ fucking _visual._

_MOANING MYRTLE is left alone onstage._

_There is...I ain't writing this shit again, light and loud noises happen and shit's meant to be poetical but just ends up sounding overdone — point is time travel's happening._

_The boys have scarpered._

_HARRY appears at a run, a deep frown on his face, behind him DRACO, GINNY, and PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL._

**Harry:** Yo where mah kid at.

**Ginny:** Are we even gonna bother checking the stalls?

_They find what passes for their robes on the ground._

**Professor McGonagall:** *consults the Map* One minute they're not even on the Map, the next they're underground, is this thing finally busted...

**Moaning Myrtle:** I SAW SOMETHING SHINY!

**Harry:** Conglaturations.

**Moaning Myrtle:** YOU AND DRACO SAW NOTHING.

**Harry:** We saw everything. Now tell us about the shiny thing you saw.

**Moaning Myrtle:** Wellllllll...it's implied that I was supposed to keep it a secret...but you're still _ever_ so attractive...

**Harry:** I do not want my son or Draco's to become ghosts, Myrtle. Now where the fuck did they go.

**Moaning Myrtle:** To save someone even hotter than the four of you combined.

**Professor McGonagall:** But Cedric Diggory died years ago...

_HARRY immediately realizes what happened and he is horrified._

**Moaning Myrtle:** They seemed relatively unconcerned with the fact that there was a distinct possibility that they could completely destroy the fabric of reality. Like fathers, like sons, I say.

**Harry:** I still had that conversation with Amos in this timeline. We still got hold of Nott's Time-Turner in this timeline. We still didn't destroy and/or properly secure it in this timeline — wait, does that mean we have two now since one's from a separate reality?

**Professor McGonagall:** Two? I thought Neville destroyed them all. From the way you're talking, it sounds like this plot's ridiculous!

**Moaning Myrtle:** Y'all fucked up.

**Draco:** Yes but to what extent?

**Harry:** Our sons are fucking with the timeline, and potentially the fabric of reality itself.

**Draco:** ...With that sobering note...

**Harry:** Let's go cut our dicks off!

ACT TWO, SCENE TWENTY  
TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT, LAKE, 1995

**Ludo Bagman:** Ladies and gentlemen — boys and girls — variations thereupon — remember that time I just announced that the champions were ready, that they had an hour to do the thing, and then just counted them down? Well fuck that noise, we getting _exciting_ up in this bitch! Or what some douchebag _thinks_ exciting is, anyway! If you're from Hogwarts, give me a cheer!

_There is a loud cheer because of course there is you got like hundreds of people out._

_And now ALBUS and SCORPIUS are...swimming through the lake. Onstage. If they don't film this shit at some point...This isn't like_ Hamilton, _you can get a decent visual through the soundtrack itself — in fact you get everything_ but _a visual from just the soundtrack, it's glorious. This...this needs more context, I have a pretty decent imagination but_ not everyone knows how theater shit works.

If you're from Durmstrang, gimme a cheer.

_Once again, less than forty people somehow make enough noise to equate to over several hundred._

AND IF YOU'RE FROM BEAUXBATONS MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE ALREADY.

expect _them to sound like._

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. Ah, who even cares, the task has evidently started with no prompting whatsoever, that shouldn't be confusing...Viktor's a shark thing, that's actually pretty badass — I'm going to leer at a seventeen-year-old young woman instead of commenting on what she's doing, that's not sexist — I somehow know Harry's using gillyweed, good for him, I'd say I got this wager in the bag — and OH MY GOODNESS, CEDRIC IS USING A BUBBLE-HEAD CHARM! HE IS THE ONLY CHAMPION TO DO SO! ANYONE ELSE WHO EVEN BOTHERED TRYING WOULD NEVER BE WORTH COMMENTATING ON!

_This play has problems._

_CEDRIC...approaches them through the water. At this point I'm picturing them all on wires, is, um, is that accurate? He's got a bubble on his head. ALBUS and SCORPIUS raise their wands together and fire an Engorgement Charm through the water._

_He turns and looks at them, confused. And it hits him. And around him the water turns gold._

_When HARRY tried sending sparks at the grindylow during this very task, unable to articulate the spell properly due to the gillyweed, he sent a jet of boiling water instead. So why did the spell work as intended this time._

_And then CEDRIC starts to grow — and grow again — I'm picturing clever usage of silhouettes or something. He looks around himself — entirely panicked. And then the boys watch as CEDRIC ascends helplessly through the water, instead of descending due to the change in mass adding considerable, y'know,_ weight.

But no, what's this...Cedric Diggory is ascending out of the water. _How,_ he's just getting bigger, how does that equate to levitation. Is this yet another mysterious act of sabotage? Boy, wouldn't it be great if Cedric had been able to _see_ his attackers? Perhaps noticing that they had been under the same effect as his fellow Hogwarts champion? Perhaps matching the appearances of the two boys supposedly from Durmstrang that a young Gryffindor witch — a known close friend of said other Hogwarts champion — had previously identified during the investigation held after the last task? My, my, that won't look too good for young Harry, would it? Hoo boy, I'm in trouble. Wait, what just happened — fireworks just exploded around the still-ascending Cedric — “Ron loves Hermione,” eh? Well, well, well, there's only one way to interpret that! Gentle teasing! Might break up a preexisting relationship, but then again might not as this was obviously a prank set up by a third party! Although how the perpetrator got it to work by way of only visibly casting _engorgio_ is anyone's guess...Right, then, Cedric will most certainly not be able to finish this task, unfortunately, but if everyone could go back to staring at the surface of the lake where nothing interesting is happening — oh, you want to point and laugh at the only thing you'll be able to see until the task is finished because there is literally nothing else interesting to look at? Fine by me!

_And ALBUS smiles widely and high-fives SCORPIUS in the water._

_And ALBUS points up, and SCORPIUS shakes his head and points at his wrist, indicating that they still have almost an hour because that's how gillyweed fucking works._

_The world becomes darker. The world almost becomes black, in fact._

_And there's more bright lights and loud noises indicating that we're back to the future present._

_SCORPIUS suddenly emerges, shooting up through the water. My brain refuses to see this as being on a stage and is now visualizing this as an anime for some reason._

**Scorpius:** Wooooo-hooooo! Oh yes! Those fifty-five minutes in pitch-black waters didn't last long at all!

_He looks around, surprised. He's only noticed that ALBUS isn't here even though it's been a fucking hour because there's no way it couldn't have been a fucking hour._

Albus! Give me five! What's wrong, having trouble breathing? We did the thing, get hype!

_He waits another beat._

Albus....cease this nonsense.

_ALBUS still ain't there. SCORPIUS treads water, he thinks, and then he ducks back into the water, not bothering to cast_ lumos _first._

_He emerges back up again. Now thoroughly panicked, having tried absolutely everything except clearly not. He looks around._

Where are you, Albus? Albus! ALBUS!

_And there's a whisper in Parseltongue. Which travels fast around the audience. Not helping, still picturing an anime._

_He's coming. He's coming. He's coming._

_Sooooo much phrasing. And also it looks like either a stage direction or like SCORPIUS said it. The layout of this script is confusing to me._

**Umbridge:** WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

_She pulls him out of the water. Weird note about the writing process of this schlock: I was making my way though a bunch of_ Final Fantasy _OSTs, best ofs and the like, and without fail, some variation of the Chocobo Theme would play whenever I had to read , take notes on, and/or write an Umbridge section. It was pretty surreal._

**Scorpius:** Wha, where'd you come from? Merlin's sphere grid, these stage directions are awful...And you are?

**Umbridge:** ...Headmistress Umbridge? You fuck?

**Scorpius:** ...No no no no no...We do have a problem...

**Umbridge:** Do Malfoys often lark about in the lake like a common Mudblood? I thought you were raised better than that.

**Scorpius:** I find your priorities odd; we are in a hurry and one of us is missing. Have you seen a dark-haired, green-eyed presumably white kid swimming around with me? Goes by Albus Potter?

**Umbridge:** The last of the Potters was wiped out twenty-two years ago and we would never admit another on account of how their blood would either be mud or mixed with mud.

**Scorpius:** Have you got something against hybrids, hmm? I've read your Pottermore bio, you know. I know what you are.

**Umbridge:** Fake news. But you _know_ this information about Potter, you were at the Death Day fiesta I threw a few months ago as we prayed to Satan to burn that wretched boy in hell. Where he probably is now.

**Scorpius:** ...Albus...What have you done?

_Suddenly around the auditorium, the feel of a breath of the wind. Some black robes arise around people. Black robes that become black shapes. That become dementors. That start blasting “A Knife in the Dark” from the_ Fellowship _OST._

_Flying dementors through the auditorium. These shittily written stage directions, these shittily written you're not JKR live with it and stop trying. They are seven spooky nine me. And they suck the spirit from the room. Good job using the script to sell tickets. No really, I do in fact want to see the play just to check out the effects, this sounds dope as fuck. (Though if access to_ Hamiltion _and/or_ Book of Mormon _becomes available first...I do favor wasting money on things of_ quality, _after all...)_

_The wind continues. This is a Spooky Wizard Hell Dream. And then, right from the back of the room, whispering around everyone._

_Words said with a voice that can_ now _be deemed unmistakable now that we know whose it is after HARRY confirmed it a couple of times. The voice of VOLDEMORT...still written as if they're stage directions because while it's true that I don't actually know how scripts work I do believe dialogue should be written as though the person is fucking speaking it..._

_Haaaaaarryyyyyy Pottttttttter..._

_HARRY's dream has come to life. He dreamed that VOLDEMORT would still be obsessed with him twenty-two years after his death. The ego on this guy, Snape was right all along._

**Umbridge:** ...Did you, like, momentarily drown or something? Is this oxygen deprivation? 'Cause that's kind of the only way I could see someone thinking that Potter managed to reproduce, let alone live past the Battle of Hogwarts. Barely anyone on his side lived, it was glorious. Now come along — I don't know what game you're playing but you're upsetting the dementors and entirely ruining Voldemort Day.

_And then the Parseltongue whispers grow louder and louder. Grow monstrously loud. Grow loud enough to cover the giggles from the audience because unless the atmosphere being described is just that good — I wouldn't know,_ I've never been — _then there's no way anyone can hear that sentence without laughing. Then giant banners with snake symbols upon them descend over the stage._

**Scorpius:** Pfft, say that last part again. Come on, I need a giggle. *looks out at the audience* A brief respite before we continue.

_We cut to black._


	12. Act 3 Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I HAVEN'T SEEN CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD YET I'M SEEING IT TOMORROW PLEASE DON'T SPOIL DON'T BE LIKE UNDERTALE FANS WE HAVE TO BE BETTER THAN THAT HONESTLY HOW HARD IS IT TO WAIT TWENTY-FOUR FUCKING HOURS SOMETIMES I'M REALLY ASHAMED OF THE COMMUNITIES I'M PART OF FUCKING UNDERTALE FANS WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT YES I KNOW IT'S BEEN WEEKS THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT STILL PISSED:** _Farscape,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, The Princess Bride_ (RIP William Goldman), _Black Panther,_ Llamas with Hats, _Metal Gear Solid,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling who we will never know whether or not she could have made Albus Potter a halfway decent or likable character because as it stands my favorite parts of the play are the bits where he's not present.

**Scorpius:** Previously, on Farscape...

**Harry:** Hogwarts will be the making of you, Albus. I promise you, there is nothing to be frightened of there. We only had to deal with Voldemort, Death Eaters, three-headed dogs, Devil's Snare, death chess, fully-grown mountain trolls, people mad enough to drink unicorn blood, people who would rather erase your memory then have their fraudulent activities exposed, possession, basilisks, Horcruxes, dementors, presumed mass murderers, werewolves, people flawlessly disguising themselves with Polyjuice Potion, dragons, drowning, Blast-Ended Skrewts, Acromantulas, grindylows, Umbridge, a truly corrupt government stalling us at every point, prophecies, giants, hexes, curses, date rape drugs, cannibalism, Unforgiveables, the castle exploding, the brutal murders of everyone we loved, and Madam Puddifoot's. I promise you won't have to worry about, like, fifty percent of that.

**Ginny:** Apparently I'm not okay if Al goes into Slytherin since I can't even bring myself to say it. But seriously, would _you_ be okay with it, Harry?

**Harry:** FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME. IN THE BOOK, I TOLD AL, AND I QUOTE, “IT DOESN'T MATTER TO US.” THAT ONE LINE SHOULD AUTOMATICALLY NEGATE LIKE HALF THIS FUCKING PLAY. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY IT'S STILL SUCH A BIG DEAL.

**Albus:** READY FOR THE MOST AWKWARD AND INSECURE INTRODUCTIONS IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE!?

**Scorpius:** FINE! BUT DO YOURS AT THE SAME TIME!

**Albus:** WHY DO PEOPLE FIND THIS ENDEARING.

**Scorpius:** I HAVE NO IDEA.

**Rose:** We're talking about the impossibly implausible theory is that he's Voldemort's son, Al.

_A horrible, confusing silence._

...Fucking _how,_ I have no idea, since if you go back more than five hours and then try to come back, you'll end up aging the amount of time you went back, so — how much older is Teddy than us?

**Albus:** Like eight years?

**Rose:** Exactly, if your mum was sent back in time and became pregnant, and then got sent back to the future, she would've had an eight-year-old bursting out of her abdomen and probably would've died on the spot, best case scenario.

**Scorpius:** Ta for that lovely visual. My appreciation.

_SCORPIUS and ALBUS look at each other and something passes between them. The SHIPPERS immediately set about writing porn involving these two eleven-year-olds._

_The SORTING HAT puts his face on ALBUS's head — and this time he seems to take longer — almost as if he too is confused. This would have been a great opportunity to show the SORTING HAT's, and indeed the playwright's thought process as to how ALBUS ended up a Slytherin. Hell, maybe a whispered conversation between the SORTING HAT and ALBUS that showed ALBUS taking his father's advice and chanting “Not Slytherin” in his head over and over would've been nice, which the HAT could've ignored anyway since we know from NEVILLE that that can also happen. I'm just saying it would've been nice to have something. You know. Instead of nothing._

**Sorting Hat:** SLYTHERIN!

**Yann Fredericks:** ...Okay, so why aren't we jumping to the conclusion that _he's_ Voldemort's son now? I mean, math and time travel aside, we all somehow assume Draco altered Scorpius's appearance to look more like a Malfoy, but Malfoys are, in fact, expected to go into Slytherin. Potters are not, according to our perception. And if Harry's such a forgiving guy that he would name his second child after two people who helped make his life miserable, it could be surmised that he would forgive Voldemort's child for not being his father and take him in and raising him himself. Why doesn't _anyone_ ever bring up this slightly more likely possibility for this increasingly stupid theory?

**James:** You're a massive disappointment and everyone hates you because an enchanted piece of felt assigned you to sleep under the lake okay BYEEEEEE!

**Harry:** I wonder how I never noticed the insanely obvious signs, considering he must've been like this all summer. Maybe I should reprimand James a little more than not at all.

**James:** *offstage* MAYBE WE SHOULD ALSO BE SHOWING OFF OUR FAMILY DYNAMIC A LITTLE MORE THAN NOT AT ALL AS WELL!

**Albus:** My one friend is fine. As long as I've got him I'm good. Which I know sounded like prime shipping fodder but we're twelve; it might be a crush or it might not but please don't assume it's anything else until we're much older. For Merlin's fucking sake.

**Harry:** About your grades — I've been exchanging owls with Professor McGonagall—

**Albus:** Not my head of house?

**Harry:** I'm not sure who that is anymore.

**Albus:** That's okay, I don't either.

**Harry:** You do realize that, if I thought playing with time was a good idea, neither myself nor my godson would be orphans right now, yes?

**Amos:** You have a godson?

**Delphi:** Oh holy shit, you're Albus Potter! So what's it like having the man who continuously saved the entire wizarding world for a father?

**Albus:** It's a massive weight on my shoulders and not a day goes by that I don't wish to be rid of it.

**Delphi:** ...And as usual, everything I touch turns to shit. This is gonna make it really hard when I murder you. Or your dad. Or everyone.

**Harry:** I just wish he would've been written as someone with two siblings, and nine first cousins, and a godbrother, as well as a godfather who works at Hogwarts, instead of basically seeming like an only child with just the one cousin he barely interacts with. Hogwarts is a big place with a lot of people, but more importantly he's got this massive extended _and_ immediate family who can't all have turned on him — we only get one throwaway, classic dick-bag big brother line and we never know how Lily took the news because she's a girl and doesn't matter — but _some_ kind of support system could easily have been had.

**Ginny:** It's a play, though; that works well enough for a book or a TV series or even a film but you have to scale back in a play since there's only so much you can squeeze onto one stage.

**Harry:** Again with the _Naruto_ sequel series of all things beating us in terms of quality.

**Ginny:** STOP SAYING THINGS THAT ARE TRUE.

**Trolley Witch:** This is another blank slate of a character that you can manipulate however you wish, even in an attempt to add to the lore of the Wizarding World. I'm such a blank character, in fact, that I don't think I even have a name!

**Albus:** Ooooh, did the playwright give you one, then, that'd be an interesting development—

**Trolley Witch:** Nnnope!

**Albus:** Oh. That's disappointing...

**Harry:** Like I said, I'm legit _exhausted_ of this conversation—

**Draco:** THEN STOP BEING WRONG! It's a really easy way to stop getting frustrated at the conversation!

**Amos:** *jovially* Have fun storming the Ministry!

**Scorpius:** Okay, I have several questions, and until you bring me more information, do nothing, is that clear? One, are you the one who broke into Hogwarts to steal the most obvious of potion ingredients?

**Delphi:** I sure am!

**Scorpius:** Okay, you're obviously the bad guy, got it. Second point, for when we're inside the Ministry itself. You have a plan?

**Delphi:** Not really! Figured we'd just wing it like these three we're about to change into did last time.

**Scorpius:** How interesting. Third point, how did we get from Yorkshire to London when the two of us can't Apparate or use any kind of magic outside Hogwarts without being noticed?

**Delphi:** Don't worry about it.

**Albus:** ...Why?

**Delphi:** Uh, 'cause bad story telling.

**Albus:** Oh, ri—Yeah!

**Book:**  
Jack Thorne really likes GoF, it would seem  
The sphinx riddle often plays out in his dreams

**Albus:** Okay, the first section is about Thorne focusing way too much on GoF instead of writing the new shit we were promised—

**Bane:** I suddenly have clout in the plot!

**Scorpius:** *stares at Fleur* Who's that?

**Albus:** My aunt?

**Scorpius:** I don't understand. You only have the one aunt, and that's Hermione.

**Albus:** Fuck this play. This is stupid. This idea that you having never gotten together with your One True Love made you this bitter person who refused to move on and takes her frustration out on her students in a job that, frankly, she does not seem to enjoy all that much to begin with, is fucking ridiculous.

_There's a sharp intake of breath._

**Hermione:** *coldly* Well. If you choose to look down upon me for behaving this way for those reasons, _**then you had best stop applauding Severus Snape for that exact same behavior, now hadn't you?**_

**Draco:** Keep up old man.

**Harry:** We're the same age, Draco.

**Draco:** I wear it better.

**Harry:** *snorts* Okay, that made this whole play worth it.

**Albus:** Engorgio.

_He fires a bolt from his wand across the room. The soap blows up to four times its size. And because I'm relying solely on stage directions, I'm picturing the bar of soap still being in SCORPIUS's hand while this happens. That shit's gotta suddenly be super heavy to hold._

**Scorpius:** Congratulations, Albus! Damn it's big! It's bigger than big! Consider me engorgimpressed!

**Albus:** …

**Scorpius:** …

**Albus:** …

**Scorpius:** …

**Albus:** *drowns Scorpius in the nearest toilet. All was well*

**Scorpius:** And now, on Farscape.

ACT THREE, SCENE ONE  
HOGWARTS, HEADMISTRESS'S OFFICE

_SCORPIUS enters the office of DOLORES UMBRIDGE. He is dressed in darker, blacker robes. Y'know. The color Hogwarts robes are meant to be. He has a pensive look on his face. He remains coiled and alert._

**Umbridge:** About time.

**Scorpius:** You requested my presence, Headmistress...?

**Umbridge:** Oh, Scorpius.

**Scorpius:** At your service.

**Umbridge:** Just look at you. Impeccable bloodline, a natural leader, wonderfully athletic—

**Scorpius:** _Frell_ things have changed. Are there any more barriers?

**Umbridge:** —the best Seeker I've ever seen, and that hair...why, you're the very image of a Hitler Youth I mean aspiring Death Eater. Or at least whatever the Augurey's followers are called, I can't imagine they'd be much different...But I've always been especially impressed by all the creative ways you've thought of to dispose of anyone lesser than you to ensure that only the right people survive!

**Scorpius:** ...Eternal thanks.

_There is the sound of a scream from off. SCORPIUS turns toward it. But he dismisses the...thought? What thought is that, exactly? That he should say something? Turn and leave and help? What thought specifically? Either way, he must and will control himself._ Shit _this is already infinitely more interesting than last time they fucked up the timeline, and I have a sneaking suspicion it's because ALBUS is no longer involved. Why couldn't this be explored more, SCORPIUS's struggle to fit into this version of reality would be so interesting to, say,_ read _about._

**Umbridge:** Something wrong?

**Scorpius:** Admiring...your quarters, Headmistress. Quite opulent. Though... *stares around at all the severed heads of children on spikes around him which may or may not be there considering we're getting no visual cues whatsoever as to what this office should look like so why not include a little artistic licence* I have never understood...the need of some warriors to...memorialize their conquests. Does displaying this...decaying flesh...remind you of past instances...when you were powerful?

**Umbridge:** Why yes, that's it exactly.

**Scorpius:** Excellent, excellent! The interlude, however...Allow me to ponder the question you uh...summoned me here to answer.

**Umbridge:** Allow me to ask it first. Seriously, though, I find myself worried. Ever since Voldemort Day, you've changed. Like, a lot. You're suddenly so interested in History of Magic, which, like, _no one_ is. It's weird. It's nothing magical, _that_ we could tell, and you'd think we'd have something for brain damage caused by oxygen deprivation—

**Scorpius:** Oh yes, Headmistress. We do. Totally. Took some and everything. This is just a side-effect, it'll be over fast.

**Umbridge:** Oh, good. You're still down for the unmitigated slaughter of innocents, right?

**Scorpius:** Oh don't worry about me. Who ever isn't?

_She puts her hand to her heart, then touches her wrists together...so I'm picturing her right hand over her heart, then touching the insides of her wrists together, right over left, as if she had just put perfume on. I have a strong suspicion that that's not how it's supposed to go, but if that was the case it should have been written better so I could fucking_ PICTURE IT THE WAY THORNE WANTED ME TO.

**Umbridge:** HEIL VOLDEMORT! HEIL VOLDEMO—I-I mean, for Voldemort and Valor.

**Scorpius:** This is getting implausibly evil. *tries to copy but is a little confused on the second step — do you touch the front of your wrists together, the back, do you appropriate “Wakanda Forever,” what's going on here* Yes. Very important.

ACT THREE, SCENE TWO  
HOGWARTS, GROUNDS

**Karl Jenkins:** Hey, Scorpion Death God!

_SCORPIUS is high-fived, it's painful, he takes it._

**Yaan Fredericks:** Karl, there is a live Mudblood in the dungeons!

**Karl:** Oh! Uh, how did-how did that get there?

**Yaan:** Kaaaaaaarl, what did you do?

**Karl:** I did not let it live! That is — That is my _least_ favorite thing to do! But you know what? That Mudblood was _not_ expecting me to throw that ax in its face.

**Yaan:** Granted. You gotta love the splat noise you get when they hit the ground.

**Karl:** Look at all these skulls, look at all these idiots that died.

**Yaan:** That's death.

**Karl:** That's death. You can tell because there's blood.

**Yaan:** Hey dude, frolic in the blood with me, c'mon, let's go.

**Karl:** I thought you'd never ask.

**Yaan:** Oh, this reminds me of that one summer...

**Polly Chapman:** Hey, Scorpy.

_POLLY CHAPMAN is standing on the stairs, SCORPIUS turns toward her, surprised to hear her say his name, because that's his biggest concern right now._

**Scorpius:** ...Interesting creature.

**Polly:** Yeah, so it's 2020 and women still have to wait for men to ask them out, apparently. Then again, we _are_ more woefully behind than ever, at least two to three years ago when this was written...

**Scorpius:** Oh indeed.

**Polly:** Point is, I know you like me, and I want you to know that I like you back. Cut the bullshit, you know?

**Scorpius:** How prescient of you. Did you have something in mind, or...?

**Polly:** Yes. I want you, the Scorpion Death God, to take me to the upcoming Blood Ball so that we can say thank you to society for being torn asunder.

**Scorpius:** And you consider things settled now, do you? You do realize that this technically counts as you still asking me?

_There is the sound of screaming behind him._

Oh her cries are so horrible.

**Polly:** Yeah well they're over now.

**Scorpius:** It's been three days since I got here and somehow I haven't put two and two together as to what that is, apparently. Simple mind...simple brain...easily dominated.

**Polly:** Yeah no kidding. This something to do with your drowning incident from a few days ago? I suppose I can attempt to jog your memory — you came up with the brilliant idea to make all our lessers suffer before they die, ensuring they die knowing their place and letting us kids work on our anger issues without causing harm to anything important. For example, you can put your feet in their disgusting bodies, I guess, I know I like to. Rather thoughtful, really, which is kind of what drew me to you. Oh and Potter is a swear word now. Don't know why, it sounds lame as fuck, but there you go...Oh right, casually cleaning the blood off my shoes, should get back to that...Shit, why, why does that happen.

**Scorpius:** Might be because you're a horrible murderer.

**Polly:** No. Still have to do it wandlessly and with my hands, of course, wouldn't want to showcase the _reason_ for our superiority, now would we?

_She bends and carefully cleans the blood off her shoes._

Anyway, I don't know why the Mudbloods object to it so much, but the Augurey's got a really inspirational motto: The future is ours to make. And I'd love to make a future full of the suffering of others with their screams of agony as my ASMR tracks to lull me to sleep at night...next to you. For Voldemort and Valor.

**Scorpius:** I commend your loyalty. For the guy who suddenly and uncharacteristically doesn't mind his made-up name being thrown about willy-nilly instead of forcing people to live in fear of it...and valor.

_POLLY walks on, SCORPIUS looks agonized after her. What is this world — and what is he within it? You'd think the last two scenes would've made that abundantly clear but I guess not — wait why did it take three full days for him to learn this shit._

ACT THREE, SCENE THREE  
MINISTRY OF MAGIC, OFFICE OF THE HEAD OF MAGICAL LAW ENFORCEMENT

_DRACO is impressive in a way we haven't seen. So more than not at all I guess. He has the...the_ smell _of power about him? The fuck is power supposed to smell like!?_ Irises!? _Flying down either side of the room are Augurey flags — with the bird emblazoned in a fascist manner. Because only fascists hang their flags in such a way, not like “patriots” who insist on flying their colors any and every way they can, from actual flags to swim wear and even underwear, and often violently oppose anyone who doesn't do exactly the same. Yep, totally different from fascist imagery._

**Draco:** You are late.

**Scorpius:** How did I even get here? Can favored Hogwars students just frell off to visit their families whenever they want now? Why should they?

**Draco:** Aaaand you're not even apologizing for your fuck-up. This is gonna go well.

**Scorpius:** I must've seen the sign outside denoting whose office this was, and yet for the benefit of the audience I must let them know of your new title. Now you know what stupidity I have to deal with.

**Draco:** How _DAAAAAAAAAARE_ YOU! I shall now throw a complete hissy fit because you were more than two minutes late!

**Scorpius:** Kept you waiting, huh? *Draco glares at him* ...This situation will not occur again.

**Draco:** _Sir._

**Scorpius:** There's no need to call me _sir,_ Father.

**Draco:** …

**Scorpius:** …

**Draco:** ...Okay that was pretty funny.

**Scorpius:** HOW WAS HARRY POTTER NOT IN SLYTHERIN. Ahem. You were saying?

**Draco:** That it's shit like that you need to stop.

**Scorpius:** Dren like what? It could be anything.

**Draco:** Talking and asking about Potter all the time. Normally I wouldn't mind you trying to increase your history knowledge, especially since no one else is, but... _I_ raised you. You know about Potter. I understand that you might have oxygen deprivation-induced brain damage that might have affected your memory and you might want to refill those gaps, but...the tone with which you've been researching shit almost makes it sounded like you wanted Potter to have won. Which...what even is. You're kind of making us look bad.

**Scorpius:** Well, well, well...It kind of just dawned on me what this type of office would be used for in a political climate such as this...Are you involved in the slaughter of innocents too?

**Draco:** Which innocents specifically?

**Scorpius:** I mean, apparently the Mug...Mudblood death camps were my idea, at least the one at Hogwarts — torture's always been a Death Eater standard and so it's kind of a reasonable assumption — and the burning alive of those who oppose him? Wow, that's it, I actually thought he'd be more creative than that, mix it up a little, but whatever. But yeah, you involved in any of that? Because unless Mum was as indoctrinated as you in this time, I honestly can't see her getting together with you — quite the reverse—

_DRACO rises up and pulls SCORPIUS hard onto the table, apparently by the head according to the next stage direction. Maybe clarify that here,_ plays are visual mediums. _I don't know theater or screenplays but I did do a class on certain plays and things for one of my English classes, and all of them were way easier to visualize than this. As was a certain other screenplay that came out the same year as this one..._

**Draco:** Do not ever speak of your mother that way again. I know she deserved better than me — you don't have to remind me.

_SCORPIUS says nothing, too busy shitting himself with fear. DRACO smells this. This scent makes sense. He lets go of SCORPIUS's head. He doesn't like hurting his son. So why did he._

And no, I've actually managed to stay out of most of this shit — aside from the fact that the Augurey will probably have me bribe the Prime Minister...which, how are they not all dead yet? Shouldn't I be bribing other countries' governments to stay out of our shit while we slowly and intentionally collapse Britain in on itself? I can certainly think of one current world leader who won't turn down a little extra campaign finance, no matter who it comes from...Do you really think your mother and I shouldn't have gotten together?

**Scorpius:** ...It might be the bad memory thing, but I remember her as being tolerant toward Muggles. Utter loyalty to the Dark Lo..to Voldemort...would have been tricky. Both Grandfather _and_ Grandmother didn't approve, but Grandmother's just a woman so let's not even bother mentioning her, let alone her opinion, she never did anything for anyone in any timeline...But yeah, the Muggle tolerance thing. Bit of a stretch in this reality.

**Draco:** It could very well be argued that I married her to protect her, I suppose. Because forget the fact that women having wands instantly gives them better ways to defend themselves, they're all still just fragile porcelain dolls that must be mamoru-ed at any cost.

**Scorpius:** Okay _that_ part still lines up with the you I remember. And I have an excellent memory.

_He looks at his dad — when did he look away, who looks back with a frown — what, was he smiling before?_

The rest of it, though...How much collective blood do we have on our hands? Because I don't torture people, Father, you misunderstand me. And also, like, I don't know if you could tell from the horrible screaming; it doesn't seem to feel good. Did you call me here...to talk you out of your guilt?

**Draco:** *sputters* N-No! Of course not! It's been HOURS since I last strangled a guy! HOURS!

**Scorpius:** I long for the dumpster.

_This hits home with DRACO. He looks carefully at SCORPIUS._

**Draco:** Not gonna lie, kinda liking the new you. Was it really the drowning or did something else change your mind?

**Scorpius:** I think it's not too late to change the outcome. And I guess I've just always thought of people as, y'know, _people._

**Draco:** Always? You've never mentioned anything like that before.

_SCORPIUS desperately thinks for a way of describing his story._

**Scorpius:** Me and a friend of mine got hold of an illegal Time-Turner that we tried to save someone with, but when we got back so many people had died to the point where my friend didn't exist anymore, and I like my old reality better because more people lived and I didn't have _any_ blood on my hands. Can you just take your life back, Father? Because I'd at least like to try. Of course I can't do much on my own, therefore I need to locate someone who can.

**Draco:** I'm going to ignore all of that, I think. You know what I love most about your mother's death? That because she's such a blank slate to the point that she's never once seen onstage, we can just say nice things about her and have her death only affect us, the male characters in her life, without even bothering to ever acknowledge that she had her own family, including a sister who maybe should've showed up at some point to perhaps share in our grief.

**Scorpius:** We are agreed. Just add it to the frelling pile of characters who should at least be mentioned and yet never are.

_DRACO studies his son._

**Draco:** I have a strong feeling that she was only killed for the drama, instead of for a specific purpose like every other death in this series.

_Beat. He continues to carefully look at SCORPIUS. It's very important that he looks carefully, and that it is directed at SCORPIUS. How many other times can we repeat this._

Whatever you're going to do — don't _you_ go dying in me for the sake of drama.

**Scorpius:** Of course not. _Sir._

_DRACO looks at his son one last time — where does he look when it's not at his son, someone tell me, was he looking at the fucking ceiling or what — trying to understand the head he'd just violently grabbed._

**Draco:** For Voldemort and Valor.

_SCORPIUS looks at him — where else would_ he _have been looking, they're the only two in here — and backs out of the room._

**Scorpius:** I am aware of the political situation. Therefore...For Voldemort and Valor.

ACT THREE, SCENE FOUR  
HOGWARTS, LIBRARY

_SCORPIUS enters the library and starts desperately to look through books. He finds a history book. Remember this._

**Scorpius:** Okay. Information. How did Cedric become a Death Eater? How did I even come to that conclusion, shouldn't it be “How did Cedric living affect things”? This is the first time we've heard of _this_ extreme of an outcome! How do I even know he survived? What the frell happened!? TELL ME YOUR SECRETS, INARTICULATE STACK OF PAPER!

**Craig Bowker, Jr.:** Okay, _what?_

_SCORPIUS turns to look at a rather desperate-looking CRAIG, his clothes battered and torn. So more like Remus's clothes were supposed to be in the films — hey, how'd he manage in this new reality? Or the other alternate one? Did Teddy or some variation thereupon even have a chance to exist this time? What happened to literally anyone not onstage!?_

**Scorpius:** No no no, come in, come in. Just doing some reading, that's all.

**Craig:** Y-You don't have to, you know. I'm perfectly happy to do Professor Snape's Potions homework for you...it takes a while to paraphrase, and I'm afraid I still don't have your handwriting down perfectly, but it's getting there, you know?

**Scorpius:** ...Why is it always the gentle ones that pay the price for everyone else's ambitions? Hmm? Er, I mean, I drowned recently and my memory's still a little foggy. I suspect inopportune timing, but I require some assistance. Why would I have anyone else do my homework for me when I'm perfectly happy to do it myself?

**Craig:** ...Because you hate doing homework. Jesus, I heard that brain damage could affect your personality, but this is just freakish.

**Scorpius:** ...Quite.

**Craig:** Meh, you're the Scorpion Death God, I'm sure you'll get over it eventually. Hey, I heard you were getting into more recent history? What're you doing with _A History of Magic?_ You know that doesn't go beyond the nineteenth century, right?

_Pause. SCORPIUS looks at CRAIG a moment and then walks away. CRAIG exits, sniggering._

_After a moment, SCORPIUS returns with a frown._

**Scorpius:** He is alive, I see. Severus Snape...is alive. HOW THE FRELL IS _SEVERUS SNAPE_ OF ALL PEOPLE STILL FRELLING ALIVE!?


	13. Act 3 Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING: This Chapter Includes One Blatant Spoiler For Crimes Of Grindelwald That Would Only Be A Spoiler If You Avoid Watching Trailers And Reading Subsequent Articles About Them, And One Really Large Spoiler For The Movie Itself That I've Deliberately Kept Vague But Still Might Bother Some People:** _Farscape, Firefly, Catherine,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Airplane!, Mulan,_ a brilliant observation by Dracarot, and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling who despite many, _many_ questionable decisions as of late still managed to create one of my favorite fictional romantic relationships of all time and I illustrate exactly why here.

ACT THREE, SCENE FIVE  
HOGWARTS, POTIONS CLASSROOM

_SCORPIUS runs into the Potions classroom, slamming back the door. SEVERUS MOTHERFUCKING SNAPE looks back at him._

**Scorpius:** Frell me dead. We did it, We saved someone. This is without description, Professor.

**Snape:** Language, Malfoy, I don't care what others call you, a god is nothing to a non-believer.

**Scorpius:** Damn you're a badass. Bravo! Bravo! *claps* Magnificent! Encore! Encore, Professor!

**Snape:** And flattery will get you everywhere. As long as you have a _point._

**Scorpius:** This point — it needs to be sharp, but not so spindly that it is weak. Erm...Well, I've got like a million questions, so...

**Snape:** Well I am a fucking teacher, so...

**Scorpius:** That is true Professor. But you do know where to obtain the knowledge! Doesn't take an Einstein to figure _that_ out, huh? Now then...not even gonna start with an explanation as to how I know, just tell me whether or not you're still technically following Dumbledore's orders.

**Snape:** Why should I? He's dead. Professor Umbridge is headmistress now.

**Scorpius:** ...Yeah, why is that again? She famously hates children, and you were doing fine as headmaster that one year you had the gig, surprisingly. I would have thought she would be happy at the Ministry, personally sending Mudbloods to get their souls sucked out or whatever. But I guess that'll never matter, since I meant the other thing. I've never met a _spy_...more resourceful, more tenacious. I know you used to snitch on the Death Eaters to Dumbledore and always answered to him in the end.

**Snape:** ...Dafuq brought this on?

**Scorpius:** This world means nothing to me. I see through its very existence. Ever heard of multiverse theory? Which this series suddenly supports since otherwise I'd be sixty-five right now and we'd still be working within the confides of stable time loops? I require your cooperation!

**Snape:** But you can't compel it. I'm sure there are some potions here that can help with oxygen deprivation-induced brain damage, can't believe no one's addressed this yet—

**Scorpius:** Incriminations can wait; we must act. Are you ready? Me and a friend — mule-headed, reckless, and probably brain-dead before I met him — stole a specialized Time-Turner that ignores all previous continuity. Out of all the people in our reality that died in our past, my friend decided to save some dude his father barely knew because he had hang-ups about being a “spare” and I went along to help with his daddy issues because he's my only friend. Instead of dying like he did in our world, Cedric Diggory lived — which was cool — but he's evidently given credence to the extremely poorly conceived notion that you get made fun of enough and it just turns you into a Nazi. In this case because this guy didn't win a tournament. I mean...what?

**Dracarot:** This is purely speculation, but what happened with Cedric may be Rowling taking out frustrations she had with her own friends during the period where Scotland was considering independence, which Rowling was vocally in opposition of at the time. Thinking they were decent people but seeing others spouse more nationalistic sentiments, those friends in turn voiced theirs and Rowling realized just how little she knew them. This in turn is reflected on Diggory showing what might lurk beneath the surface. (Whether Cedric would have had this in a Cursed Child where the world was more aligned with the more stable world imagined in 2007 is any guess). Again, pure speculation.

**iheartmwpp:** ... _Fuck_ that's a good theory, I'm including that. Though that _is_ assuming JKR had that level of involvement...

**Dracarot:** Yeah my theory is dependent on Rowling's role, but it could also depend on her lack of role. Thorne could have taken it in the direction he did for his own reasons and Rowling could have decided to just let him on the grounds I described.

**iheartmwpp:** Fair enough. And considering a certain character's actions in a certain recent movie that JKR did in fact write, maybe she had more involvement in the writing of this play than we thought for the exact reasons you describe, or was possibly inspired to go deeper into this concept than Thorne did. Which is incredibly fucking depressing considering that her latest writing has made me lose whatever remaining respect I had for that certain character (which had already been pretty fucking squandered in the beginning for other repulsive reasons), though I suppose that was the point. So congratulations, Jo. You did exactly what you set out to do, and I now hate someone I used to love. Thank you _so fucking_ much.

**Snape:** You two fuck off. To answer your question, Malfoy, Harry Potter won the Tournament. Don't ask me how, I guess he went up against an acromantula alone and won that fight, too, which makes very little sense...

**Scorpius:** Exactly. Cedric was supposed to help him out and they took the Cup/Portkey together and he was considered a “spare” and was killed because Voldemort only wanted Harry. We sabotaged him pretty thoroughly in both the first and the second task — you probably remember those outcomes and subsequent investigations, I'm surprised Harry wasn't disqualified, but then again Junior never would've allowed that to happen — and then that sabotage cause him to evidently pledge his loyalty to Voldemort? I guess? Because it _was_ unsuccessful. I mean, I've met his father, he seemed obsessed with having the perfect son, that pressure might've had a lot to do with it...but usually sympathy with the Nazi party indicates that something far more sinister was always lurking underneath in the first place. And Cedric Diggory did _not_ seem like the type for that. I've just been trying to figure out what he did in the Battle of Hogwarts specifically, everything seems mostly the same up until that point. Somehow. You'd think there'd be a few more consequences than that but you'd be wrong.

**Snape:** His actions in the Battle of Hogwarts didn't make the history books because who gives a _fuck_ whether or not Neville Longbottom lives or dies.

**Scorpius:** ... _LITERALLY EVERYONE!?_ Legit, in my reality, not only was he everyone's favorite teacher to the extent that we never bothered to talk about him or showcase him onstage so he could actually be terrible for all anyone knows, but he was actually instrumental in Voldemort's defeat! The secret to victory! The violent path to peace! Did Dumbledore ever give you that speech about Voldemort suddenly getting super defensive when it came to his snake? That was kind of an important detail! Neville killed Nagini, distracting and weakening Voldemort, and that's how he was defeated! Since Nagini's still alive, presumably, it's been twenty-two years and I don't know how long snakes that used to be human women that also had a chunk of soul attached to them live — Merlin, she'd be well over a century by now, what even is — anyway, if she's still alive, then that means so is Voldemort! Which...speaking of Nagini, how the frell are _you_ still alive.

**Snape:** Are you threatening me now? Have you become so mentally addled now that you would attack your teachers?

_SCORPIUS thinks and then plays his final, desperate act._

**Scorpius:** I know the reason Dumbledore trusted you, the reason Voldemort was never able to understand and therefore never truly suspected you. You're a most...interesting spy. You were in love with Lily Potter neé Evans, to the point of creepy obsessive love that the internet is still arguing about to this day and will continue to argue about after. And because of this obsession, you agreed to attempt to keep alive the boy who has her eyes — which now makes me think this was a bad idea since because Harry's been dead for ages you really don't have a reason to be working _not_ for Voldemort — aside from the fact that he still murdered Lily and I bet you're still super salty about that okay found my answer never mind.

_SNAPE says nothing, overwhelmed._

Only Dumbledore knew about that, yes? Until you gave Harry your memories right before you died in my reality so he'd do the thing Dumbledore wanted him to do — which he appeared to have done here and then some. Harry has since spread the word about what you did and why, which I'm sure you never wanted, but Harry felt so much survivor's guilt over the war that he basically tried to teach others about forgiveness through you as kind of a plea for others, including himself, to one day forgive him.

_SNAPE looks at SCORPIUS — where was he looking before, at his watch — unsure what's going on. Is this a trick? He quite seriously doesn't know shit._

**Snape:** Harry Potter is dead, just like both Voldemort and Dumbledore wanted.

**Scorpius:** In my world, he got better. I don't know if he did here and then was killed again or if he decided to board a train in this version. _Boy would I like to know that outcome._ *grins* Apologies, Professor, apologies. Always easy to get lost in one's memories. But back to that whole forgiveness thing — he took that attempt to the next level and named his son — my best friend, by the way, the one I made the big mistake with — after you and Dumbledore both. He named him Albus _Severus_ Potter.

_SNAPE is stopped even though he wasn't moving. And if he was we were not informed._

**Snape:** And how did — Albus's mother feel about this?

**Scorpius:** Well, A, Ginny once named an owl Pigwidgeon, so pretty much everyone didn't want her responsible for the name. B, I have a feeling she knew you'd be deeply uncomfortable if not outright disgusted by the choice because it's still a descendant of James Potter, which probably went a long way to having her agree to it. Convinced?

_SNAPE nods appreciatively._

Help me, Professor! Please — Albus also has Lily's eyes. Help me get him back.

_SNAPE thinks._

**Snape:** ...Beg.

**Scorpius:** I beg you.

**Snape:** That's not good enough, say please.

**Scorpius:** Please.

**Snape:** Pretty please.

**Scorpius:** Pretty please.

**Snape:** With a cherry on top.

**Scorpius:** With a cherry on top.

**Snape:** ...Happy birthday. Now get outta my way.

_He then walks up to SCORPIUS, taking out his wand as he does. SCORPIUS steps back, scurred. SNAPE fires his wand at the door._

Colloportus!

_An invisible lock slams into place. SNAPE opens a hatch at the back of the classroom._

We doing this or not?

**Scorpius:** You're quite a well-traveled spy. But in order to establish the next location, where exactly are we going?

**Snape:** Until this area's destroyed as well? It's an underground bunker of sorts set near the Whomping Willow. Which you'd think would've been destroyed by now since Wormtail would've told Voldemort about all the secret passageways and had them done away with — shit, we never find out whether or not he's dead in this universe either, that sucks. Ah well, come on, we got people to meet.

**Scorpius:** Ooooh, which people? Who else survived? Shall we join them?

**Snape:** Can...Can you not wait a single, scene, Merlin...

ACT THREE, SCENE SIX  
CAMPAIGN ROOM

_SCORPIUS is pinned to the table by a magnificent-looking HERMIONE. Her clothes faded, her eyes blazing, she is full warrior now and my brain instantly screams Gina Torres as seen in_ Firefly. _I am okay with this image._

**Hermione:** You make one move and your brain will be a frog and your arms will be rubber.

**Snape:** Bitch back the fuck up, he's good people.

**Scorpius:** So little trust about.

**Snape:** How many more Snape/Hermione fics have been written based on this exchange, I wonder.

**Hermione:** You're suggesting there could possibly be more to write.

**Snape:** Yes, but this particular string of dialogue could be used as evidence of either unresolved sexual tension or arguing like an old married couple. But seriously, Scorpius is really nice now.

**Scorpius:** Snape informs me you've been experiencing some setbacks. In fact — I'm the only one who can help you now. The means to our different goals...may the the same, Hermione.

_HERMIONE looks at SCORPIUS, still very distrustful._

**Hermione:** Only those close to me call me that. _You_ can call me Granger, as there's no way I would ever trust you.

**Scorpius:** That's secondary at this point. This _is_ literally all my fault, after all. Well, more Albus's, but I could've tried to stop him a little more than not at all. I also know that if my mission fails, _your_ mission becomes irrelevant as do you. If you don't trust me now...then we're all as good as dead.

**Hermione:** You sure he's on our side, Snape? 'Cause it's just like a Death Eater in training to paint Dumbledore in a negative light—

**Snape:** Please, like he needed help with that. And he didn't mean that Albus.

_RON runs in. His hair spiked. His clothes scruffy. He is slightly less good at the rebel look than Hermione._

**Ron:** Oh, hey, Snape. Thought it was someone important— *sees Scorpius and gets scurred* How have you lot not hexed him yet, why isn't he tied up or something!

_He fumbles out his wand._

This could destroy everything, you realize that, right?

_He...realizes his wand is the wrong way...and turns it right okay I now understand the problem everyone else had with him in the rest of this play. Methinks Thorne spent a little too much time watching the films and checking the wiki for minute details rather than spend his time *shudders*_ reading, _we wouldn't want anyone to get a decent grasp on how the character was meant to be, now would we._

The fuck is wrong with me today, did _I_ suffer brain damage from some spell or other, did the brain tank incident still happen, did that fuck me up _more,_ what do...

**Snape:** He's on our side, Ro...nope, not doing first names with you, you can't make me. He's on our side, _Weasley._

_RON looks at HERMIONE, who nods._

**Ron:** See, in this instance it actually kind of makes sense to use Dumbledore in place of god and/or Merlin as his memory's been one of the few things keeping us going the past couple decades.

ACT THREE, SCENE SEVEN  
CAMPAIGN ROOM  
AGAIN

_HERMIONE is sitting studying the Time-Turner as RON tries to digest it all._

**Ron:** So in your timeline...Dumbledore is killed by Snape, who is killed by Nagini, who is killed by Neville, making Neville the most powerful wizard in the world by default? And also his greatest achievement now leaves a really bad taste in the mouth now that everyone knows that he killed an Asian woman and everyone's sort-of-not-really-joking about it having been a hate crime?

**Hermione:** Yes, Ron, that is exactly what he just finished describing to us. Though I think it would only be considered a hate crime if he had specifically killed Nagini for her race, and none of us knew she even used to be human let alone Korean until a few months ago...It was still kind of murder-y, though, I mean at least Harry chose to die for our sins.

**Ron:** And we should take him at his word because...?

**Hermione:** He knows too much. Like, _way_ too much.

**Ron:** Has Legilimency never crossed your minds!?

**Scorpius:** Doubtful. And unnecessary. My price is not high. I remind you — I came to you, voluntarily. Your infantile obsession with betrayal is misplaced, Ron! I am not that good at magic! Though I do believe that I have a decent grasp of what I'm doing, but I'd really appreciate the assistance of competent adults, especially ones who have proven their competency through sheer survival.

**Ron:** Boy is _that_ an ego boost, though it might be through more luck than skill. We're sort of all that's left of the DA and the Order combined. Which sort of directly implies that I'm the last Weasley. You'd think I'd be more cut up about that, but at least I still have Herm...I still have my legacy as a wanted man! Fifteen thousand galleons on my head, that's not bad, eh?

**Snape:** *dryly* Granger's bounty's twenty-five.

**Ron:** You know what, Snivellus—

**Hermione:** Both of you shut up, I wanna hear more about what could've been.

**Scorpius:** Uh, Voldemort's dead along with a bunch of others — Bellatrix is a confirmed kill, Fenrir got a crystal ball smashed over his skull but no one's really clear on whether or not that was enough to kill him — er — loads of other people die but they're not important enough to get a mention even though some of them reproduced before they kicked it but who cares...the rest of you lived reasonably happily ever after. Dad's job's never really specified beyond “we're rich Malfoys” but Harry — who died but came back, I _still_ don't know what happened in this reality and that will never stop bugging me — he became head of...well, the Auror office, I don't know quite if he became the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Of course, that was before this play came out, so I guess when Hermione was bumped up from that job to Minister for Magic Harry stepped in to fill that gap. Still don't know what happened to Kingsley, no one will tell us. Well. That's...hardly sporting, is it?

_HERMIONE stops, surprised by this, she looks up with a smile._

**Hermione:** I'm Minister for Magic?

**Ron:** *wants to join the fun* Dude that's awesome. Do I get a cool job?

**Scorpius:** You work at Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, and I think that's pretty cool. No contest!

**Ron:** ...I thought I was an Auror.

_SCORPIUS looks at RON's hurt face._

**Scorpius:** You were for a little while. But you stopped and went to help George since — sorry — since Fred died. I think it was a combination of that and possibly some PTSD from the war, which I'm sure Harry also had but you never had his crushing sense of duty so it was easier for you to leave. Also you have two kids. Now which mission...do you think is more vital?

**Ron:** Oooooh, tell me they have a hot mum.

**Hermione:** *bristles* Oh I see. So basically, you're going to take the best-looking girl who'll have you, even if she's completely horrible?

**Ron:** Er — yeah, that sounds about right.

**Scorpius:** *in awe* So that's what GoF is meant to sound like...Also, _she's_ the best-looking girl who'll have you, and from what I've seen she's not at all horrible. And perhaps...now that you know what to expect...you can discover exactly what went wrong here.

_The two look up, astonished._

Yep. Married. Two kids. Ron is apparently very physically affectionate and misses Hermione sometimes when she's away at the Ministry too long. Hermione is only slightly annoyed at the idea of him putting stink pellets in her office on occasion. And for some reason, in the other reality, Ron married Padma and you taught Defense. The common interpretation is that you basically turned into Snape — bitter over the fact that you didn't get the prize you sought after and taking your bitterness out on your students when often they had nothing to do with anything. And yet people look down on you way more for making the exact same behavioral decisions and have a host of flimsy excuses as to why it's different. _I wonder why that is._ *shakes head* Point is, you're a fuckton of people's OTP, for reasons that should be obvious — you complete each other. Some people say that you find that romantic “spark” when you encounter someone who compensates for your own flaws. By doing so, you can find an idealized version of a personality completely opposite to yours, through a romantic relationship. I think finding love with someone who compensates for your flaws is a pretty solid explanation for things. Certain? No. Confident...yes. Hermione gets Ron to think a little more deeply about things and Ron gets Hermione to laugh a little more. Yes you argue a lot but rarely is it malicious and you always have some kind of common ground to fall back on. Those who think that a real relationship will never once involve any fighting have never had any kind of relationship in their lives; when two different personalities collide, not everything is going to perfectly line up. Any relationship, whether it be romantic, platonic, or familial, will always necessitate some kind of compromise, and all that matters is the amount of work you're willing to put in in order to maintain it. The two of you are an incredible gateway to understanding that, even if the person who created you can't always see the good she's done. But then again, she's said herself that she's not great at romance.

_HERMIONE and RON both look at each other and then look away. And then RON looks back. RON clears his throat repeatedly. With less conviction each time._

**Hermione:** Close your mouth when you're looking at me, Weasley.

_RON does so. Though he remains discombobulated. Namely because how did she know his mouth was open if she wasn't looking at him, since one's mouth does not have to be open while clearing one's throat and in fact often isn't._

So what's Snape up to in your reality.

**Snape:** ...He's already said it several times, you idiots.

_He looks right at SCORPIUS, whose face drops. Just slides right the fuck onto the floor. SNAPE smiles thinly._

So? How fucking dead am I?

**Scorpius:** Death is the only sensible course, Professor. For everything there is a season: a time to be born and a time to die!

**Snape:** Radical. I know you briefly went over it earlier, but may I ask—?

**Scorpius:** Voldemort. With Nagini. In the Shrieking Shack. Insert joke about you being killed by a girl here. Which...still pretty fucking curious as to how you escaped that fate this time around. I mean, did you still kill Dumbledore? Did you and/or Dad still disarm him? Did the Elder Wand still not completely work for him? Wouldn't he still think killing you would grant him power over it? WHAT CHANGED, TELL ME!

**Snape:** No, I'm still too hung up over the fact that I died in the Shrieking Shack after all. I mean... _fuck._ I guess irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.

**Hermione:** Seriously, did we have a thing in this reality? 'Cause I'm, like, _super_ nice to you. Despite the boys going back _after_ the “I see no difference” comment. I mean, I'm sure that _I_ am capable of letting go of a grudge — the cordial relationship I share with Draco in other realities kind of point to that — but I imagine spending so much time with someone who outright _refuses_ to let go of grudges and who never grew up when he was in his thirties so why should he when he's sixty would lessen that desire considerably. Unless I just wanted to prove that I was better than him, which obviously isn't that hard...

_SNAPE looks at her, and then swallows the pain. Whether from that sick burn or the fact that he's fucking dead is not a hundred percent clear. He indicates RON with a flick of his head._

**Snape:** Well at least I'm not chained to that ginger fuck.

**Ron:** Please, you know you want me.

**Hermione:** Getting back to the matter at hand—

**Ron and Scorpius:** Why, what's the matter with your—

**Hermione:** *hexes both of them into a wall* During your colossal fuck-up, which spells did you use?

**Scorpius:** Remember the time Cedric lost his wand in the first task and then when he was sent flying in the second one? Humor me: what spells do you _think_ were used?

**Hermione:** Summoning and Levitation with Engorgement for comedic effect.

**Ron:** Those fireworks were a nice touch to get me and Padma to break up. 'Course everyone thought it was Fred and George and no one else took it seriously, us least of all.

**Scorpius:** Oooh! Fireworks. I forgot about those. Also bugger that they didn't work. But no, it was just Disarming and Engorgement. No I don't know how that equaled Cedric becoming lighter either. And no I don't know what Albus did to make the fireworks happen.

**Ron:** Meh, Shield Charms should still take care of the lot.

**Snape:** Was that it? Did you really come straight back after that?

**Hermione:** Without aging at all?

**Scorpius:** I'm aware of that...but perhaps you should attempt to remain focused on your more immediate tasks first. I should be sixty-five right now, but other than altering events in the most basic and poorly-explored ways, there aren't any real consequences to using it. Five minutes and you're out. That's everything I recall. It's incomplete...but it should be enough to put us on the correct track. This is the only probable course, guys!

**Hermione:** And can you still only move in time, not space?

**Scorpius:** ...Obviously. It's not a frelling T.A.R.D.I.S., Doctor Who's laws of time are much more flexible by design, whereas our laws...well, they _were_ much more solidly hammered out...I suspect the alternate timeline thing can conceivably happen beyond Croaker's five-hour rule, or at least that's how it can be interpreted to no longer follow the rules of a stable time loop. All modern research...points to the elasticity of time, rather than a brittle framework.

**Hermione:** Can it be corrected?

**Scorpius:** Mm. If nudged closely enough to course, events have a way of restructuring themselves. If the participants are the same, the venue's the same, the motivations the same then well, the outcome is likely to be the same.

**Hermione:** ...Now my brain is even _more_ in pain, 'cause I have more context to not understand.

_SNAPE and HERMIONE both know what this means. Fuck RON, he's just shitty comic relief and will never make a larger contribution to anything ever._

**Snape:** M'kay. I'll go with the boy. I'm dead anyway.

**Hermione:** I'm going with, we all should've died years ago.

**Snape:** Did you forget the part where you have to go outside where all the dementors are in order to do the thing? _I_ can go out safely. You cannot.

**Hermione:** Harry taught us all the Patronus Charm — and Malfoy here just gave us _very_ good memories to work with—

**Snape:** And you don't think that'll attract other, more human adversaries who could also easily subdue the lot of us? And now for a refresher of what the Dementor's Kiss is.

**Hermione:** We're not students anymore, _Severus,_ we know what the Kiss is. And who gives a shit, this is a chance to literally make a better world for everyone; I'm not gonna let this opportunity slip away.

_She nods at RON, who pulls down a map. Whether or not it's the Marauder's Map is not a hundred percent clear._

The first task of the tournament took place at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. We'll turn time here, get to the tournament, block the spell, and return safely, never mind the fact that this room might not have actually existed twenty-six years ago and we'd spend those five minutes suffocating in dirt and tangled in roots. Sometimes I'm super wrong. If I say shit enough, I'll eventually be super right.

**Scorpius:** ...You are unfit for duty by any measure.

**Hermione:** We won't use Dissilusionment Charms either, oh no, that would be too intelligent. The point is that we hide in _this_ time, not the other one. Still, I seem oddly concerned with not showing our _faces,_ never mind the fact that the dementors are, y'know, _blind._ But then we'll turn time again here, run out to the lake, and stop the second task reversal from happening.

**Scorpius:** But if you just block Albus Disarming Cedric, then we'll go back to a time when Ron didn't marry Padma and there would've been no incentive to go back and fix things. Unacceptable.

**Ron:** Uh-huh, and what about Albus's fanatical desire to bring Cedric back? All you would've done is set the Yule Ball back to normal, which admittedly might've brought me and Hermione closer together and ensured I didn't do anything with Padma beyond bringing her to the Ball and then ignoring her, but aside from that...

**Scorpius:** Ah, fair point. So be it.

**Snape:** Yeah but we could all still die horribly—

**Hermione:** So? This could ensure that Harry lives, that Voldemort doesn't, that the Augurey is potentially done away with, and I am willing to die for the chance that all or at least most of my friends live again.

**Ron:** I know I don't have any lines here, but I'd like most of my family back as well and would easily die if it meant getting them back.

**Scorpius:** Your bravery is convincing. Though I'm sort of curious about who or whatever this Augurey is that I keep hearing about, I'm guessing you're not just talking about the bird, so what—

**Hermione:** Shut up, the adults are talking. About effectively killing one of our oldest and greatest allies.

**Snape:** Hermione. I have wanted to die since I was twenty-one years old. I'm long-past ready.

_The two look at each other, SNAPE nods, HERMIONE nods back, SNAPE's face crumbles slightly._

Fuck, that got dark, didn't it.

**Hermione:** *grimaces* Yeah, let's just get on with it, shall we?

_She turns to SCORPIUS, she indicates the Time-Turner, she would have more regard for sentence structure than whatever this is._

Despite the fact that I was fiddle-fucking with it earlier, I demand that you gimme.

_SCORPIUS brings her the Time-Turner._

**Scorpius:** I offer it for your use. Do you know what this is?

**Hermione:** ...Our last hope, I guess?

**Scorpius:** Do you know what to do with it? Because it apparently works differently than your old one did. Would you like to observe the sequence?

**Hermione:** Pfft, what?

_She smiles at it, excited to use a Time-Turner again, excited to break every promise she ever made when using the last one because fuck it, this reality isn't worth preserving. Okay...hitting a little too close to home there..._

OKEY-DOKEY, LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!

_She takes the Time-Turner. And does nothing to actually activate it, not that she would know how anyway._

_Flashes and bangs and shit._

_Usual purple prose nonsense that indicates we're going back in time again, it has not changed._

_They are doing the thing. Wow._


	14. Act 3 Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Currently Rewatching Farscape With The Father Person And It Is So Frelling Refreshing To Watch An Actual Slytherin Scorpius At Work You Have No Frelling Idea Why Wasn't This One In Ravenclaw:** _The Lion King (1994), Naruto,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Hamilton, The Simpsons, We're Back: A Dinosaur Story, Archer, The Lord of the Rings, Doctor Who,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling who I'm fairly certain created Cedric Diggory to be a decent person and not Thorne's real-life foreshadowing that the easiest way to turn someone into a Nazi is apparently to bully them a little, which is why the Nevilles and Lunas and Hermiones of the world...don't become Nazis because in order to identify with Nazis there has to be something broken inside if you to start with so why would Cedric be like that why would _anyone_ be like that why the fuck is this a thing fuck the new movie I really think I fucking hate it.

ACT THREE, SCENE EIGHT  
EDGE OF THE FORBIDDEN FOREST

_You know that thing where, if you turn two pages at once by accident and the pages before and after start and end a sentence perfectly, you don't feel like you've missed anything? I did that the first time I read OotP and completely missed most of HARRY's talk about JAMES with SIRIUS and REMUS, and I almost did it to this entire scene while writing this parody. Whoopsidoodle._

_ANYWAY! Act two, scene seven is evidently playing out again while we watch from the back this time. We pick out ALBUS and presumably another blond kid standing in for SCORPIUS in their Durmstrang robes as they try to blend in amongst all the Hogwarts robes. What the_ fuck _was Delphi's plan. And through it all we hear the “brilliant” (his words again, his words, who gives a FUCK, what are you EVEN DOING right now, it's SHIT LIKE THIS that makes those who only read the play think that it's bad and you are bad, characters don't influence a narrative_ that _fucking much, you fucking hack) LUDO BAGMAN._

**Ludo Bagman:** And Cedric Diggory has entered the stage. Not this stage, though — you have to admit that shit would be pretty difficult for a live play, this isn't the fucking _Lion King_ here. And I'm supposed to be pretty vague on what's happening so as to make the other three champions who can't see shit freak out more — also I can apparently hear the girls in the audience screaming: Don't damage our Diggory, Mr. Dragon. First off, he's not your fucking property, and second, fun fact: All these dragons are female. I should know this, having helped set shit up. It's meant to heighten the whole “Mothers would die for their young” thing this series has always tried to push, though that's always been truer in the wild than in humans, so...And Cedric whips out his wand — not meant as a euphemism, folks — see I got to the dick joke before you so now I'm safe—

**Snape:** I knew we shouldn't've done it in the campaign room—we spent too much time digging our way out and now it's almost time to leave.

**Ludo Bagman:** —and boy can I not stop talking about how handsome he is, I know he's of age now but I'm fairly sure he doesn't swing that way, so that's a little worrying—

_As ALBUS attempts to summon Cedric's wand, which considering he disarmed him what exactly are you trying to do here, HERMIONE blocks his spell. He looks at his wand, now back to feeling bad about his lack of prowess, especially under pressure. I am so fucking bored right now._

_And then the Time-Turner spins and they look at it and panic as they're pulled into it. As to which group of time travelers this is referring to as normally it's more specific, I wouldn't know, I HAVEN'T FUCKING SEEN IT._

A dog — he's transfigured a stone into a dog — fuck Weasley's input in breaking down what happened to Harry later, we need to make him as insignificant as possible — I am...I'm not saying any of this shit. He likes it doggy-style, there's your joke, bam, I'm out, I'm fucking done, fuck you, fuck this task, fuck everything.

ACT THREE, SCENE NINE  
EDGE OF THE FORBIDDEN FOREST

_They are returned from time, at the edge of the woods, hence the fucking setting, and RON is in a lot of pain. SNAPE looks around, immediately aware of the mess they're in._

**Ron:** Merlin's shiny new toaster, did I get fucking splinched again or what, why is this happening.

**Hermione:** Fuck, why does it only affect some people but not others?

**Snape:** Uhh...

**Scorpius:** No idea, but it affected Albus, too. He was out for a full twenty-four hours. Which I probably should have reminded him of before going back the second time, huh...No matter. The task is almost complete. It wasn't easy.

**Ron:** AND YA COULDN'TA _LED_ WITH THAT INFO!?

**Hermione:** Well you're still conscious for now, so try to stand so we can move you to someplace safe...

_RON does stand up — evidently with no help from HERMIONE or SCORPIUS because they just care ever so much about him — shouting in pain. SNAPE raises his wand._

**Scorpius:** Guys, we haven't got much time. Remind me again why nothing changed?

**Hermione:** 'Cause you two still fucked up the second task so horribly for Cedric that while he lived I imagine his father showed so much disgust at his humiliation that that played a large part in turning him to the arms of Voldemort in his effort to make _some_ sort of male authority figure happy with him. Maybe. It's literally the only thing I can think of that makes the tiniest amount of sense, and I needed to think of it in order for my brain to continue to function.

**Ron:** If you're right, which you're you so you probably are, why does everything always go back to daddy issues, there are other problems people have, is this the only one a male writer is capable of covering, 'cause that seems to be the implication here...

**Hermione:** Hey, hashtag not all male writers. _Definitely_ this one, though...Also again with the implication that one bad experience can just turn you into a Nazi. The fuck, that's not how that works, I don't care if it happened at least twice in this series. So far...

**Snape:** Guys? We're outside. Where all the dementors are.

**Ron:** Shit. Can we hurry it up with the time machine, we can run over to the lake in less than five minutes, can't we? Or can we, it does seem a little far...

**Snape:** We need to get inside. Walls will mute our screams from the rest of the castle.

_Suddenly from around the auditorium, the feel of the breath of an icy wind._

_The same description for dementors showing up in the audience is repeated verbatim here, I don't wanna copy/paste, that takes effort._

**Hermione:** ...Still kinda confused as to how a little dirt was able to shield me from them for so long — wouldn't they be able to sense me regardless?

**Snape:** Shut up and shit yourself with the rest of us.

**Hermione:** *realizes what she has to do* Welp. I'm their target. You three go on ahead. Especially you, Ron. We should've boned way earlier. I'm sorry. Now fucking go.

**Ron:** Wait, what?

**Scorpius:** I don't know why? But I really, really, really, really like these R/Hr sections. I think that's 'cause it's R/Hr. I think that's my favorite part. You never cease to amaze me, you two.

**Ron:** Were you serious about the boning thing?

**Hermione:** Yes. And I want to live a world where we did bone. Even if it means that this version of me isn't around to see it.

**Scorpius:** Your command begs question. Can we do without the Gryffindor self-sacrificing bravado for one frelling plotline!? And it's been, what, eight minutes? I think we should go over what the Dementor's Kiss does again.

**Hermione:** Merlin's plastic light saber, this really is _Naruto._ Fucking flashbacks, now I'm _really_ okay with losing my soul. Get the fuck outta my sight.

_The dementors sense them. From all sides, screaming shapes descend...but why would they be screaming? Do RON, HERMIONE, and SNAPE's worst memories involve screaming? In SNAPE's we know there was some yelling, but..._

**Snape:** ...Yep, I'm nope-ing the fuck outta here.

_He pulls on SCORPIUS's arm. SCORPIUS reluctantly goes with him._

**Hermione:** ...Fucking go?

**Ron:** Oh no, I'm in such pain, I couldn't possibly move. *smiles* 'Course, even if I could...heh. _Expecto—_

_As he reaches up to cast the spell, HERMIONE stops his arm._

**Hermione:** Let's keep them here and give the boy the best chance we can.

_RON looks at her in utter confusion._

**Ron:** ...By holding them off with a Patronus or two, yeah, that's what I was doing. Like, we hold them off as long as we can, and then they kiss us, and by that point Snape and Malfoy would've hopefully saved reality. A group of words I'd never thought I'd string together but there you go.

**Hermione:** Please, you know how complicated it'd be to have Patronuses work onstage? We've got to have some kind of excuse to not do that.

**Ron:** Fuck my ass, that's terrible.

**Hermione:** Wait, is that actually terrible? Think about it.

**Ron:** ...Yes! Snape's gonna conjure one in like two fucking seconds!

**Hermione:** Shut up and let us fantasize about our daughter.

**Ron:** And a son. I liked that idea too. Meant you slept with me more than once.

_He looks around — he knows his fate._

Yo we gon' die.

**Hermione:** Yep. Wanna snog?

_RON thinks — WHY WOULD HE THINK — and then nods. And then the two are yanked apart. And pinned to the ground. And we watch as two dementors lower their hoods and clamp their freakish mouths over RON and HERMIONE's — wait. No. No that's not right. That would involve reading. And why do that when you can watch the films and copy what happened to SIRIUS at the end of PoA, I mean, that's the closest adaptation anyway, right, so why the fuck_ not _do that._

_SCORPIUS watches — helpless._

**Snape:** ...Okay, that happened, back to the lake. Slowly, though, you don't want to be seen acting suspicious.

_SNAPE looks at SCORPIUS._

Dude, calm your shit, the dementors may be blind but they can still sense you. Which is why we've been able to stay under their radar by cowering under a few feet of dirt.

_SCORPIUS looks at SNAPE._

**Scorpius:** I just witnessed the most horrible thing possible in the magical world. I think I'm allowed to feel traumatized. Are you?

_A dementor swoops down low over them and settles in front of SCORPIUS._

**Snape:** Yes, quite a fair bit, and usually it's not healthy to bury your feelings, but when the outcome to not doing so is _the exact same fucking fate,_ I think a little repression is perfectly reasonable.

**Scorpius:** I propose...an exchange of information. You see, you are no longer reading a book where you can be told things within the narrative that would describe how I'm feeling, so rather than showcase it visually even though the films proved it was possible, I'm just going to scream descriptions at you. I'M COLD. I CAN'T SEE. IT'S FOGGY AROUND ME AND INSIDE ME.

**Snape:** ...Lovely. Listen. I am a teacher at this hallowed school, which may or may not be a step down from the headmaster I may or may not have been. We will never explore why I was demoted or why I never left the castle. You are a Scorpion Death God. I know you're not really but work with me on this. Just think of a wonderful thought — any happy little thought. Preferably a person — I find that to be easier to focus on, then happy memories can be formed around them.

**Scorpius:** What, find a reason to live? Okay, no problem, I'll just think of my mother. Who died just over a year ago. This was a bad choice.

**Snape:** Fuck, your life still sucks there too, huh? Okay, uh, your father?

**Scorpius:** Is even more miserable than I am...We're nearly finished, Professor.

**Snape:** ...I think of Lily, who's your assigned love interest?

**Scorpius:** WE ERASED ROSE LAST TIME WHAT IF SHE'S STILL ERASED BY THE TIME WE GET BACK. GOOD-BYE, THEN, ROSE. I'LL MISS YOU.

**Snape:** Funny, the way you kept going on about Potter's son I would've thought...That's it! Albus! Think of your bestest friendly-friend/possible other love interest!

_SCORPIUS is helpless. Down for the count and he's drowning in all the dementors are making him feel._

Come on, man, work with me. Think of all the good times you had together. Think of all the porn people will write staring you two while pointing to this scene as evidence even though when Potter thought of Weasley and Granger at the beginning of OotP not nearly as many people began writing threesome fics. Look — Lily died in large part because of me — I was the who pointed the Dark Lord, which we all should've been calling him instead of Voldemort this whole time, in her direction. And there is a vague chance that, through prolonged exposure to Granger that even more porn will be written about, maybe I no longer think that Lily was the only decent Muggle-born in existence anymore. Maybe, just maybe, hashtag not all Mudbloods.

_SCORPIUS smiles at SNAPE. He steps decisively away from the dementor._

**Scorpius:** There are so many things that...I want to say to my family and friends...like how I went from being the most bullied kid in the school to the most popular kid in the school. That part was neat. The part where I have to take part in the slaughter of untold thousands if I want to continue living the good life is less neat. Also my mum's still dead and suddenly my dad's a physically abusive piece of dren of a man. I'll be going back to the version that doesn't violently grab my head, thanks.

_Suddenly DOLORES UMBRIDGE emerges in front of them._

**Umbridge:** Professor Snape!

**Snape:** Dafuq did you get here so quick.

**Scorpius:** She must've Apparated!

**Snape:** That's bullshit, Malfoy! You can't Apparate inside of Hogwarts, right?

**Random Audience Member:** Right!

**Snape:** Right! Damn it! *kicks a dementor in the face*

**Scorpius:** Well done.

**Umbridge:** Yo we caught that filthy Mudblood Granger.

**Snape:** I know, we just saw, it was...awesome to witness.

_UMBRIDGE is staring at SNAPE. He looks back. Because they are talking to each other. That is generally considered normal human behavior._

**Umbridge:** ...And what exactly were you doing down here?

**Snape:** Young Master Malfoy here discovered some old lore about there being a tunnel under the Whomping Willow. I told him that it had been collapsed decades ago as per Pettigrew's instructions — and how is the old bean anyway, I haven't seen him in ages — but he was still curious so I took him out here. Which, quite obviously, turned out to be the correct decision, as we were able to flush the bitch and her would-be ginger fuckboi out of hiding once and for all.

**Umbridge:** ...Bet you wish he'd said any variation of that, eh?

**Scorpius:** Effectively, yes.

**Snape:** Dolores, we're late for class, so if you'll excuse us...

**Umbridge:** Oh, Severus? The castle's that way, you silly! There's nothing down that hill but the lake! What, are you going to give him swimming lessons? Because while it is quite believable that he would need them...it's not quite believable enough.

_There's a moment of pure silence. And then SNAPE does something highly unusual, for him, not for this situation, I don't think he's ever been described as this except maybe during the Prince's Tale at best — he smiles._

**Snape:** How long have you known.

**Umbridge:** Few years or so.

**Snape:** Dolores, you should've told me.

**Umbridge:** I wrote to the Augurey a month ago.

**Snape:** No.

**Umbridge:** I begged her to kill your face.

**Snape:** You should've told me.

_UMBRIDGE rises off the ground. She opens her arms wide, full of Dark Magic. She takes out her wand._

**Umbridge:** I'm not sorry. I knew you'd fight until—

_SNAPE is faster with his wand. Wonder how many times_ that _comes up like it's something to brag about._

**Snape:** Depulso!

_UMBRIDGE is propelled backward through the air._

Boring conversation anyway. Thinks she's so cool, I can fly too, you know! Bitch...

**Scorpius:** You have no idea how patient I have been for this moment. And to have that be it...You've cost me much, and I do not suffer disappointment well.

**Snape:** Oh shut up. Shit, we should probably hurry at this point.

_The sky turns even blacker around them. How._

Expecto patronum!

_SNAPE sends forward a Patronus, which is of course a beautiful white doe. A deer. A female deer._

**Scorpius:** How ingenious...There is no way this little tidbit of knowledge isn't known in my reality. Why am I surprised by this.

**Snape:** Yeah that's pretty weird. Frankly I'm surprised you don't know the spell itself, Granger covered it in the second reality, yes? Why aren't you at least attempting the incantation right now, even mist would help.

_Dementors start to appear all around them. SNAPE figures he's next._

Hey, remember that time McGonagall cast _three_ corporeal Patronuses? Or that one time Potter sent a hundred dementors scattering with just the one stag? Yeah, fuck that, you take my Patronus and run, Imma have my soul devoured. Maybe the thing that really only requires one dementor to accomplish will distract the lot of 'em so you can take a nice swim.

**Scorpius:** Yeah, just keep saying it, that'll make it suddenly make sense. Good-bye, Professor Snape. Thanks...for your memories.

_SNAPE looks at him, every inch a hero, is this declarative supposed to make me like him now, 'cause I don't, he's still an abusive possessive piece of shit, he softly smiles._

**Snape:** That was the corniest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life to the point that I'm fucking glad it's going to be over soon. Tell Albus Severus that his name is stupid. Now fucking go already.

_The doe looks back at SCORPIUS, and then starts to run._

_SCORPIUS thinks and then runs after the doe — you know, instead of “thinks,” Thorne really could have used “hesitates,” it would make his characters seem less pathetically stupid — and around him the world gets seven spoopy nine me. A bloodcurdling scream goes...goes up? What does that even mean, just say “is heard,” Merlin. He sees the lake and throws himself inside._

_SNAPE readies himself._

_SNAPE is pulled hard to the ground as a hoodless dementor clamps its mouth around — I mean and he's then pushed high into the air as his soul is ripped from him. That's how the_ Kiss _works now. And then there's more screaming or whatever, forgive me if I'm not too upset that a character I never really liked is basically dead again. You can feel free to cry, just understand that I won't._

_The doe turns to his literal soulless husk with beautiful eyes, and disappears. D'oh._

_There's the usual flash and bang that accompany time travel. And then silence. And then there's more silence. And then there is even more silence. And then there is a steep increase to the amount of silence the audience is experiencing at this particular moment._

_It's so still, it's so peaceful, it's so perfectly tranquil. Because none of this bullshit is happening anymore._

_And then — SCORPIUS ascends to the surface. Breathing deeply. I just noticed that there should probably be two of them now or something, holy fuck, think about it, when he went back to replace the other one who went back with ALBUS the other one didn't just disappear, how could he, did SCORPIUS_ kill _the other one or what. Don't correct me, that leads to accuracy. Anyway, whichever SCORPIUS is left looks around himself. Breathing even_ moar _deeply. He looks up at the sky, which I guess means they had to light the stage blue or something for this part of the scene._

_And then ALBUS ascends after him. There would've been a silence if it hadn't been for all the groaning at the fact that we have to deal with this shitheel again. SCORPIUS just looks at ALBUS, disbelieving. Both boys breathe in and out. Like they frankly should've been doing this entire play in order to live._

**Albus:** That happened!

**Scorpius:** …You. Holy frell.

**Albus:** Yo that was some crazy shit! When I pictured merpeople, I did _not_ expect them to be that gross, you know? Also didn't expect so many weird fish parts — think I'd prefer reverse merpeople, honestly...

**Scorpius:** We're back. A dinosaur story. Everything is finally under control.

**Albus:** So I don't think the Engorgement Charm worked. I looked over at you and you had your wand out—

**Scorpius:** Phrasing, BOOM!

**Albus:** Shut up, why did you have your wand out?

**Scorpius:** Faster delivery of pizzas. Why do you _think_ I had it out!? I was _helping_ you the first time we did this!

**Albus:** Wait, what do you mean first time—

_SCORPIUS hugs ALBUS in the water, a difficult task. It'd be hilarious if both of 'em drowned right now and it was all for nothing._

**Scorpius:** Welcome to _our_ world, baby. I can't believe everything's back to normal, or at least as normal as I can immediately identify—

**Albus:** AIR! Also what're you wearing.

**Scorpius:** I'm sorry, Albus, but you need to breathe deeply if you expect to live. And I dunno but it's making it hard to swim. *pulls off cloak* What tie are you wearing? BOOSH! YOU'RE SLYTHERIN AGAIN!

**Albus:** Considering you may have altered things to the point that I never experienced a reality where I was a Gryffindor, I'm just gonna shove that revelaiton aside in favor of asking whether or not we changed anything.

**Scorpius:** While it's not a hundred percent clear, I can safely determine that our parents lived at least until 2006 or neither of us would be here right now. And frankly, at the moment, I can live with that being the only thing I know. I've done what I thought necessary. You're entitled to despise me for it but nonetheless you and I have a common enemy.

_ALBUS looks at him — disbelieving._

**Albus:** You seem...happy at the idea that nothing we did made a difference.

**Scorpius:** Oh shut up, Albus, it's not presentation night, you ought to be thanking me.

**Albus:** For what?

**Scorpius:** For saving your life!

_He splashes hard in the water. ALBUS pulls himself out to the bank._

**Albus:** Scorpius, have you been at the Gaffer's old brew?

**Scorpius:** No! Well yes, but that's not the point. Cheer up, Albus. We both worked together to get nowhere.

**Albus:** *confuzzled* That's what it takes sometimes, kids...

_HARRY enters and sprints to the side of the water. Followed quickly by DRACO, GINNY, and PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL._

**Harry:** Albus! ARE YOU OKAY?

**Scorpius:** *overjoyed* I can't believe everyone's still alive. Hello, Dad. So good to see you again. Please tell me you're not a physically abusive shit anymore.

**Draco:** Wha— _No!_

**Albus:** What're you all doing here, anyway?

**Ginny:** Because Myrtle told on you.

**Albus:** All that shit still happened?

**Professor McGonagall:** Question for the time travelers: Does anything appear different to you?

_SCORPIUS immediately registers what they know. Because they just said it. With their words._

**Scorpius:** ...Oh no. It must've fallen to the bottom of the lake. Whatever shall we do. What a waste, wouldn't you say?

**Albus:** I have no idea what you're talking about.

**Scorpius:** The Time-Turner is no longer on my person! Gone. Gambled and lost. How unfortunate you must lose as well. I'm fairly certain an item like that can't be summoned so please don't search me and just take my word for it! I SWEAR I KNOW NOTHING! KNOW NOTHING!

**Albus:** *looks at Scorpius, deeply annoyed* Shut the fuck up, do you want to get in trouble?

**Harry:** How...How can you be this thick. Your mother just told you Myrtle told on you. Professor McGonagall mentioned time travel. _We fucking know, you idiot._ *shakes head* You have failed harder than anyone could ever fail, sir. I look up to your example daily.

**Professor McGonagall:** EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!


	15. Act 3 Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The Notebook I Got To Take Parody Notes On Crimes Of Grindelwald Is Already Halfway Full And I've Only Seen The Movie Once:** Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Farscape,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Hamilton, The Lion King (1994), Star Trek 3: The Search For Spock, Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back, Finding Nemo,_ Dangan Ronpa Abridged, _The Lord of the Rings,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling who _usually_ knows how to write her characters in such a way that doesn't piss me the fuck off, so I doubt much of this first bit was her idea...or at least that's what I thought until a few weeks ago...

ACT THREE, SCENE TEN  
HOGWARTS, HEADMISTRESS'S OFFICE

_DRACO, GINNY, and HARRY stand behind a contrite-looking ALBUS and a SCORPIUS who's just happy to be there. PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL is fuming._

**Professor McGonagall:** Okay. So while everyone is lamenting all of the horrible choices they made in life, let's review. You jumped off the Hogwarts Express, _somehow_ made your way back to the Ministry whereupon you used Polyjuice Potion to break in and steal from the Minister's office—

**Scorpius:** Yes, that exactly what we've just finished describing to you. No progress?

**Albus:** And security being so lax, I rather think we did the Ministry a favor by pointing out some of the flaws in its system—

**Professor McGonagall:** —after which you turned back time in order to save one person and wound up ensuring that two of your cousins, _minimum,_ were never fucking born, and that's just the damage you know of—

**Albus:** Still not a hundred percent sure I experienced that anymore — I don't understand, why are there consequences for my actions—

**Professor McGonagall:** While it's understandable that you would want to save your family members, you still felt it was necessary to continue to try and save someone who'd died decades before you were born in such a way that you ensured the murders of practically everyone that anyone ever knew and loved — probably, anyway — including your own father. Obviously your mother's whereabouts aren't important in that future even though Ron appeared to have been the last surviving Weasley but since when have women mattered in this story, especially mothers who haven't been shoved into the fridge.

**Ginny:** *is right the fuck there* Cheers, Professor.

**Professor McGonagall:** *dryly* Anyway, conglaturations on effectively causing the apocalypse. I'm sure you must be _so_ proud of yourselves.

**Scorpius:** *cheerfully* I should be ninety right now!

_ALBUS hesitates a moment. He looks at HARRY._

**Albus:** Sorry.

**Harry:** Professor, if I may—

**Professor McGonagall:** You may not. It is heavily implied that your idiotic actions of Act Two still occurred in this reality, however implausible your wishes would have been to carry out when these two live in the _same fucking dorm room._ No, you're leaving things to me this time.

**Draco:** I can live with this.

_HARRY looks at GINNY, who stands there demurely with the tiniest little shake of her pretty little head instead of a good talking to or better yet a good hex. This is what film-only knowledge does to established characters, folks._

**Professor McGonagall:** I should expel you, but... *looks at Harry* I shall not be repeating Dumbledore's mistake of sending a student back to an emotionally abusive environment when the evidence is staring me in the face. You'll be in detention for the rest of the year, and considering this may or may not still be September I'd say that seems like sound punishment. And I don't quite know what canceling Christmas entails but I'm sure we'll be able to work something out. Oh, and no Hogsmeade visits for the rest of your time as a student — not that Mr. Potter was ever able to go in the first place considering he burned his form but now he'll never have the chance again — and of course I'm not entirely sure if I'll be able to enforce that once you're of age and no longer need permission. And that's all I've got off the top of my head, get back to me later—

_Suddenly HERMIONE bursts in. All action and resolve._

**Hermione:** 'Ello, 'ello!

**Professor McGonagall:** *fiercely* I suppose that in all of the lessons you've ever learned, none of them included how to knock? I don't even think Fudge was this entitled.

_HERMIONE realizes she's overstepped. Good for her._

**Hermione:** ...Well that's good that nothing bad happened and I did nothing wrong the whole time.

**Professor McGonagall:** FUCK YOU. WHY DID YOU NOT DESTROY THE TIME-TURNER.

**Hermione:** Because there's still so much we don't know about time—

**Professor McGonagall:** THEN TURN IT OVER TO THE UNSPEAKABLES, DON'T KEEP IT IN A FUCKING _BOOKCASE_ GUARDED BY FLIMSIER PUZZLES THAN WHAT WAS USED BY _US_ DURING PS/SS!

**Hermione:** Look, Minerva... *everyone gasps* ...I outrank you, and—

**Professor McGonagall:** _YOUR CHILDREN DIDN'T FUCKING EXIST!_

_HERMIONE has no reply to that. This is the only sort of reaction she gets. That she has no reply. Not that she's horrified, or disgusted with herself, or that she's overcome with a momentary sense of grief at the imagined loss of her children...She just has no reply to that._ Stellar _writing, Thorne, what a_ brillant _job you've done in capturing these characters. *sigh* You know, the first time I read this, this was actually the bit that pissed me off most. Now? Add it to the fucking pile._

Like, this problem is literally all your fault, _Minister Granger._

**Hermione:** No shut up, guy.

**Draco:** Maybe it is, guys, maybe it is.

**Hermione:** Or maybe I'm a super nice guy, and you all got me wrong. Ehh...

**Professor McGonagall:** Nope. *composes herself for a moment* Look, I get that you wanted to prevent someone from dying. Still not sure why, once you realized the time limit, you didn't leave a list of Voldemort's Horcruxes and their locations on my desk for Dumbledore to find and ensure that _everybody_ possibly live, but whatever. And it does sound as if you were very brave, Scorpius, and only Scorpius. Hopefully you'll realize that it takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends. Maybe if you keep that in mind, you'll be able to stop Albus over there from destroying everything his grandparents, his uncle, and so many that none of you will ever meet sacrificed so much to build so that he could grow up and whinge about how no one understands his pain.

**Albus:** Sorry, Professor.

**Scorpius:** A simple deal. To which I agree. I'll work on it, Professor.

**Professor McGonagall:** Good. Now all of you get out of my sight and don't come back unless you've got a Time-Turner with you, since it looks like I'm the only responsible person left in the entire fucking Wizarding World, and even that's a stretch. I'm sure some horrible thing'll happen tomorrow...

ACT THREE, SCENE ELEVEN  
HOGWARTS, SLYTHERIN DORMITORY

_ALBUS is sitting in his room. Who knows where the fuck SCORPIUS is — probably with DRACO but who cares what the infinitely more likable and sympathetic character is up to right now. HARRY enters and looks at his son — full of anger, but cautious not to let it spell. Judging by the proceeding text I'm assuming that's referring to Harry — it's not a hundred percent clear._

**Harry:** Thanks for letting me come up.

_ALBUS turns, he nods at his dad even as he hopes that all or at least most of the other Slytherins are in class now or something because it would be really awkward otherwise oh who am I kidding, this play is like a Kingdom Hearts level, there are like no extras and maybe a select few main characters if you're lucky HOLY FUCK I CANNOT WAIT FOR KHIII I WANNA PLAY IT RIGHT NOW WHY ISN'T IT OUT YET._

Scorpius was right about not being able to summon the Time-Turner. Hopefully. Boy would it be stupid of us if we never thought about that. Dealing with the Merpeople would be so much easier if someone on our side spoke Mermish, but Dumbledore and Crouch Senior are both dead, so...

_He sits down uncomfortably._

I never made it past the common room before. This dormitory — it's quite nice.

**Albus:** There's a reason people are often calmed when they look at a forest. The color of nature can be quite soothing. Scorpius has been researching the effects color can have on a person. Red tends to make one more aggressive, even to the point that wearing the color can cause one to act differently. But of course there's no way that could've affected _you_ in any way.

**Harry:** Why the fuck did you do all this, Albus.

**Albus:** Amos said his son was just a “spare” to Voldemort — I've felt for years like I'm the spare child, at least to you if not Mum, I don't even know what my relationship with her is like since Thorne can only write one kind of plot — I don't know, I guess it triggered something in me. I thought if Cedric wasn't the spare anymore — that would fix how I felt about myself, and you'd see me as worthwhile.

**Harry:** Of course you're worthwhile to me! So long as you come home at the end of the day, that would be enough! You did _not_ have to do all this ultimately pointless bullshit!

**Albus:** ...Could've done with hearing that earlier...Calm angry? Worst angry.

**Harry:** Best angry.

**Albus:** Parenting intensifies.

**Harry:** As it should. Albus, I'm very disappointed in you.

**Albus:** I know.

**Harry:** *failing to control his anger — and no one was surprised* You could've been killed. You essentially _were_ killed. You deliberately disobeyed me. And what's worse, you put Scorpius in danger!

**Albus:** I was just trying to be brave like you!

_Pause. ALBUS wipes away a tear. HARRY notices it and takes a breath. He forces himself back under control._

**Harry:** I'm only brave when I have to be. Albus, being brave doesn't mean you go looking for trouble.

**Albus:** But you're not scared of anything!

**Harry:** I was today. And when you jumped off that train.

**Albus:** You were?

**Harry:** Yes. I thought I might lose you.

**Albus:** Oh. I guess even the great Harry Potter gets scared, huh?

**Harry:** Mm-hmm. Your mother was even worse — she wouldn't even let me in your room after you went missing the first time. You really scared her, too. Which is why she's not here right now. It's almost like this is just to set up some stupid bullshit for later and isn't actually meant to convey anything meaningful about your relationship to someone who isn't your precious father. And...I'm sorry I accused Scorpius of being Voldemort's son. I think I always knew he wasn't the problem.

_ALBUS looks at his dad, trying to figure him out._

**Albus:** I think it's down to a lot of problems. After we mucked up the first task, I was suddenly a Gryffindor, from a timeline I may or may not remember considering an Aunt Hermione from a different timeline basically ensured that that never happened so how would I have any memories of it. Fuck, how would _Scorpius_ have any memories of the Everyone Dies timeline, wouldn't that Scorpius have faded from existence since the Scorpius that was swimming next to me would've taken over and therefore would never have gone through what the other Scorpius went through!? We have an entire extra person totally unaccounted for, and we will never acknowledge it! It's like the most non-giving-a-fuck thing ever.

**Harry:** Great. So like this.

**Albus:** YES! But whether I actively remember shit or not — our relationship was exactly the same, to the point where it was infinitely easier for McGonagall to follow your instructions as Scorpius and I no longer slept in the same fucking room. I think we have to work on a lotta shit before we're gonna be okay.

**Harry:** Agreed. Not today though, fuck that, I'm going home and going right to sleep. That seems most important right now. And you might scoff at that, but if you think about it, you can still scoff at it, but after that...

_HARRY looks at ALUS. I guess it's okay for them to look around the room instead of each other since they're being so awkward, but that's still never indicated._

ARE YOU OKAY!?

**Albus:** NOPE!

**Harry:** ME NEITHER! A-HYUK!

ACT THREE, SCENE TWELVE  
DREAM, GODRIC'S HOLLOW, CEMETERY

_YOUNG HARRY stands looking at a gravestone covered in bunches of flowers. He has a small bunch of flowers in his hand._

**Aunt Petunia:** Come on, hurry up, this scene can't be disproved as a made-up fantasy quick enough. Christ, this place is awful, all these people looking genuinely content with their lives, how disgusting — hurry it up, will you?

_He approaches the grave. He stands a moment more._

_Now,_ boy! I have to constantly remind you that I value my own Duddy over you to the point that it should be incredibly obvious that I would never take you here.

**Young Harry:** Aunt Petunia? We're their last living relatives, right?

**Aunt Petunia:** On your mother's side, yes. I honestly don't know about your worthless father; I'm sure he's got some second or third cousins somewhere what with all the inbreeding. And don't ask questions, how many times do I have to tell you? You don't think I'd rather someone take you away from us? It's just not going to happen, deal with it.

**Young Harry:** You said they didn't have any friends, though.

**Aunt Petunia:** None worth mentioning — in fact most of them died around the same time. One even went to prison for killing a bunch of them himself — that's the kind of people your parents kept the company of. Again, all gone now, not worth bringing up as some kind of last ditch hope that you'll be removed from us any time soon, so stop being so cruel this instant.

**Young Harry:** So, my question is—

**Aunt Petunia:** I JUST TOLD YOU NOT TO ASK QUESTIONS, YOU UNGRATEFUL BRAT!

**Young Harry:** Fine, then just look at all these other flowers and _tell_ me where they came from! Try and get real close.

**Aunt Petunia:** No, I think I'll just not do that.

_AUNT PETUNIA looks around, she sees all the flowers as if for the first time, and it moves her hugely. Not enough to stop abusing her sister's son, oh no, not by a long shot, yet another clue that this entire series of events never could've happen, but yeah, hugely moved, she was. She approaches them and sits by her sister's grave, evidently feeling some feels in HARRY's desperation to feel like his aunt could've been brought round to liking him, because it doesn't make sense that the people you have been conditioned all your life to believe that they'll love you no matter what sometimes just fucking don't._

...They must be from other graves — got blown about by the wind — some horrible child or other from this terrible town playing a cruel prank — I'm so self-deluded that my sister was a freak and no one in their right mind would like her that this is the only way anything makes sense to me—

**Young Harry:** Dude all of these flowers have their names on them. And _boy_ is this ever a made-up dream, I know a lot of people's headcanons involve me not even knowing my parents' names until they're told to me by Hagrid, and to be honest I'm sort of fond of that theory.

**Voldemort:** Hey look, a direct quote from GoF in this play! First one, I think! Now, does this mean Thorne finally lowered himself to reading it, or did he just look up a list of quotes? You be the judge!

**Aunt Petunia:** *to Young Harry* GET OUT! GET OUTTA THERE!

_She pulls him back — why, it's not a hundred percent clear. VOLDEMORT's hand rises into the air above the Potters' gravestone — wouldn't it have been delightfully horrific if he'd turned them into Inferi, or I read a Tumblr post that suggested he turn their gravestone into a Horcrux because no way HARRY'd fuck with that — the rest of him rises after. We don't see his face but it's totally him you guys._

We're gonna pretend I didn't just shit myself and leave now.

_YOUNG HARRY is pulled from the stage, but turns to face VOLDEMORT._

**Voldemort:** You still seeing from my PoV? Is that what you're meant to have been doing? It's kinda hard to portray live unless we're told, is all...

_YOUNG HARRY exists, disturbed, as ALBUS bursts from VOLDEMORT's cloak, making this not quite as_ Empire Strikes Back _as I expected. He reaches out a desperate hand toward his dad._

**Albus:** FUCKING HELP ME!

_There are some words spoken in Parseltongue that makes it seem as though ALBUS is speaking them with the way this is presented._

_He's coming. He's coming. He's coming._

_Ever so much the phrasing. Also this is sort of like LotR in that the bad guy is always fucking Sauron, it's kind of annoying, at least Grindelwald is a different fucking person._

_Oh and someone's screaming I guess._

_And then we get the same description for VOLDEMORT's voice that we've heard every single time this shit happens. And it still looks like either a stage direction or like ALBUS is saying it. There is a fell voice over the air._

_Haaaaaaarryyyy Potttttter..._

ACT THREE, SCENE THIRTEEN  
HARRY AND GINNY POTTER'S HOUSE, KITCHEN

_HARRY is in a horrible state. Petrified by the fact that he's apparently a Seer now despite everything still having the simplest explanations._

**Ginny:** *is just there, she's not described as entering or anything but nor was she mentioned in the set-up for the scene so now I don't know what to believe* Nightmare again?

**Harry:** They haven't stopped.

**Ginny:** Of course they haven't. We've been through a lot of trauma in our lives; I'm sad to say that they might never stop, only lessen with time.

**Harry:** I was officially never at Godric's Hollow with Petunia.

**Ginny:** ...Have you been having so many PTSD flashbacks as dreams that you've forgotten how normal dreams work? 'Cause usually they're about things that didn't happen or couldn't possibly happen.

**Harry:** But Voldemort was in it as well.

**Ginny:** ...Yeah. The Dursleys and Voldemort both fucked up your life in various ways. People who've long-since graduated from school can still have nightmares about not having done their homework or forgetting to go to class; this would not be an unusual nightmare combination for you. Stop trying to make Horcrux regeneration happen.

**Harry:** Can't, 'cause Albus was in the dream, too.

**Ginny:** Because you're still worried about him! This is how nightmares and dreams and shit work!

**Harry:** But Voldemort said “I smell guilt, there is a stench of guilt upon the air”! He was talking to me! It's not like because I was dreaming about a graveyard I was also flashing back to a different graveyard where Voldemort actually said those words to his remaining Death Eaters at the same time! There's no way this could possibly be misconstrued as PTSD!

_HARRY looks at her. He touches his scar. His face falls. And splats as it hits the floor._

**Ginny:** That's like the opposite of how real life works. Are you having phantom pains again?

_HARRY's face grows white. So I guess race-bending him'll be a little trickier if they ever decide to go that route._

**Harry:** Dude? Seriously. I don't care how little sense this makes, or how much continuity we're breaking — this is happening. How hype are you feeling right now?

**Ginny:** My hype is between 0 and 0.1.

**Harry:** So what is that, like, infinity hype or what?

**Ginny:** It's infinity negative hype plus five.

ACT THREE, SCENE FOURTEEN  
HOGWARTS, SLYTHERIN DORMITORY

_SCORPIUS leans ominously over ALBUS's headboard._

**Scorpius:** Albus! It's me, Scorpius. I'm still here. Overcome your lethargy, now.

_ALBUS doesn't wake._

ALBUS! OVERCOME YOUR LETHARGY, NOW!

_ALBUS wakes with a shock. SCORPIUS laughs._

**Albus:** Way to wake up the entire Slytherin dorm. Which...I guess we all get our own rooms or something since there's no way that wouldn't have woken someone else up. Which, frankly, it still should have.

**Scorpius:** So it's portrayed as me being completely fine after my ordeal but I'm pretty frelling sure I'm going to be having nightmares for the rest of my life and might've just had one now. Therefore my exuberance might well be due to the realization that everything's back to normal upon waking up. I've never felt this...connected, Albus.

**Albus:** Well I guess that's something.

**Scorpius:** I wonder what normal people feel like when they have detention every day and aren't allowed to go anywhere except for class, 'cause all I can think is “HOO BOY I SURE AM GLAD I'M NOT EXPECTED TO MURDER SOMEONE FOR THEIR BLOOD TYPE TODAY!” One of my many improvements.

**Albus:** Okay it's too late/early and you're too happy. I demand that you stop.

**Scorpius:** I still can't believe you weren't happier to see Rose again! You know she's still harping on that bread comment I made? It was just so good to hear her voice, you know? I mean, maybe hugging her was a bit much, I'm sure I deserve that kick in the shin. She wards herself...against emotions. Like any good soldier.

**Albus:** Why are you describing events to me as if I wasn't there, we have the same classes together even if we _didn't_ always hang out.

_SCORPIUS looks at ALBUS, THEY ARE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN THE SCENE, his face grows more contemplative._

**Scorpius:** Candidly, Albus...you have continually failed...in all your duties. Your...vector for success...has grown quite small.

**Albus:** What, you _didn't_ want to live in a world where Polly Chapman was all like “Please, push me onto a dick! I can't just fall on it!”

**Scorpius:** Even if I was into her, it would not have been worth it. I never wanted to. Not in that reality. Or were you ignoring the fact that she was annoyed about _all the Muggle-born blood she had to clean off her shoes?_ BLOOD THAT _SHE_ PROBABLY SPILLED!?

**Albus:** Oh yeah, that...

**Scorpius:** We only saved two people, seemingly — Cedric Diggory and Severus Snape. Both who willingly worked for Voldemort at some point in their lives. And I was well on my way to joining them in that reality. I don't think I had the Dark Mark yet, but I'm sure it was only a matter of time. I also hated homework and was brilliant at Quidditch. I only hope...this old reality I've waited so patiently for makes more sense.

**Albus:** Yes, this reality definitely seems better than that one. Thanks for bringing everyone back.

**Scorpius:** Yeah...You know how it's not always the best thing to compare experiences because pain is still pain no matter the cause? The sensation is uh, well...more complicated than that. Sometimes things can _definitely_ be worse, and we need a reminder to not take what we have for granted.

_ALBUS digests this._

**Albus:** So you're saying I still do?

**Scorpius:** ...That's it. *explodes* YOU. HAVE. TWO. LIVING. BREATHING. PARENTS. AND A FAMILY THAT DOESN'T DISTANCE THEMSELVES FROM YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR POLITICAL VALUES. Still not sure how not discriminating against someone because they committed the heinous crime of being born different from you counts as taking a political stance, but...

**Albus:** You know what? Our mistake wasn't going back in the first place—

**Scorpius:** YES IT WAS! YES IT FRELLING WAS! I TOLD YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT THE THIRD TIMELINE! _I SHOULD BE FRELLING NINETY!_

**Albus:** Aw come on, you can't blame someone for giving into temptation—

**Scorpius:** _YES I FRELLING CAN!_ Don't give me...excuses!

**Albus:** But we really should've stopped after that first attempt, and just tried to fix that rather than continue to try and save Cedric. Again, one of those situations where I make one mistake and you have to pay for it.

**Scorpius:** Now he's telling the truth. McGonagall was right — I _really_ should've stopped you. There's always a first for everything.

**Albus:** Probably. It was a stupid plan. We could've saved so many people — my uncle, my godbrother's parents, everyone Mum and Dad always talk about, my friggin' grandparents—

**Scorpius:** Have you heard from Teddy lately, I haven't heard you mention him. At all. Ever. Nothing of the kind.

**Albus:** —and instead I choose some rando with basically no connection to me just because I...well I guess I just wanted Dad to feel bad about himself. Make him feel some of the shame I've felt these past few years.

**Scorpius:** ...So it really was that petty all along, huh. No. I don't like the way you do things either. Very messy...

**Albus:** Can't really argue with that.

**Scorpius:** ...Did I just use you as a happy thought because I was out of frelling options? Oh that is clever.

_ALBUS nods, touched by this revelaiton nevertheless._

...Okay. Time for a change of tactics. So we've still learned our lesson and we're not going to do it ever again, right?

**Albus:** Oh yeah, no, in retrospect everything was actually all for nothing.

**Scorpius:** In that case...I need your help. We must destroy it.

_SCORPIUS reveals the Time-Turner to ALBUS._

**Albus:** Wha — but you said you dropped it!

**Scorpius:** *slaps himself* So what, I lied. I got ridiculously good at it over the last four days or so. Or whenever we did the lake thing.

**Albus:** Yeah but _why_ did you lie?

**Scorpius:** Because my latest working theory is that once you become a fully-functioning adult in the Wizarding World, you lose all competency. It's the only explanation (besides incredibly bad writing) that I can think of for, like, every single one of Hermione's actions and inactions within this stupid frelling play, and that's just one example. Call it what you like. Only you and I, as actually competent teenagers, should be trusted with this task, as once again the message to any impressionable young child watching/reading this is to never trust authority for anything ever. As for the Time-Turner, I would trade my life...for its destruction. Our time grows short. We have to take risks. Now then, *speaking grandly* let's put the concept of time travel in the past where it belongs.

**Albus:** You rehearsed that, didn't you.

**Scorpius:** Little bit, did I rush it? It felt rushed.

**Albus:** No it was good, I liked it.

ACT THREE, SCENE FIFTEEN  
HOGWARTS, SLYTHERIN DORMITORY

_HARRY and GINNY move quickly through the dormitory. CRAIG BOWKER, JR. trails after them._

**Craig:** This type of behavior is not welcome in a school environment!

**Harry:** I GOTTA FIND MY SON NEMO!

**Craig:** ...Okay first of all, what? And second, I don't care how famous you are, parents don't normally visit their kids here unless it's an extreme emergency or you've got permission from—

_PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL charges in behind them._

**Professor McGonagall:** Hey, Craig. You're gonna die. This conversation has marked you for death.

**Harry:** ...Since when have you called your students by their first names aside from when their parents were in the room and it would get confusing?

**Craig:** *shocked* ...I mean I _was_ just that special...

_HARRY pulls open a bedcurtain._

**Professor McGonagall:** Oh bugger.

**Harry:** Yep.

**Professor McGonagall:** Well since there does appear to be more than one bed in this room...

_GINNY pulls open another._

**Ginny:** ...Any chance they just slipped away to snog and we kicked up this fuss for nothing?

**Professor McGonagall:** I've learned not to take that kind of chance with your family. C'mon, Craigy-boy, you're with me...whether or not you're in fourth year with the rest of the important students or are old enough to be a prefect will forever remain to be seen...

_GINNY and HARRY stay behind, looking at the bed. As there are at least two beds on this set I'm going to assume they're looking at SCORPIUS's, it's the only thing that makes sense._

**Ginny:** ...Seriously, you and James sneak about all the time after hours, yes they're in detention forever but why are we freaking out, this could be the first instance we've seen of like father like son.

**Harry:** No you don't get it I'm totes a Seer now.

_GINNY looks at her husband, full of fear._

**Ginny:** What the fuck did you say to him earlier.

**Harry:** Oh so this is my fault?

**Ginny:** It pretty much was last time!

**Harry:** That's — yes, but this conversation went way better!

**Ginny:** What. The fuck. Did you say to him. Specifically.

_HARRY can hear the accusation in her voice. Because the dialogue is unable to speak for itself I guess._

**Harry:** We both acknowledged that we had problems that needed working on. Then, rather than give it a head start, I came straight home and went to bed.

**Ginny:** Well that's not _completely_ terrible...Yeah, I don't think it would've started anything. You're off the hook for that one. Now then, where's the Map?

**Harry:** I didn't bring it.

**Ginny:** ...Why the fuck wouldn't you bring it.

**Harry:** I didn't think I'd—

**Ginny:** Didn't think you'd need it!?

**Harry:** He was supposed to be in bed! Asleep!

**Ginny:** AND YOU WERE SO ADAMANT THAT A THREAT WOULD BEFALL HIM THAT MAYBE KEEPING AN EYE ON HIS DOT WOULD HAVE BEEN A PRUDENT FUCKING IDEA! HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO HOLD THE IDIOT BALL IN THIS GODDAMN FUCKING PLAY!?


	16. Act 3 Part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Continuing With The Farscape Rewatch And I Think I Finally Understand Where My Preference For Endless Pop Culture References Came From 'Cause Crichton Never Stops And It's Great:** _Farscape, Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Airplane!, Firefly, Final Fantasy VIII, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Fullmetal Alchemist, Batman,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling whose writing can still have serious problems despite everything, especially considering the way she and Jack Thorne both seem to think that date rape drugs are hilarious.

ACT THREE, SCENE SIXTEEN  
HOGWARTS, OWLERY

_SCORPIUS and ALBUS emerge onto a roof bathed in silver light. Normally I'd worry about whether or not the moon was full but apparently_ every single werewolf on the planet is off the fucking grid _at this point, so..._

**Scorpius:** Oh stop this indecision already. I've helped you countless times! I've even saved your life! Go on, Albus, do it, they we can go to the beach! I know a place with naked Ravenclaw girls and margarita shooters! Seriously, what's wrong with Confringo?

**Albus:** Because I'm 93% sure that's just a spell to make fire, albeit a harsher one than incendio, and I don't want to wait around while it melts. I was thinking _expulso._

**Scorpius:** Actually both cause explosions, I just think _confringo's_ a little more contained. Let's prove them correct, Albus.

**Albus:** _Bombarda?_

**Scorpius:** As nostalgic as it was to hear Dad use _flipendo_ earlier, I'd prefer book spells to film/game ones. Gives the illusion that the books were read. Like, at all. And really, are these necessary? Why did we never consider _reducto?_ Or at least _stupefy,_ we know that works...

**Albus:** Where's the fun in that? I wanna do something different!

**Scorpius:** Just because you do not have the resolution to—

**Albus:** Of course I have the resolution, I just want to do something different! We've done so much old shit throughout this whole play that I figure they'd appreciate some new shit, for _once!_

**Scorpius:** ...You don't know how to Stun, do you. Your adherence to orders is...selective.

**Albus:** S-So? Do either of us know _any_ of these spells? We've only just started our fourth year and as far as anyone knows I can really only do two spells.

**Scorpius:** Oh and you think _now_ is the time to learn more complicated ones that're sure to make a ton of noise, do you? If you haven't got the resolution to do what is necessary—

**Delphi:** I do! No time like the present, is there?

_SCORPIUS looks up, surprised to see that DELPHI has emerged from behind them._

**Scorpius:** Delphi. Why are you here.

**Albus:** I wrote her. Apparently just now, I don't know how you didn't notice, you were right next to me, but I didn't know what you were planning until tonight so it couldn't have been before then. How the owl got to her so fast and in turn how _she_ got here so fast is beyond me, unless she never left the forest or something, fuck, that's gonna bug me now...

_SCORPIUS looks at his friend accusingly._

Dude we attempted all this in the first place to save her cousin, come on.

_SCORPIUS thinks, and then nods, accepting this._

**Delphi:** So the last time I saw you in this timeline, you'd donned Durmstrang robes and fucked up. My cousin's still dead, I somehow know. What gives?

_ALBUS gets out the Time-Turner._

**Albus:** We tried going back. We _did_ go back. Twice. The first time didn't work — I don't know whether or not you still spoke to Scorpius in this reality — and the second time...I'm sorry. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. We can't keep on trying to save Cedric.

_DELPHI looks at it and then at them both._

**Delphi:** Your owl said fuck all...

**Albus:** It was a fascist nightmare, only with magic. If you were somehow different from the status quo, you and your family were tortured and killed. If you spoke out against the status quo, you and your family were tortured and killed. There were torture rooms _in Hogwarts_ that Scorpius had to help out in. I don't know about my mum, but my dad was definitely dead — I was never even born. My siblings, my cousins — my whole family was dead except for Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione and anyone they didn't think to tell Scorpius about while he was trapped there. Voldemort killed so many...and probably would've killed even more had Scorpius not found a way to save everything. Save everyone.

_DELPHI hesitates. And then her face breaks. A phrase I've never heard before. I would dearly like to know what that means, emotion-wise. Sadness? Happiness? 'Cause rereading it I can only picture happiness, which makes what the boys do next even stupider..._

**Delphi:** ...So you're saying Voldemort was still in charge? Like, he was still alive?

**Scorpius:** My still-Death Eating father was up in the Ministry. Dolores Frelling Umbridge was down at Hogwarts as Headmistress. We used to joke about Hogwarts being a prison but at least this version of reality doesn't have free-range dementors. There may be a chance, but I don't think I'm going to get a decent night's sleep for the rest of my life.

**Delphi:** ...There is no way it's true that saving one dude, one _Hufflepuff,_ caused all that.

**Scorpius:** It is. Maybe I can prove it to you. Have you not heard of the phrase “beware the nice ones”? Cedric turned evil; he became a Death Eater. Somehow.

_DELPHI looks at SCORPIUS's face carefully. Her face sinks._

**Delphi:** You wanna push this dumb nonsense word salad further? Explain to me the logic behind that shit.

**Scorpius:** That would be a wasted effort. Because there kind of isn't any except a paper-thin excuse beyond what we talked about last time this came up. I have a slight addition: You've met your uncle, yeah? Cedric being humiliated during the tournament probably humiliated Amos by proxy. He left feeling...well...unfulfilled. And no offense, but your uncle's kind of a drannit in GoF and seems the be the one character Thorne got right. I can totally see a man like that driving his son mad enough to kill the forever off-stage Professor Longbottom. Is what we're supposed to believe.

**Albus:** You'd be able to say that if this wasn't complete dogshit. So it's more like you've adapted to the dogshit faster. Because you're used to the smell.

**Delphi:** Man, at the point I'm at with the believability of this plot, I fully expect like a veloceraptor to jump out.

**Albus:** That's wearing a hat.

**Delphi:** Still, for some reason I am convinced now. We need to destroy it immediately.

**Albus:** Was hoping you'd agree to that. You okay?

**Delphi:** Oh yeah, I've never met the guy personally anyway. But I'm sure the kid who was still a true Hufflepuff would've agreed that this was for the best anyway. Explaining it to Uncle Amos'll be a bitch and a half, though; I'm going to have to insist you two be there for that so I won't be forced to suffer alone.

**Albus:** Of course, that seems more than fair.

_DELPHI smiles at them sadly, and then takes the Time-Turner. ALBUS and SCORPIUS let her do this. She looks at it and her expression changes slightly._

Oh hey, nice mark there.

**Delphi:** Sorry?

_DELPHI's cloak has conveniently loosened at this exact moment in the plot. An Augurey tattoo is visible on the back of her neck. If we still want to see her expression then the tatoo won't be visible to everyone, and might be too small for most of the audience anyway. I'm surprised Albus doesn't flat-out describe it._

**Albus:** I hadn't noticed it before. The wings. Is that what Muggles call a tattoo that in a world post-Dark Mark shenaniganry should be fairly obvious? A Muggle cop my dad knows has wings on her back, too; it actually appears to be a pretty common mark.

**Delphi:** Yes, yes, I imagine it is. Though I doubt a Muggle would know what an Augurey is.

**Scorpius:** ...Well. That brings back memories. Could you repeat that?

**Delphi:** Oh come on, don't tell me you don't know what an Augurey is either? Even if the two of you don't take Care of Magical Creatures, you should still own a copy of _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them,_ that's like a first year textbook! Ugh, fine, whatever, here's a brief description: They're sinister-looking black birds that cry when rain's coming, though if that one bird in Crimes of Grindelwald was actually an Augurey they're more grey-ish with kind of crazy eyes. Wizards used to believe it was a death omen. When I was growing up my guardian kept one in a cage.

**Albus:** That's probably a good explanation. You can stop now.

**Scorpius:** I disagree, please keep explaining. My patience is formidable, Delphi...but it is not infinite.

_DELPHI looks at SCORPIUS, now that she has the Time-Turner she's enjoying the game of this. I WONDER IF SHE'S THE BAD GUY._

**Delphi:** A guardian in this instance is one's legal primary caregiver, but that's not important right now. Anyway, mine said that her Augurey always cried because I was one day going to meet a truly horrific end, never mind that we live in the fucking United Kingdom where the most common stereotype is that the sun never fucking shines. Euphemia Rowle may well have been abusive toward me, which is your cue to start pitying the villain because a sad childhood is all it takes for any antagonist to be completely forgiven no matter their previous atrocities against humanity.

**Albus:** I'll get right on that, right after I lament the fact that there was once a time when, except for Tom which was kind of a plot point, no first names ever repeated in this series unless one named their kids after dead people. Now your horrible caretaker and my paternal great-grandmother share a name. Whoop-de-friggin' do...Wait, why would you want a permanent reminder of such horrible memories?

**Delphi:** It reminds me that the future is mine to make, something that was in no way quoted earlier. Which may or may not imply that I killed her to escape and decided to use her favorite way to put me down as a symbol of my empowerment just to spite her.

**Albus:** Neat. I've been thinking about getting a sleeve all down my left arm, but I'm still not too sure about the design. Maybe I'll work Augurey wings into it, what d'you think?

**Scorpius:** Would you like _me_ to take over the interrogation? Didn't your dad and aunt and uncle corner one Thorfin Rowle in a diner along with Antonin Dolohov that one time?

_A thousand thoughts whir inside SCORPIUS's head, when really only one thought involving Augureys should've been in it, two max if he remembered one thing alternate-Polly said one time in passing._

**Albus:** Oh come on, man, don't pull that shit, you're a Malfoy who doesn't believe in any of that garbage, why do you automatically think _she_ will? Now help me out with what spell we should be using already.

**Scorpius:** I know I said the Time-Turner couldn't be summoned but I was kind of making it up at the time, there is no reason I shouldn't at least be trying it right now. You see, Albus? This is what I'm trying to keep you from.

**Delphi:** Why would you want to summon it?

**Albus:** Seriously, she's got it, it's fine.

**Scorpius:** You're lying. You're lying about why you're here, Delphi. This is the last time I will ask. What are you...doing here? What won't you tell me? I already know everything else.

**Delphi:** I'm trying to bring back a family member I never met, we've been over this.

**Scorpius:** You listen to me, Albus! Be honest with me, how little did I tell you about that reality, because I _know_ I would've mentioned Voldemort's shadowy servant known as the Augurey.

_A slow smile grows on DELPHI's face._

**Delphi:** I think I could grow used to that as a title.

**Albus:** Wait, what?

_She's too quick. Leveling her wand, she nonverbally repels SCORPIUS and she is far stronger. SCORPIUS tries to keep her back, but she quickly overpowers him._

**Delphi:** MADE-UP SPELL BECAUSE CONTINUING TO USE _INCARCEROUS_ JUST ISN'T FANCY ENOUGH ANYMORE I GUESS!

_SCORPIUS's arms are bound in vicious, luminous cords. Again. Live. How do._

**Scorpius:** There is no need for these restraints. *turns to his friend* Go, Albus, go! You cannot be taken alive!

_ALBUS looks around, bewildered. And then starts to run._

**Delphi:** _Fulgari!_

_ALBUS is propelled to the floor, his hands tied by the same brutal binding. In front? Behind his back? Having trouble here._

Ahh. Lying to children is hilarious. *giggles* Holy shit, I can't believe you idiots took this long to figure out that I'm not exactly one to be trusted. I had the DNA of some of the most famous and powerful people in this little underground society of ours, with Polyjuice Potion all ready to go, and you didn't bat an eye! I thought I'd have to Confund you at least, but apparently fucking not! Man. Kids are losers. They're also weak and can be destroyed easily. Are teenage boys really so malleable just because they're hormonal? Jesus, Merlin help me if you'd been gay. Well, I suppose we'd better get on with it, hadn't we?

**Albus:** Aarg! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

**Delphi:** Ah ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh!

_She pulls ALBUS's wand from him and snaps it._

And yes, I will be using this Time-Turner to conquer the known galaxy.

She pulls SCORPIUS's wand from him and snaps it.

**Delphi:** Everyone's gonna love this clusterfuck of nonsense.

ACT THREE, SCENE SEVENTEEN  
MINISTRY OF MAGIC, HERMIONE'S OFFICE

_RON is sitting on HERMIONE's desk eating porridge._

**Ron:** I still can't wrap my head around it. It really sounds like shit sucks, post-calamity.

**Hermione:** Well yeah, it was a calamity.

**Ron:** I mean I know we were both massive, _massive_ oblivious idiots when we were younger, but to think that we never got over ourselves just seems ridiculous. Well. The thought that _you_ never got over yourself, I can completely see me continuing to be a jealous prat who never learns. Still, you'd think Harry would've done something by that point.

**Hermione:** Ron. The goblins are stopping by to talk security. At Gringotts. That place we broke into and destroyed/released a good chunk of security. This is going to be an _incredibly_ difficult and delicate conversation and I'm going to need all of my concentration to not fuck everything up for all of us.

**Ron:** I'm just saying, of all possible ships, they went with me and _Padma?_ I didn't even know that was a viable ship, I have never seen a fanfic with that once!

**Hermione:** Well you have now.

**Ron:** EEYYY. But no, like, I get that alternate timelines have alternate outcomes, but I still expect it to make sense, you know? I've seen loads with me and Luna that actually make sense, you can point to evidence of that, but Padma? After the second task aftermath, I don't even think we were aware of each other's existence. A single date does not a marriage make, especially if it's the first date you've basically ever had, and I wish fiction would stop pushing this as only very, _very_ rarely does that ever happen.

**Hermione:** If you're saying you want to shag Luna I'm fairly certain she would be open to that considering it's, you know, _her,_ but you'd have to consider how Rolf and I would feel about it, and I for one would need way more convincing because it may be 2020 but I personally am not comfortable with my partner possibly being polyamorous. Though I am grateful that you bothered to talk to me to my face about any of this instead of going behind my back, that was good of you.

**Ron:** Oh for — I don't want to fuck Luna!

**Hermione:** Don't think you could handle her, eh?

**Ron:** Also that, but I am in fact monogamous, you bitchlord! Would you shut the fuck up for once in your life and listen to what other people have to say!? I want to do a marriage renewal thing! Renew our vows, whatever you call it!

**Hermione:** *melts slightly* ...U wot?

**Ron:** JKR eventually signed off on us being super young when we got married, so I guess we tied the knot right after all the funerals were over or something. JKR also signed off on me being drunk enough to barely remember said wedding. Which is admittedly slightly believable but I imagine it fucks with a lot of people's former preconceptions, so...The truth is — I love you, Hermione Granger, and whatever time says — I'd like the opportunity to say so in front of lots of other people. Again. Sober.

_She looks at him, she smiles, she pulls him to her, she kisses him, she doesn't bother forming a normal sentence, she's too good for that apparently._

**Hermione:** My god you are motherlicking adorable.

**Ron:** And you still taste of toffee even days later unless it's implied that you're still sneaking them. Which, to reiterate, _why would I of all people discourage the eating of sweets._

_HERMIONE shrugs. HARRY, GINNY, and DRACO walk in on them as they move to kiss again. They spring apart._

**Hermione:** BITCHES I WAS TRYING TO GET ME SOME DICK OVER HERE.

**Harry:** That's nice, I'm a full-blown Seer now. Don't argue.

**Ginny:** And regardless of whether or not you believe that shit, the fact of the matter is that your nephew has once again fucked off.

**Draco:** With Scorpius. We've had McGonagall check the entire school. They're gone.

**Hermione:** Have you asked James whether or not he still has his Invisibility Cloak, 'cause they might be using that.

**Ginny and Harry:** Who's James?

**Ron:** ...Your first born? A child other than Albus?

**Ginny and Harry:** Pfft, pull the other one.

**Ron:** …

**Hermione:** Did you at least check the Map that James also should've stolen ages ago?

**Harry:** We got it back and I gave it to McGonagall.

**Hermione:** Good, now I can understand if panicking if they weren't on the Map—

**Harry:** We wouldn't know, it's locked away so we can't check it.

**Hermione:** …

**Ron:** …

**Ginny:** …

**Draco:** ...

**Hermione:** …

**Ron:** …

**Ginny:** …

**Draco:** …

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Hermione:** ...That's not bad. I'll accept that.

**Ginny:** Will you?

**Hermione:** No.

**Ginny:** That's right.

**Hermione:** Whatever, since _you're_ so bloody incompetent I'll get the Aurors together myself—

**Ron:** Or you could just ask me what they're up to since I saw them last.

**Draco:** I AM VERY MUCH IN FAVOR OF THIS PLAN.

_They all turn to look at RON, he's briefly disconcerted but batters on, whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean._

**Ron:** So I was never called in after the whole time travel punishment snafu whatever, and only heard about it from Hermione later. It's completely understandable why I was never called in, my beloved children only _vanished from existence,_ why should I be called in, I'm only their fucking father...anyway, some time between then and now, not sure when I found out during that stretch but I fancied a drink and met up with Neville. Offstage. As per fucking usual. I may or may not have been bitching about how my wife basically ensured the erasure of our children, and he may or may not have been bitching about both his lack of involvement in his godson's life despite the fact that they live in the same fucking castle and the fact that he unknowingly murdered a woman of color and hasn't been able to get over it since he learned about it. We will never know. And we were coming back, drunk as shit, and I was _not_ up to Apparating, only hoping that I could speak clearly enough to manage the Floo Network — I'm setting this up so you can get increasingly pissed off that Neville will never actually make an appearance and also so that, frankly, you might want to take what I have to say with a grain of salt, and also also to explain why I didn't bring it up until now because as established booze does weird things to my memory—

**Ginny:** Acknowledged, now spill it.

**Ron:** So we've all speculated for a while that Albus and Scorpius might be a thing, but I have a feeling that Albus at least might be bi, since I saw him together with an older woman.

**Ginny:** ...How much older.

**Ron:** Post-Hogwarts age, or at least she didn't have a uniform, so unless he somehow met a girl who was home-schooled I'm more inclined to believe we're looking at someone who already graduated. Especially considering she had grey hair...Why am I acting proud, this is super gross, the boys aren't even close to being of-age yet. Scorpius was with them too, actually, don't know what that was about. Nor do I know how I could've see the Owlery roof from Hogsmeade but there you go. Also their hands were visibly tied up with brightly glowing rope but I'm sure that's nothing to worry about. And I'm going to abandon that horrible, horrible thing I said in the actual play and apologize to the both of you about that Date Rape Potion. George actually sent that and it was meant to be for _Lily_ so you could have a talk with her about how that kind of thing is still bad, it doesn't matter that she's a girl; Albus was supposed to get the comb and James the gnomes, I don't know what happened with the packaging, I'm immensely sorry about that.

_HARRY has a thought. It's right there, on the tip of his tongue...Oh! It's not a thought at all! It's a silly old...stick insect!_

**Harry:** You sure her hair was grey?

**Ron:** Well — I guess you could call it silver. Had blue in it too, frankly — Hey, you don't think Teddy was visiting and just decided to grow his hair out, do you?

**Harry:** I don't know who that is. But Delphi Diggory — Amos's niece — was wearing her hair like that when she and Amos visited the night before the kids left for Hogwarts. You'd think a visual detail like that would've been pointed out much earlier for the vast majority of fans who will _**NEVER BE ABLE TO SEE THIS GODDAMN FUCKING PLAY.**_

**Ginny:** Merlin's tiny mini-skirt, I thought the Cedric thing was done with.

_HARRY says nothing, thinking fast. HERMIONE looks around the room, concerned, and then shouts out of the door._

**Hermione:** Ethel! Try and figure out a way to tell the goblins that the woman who helped break into their most secure stronghold, was complicit in the use of Unforgiveables on their people, and helped one of their dragons escape suddenly doesn't want to talk to them anymore!

ACT THREE, SCENE EIGHTEEN  
ST. OSWALD'S HOME FOR OLD WITCHES AND WIZARDS, AMOS'S ROOM

_HARRY walks in, wand outstretched, with DRACO._

**Harry:** _WHERE ARE THEY!_

**Amos:** Holy fuck, and here I thought Batman was Bruce Wayne! Egg on my face, I tell you what! Also Draco Malfoy. Oh boy. I can't wait.

**Harry:** GIMME BACK MY SON!

**Amos:** Heh. Gimme back _my_ son, you piece of shit.

**Draco:** No one cares, tell us where Scorpius and Albus are now or face the consequences.

**Amos:** How the fuck would I know?

**Draco:** Please, don't plead Alzheimer's, how long have you been writing to them.

**Amos:** I. DON'T. KNOW. WHAT. YOU'RE. TALKING. ABOUT.

**Harry:** I am not above putting an old man in Azkaban. They were last seen on the Hogwarts roof with _your_ fucking niece, you piece of shit! You're clearly the mastermind behind all of this time travel bullshit, now _where are they._

**Amos:** Okay, I admit, I wanted to time travel to save my... *stops, confused* What do you mean my niece?

**Harry:** Merlin's hairy ballsack, you don't give up, do you? You put your niece up to this because a lowly woman would never be able to plan anything herself, so fucking spill already!

**Amos:** Dude I don't have a niece.

_This stops HARRY._

**Draco:** You don't have a niece named Delphi Diggory, who works here as the wizarding equivalent of a nurse specifically to help you out because you're family? And you're not just playing stupid and denying her existence to further stall us?

**Amos:** Neither myself nor my wife had any siblings. Just do your research, please, all of you.

**Harry:** How am I supposed to do research in my own brain!? The brain is the part that routinely fails me, not the information I fed into it!

**Amos:** Fine, then just take what I just said at face value, please, there's no way long-term exposure to the Confundus Curse would have any ill effects, after all. 

**Draco:** ...OKAY SO WE'RE GONNA FOLLOW UP ON THAT, EXCUSE US...


	17. Act 3 Part 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Word of advice from someone who still has loved ones who haven't learned this yet: Just because they're related to you by blood does not mean that you have to force yourself to love them or show affection to them when they have never done so to you before. If you are able (and also celebrate anything), spend the holidays with the people who_ actually _matter in your lives, not the people you've been told are_ supposed _to matter._
> 
> **Now That We Got That Crap Out Of The Way, Here's The Usual List Of Things I Stole From Because I'm Not Clever Enough To Come Up With My Own Material:** _Farscape,_ Super Best Friends Play, _The Lord of the Rings, Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock, Doctor Who, Young Frankenstein, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Game of Thrones, Final Fantasy VIII, Archer,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling who at some point in her life wrote a couple of books here and there that apparently no one ever bothered to fucking read.

ACT THREE, SCENE NINETEEN  
HOGWARTS, QUIDDITCH PITCH

_We open on DELPHI, enjoying every second of her changed identity...which, she didn't really change her identity — the boys don't even know she's not a Diggory yet. Really she's just enjoying not having to hide who she is anymore, which I suppose is kind of like an identity change...Where there was discomfort and insecurity, now there's just power. I feel like there's an analogy to be made here._

**Albus:** Good to know the Quidditch Pitch got rebuilt after the eight movie, since the movies were clearly referenced more than the books ever were.

_DELPHI says nothing._

**Scorpius:** This is where the third task took place — we're _still_ going back for frelling Cedric!? For what?

**Delphi:** 'Cause we need to make sure the most well-known spare dude in the history of the wizarding world lives.

**Albus:** But Ron's fine, though.

**Delphi:** ...Is Cedric really that forgettable?

**Albus:** Enh.

**Scorpius:** Insignificant. Disposable. Until this frelling dren came out, anyway.

**Delphi:** Whatever, I'm bringing back that evil future of evil that Scorpius saw.

**Scorpius:** So much you misunderstand about me, Delphi. Your actions...put your world at risk.

**Delphi:** So? From my point of view it doesn't sound all that evil. Those Mudbloods are not gonna like it when we destroy them. They're gonna be like “Please stop.” Also Voldemort. He seems dope.

**Scorpius:** So, nothing of what we saw was true? All of this was to try to bring Voldemort back? Not just you trying to start your own dren, thus being a more interesting and _original_ villain and not relying on Tolkien's thing about the bad guy always being Sauron?

**Delphi:** You should know by now. This play is concerned with the nostalgia of the past and the oldest of clichés. Why bother adding a unique spin on anything? Now, you've dicked around in the past so much that we can't try the first two tasks, so we've got to make sure to fuck up this one — it's our last chance to set things right.

**Albus:** Make things right for _you_ maybe, but if you think we're helping you you're out of your fucking mind.

**Delphi:** Yeah you will. And frankly I don't think inflating him like a balloon is enough of a humiliation. He needs to fly out of that maze naked on a broom made of purple feather dusters. I don't know how we'll be able to enchant _that_ to fly but I'm sure we'll think of something, while also ignoring the double standard of how truly disgustingly the previous sentence would be viewed if the genders were swapped. Gotta fulfill that prophecy somehow, amirite?

**Scorpius:** YOU DEMAND NOTHING! FRELLING HEZMANA I AM SO _SICK_ OF ALL THESE PROPHECIES, DID _NO ONE_ READ HBP, MERLIN'S NIPPLE CLAMPS.

**Delphi:** You know as well as I do that the beginning of this act was actually the most interesting part of the play so far, Scorpius. Don't you want that back?

**Albus:** No we don't! And we're not going to help you, whoever you really are that neither of us are thinking to ask right now!

**Delphi:** Yeah you will.

**Albus:** Imperio us, then, it's the only way, and there's always a chance that we'll be able to fight it off and you know it.

**Delphi:** Can't do that anyway. You have to do it. Of mostly your own free will. If only there was some way to motivate you.

_She takes out her wand. She points it at ALBUS, who sticks his chin out._

**Albus:** Bring it, bitch.

_DELPHI looks at him. And then turns her wand on SCORPIUS._

**Delphi:** M'kay.

**Albus:** Oh shit.

**Delphi:** Yep. Figured this would work. Probably should've led with it, in fact.

**Scorpius:** Albus. Torture alone would be ineffective. Whatever shippers point to this scene as further evidence that we're made for each other — remember the Death Eaters tried to do the same thing to Professor Longbottom in order to get the original prophecy from your dad and hardy anyone ships them together—

**Delphi:** _Crucio!_

_SCORPIUS yells out in pain. So. The way that is written, I am not picturing/mentally hearing the screams of agony I usually picture/mentally hear. I'm hearing a quick “Aaaah!” which then stops. Still probably pretty noisy, though, which is rather important to keep in mind..._

**Albus:** All right, all right, I'll do the thing!

**Delphi:** *laughs* I'm referring to you as the spare in this evil monologue, not realizing that had I chosen to interpret shit differently I could have somehow made it work so that _you_ were the spare that was foretold this whole time! But yeah, you want this horrible pain to stop, you'd best do the thing.

_She looks at ALBUS, despite his previous line his eyes stay resistant._

Dude I can do this all day. _Crucio!_

**Albus:** Wow, the lack of stage directions indicate that Scorpius didn't scream at all during that, that's impressive.

_CRAIG runs in, full of energy._

**Craig:** Now you might be wondering how I'm completely unperturbed by all the horrible obvious torture going on, but as the script has established, you lot weren't being as loud as one might expect after being hit by an Unforgivable, so I think I can be excused for not noticing the agony one of you is supposedly going through. Not sure how I missed the glowing ropes around you two, though...

**Albus:** GET OUT! GET OUTTA HERE!

**Craig:** Wait what's going on—

**Delphi:** _Avada kedavra._

_DELPHI sends a blast of green light across the stage — sure would like to see how that would be achieved live — CRAIG is propelled backward by it — and is immediately killed._

_There's a silence. A silence that seems to last for a long time. Because they wait a long time before continuing the scene. It's called letting time pass. I don't know whether or not this play is familiar with the concept._

How have you not got this yet? I kill people. I'm the bad guy.

_ALBUS and SCORPIUS look at CRAIG's body — their minds in hell. Fucking what. That is the shittiest way to describe someone who just watched someone die, Merlin's ruptured appendix._

For some reason it took me a while to find an ostensibly good guy's weakness despite it being the same in absolutely everything ever. It's always their loved ones, every single time. They'll do anything to protect them. Why am I acting as though your father was the one who made this popular when it is in literally everything ever.

_She looks at them both._

You're going to help me now, or your little friend dies. You're going to help me bring Voldemort back, so that I may rule by his side as the Augurey or whatever it was in the other world, despite the fact that I'm pretty damn skippy that I wouldn't've been raised by Euphemia Rowle and therefore wouldn't've had that kind of imagery ingrained into my head so actually that title was fucking pointless and wouldn't have existed. Whatever, here's the prophecy I was talking about earlier for the sake of expositing to the audience because why would a _smart_ villain ever give their victims any information to work with: “When spares are spared, when time is turned, when unseen children murder their fathers: Then will the Dark Lord return.”

_She smiles. She pulls SCORPIUS viciously toward her._

It was apparently published somewhere that Voldemort wanted to “kill the spare” — admittedly that was probably revealed in that first Quibbler article — and you, Albus—

_She pulls ALBUS viciously toward her._

—you're the unseen child that, via time travel, made sure his father was dead. _That_ is the real reason why Ginny's fate doesn't matter. I know the way the prophecy was worded it implies that multiple children have to kill multiple fathers but fuck you, this is totally gonna bring Voldemort back.

_The Time-Turner starts rotating, she pulls their hands to it. So I guess their hands are tied in front of them, then._

WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

_And then the exact same description for time travel happens, you get the drift._

ACT THREE, SCENE TWENTY  
TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT, MAZE, 1995

_The maze is a spiral of hedges that don't stop moving. This is fine if you're going with old-timey movie sets that have the background spin around and the actors pretending to walk, which I'm sure is all this stage direction is indicating because why would it be anything else. DELPHI walks determinedly through it. Behind her she drags ALBUS and SCORPIUS. Their arms bound, their legs reluctantly moving._

**Ludo Bagman:** Ladies and gentlemen — boys and girls — variations thereupon — this is the closest to the commentary I gave in the book — while still managing to be nowhere close — and yet none of this should be audible anyway — because whether the towering hedges are so tall and thick or because they have been enchanted — the sound of this surrounding crowd should be silenced the moment you enter the maze of the third task of the TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT!

_There is a loud cheer. DELPHI turns left. Her left, stage left, we will never know._

If you're from Hogwarts, give me a cheer.

_There's a loud cheer from close to a thousand people._

If you're from Durmstrang, somehow match that.

_There is a somehow equally loud cheer._

AND IF YOU'RE FROM BEAUXBATONS EITHER USE SONORUS OR GO BACK TO FRANCE NO ONE LIKES YOU AND YOUR LANGUAGE IS STUPID LEARN TO SPELL THINGS.

_There's a somehow equally loud cheer._

_DELPHI and the boys are forced to move as a hedge closes okay I can't do this read the book read_ a _book do_ something _that even fucking_ resembles _research you lazy piece of subhuman garbage I HAVE GOF OPEN NEXT TO ME RIGHT NOW THIS IS NOT THAT FUCKING DIFFICULT JESUS FUCKING SHIT CHRIST._

Fuck, I could actually hear the French this time, now I can't insult them as hard. And now, instead of just yelling out the point spread and announcing when everyone's going to start, I'm going to give you an in-depth explanation of how this task works! By lying to you! 'Cause this is not how this task actually works!

_VIKTOR KRUM passes across the stage, moving through the maze._

Huh, that's strange, the task hasn't even started yet, by virtue of the fact that I am still talking. And — shit, I just thought of this — shouldn't Mad-Eye be, y'know, _seeing_ any of these trespassers? Like apparently one's really easy to notice, she kind of stands out and would be easy to remember — everything Junior's been working toward hinges on Harry getting to the Cup before anyone else and he would not want to jeopardize that just to see how this pans out.

**Delphi:** Considering that the task has indeed somehow started by now, I'm actually perfectly justified in wondering where Cedric is.

_A hedge almost dissects ALBUS and SCORPIUS. Fuck my life._

**Scorpius:** You know, GoF is my favorite of the original eight movies. Without doubt. Despite probably being the worst adaptation — the music, the tone, the aesthetic, the fact that this was a time when the actors were still clearly enjoying what they were doing, the wealth of special features they bothered to include to add to that interpretation — it all makes for an enjoyable experience for me personally. And now this play is _making_ me hate it. Frell this play to death.

**Delphi:** Literally no one cares.

**Ludo Bagman:** And the reason I just thought of that is that Viktor just wandered past and I idly wondered whether or not he'd been Imperiused yet. Which, if he has, he should probably take out any sudden wild cards that could easily ruin all of Junior's carefully laid plans...

**Scorpius:** Okay I want out of this so badly right now. I believe I've burrowed far enough.

**Albus:** Which do you want out of, the play or the situation?

**Scorpius:** Yes. Without hesitation.

**Albus:** Well I can't help you with that first thing. Or that second thing, really. I have a real problem with you being tortured.

**Scorpius:** Wasted energy, Albus. Now focus! For I am ready to die if it'll stop Voldemort returning.

**Albus:** I'm not talking about you dying, 'cause I know, and I think I might honor that. I'm talking about you potentially being Longbottomed. And not the Boy Was Puberty Good To Matthew Lewis kind.

**Scorpius:** Oh yeah, her other parent. But even if I end up that way, you'll either be dead or following in my footsteps soon e-frelling-nough. Not to mention that once we help her, she's probably going to get rid of us as soon as we've outlived our usefulness anyway. If I was in your situation, I'd be attempting to present evidence that I still served a purpose.

**Albus:** *desperate* So that whole five-minute thing would really help us out right about now...

**Scorpius:** There's so little time. Sometimes I feel...it is already inevitable.

_As another hedge refuses to even glance in the direction of the book it was based on, DELPHI pulls ALBUS and SCORPIUS in after her. They continue through this...maze of...of despair. Merlin's fucking nutcracker collection, what is with these descriptors. I thought my soul was dead, and yet it still manages to be killed even more._

**Ludo Bagman:** ...Why am I only now covering the point spread, and that without even mentioning said point totals, the task has already started, the champions are _in_ the fucking maze right now. I mean, I could be filling for time since we can't see what's happening and we're all stuck staring at a hedge maze for however long it takes for You-Know-Who to come back, monologue, and allow Harry to escape — what a delightful _spectator sport_ we've come up with — but why would I be stating all this as if it were brand-new information when I had already told you all this before the task even started?

_Suddenly, ALBUS and SCORPIUS emerge from behind a hedge, they're running. And presumably still tied up with really bright glowing ropes that would be impossible for Mad-Eye Crouch Jr. to not notice._

**Albus:** ...How the fuck did we lose her.

**Scorpius:** Iunno, but if we lose her we lose the chance to go back the future so we better find her. Depends on how close she is. Delphi? Delphi, are you here? Oh. So you are.

_DELPHI rises up after them. She's flying, and without a broom._

**Delphi:** You fucked up.

_She throws the boys to the ground. Implying that she picked them up at some point, magically or otherwise. I. Cannot. Picture shit the way I am supposed to. The way that it is written._

Thinking you could escape me.

**Albus:** *defensive* We really weren't; you're kind of our ride, unfortunately. Also why am I so freaked out that you're flying, both your dad and one of my namesakes could do that no problem. Was that never taught or something? _Or did someone not read a certain selection of books recently._

**Delphi:** Not a clue, now hurry up, we only have two more minutes.

**Scorpius:** It's not...easy...is it? Considering this scene's still got a ways to go...

**Delphi:** You're saying we'll fail?

**Scorpius:** At the moment, yes.

**Delphi:** Yeah but we won't because prophecies and fate and shit.

**Scorpius:** *scoffs* How many men have a goal — a _challenge!_ A destiny as clear as yours! And what if you were wrong? All because you listened to some utter nonsense and took it at face value!

**Delphi:** DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

**Scorpius:** No. No. This is not how this is going to play out. What I am going to do now is, I'm going to reach into my robe and pull out a collection of papers bound together on one side in a cohesive fashion. I will then turn to one of these papers and look at the symbols imprinted on it. These symbols will be formed together in such a way that my brain will be able to interpret them as the language that we are speaking right now. Ahem. “You see, the prophecy does not mean you _have_ to do anything!” Wow, that was so much fun, I think I might do it again! “In other words, you are free to choose your own way, quite free to turn your back on the prophecy.” Hey! Hey you better listen to him, Delphi, he's smarter than you!

**Delphi:** How _dare_ you bring a canonical argument into this nonsensical clusterfuck. _Crucio!_

_SCORPIUS is racked with pain. And either he was quiet about it again or_ he _gave out the shriek HARRY heard instead of FLEUR, which never did make sense to me since she was just Stunned anyway, so..._

**Albus:** Hey. Hey. Hey. Maybe don't do that. I don't like it when you hurt my bestest friendly-friend.

**Scorpius:** And she couldn't! I'm fine! Quite fine! You know what you have to do, Albus.

_ALBUS looks at SCORPIUS, finally aware of what he as to do. He nods._

**Delphi:** ...You guys realize I'm gonna murder you now, right?

**Albus:** *is full of strength* Meh. There are worse things. Which frankly you don't have enough time for.

_DELPHI rises up — hopefully not too high or MAD-EYE CROUCH JR. wouldn't be the only one able to see her and still do fuck all about it — full of fury._

**Delphi:** Oh I'm sure I could spare a few seconds to make sure your last moments are utterly miserable. Cru—

**Mysterious voice, OH WHOEVER COULD IT POSSIBLY BE:** _Expelliarmus!_

_Bang. DELPHI's wand is pulled away from her. SCORPIUS looks up in astonishment. Not ALBUS though, fuck him._

_Brachiabindo!_ Because fuck _incarcerous_ , why use established lore for anything ever!

_And DELPHI is bound. SCORPIUS and ALBUS then turn as one and stare in astonishment at where the bolt came from: a young, good-looking lad who_ is _seventeen because he'd so clearly had a September or October birthday like ANGELINA did why do people not understand this, CEDRIC._

**Cedric:** *I'm not doing his weird formal Shakespearean speak, fuck you* ...Why are you so surprised, you already saw me in previous tasks. Or is this the first time I've been on stage, I thought I was at _least_ in the second task, Merlin's fidget spinners...

**Scorpius:** Cedric Diggory, is it? I don't believe we've had the pleasure. Gonna be honest, with all the fuss Remus made about _expelliarmus_ being Harry's signature spell, I was half-expecting it to be him and not you. Obviously this is more narratively convenient, but I still think that would've been more interesting. So of course they didn't do that.

**Cedric:** So apparently there _was_ screaming, though you'll never see the guy with the well-established saving-people-thing coming to help out. Huh, one of you actually looks quite a bit like him, that's weird.

_ALBUS wheels around, astonished._

**Albus:** ...Okay, this is a thing. A very convenient thing.

**Scorpius:** Oh yes, in that at least Thorne has been completely forthright.

**Cedric:** So...You one of the obstacles? From the actual book? Or did Draco Malfoy sneak in to try and sabotage Potter with one of his cronies that I don't pay attention to.

**Scorpius:** Sabotage? Hey yeah, why does no one notice that about me whenever we do this. This is why I can't have you around. You know me too well.

**Cedric:** Seriously, what's your deal.

_There's a silence._

**Scorpius:** ...Cedric, I have something for you to do. I will offer you a deal. Let us go and we'll get out of your way so that you can progress. I command you...to help me!

**Cedric:** That is probably the most suspicious thing I've heard all year, and a fourteen-year-old somehow smuggled his way into a tournament meant for adults, so Imma _not_ do that.

**Scorpius:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Cedric:** Hmm. Okay! _Emancipare! Emancipare!_

_The boys are freed._

So, um, move? Please?

_The boys look at CEDRIC — they are heartbroken._

**Scorpius:** Your deal...was successful.

**Cedric:** Cool.

_CEDRIC walks confidently away. ALBUS looks after him — desperate to say something, unsure what to say._

**Albus:** Your father loves you, Cedric.

_CEDRIC turns toward him._

**Cedric:** U wot?

_Behind them, DELPHI's body creeps into movement. She crawls along the ground._

**Albus:** He will remember it before the end.

**Cedric:** ...And my mum?

**Albus:** Pfft, like _she_ matters.

**Cedric:** Okay. Um. Fuck yourself.

_CEDRIC flips ALBUS a two-fingered salute, and then walks on, never once bringing any of this up to HARRY and MAD-EYE CROUCH JR. also chooses not to bring it up when he is Varitaserumed later and goes on a lengthy rant about how he manipulated this task. DELPHI pulls out the Time-Turner her from within her robes, despite her supposedly being tied up._

**Scorpius:** Hey!

**Albus:** We out of time?

**Scorpius:** That, and she's about to go back again. Which, we should probably go back with her if we don't want to be stuck here. Request immediate extraction.

_ALBUS and SCORPIUS both scramble to grab part of the Time-Turner._

_Time travel happens, you get it by now._

OKAY when the yotz are we, apart from a time when the Quidditch pitch wasn't a hedge maze anymore, which should really have been addressed in the stage directions but never is. Well perhaps you're holding back. Oh frell they didn't forget to take that out, did they?

**Albus:** Fuck, there really was no other way out of there but to follow the dangerous murderous psychopath, was there.

**Scorpius:** No. Not this time, Albus.

**Delphi:** ...Okay, that was a bust. But now...maybe those book quotes were onto something after all. Maybe _no one_ should listen to prophecies. Ooooh, have I got a cunning plan now...Welp, I don't need you two anymore, that's for certain. Instead, I'm off to do something that doesn't involve obsessively checking over GoF in such a way that it doesn't actually seem like we bothered going over it at all except for the vaguest of memories. No, it's time to fuck with a different era altogether — an era in which James and Lily were still alive. You know. Prequel stuff. AKA _shit most people fucking wanted in the first fucking place._

_She crushes the Time-Turner. It explodes into a thousand pieces._

_DELPHI ascends again into the air. She laughs in delight as she sets off hard away._

_The boys try to chase her, but they've not the slightest chance. She flies, they run._

**Albus:** ...Why the fuck didn't she kill us so as to be sure that we couldn't fuck with her plans later, or at least to have some extra fun before she fucked even more with the fabric of reality.

**Scorpius:** You don't think there'll be an explanation—

**Albus:** But there will be.

**Scorpius:** But there sure won't be.

**Albus:** Oh _noooooo..._

_SCORPIUS turns back and tries to pick up the Time-Turner pieces._

The Shikon Jewel? It's destroyed?

**Scorpius:** Heh, first thing that popped into my mind, too, how low have we fallen. But no. Unfortunately wrong. On all counts. This will not descend into a far-too-long will-they-won't-they that you barely have to know what's going on to appreciate how boll yotz and annoying it is. *beat* ...I mean, anymore than this play has already become.

**Albus:** HA, zing.

**Scorpius:** But yeah, we should really focus on exactly when we are and try to stop her from mucking things up at least, even if we can't find a way back to the future. We do this ourselves, if you're up to it.

**Albus:** Well, Hogwarts still looks the same, to the point where I'm pretty grateful no one decided to practice Quidditch right now.

**Scorpius:** Frell, never thought about that, we should leave on the off-chance one starts soon, it's not clear what time of day it is. They _are_ overdue, I believe.

**Albus:** ...So she'll be able to Apparate as soon as she's off the grounds.

**Scorpius:** Will she? Did Cedric disarming her mean she lost her wand back — forward — in 1995, or did she get it back? Either way, we need more than weapons, we need a plan.

**Albus:** I know, even if we did still have wands — which we don't — we have no way of transporting ourselves. Out of the frying freezer and into the fire fridge.

**Scorpius:** Insignificant, Albus. We didn't when we jumped off the train either, or when we had to get to the Ministry, and yet we still ended up wherever the plot needed us to go in record time. What's stopping us from repeating that now?

ACT THREE, SCENE TWENTY-ONE  
ST. OSWALDS'S HOME FOR OLD WITCHES AND WIZARDS, DELPHI'S ROOM

_HARRY, HERMIONE, RON, DRACO, and GINNY look around a simple oak-paneled room._

**Harry:** So we can say pretty definitively that she Confunded everyone here, yeah? Well, Amos anyway, paperwork's _super_ easy to forge with magic, this is known.

**Ron and Draco:** It is known.

**Hermione:** The Ministry evidently has evidence on every single magical being in existence, but I can't find any record of anyone even with her first name. I got nothin', guys.

**Draco:** _Specialis revelio!_

_Everyone turns to look at DRACO._

Dude I don't care if it's a second-year spell, at least I'm fucking doing something.

**Ginny:** What can this room even tell us, there's like nowhere to hide anything.

**Ron:** Unless she hid shit in the walls.

**Draco:** Under the mattress is more likely but I like where your brain is. Hey, is that a dresser?

**Ron:** Your _mum's_ a dresser.

**Draco:** My mum _is_ a dresser. She dresses up. Every day.

_DRACO starts examining the bed, GINNY a lamp, as the rest start examining the wooden wall panels._

**Ron:** *shouts as he hammers on the walls* Come on, detection powers from the PoA PS2 game, don't fail me now!

**Hermione:** Okay maybe we should actually come up with something more substantial than wall-banging and mattress-sniffing if we really want to figure out—

_GINNY unscrews a chimney from an oil lamp. There's a breathing-out noise, otherwise known as an exhale for those who are so clearly under-educated and don't read much. And then hissing words. They all turn toward it._

Or. Hmm, wonder what that was.

**Harry:** And what do Augureys have to do with anything — oh shit, that's what ruled by Voldemort's side during Scorpius's shit future, this isn't good. Wait, how did she know to call herself the Augurey if she only just now fancied it as a title when the boys told her about it?

**Hermione:** Why're you rambling about an Augurey?

**Harry:** ...The lamp just said “Welcome, Augurey.”

**Hermione:** No it didn't, it just...

**Draco:** ...hissed...

**Harry:** …

**Ron:** …

**Hermione:** …

**Ginny:** …

**Draco:** …

**Harry:** …

**Ron:** …

**Hermione:** …

**Ginny:** …

**Draco:** …

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Harry:** …

**Ron:** …

**Hermione:** …

**Ginny:** …

**Draco:** …

**Harry:** ...The Horcrux is dead.

**Hermione:** And yet you've been having visions and your scar's been hurting.

**Ginny:** Visions that don't work like his normal ones and are really just an amalgamation of PTSD nightmare flashbacks that trigger _phantom pain_ whenever they're about Voldemort!

**Hermione:** And could always be rationalized as such. Until now.

**Ron:** ...I know how to say “open” in Parseltongue, though. That is not a thing I would forget. Even in the films that was a thing.

**Draco:** We're just throwing any semblance of faithfulness out the window at this point. Potter, do the thing so we can get on with shit already.

_HARRY shuts his eyes even though it has also long since been established that he needs a serpentine visual of some kind in order to speak in Parseltongue. He speaks in Parseltongue._

_The room transforms around them, becoming darker and...more desperate? I've watched a_ lot _of Silent Hill LPs and I wouldn't even describe the rooms as any of_ those _games as “desperate.” Merlin's aloe vera plant. A writhing mass of painted snakes emerges on the walls._

_And then, written in fluorescent paint, a prophecy._

Dafuq is this? I can only assume that it's me, Draco, still speaking, but who the fuck knows by this point.

**Ron:** “When spares are spared, when time is turned, when unseen children murder their fathers: Then will the Dark Lord return.” Just in case you four forgot how to read.

**Ginny:** ...Somehow I automatically know this is a prophecy and not the summation of a plan to bring Voldemort back. Which...who made this prophecy? Who heard it? Who popularized it enough to have it become relevant to those who heard it?

**Hermione:** Oh like any of that matters, just turn your brain off and go with it.

**Ginny:** ...No? You are diving into a massive, established franchise with literal decades of lore behind it at this point. If you ignore or don't explain something, fans _will_ be pissed off about it. Hence this whole fucking parody and why people who weren't bedazzled by the visual spectacle are so fucking harsh on the only version they have access to, and fuck, even people who've _seen_ it are harsh on it!

**Evanna Lynch in an interview with Buzzfeed:** I personally just feel like, you know what, Jo is queen of the Harry Potter world. You may not like it, but you don’t like everything that happens in your own life. You know, your own life follows trajectories that you didn’t plan, so you just have to accept it. I do understand about some people not accepting Cursed Child, because it’s not pure J.K. Rowling. I know she approved everything, and she was so heavily involved in the creative process, but she didn’t write it. So, for me, the portrayal of Harry is not…right. [...] It’s like, it’s speculative, but for me it’s not the real Harry Potter world. It just didn’t feel like Harry to me. I relate to people who have that purist mindset that if it’s from J.K. Rowling’s mind, then it is, but that’s not just her creation, it’s a lot of people’s creations. It’s the same way the films are an amalgamation of so many people’s visions and opinions of the Harry Potter universe, so you don’t have to accept that. That’s why part of me is always a little bit sad that she didn’t write the encyclopaedia.

**Hermione:** That's nice no one cares. Voldemort called Cedric a spare, right?

**Ron:** And of course this all started because of a fucking Time-Turner that _you_ wouldn't destroy. It's all your fault. Person.

_Their faces sink._

**Hermione:** It literally is. Good to know.

**Ron:** Hey, I only tease you because you being wrong is joyful for everyone. But why does she need Albus or Scorpius?

**Harry:** Besides Albus technically killing me by going back the second time? Because he's so easy to manipulate and because Scorpius'll do whatever Albus wants him to 'cause he's got no other friends?

**Draco:** When you put it like that, _man_ is our kids' relationship unhealthy, pure platonic friendship or otherwise.

**Harry:** Yeah, can't believe _you_ didn't try to separate your son from mine sooner, that was the _real_ danger.

**Draco:** No kidding. So who is this bitch anyway?

**Ginny:** Fucking — _look!?_

_They all turn to her. She points up...Their collective faces sink further and fill with confusion._

_Words are revealed on all the walls of the auditorium —dangerous words, base-breaking words._

“I will rebirth the Dark. I will bring by father back.” *beat* Is...Did I just read that? IS this still Ginny? Am I still talking?

**Ron:** ...Beyond the fact that why would she write something like this on the fucking walls...Fucking... _what?_ I'm not saying that's impossible but what I am saying is that that's impossible.

**Hermione:** This is the most clichéd fanfic plot...I mean, _apart_ from all the time travel nonsense, that's actually pretty common too...Wow, they are really hyping up this character that no one likes!

**Ron:** Uh, people like her, though I've never met them.

**Hermione:** No.

**Draco:** And now I'm picturing Voldemort having sex, great. *sighs* I really thought it was all lies.

**Ron:** You thought it was all lies, didn't you.

**Draco:** Yeah.

**Ron:** I know because you just said that.

_They look up, resigned to the worst. GINNY takes HARRY's hand, hoping that he won't end up fucking this new OC as always happens in every other fanfic where Voldemort has a daughter._

**Harry:** It wasn't just phrasing. _It wasn't just phrasing._

_We cut to black._


	18. Act 4 Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Guys Kingdom Hearts III Is Coming Out Exactly One Month From Now What Is Even Happening Yes I Will Be Doing More KH Stuff Next How DID You Guess:** Super Best Friends Play, Patton Oswalt's Annihilation, _Farscape, How to Train Your Dragon, Kingdom Hearts,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling who once said that there's a certain character she misses writing for the most, who just happens to be the one character I have the most problems with in the entire series.

ACT FOUR, SCENE ONE  
MINISTRY OF MAGIC, GRAND MEETING ROOM

_Wizards and witches from backstage cram into the grand meeting room. HERMIONE walks into a hastily made stage. Why they couldn't use the one from the last time this situation happened is beyond me, judging from the few images I could find that's totally what happened last time, it's called reusing sets, Merlin. She raises her hand for silence. Silence falls. She's surprised at the lack of effort it took. Why, she's the fucking Minister, this is what should be expected to happen instead of having the need to cast Silencing Charms. She looks around herself._

**Hermione:** ...OKAY, let's get right down to it. I'm going to exposit a lot of things to catch everyone up and as a refresher for the audience, so please let me ramble and _then_ ask questions, m'kay? M'kay.

So we got another dead kid at Hogwarts, and yes we will still be maintaining that that deathtrap is the safest place there is even after all this is said and done. Craig Bowker, Jr. was a good boy. And that is literally all we know about him. Like I'm vaguely certain he was a Slytherin and might've made a decent prefect one day if he wasn't one already, and that's just because his penultimate time on stage had him sounding like a clone of Percy, but otherwise we don't know shit so who gives a fuck. And no we don't quite know who did it yet, but our main suspect was working undercover as a nurse at St. Oswald's. We found a new prophecy there, which I'm sure you're all thrilled to hear about — hang about, why am I tell you this? Widespread knowledge of the other prophecy didn't do anyone any favors last time, why am I sharing this information with any of you now? Especially since Harry was meant to have told Ron and me everything that happened in his lessons with Dumbledore, which would have _included_ the “prophecies are bullshit” conversation! All I'm doing now, especially for the Parvatis and Lavenders of the Wizarding World, which is most of you, is causing unnecessary panic! Fuck, and I thought _Kloves_ couldn't get me right, at least he _sometimes_ knew what he was doing! Thorne really had no fucking clue, did he? The only panic I _should_ be causing is letting the public know that we can now confirm that Voldemort reproduced and that's _it._

_The news reverberates around the room._

We still don't know shit, but we're asking any and all former Death Eaters if they noticed anything strange going on during the last couple of books while they were all conveniently off-page doing Merlin knows what, but so far nothing's come up. And _no one_ can pinpoint where the prophecy originated. The offspring was well hidden even beyond the reaches of the Ministry, and now she's—

**Professor McGonagall:** She? A daughter? He had a daughter?

**Hermione:** ...Which is so surprising because...?

**Professor McGonagall:** I-I just automatically assumed—

**Hermione:** The real question you should be asking is how a vessel that had less than a percent of a soul left, assuming it was divided equally every time, and with a new body to boot, somehow had fully functioning dick and balls. Because if he did, then that should answer that question easily as every sperm carries a chance of generally either Y _or X_ chromosomes being passed on. And frankly, even if he hadn't, his daughter still answers to female pronouns anyway so that's what we're going with. So why don't you take your sexist bullshit that you of all people should not possess and go fuck yourself with it, eh!?

**Professor McGonagall:** ...So you've got her in custody, yes?

**Hermione:** Er...no. We're pretty sure she time traveled out of our reach.

**Professor McGonagall:** I TOLD YOU TO GET RID OF THE BLOODY TIME TURNER!

**Some rando:** Why can't any of us talk if we're not named, because I for one would love to hear how the Ministry justifies lying to our faces when they denied the existence of such a device near the beginning of the play. Frankly, how does one expect to trust one's government when those working for it are so ready to lie to our faces, make only the flimsiest of excuses, and receive no consequences?

**Hermione:** Know your place and shut your mouth, no-named filth. Professor, we've been over this, the boys dropped it in the lake and no one we've spoken to yet knows a lick of Mermish!

**Professor McGonagall:** YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE KEPT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, OR AT MINIMUM YOU SHOULD HAVE SENT IT TO THE DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES WHERE IT BELONGED! EVERY SHITTY THING THAT HAPPENED IN THIS PLAY NOT CAUSED BY OVER-EMOTIONAL POTTERS IS LITERALLY ALL YOUR FAULT!

_HERMIONE flinches in the face of the motherfucking truth being told to her a third time._

**Harry:** No, she doesn't deserve that.

**Professor McGonagall:** Yeah she does.

**Literally everyone else:** Yeah she does.

**Harry:** ...Okay, yes, but it's not _all_ her fault, see. 'Cause I did and said a lotta shit that drove my son away, so maybe the Time-Turner was actually hidden from us and given to Delphi, you don't know.

**Ginny:** Or they could've initially kept it from us because, as Professor McGonagall rightfully pointed out, we don't have the best track record of being responsible with the bloody thing any more than they are. And would you stop pretending like you were the only one responsible for Al's existence? So you ejaculated one time and came up with a shit name, good for you, that's all you're implied to have ever done with him. He is _my_ child too, deal with it.

_GINNY joins HARRY on the stage._

**Professor McGonagall:** Oh good, more people to blame when this all goes tits up, cheers for that.

**Harry:** We're better than this! We swear we are!

**Ginny:** No we're not!

**Draco:** Yeah I'm gonna get in on this.

_DRACO walks up to the stage and stands beside GINNY. This is...This is almost...*deep sigh*...a Spartacus moment._

**Patton Oswalt:** I wanna write something original and new and there's nothing more demoralizing than pitching a movie because you will always reference other movies when you pitch a movie, and you feel so uncreative when you do it. Like — “So, at the beginning, uh, the office, I want the same kind of energy as _The Newsroom_ and _All The President's Men,_ with all the background dialogue,” and you're like “I'm a fucking idiot.”

_Thorne could have said that “I want it to be like that moment in_ Spartacus” _when he was describing what he wanted to happen just fine, but to keep it in the fucking_ mass published for absolutely everyone _script!? The fuck!? Besides which, we probably could've got that from the description/visuals without you shoveling the reference down our fucking throats — that is_ my _job. And this is a completely unprofessional_ internet parody. _This is where I shit-post for lols and really dig deep into all the ways this doesn't work for my own fucked-up amusement and to get all this shit out of my brain. You are supposed to be a professional fucking playwright._ Maybe you should fucking act like it. _Oh and people are gasping or whatever._

Granger and Potter did nothing wrong.

**Professor McGonagall:** DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SICKENING THAT MEME IS.

**Draco:** No shut up it's great. Anyway my son's also involved and therefore so am I.

_HERMIONE looks at her cohort, moved. HARRY gives not one fuck that DRACO or GINNY supported him and HERMIONE. RON joins them on the stage having sensed the DRAMIONE SHIPPERS back in full force after this one stage direction._

**Ron:** So I may have been complicit in giving a Date Rape Drug to an underage boy for him to use on others, but apart from that repulsive act, I didn't have anything to do with any of this, and was in fact deliberately left out of huge chunks of it. But Albus is my nephew — apparently my only nephew at this point — so I'll stand here too I guess. And despite Percy working at the Department of Magical Transportation and George possibly being here tonight with me as my colleague, I guess they just don't exist anymore along with the rest of our family so they can all go fuck themselves I guess.

**Ginny:** We have told you absolutely everything we know about the situation.

**Hermione:** And here's what we've been doing in the meantime in order to gain more information: we've talked to the giants, again without needlessly name-dropping known characters who may or may not have acted as liaisons because why have either of them show up in the play even when one of them _actually is in the play._ We've also talked to the trolls. No fucking luck there. The Aurors are busy shaking down everyone and anyone we haven't yet forced to talk.

**Harry:** But really we're kind of just waiting to be written out of existence again. If we're still here, that means she hasn't succeeded yet.

**Professor McGonagall:** What about if she does succeed? Will we even be aware of it?

**Harry:** ...Not really. Mankind is so owned...

ACT FOUR, SCENE TWO  
AVIEMORE TRAIN STATION, 1981

_ALBUS and SCORPIUS are looking at a STATIONMASTER, apprehensively._

**Albus:** You'd think with Dad's upbringing me and the siblings that don't exist anymore would be better at talking to Muggles.

**Scorpius:** Don't look at me; my parents might basically be blood traitors now but that doesn't mean they put the work in to interact with them all that much. I'll do my best. Trust me on that.

**Albus:** Think either of us're taking that Muggle Studies elective if it's even still an elective?

**Scorpius:** Oh...I doubt it.

**Albus:** You know what annoys me most of all? Dad will think we did it deliberately.

**Scorpius:** ...Albus.... _quiet!_ I have had it up to _here_ with your daddy issues — if you bring that dren up one more time I will punch you in your frelling throat.

**Albus:** All right, all right, message received.

**Scorpius:** Good. Now to talk about how much you fancied the villain of this particular...whatever the frell this is. No more distractions, Albus.

**Albus:** *immediately comes up with a distraction* ...Should we talk about the fact that Craig's dead, or—?

**Scorpius:** Our task...is much more important. Honestly, he's not worth _ever_ bringing up again until very briefly in the last scene, he was such a nothing character. _Cedric_ had more personality given to him before _he_ was killed off. But yeah, we need some kind of game plan because right now we've got nothing but our brains, which — those failing constantly is what got us into this mess in the first place, so we basically have nothing. In addition...We've been here too long. I have a highly-developed survival sense; it's telling me to leave.

**Stationmaster:** *speaks in very strong Scottish accent to the point where I can't make fun of it if I don't understand what the fuck he's saying* Ye ken th' auld reekie train is running late, boys?

**Scorpius:** ...He's right, you know.

**Stationmaster:** If you're waitin oan t' auld reekie train, yo'll need tae ken it's running late. Train wirks oan th' line. It's a' oan th' amended time buird.

_He looks at them, they look back bewildered. He frowns and hands them an amended timetable. He points to the right bit of it._

Fookin' late, ye daft twats.

_ALBUS takes it and examines it. His face changes as he takes in enormous information, yuge, it's the biggest information there ever was, bigger than big, believe me, the biggest, believe me. SCORPIUS just stares at the STATIONMASTER. Who by all accounts is still there staring at them as they go over this important revelaiton and the fact that they're time travelers. That'll go over well with the Muggle who's still evidently right next to them and who's not reporting the two clearly lost and perhaps mentally addled teenagers to any authority whatsoever._

**Albus:** I know where we have to go.

**Scorpius:** Oh you're learning whatever that language was? Clever.

**Albus:** Take your own advice and read something for a change, dumbass.

_SCORPIUS leans in and reads._

**Scorpius:** The thirtieth October, 1981. For some reason I need a moment to process the significance of this date. And _I'm_ the smart one who knows his history. It doesn't matter. We may now have the data we need.

_SCORPIUS's face falls to the ground as he realizes how breathtakingly fucked they are._

**Albus:** I mean, for one, my grandparents would live, but for another, so would Voldemort. Like, fully. Which, bad.

**Scorpius:** Oh frell, she's gonna take the book quotes I told her about and tell them to Voldemort so he won't pay attention to the original prophecy anymore. I suppose...We're about to find out.

**Albus:** Indeed, thank you for summing that up.

_SCORPIUS's face somehow falls even more despite being on the ground right now._

**Scorpius:** ...So this is all my fault, then. I accept your terms.

**Albus:** Good for you. But also _she_ might try to kill Harry herself to prevent Voldemort from exploding, so we should probably get to Godric's Hollow by the time the next scene starts. Also maybe don't read too much into me calling him Harry instead of Dad just there—

**Scorpius:** *punches him in the throat*

ACT FOUR, SCENE THREE  
GODRIC'S HOLLOW, 1981

_ALBUS and SCORPIUS are magically at Godric's Hollow, despite a complete lack of magic being involved, because I guess th' auld reekie train conveniently took them there considering they really don't have another mode of transportation available to them. It is a bustling, beautiful little village._

**Scorpius:** Oh good, it hasn't exploded yet. For the moment.

**Albus:** ...Well this place is adorable.

**Scorpius:** It is. _How_ have you never been here before.

**Albus:** Honestly? No idea. Dad offered during a previous scene before our fourth year started, as a genuine effort to connect with me in a way he never did with James and Lily, but I, being the teenage bag of douche that I am, told him to fuck off. Why he never brought any of us here before that? Not a clue. Why, what're you thinking?

**Scorpius:** That time is running out. Delphi...will return very soon. But I say we put our worrying about the evil villain who wants to kill your dad out of our minds for a while so we can look at this pretty church.

_As he indicates a church becomes visible, I guess implying that they just walked up to it or something._

**Albus:** Yeah it's nice I guess. I assume. _I'll never be able to see it._

**Scorpius:** Don't you like your past, Albus? After all, your grandparents'll soon be buried in that graveyard along with your namesake's family, isn't that delightful? *points in another direction* Either the dren I've read is ridonculously detailed or Dad actually took _me_ to visit here once, which, I mean, he actually knows me and my interests so I guess he figured I'd appreciate the historical visit...Anyway, there's going to be an adorable statue of James Sr. and Lily Sr. holding Baby Your Dad right over there...

**Albus:** Wait, for real?

**Scorpius:** You think I'm bluffing? **Do you want to die?** How have you not at least played the Lego games, it's right there! And over _there_ is where Bathilda Bagshot used to live. Still lives. Tenses are so confusing when time traveling.

**Albus:** ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT MY DAD AND MY AUNT ACTUALLY MET HER ZOMBIFIED CORPSE AT SOME POINT!?

**Scorpius:** ...Wow, _none_ of your family ever bothered to tell you about anything, did they, that's depressing — HOLY HEZMANA THERE SHE IS NOW! With no sigh of being a temporary vessel for a huge snake, good for her! Oh at last. At _last_...Aaaaand now I want to ask her _all_ of the questions while we still have the chance...

**Albus:** Scorpius? Fate of reality? Maybe focus?

**Scorpius:** ...Oh, look! Your grandparents' house! That we can plainly see with our eyeballs! Despite the Fidelius Charm being placed over the house! And if you try to argue that it was actually placed over the family and not necessarily the house then why was James going stir-crazy _because they couldn't leave the house_ according to Lily's letter to Sirius! LOOK AT IT!

**Albus:** It is in no way confusing for me to be addressing my grandparents by my siblings' names, I assure you. Mostly because I may as well have not had any siblings for the entirety of the play even before all this time travel shit happened.

_A young, attractive couple leave a house with a baby in a pushchair. Now even the argument that the Fidelius protected the family and not the location falls flat, as does Lily's letter to Sirius, as does the Fidelius as a whole, as does any semblance of effort this play was pretending to have. ALBUS moves toward them, SCORPIUS pulls him back._

**Scorpius:** This is all very pleasant, Albus, but shouldn't we be working? Or at least, pretending to work?

**Albus:** Well at least we beat her here. Despite her being able to Apparate or at least fly and us _maybe_ taking a train here at best and going on a light jog at worst.

**Scorpius:** ...Plan?

**Albus:** Pfft, I don't fucking know.

**Scorpius:** Me neither. I don't know what the best course of action here is.

**Albus:** What is the best course of action.

**Scorpius:** The best course of action is just for Delphi to frelling die.

**Albus:** The best course of action is for us to just...stop.

ACT FOUR, SCENE FOUR  
MINISTRY OF MAGIC, HARRY'S OFFICE

_HARRY is hurriedly going through paperwork._

**Dumbledore:** 'Sup, nerd.

_A beat. HARRY looks up at the portrait of DUMBLEDORE, his face passive._

**Harry:** Remember when we ruined everything?

**Dumbledore:** Mm-hmm. Whatcha dooooooin'?

**Harry:** Trying to find the slightest iota of information that could help us while also sort of just waiting around to be erased from existence.

_Pause. DUMBLEDORE says nothing._

Thanks for all your help, by the way, really appreciated all the stellar advice you totally gave throughout the play.

**Dumbledore:** Okay, I get it, I'm here now, what do you want.

**Harry:** For you to actually be around when you're needed instead of showing up either after everything's happened or too late to stop the bad thing from happening. But that's never going to happen, is it.

**Dumbledore:** Dude I'm kind of dead.

**Harry:** And yet you're still here. Which is good, because now I have the pleasure of watching how you react when I tell you exactly what I think of you without the fear of being expelled. And it also doubles as yet another handy excuse as to why you were never around when all the children were handling all your problems for you, doesn't it? You deliberately led me to clues that would help me go against Quirrell. You never bothered to talk to Myrtle after she came back as a ghost, ensuring that me and Ron would have to go down to the Chamber basically alone. You all but ordered me and Hermione to break the laws of time and space the first time this bullshit started instead of going your-fucking-self. The film implied that you didn't fight harder to get me out of the tournament so you could see where it went — a not very unreasonable interpretation of events. As you yourself said, me going to the Ministry to try and save Sirius was entirely your fault. And then you didn't really bother to tell me all that much about how to _destroy_ Horcruxes after I found then, now did you. Every single time it really counted, you weren't there. How fitting that this trend should continue into ostensibly the sequel.

**Dumbledore:** No you don't get it, I _wanted_ to handle all that shit for you, but I also wanted you to learn how to take care of yourself, because I am after all a teacher!

**Harry:** Yeah I've hard that interpretation. And it's cute. _When lives aren't on the fucking line._ A pity I unconsciously internalized some of your “parental” techniques. Fuck Sirius, fuck Remus, fuck Arthur, fuck even Hagrid — apparently _you_ were the closest thing I had to a father now. And what a disappointment you were. What a disappointment _I_ now am, because of what I've learned from you. Obviously the quickest way to a child's heart is to orchestrate a situation in which he feels completely alone and friendless, with nothing but verbal and emotional and possibly even physical abuse being thrown at him from everyone he has to share a living space with, and is made to feel like he can't turn to anyone for help because anyone who would be in a position to help him and is in fact _supposed_ to help him makes a deliberate point of refusing to truly comprehend the situation they're trapped in.

**Dumbledore:** Oh Merlins' chest hair, if this is about the Dursleys again—

**Harry:** You made sure Snape got a trial, purely so he could continue to service _your_ needs, but you never gave one to Sirius. Not even to satisfy your own curiosity as to why he did what he did. With a very strong possibility that you only didn't because you knew he'd want custody of me if he truly was innocent, and you needed me “safe.” Because Fidelius didn't work, like, that one time. You had a woman watch the house, unable to fully comprehend what was happening behind closed doors _because of the fact that what was happening happened behind closed doors._ Never did you check up on me yourself. I grew up in a fucking _cupboard,_ and you were able to sleep at night convincing yourself that ignorance was bliss. At least that's my headcanon, since the idea that you actually _did_ know what was going on — and didn't even bother Confunding Tuney into giving me my own room and just a little more food — churns my stomach in such a way that I cannot even begin to describe. I spent ten years thinking that I was — am — an unlovable freak. I spent summers with that reinforced. And something you are ingrained with that early into childhood? It takes a _long_ time to shake off, if it ever truly does. I'm still waiting.

**Dumbledore:** ...If Voldemort continued to believe in the prophecy — if he never stopped trying to get revenge on you — I knew your survival was a long shot, and that was before I found out you were a Horcrux, and therefore _needed_ to die — I didn't want to become attached to someone with so obvious a death sentence—

**Harry:** Of course, because it's all about _you_ in the end, isn't it? _Your_ feelings matter over other people's lives.

**Dumbledore:** Of course your life mattered! Why do you think I was so exited when I found out Voldemort took your blood!?

_Dumbledore attempts to reach out of the portrait — but he physically can't. He begins to cry but tries to hide it. It's probably a good thing I can't see this live because I'd probably be going “HA HA” right about now._

When you came to Hogwarts...you claimed to have been pretty emotionally fucked up. And you are, and you should be. You should be _way more_ fucked up than you actually are. You should _despise_ all Muggles based on the neighborhood you grew up in — you shouldn't really be able to understand love at all, not real love after you would have been showered with so much fake love upon entering the Wizarding World. The fact that you were able to make real friends so easily — the fact that one of the first things you said to Mr. Weasley amounted basically to Hashtag Not All Muggles and you continued to maintain that opinion — that is just a testament to the strength of your character, the kind of beautiful, loving person you are. Of course I loved you, who couldn't? But that's the problem — the last time I truly loved someone like that — I basically nearly became the first wizard Hitler alongside him. I may have gotten my sister killed because of him. I have been emotionally broken myself because of him. I didn't want the same thing to happen again. And so — the distance.

_A beat._

**Harry:** YOU HAD SO MANY OPPORTUNITIES TO TELL ME THIS IN SIXTH YEAR. JUST FUCKING ONCE. IT WOULD'VE DONE ME GOOD TO HEAR THAT. FUCKING — ANY OF YOU. I NEVER DIRECTLY HEARD ANYONE TELL ME THEY LOVED ME IN THE ENTIRE SERIES. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT ALONE CAN FUCK UP A PERSON!?

**Dumbledore:** *openly weeping now* I thought Sirius or Hagrid or the Weasleys must have done—

**Harry:** NOPE!

**Dumbledore:** ...Shit. Sorry. Had I known, I...probably still wouldn't have, uncomprehending as I was of how much you needed it.

**Harry:** Your refusal to comprehend, you mean.

**Dumbledore:** ...Hey, look, nobody's perfect—

**Harry:** OH _FUCK_ YOU.

**Dumbledore:** Listen. To suffer is as human as to breathe.

**Harry:** Oh how cute. Thorne wants us to think that you actually said that to me. Well guess what. The bitch writing this has gone through this series an obscene amount of times and while you said something really quite similar, that being “Suffering like this proves you are still a man! This pain is part of being human,” you never spoke those exact words to me. However, you _did_ once say “To _hurt_ is as human as to breathe.” In one of your sections in the latest edition of _The Tales of Beedle the Bard,_ after “The Warlock's Hairy Heart.” Actually had to search for that one, too, T for effort on that one...

**Dumbledore:** WELP, that's all I got, I'm out.

_He begins to walk away._

**Harry:** So is it Stockholm that I'm still this reliant on you, what would you class this as, disturbingly dependent, what?

**Dumbledore:** Those that we love never truly leave us.

**Harry:** The quote is about the ones that love _us_ not leaving us!

**Dumbledore:** Meh, this one still kind of works. Especially if they're paintings, and if we remember them.

**Harry:** What if the painting is destroyed or you're Xion?

**Dumbledore:** Okay fuck this I'm done.

**Harry:** I love you! I really shouldn't but logic can't change the way I feel despite all of the constant betrayal on your end!

**Dumbledore:** Well of course you do, who wouldn't?

_He is gone. And HARRY is alone. DRACO enters. HARRY is no longer alone._

**Draco:** HEY SO SCORPIUS TOLD ME THIS WAS MY OFFICE IN THAT ALTERNATE REALITY LOOK OUT FORMER DEATH EATERS ARE OUT TO TAKE YER JERBS — Hey, you okay?

_Harry is consumed with grief. So...no._

**Harry:** I'M NOT CRYING UR CRYING.

_DRACO walks hesitantly inside the room. He looks around distastefully._

**Draco:** Right, so I never wanted to work in the Ministry even though Father wanted me to.

**Harry:** Why the info dump?

**Draco:** We have to give my character weight somehow, I guess.

**Harry:** Well in that case, what _did_ you want to do with your life?

**Draco:** Play Quidditch and not torture and murder people. AND JUST LOOK AT ME NOW!

**Harry:** ...What _do_ you do for a living?

**Draco:** ...I think I'm just rich, it's not clear.

_HARRY nods. DRACO looks at him a second more. And then I guess never looks at him again unless indicated. Fuck's sake. This is a conversation. Generally speaking, you look at the other person when you are talking to them. It would make more sense to have someone look_ away _for dramatic effect. That is generally how human interaction works, I don't know if Thorne's aware._

SO ABOUT OUR KIDS.

**Harry:** YES, I RATHER THINK WE BOTH SHOULD PROBABLY BE FOCUSING ON THEM MAYBE.

_Beat._

**Draco:** So, I have a problem, like I haven't really talked about this too much—

**Harry:** Happens to a lotta guys.

**Draco:** It...Aside from this, Potter...Thrdrntdnthvthonytmtrnr...

**Harry:** ...What.

**Draco:** I said Theodore Nott didn't have the only super special awesome Time-Turner.

**Harry:** ...I am going to fucking kill you.

**Draco:** I know, I deserve it, just let me see my son one more time first. The Time-Turner you lot found was only a prototype. You can only go back for five minutes, which sounds like a reasonable limitation so as to prevent abuse, so of course any reasonable Dark wizard would want to go beyond that, what's the point of limitations when you're trying to destroy the world.

_HARRY realizes what DRACO is saying. Only at this point. HARRY is dumb and stupid._

**Harry:** So Nott was working for _you,_ or...?

**Draco:** _Merlin_ , no! Father, obviously! You heard about/were fucking trapped in his evil basement under the drawing room! Obviously Croaker nerfed the vanilla Time-Turners, so Father commissioned a super broken OP one, for no other reason to my knowledge than to say he had it. Which further implies that yet another one has the potential to be made so let's just go with my theory that Father murdered the person who made it once they'd fulfilled their purpose. I think he may have fantasized about a world in which Voldemort never came back and he could just live rich and comfortable and hating Muggles without the need to get his hands dirty or be tortured for breathing wrong.

**Harry:** Where is it now?

_DRACO reveals the Time-Turner._

**Draco:** Don't ask me how I got it away from Father, or how he managed to keep it hidden despite all the raids that _had_ to have happened post-war. Fuck, he may not even know I have it. And look — it's gold. Just like the one in the fucking movie so I don't know how that's such a big deal, it's not like the prototype was ever described because why would that be in a script published for the millions of fans who will never be able to get a ticket to see this live. But apparently Malfoys like the color gold now — sure it's ostensibly for winners, but we're Slytherins, gold is a Gryffindor color, we should be obsessed with silver. Especially since it's a way better color anyway, gold is rarely not super tacky. Why the fuck are you smiling.

**Harry:** I don't know, I somehow got the idea that Hermione thought there was more than one Time-Turner and that's one of the reasons why she didn't destroy it.

**Draco:** Which chamber of your ass did you pull that out of?

**Harry:** The third one. How _did_ we never find this in any of the raids — your entire family could've _finally_ been sent to Azkaban for possession of this.

**Draco:** Because of the Epilleptic Tree that was me sending my wife back in time so Voldemort could fuck her. Way more people would believe it if I was ever found with this.

**Harry:** I didn't ask why, I asked how.

**Draco:** I don't know, I'm not listening to you! I'm listening to my heart!

**Harry:** Fine, whatever, so why didn't you just destroy it?

**Draco:** Ah, but then we couldn't use it right now for the sake of the plot!

_HARRY stares at DRACO, utterly unable to comprehend anything because he's HARRY._

**Harry:** Why _were_ those rumors ever a thing?

**Draco:** Because of the rumor that we couldn't have children. Which, neither could your grandparents for the longest time but your father still happened. Sometimes issues like that are still things, it's called life, Merlin's cryptocurrency. Besides, we _were_ totally capable of having children — it just wasn't advisable. A genetic illness made Astoria pretty weak, though of course we're magic so we're calling it a curse.

**Harry:** But you had a kid anyway?

**Draco:** I didn't. She did.

**Harry:** ...In a perfect world, _both parents would be in agreement so the child doesn't grow up being resented by the one who didn't want it._

**Draco:** Let me finish. Everyone thought I was desperate for the Malfoy line to continue. Father and Mother may or may not have helped push that — we may never know. Not me and Astoria. She knew I would outlive her, and she didn't want me to be alone after she was gone. Which, remarrying and finding new love after the old one is gone knowing that your dead spouse would want you to move on is also not uncommon but why showcase yet another thing that often happens in some weird thing called fucking _real life._ Anyway, since I guess she didn't consider that, Astoria decided to drastically shorten her lifespan by giving birth. I hid us away from the world because I basically wanted to put her in quarantine, but of course everyone thought it was for a far more nefarious reason, hence the Epileptic Trees.

**Harry:** _**ADOPT!?**_

**Draco:** No, she wanted to leave me something of _hers,_ you see, specifically something that came out of her vagina.

**Harry:** AN ADOPTED CHILD WOULD BE NO LESS YOUR AND ASTORIA'S CHILD. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH FANFICTION AND FANART HAS BEEN DEDICATED TO YOU BABYSITTING TEDDY. I WOULD'VE THOUGHT THAT NOT ONLY WOULD THERE BE PLENTY MORE WAR ORPHANS WHERE HE CAME FROM BUT THAT IT WOULD HAVE GIVEN EVERYONE A GREATER APPRECIATION FOR KIDS IN HIS SITUATION IN GENERAL.

**Draco:** I don't know who you're talking about, and besides we all know it's all about blood relations, those are your only family, you know that!

**Harry:** FUCK YOU. AS AN ORPHAN WHO WOULD HAVE LOVED NOTHING MORE THAN GETTING ADOPTED BY SOMEONE WHO LOVED ME I AM _SICK_ OF ADOPTION ONLY EVER BEING CONSIDERED A LAST RESORT OR NOT BEING CONSIDERED AT ALL.

**Draco:** Good for you. Now I've wanted to turn back time for ages just so I can spend one last second with my precious waifu, but we should probably save our sons or some shit with it instead.

**Harry:** Recent studies have shown that ancient studies have shown that no we still can't do that.

_DRACO looks up at HARRY and I guess they're friends now._

**Draco:** Why the fuck not.

**Harry:** 'Cause we still have no idea when they are, you stupid piece of dog shit.

**Draco:** Oh yeah.

_And then they didn't bone._


	19. Act 4 Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Okay So In Order To Understand My Hype For Kingdom Hearts III Pretend Avengers Infinity War** _**Came Out**_ **Over Thirteen Years Ago And That The TITLE For Avengers Endgame Was** _**Announced OVER FIVE YEARS AGO**_ **can you understand why i'm a little excited now:** _Farscape, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey,_ Super Best Friends Play, PeachSaliva, and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling who did in fact come up with quite a few convenient coincidences in her time, it's true, but all this...I can't even. I will never begin to even. It is impossible for me to even.

ACT FOUR, SCENE FIVE  
GODRIC'S HOLLOW, OUTSIDE JAMES AND LILY POTTER'S HOUSE, 1981

 **Albus:** ...So what if we just _tell_ Granddad and Grandma that the Fidelius has been I guess broken beyond repair to the point that I suppose it just doesn't exist anymore considering everyone including us can see them now?

 **Scorpius:** I don't think that's a good idea. Not anymore. I want to survive. And you have a ginormous family to maintain. Satisfy _yourself,_ Albus.

 **Albus:** Really? Thought it was just parents, one aunt, two uncles, and one cousin, that's not that big. How 'bout telling them they die but their kid lives, they'll be sad but they could take it, it's how they died in the first place after all.

 **Scorpius:** Yeah no. Voldemort was ridiculously good at Legilimency — if you told either of them anything, he might not bother asking your grandmother to stand aside so he can save her as a trophy for your second namesake, meaning she wouldn't have died properly enough to ensure the love protection boll yotz. Your plan would have failed.

 **Albus:** The fuck was Dad's obsession with Snape again, that shit was disgusting...Speaking of namesakes, why don't we do what we originally should've done if we wanted to change things and save everyone and just go to Dumbledore?

 **Scorpius:** Did you not read the previous scene? Dumbledore wasn't all that great either. You could die, Albus.

 **Albus:** Then why do people deify the fucker to the point where I am fucking named after him.

 **Scorpius:** My question as well, Albus. I suppose it's for a whole mess of reasons. He really was just that powerful, when he did things right they were _really_ right, he presumably was a good leader during the first war, and, frankly, he was an old white man. And it still might not be common knowledge within our own world that he was gay. That's probably good enough for most...Point is, I don't know about you, but I am done frelling with the timeline. I just want to preserve our own terrible reality, can we do that?

 **Albus:** Hurg, fine. So how do we get a message to the future, let people know what happened, what are our options here.

 **Scorpius:** In this position, very limited. I don't know about you, but I'm fresh out of time traveling owls.

 **Albus:** Bugger. Some kind of message still needs to happen, though. I know Dad — he will _build_ a fuck-mothering Time-Turner if it meant getting us back.

 **Scorpius:** I've got it! I've got it...Cooperation. We wait until after your grandparents are murdered, and then before Sirius and/or Hagrid show up, we stand over Baby Your Dad and just scream at him, and hope it traumatizes him enough that he remembers us when the time comes.

 **Albus:** ...Or we could, you know, _not_ do that...

_SCORPIUS looks at ALBUS._

**Scorpius:** Then we're dead.

 **Albus:** Figured that.

 **Scorpius:** I guess we could just dick around for the next thirty-nine years — not even bothering to try to fix the many, _many_ humanitarian crises happening all _over_ the frelling planet between 1981 and 2020, they don't worry me — and then just show up after we've vanished and try to complete our Hogwarts educations and pick up our lives where we left off when we're frelling fifty-three years old...

 **Albus:** We'll be murdered by Delphi and/or Voldemort _waaaaay_ before then. And I just realized we should probably be thankful that Voldy's name isn't Taboo during this particular war. Come to think of it, why _are_ we still alive, why didn't she kill us as soon as we outlived our usefulness.

 **Scorpius:** Oh yeah, that hazmot. I don't know, we can go into hiding, I guess? The only one you'll ever talk to again is me! Is that how you want to live?

 **Albus:** As pleasurable as it would be to hide in a hole with you for the next forty years...WOW that was gay, I ain't disputing _that_ shit...I haven't a prayer that they won't find us. Not unless we hide in the Muggle world, which has already been established as impossible for a couple of purebloods with no previous Muggle experience.

 **Scorpius:** But you'll never be lonely. It's okay, as long as we're together. You're right you know, we're brothers from different sides of an imaginary line. Good. Bad. Bad, good, your side, my side, my side, your side — Because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF—

 **Albus:** I thought you were gonna say the homoerotic queer-baiting thing! _I_ did, why can't you?

 **Scorpius:** Because I'm gonna frell your decidedly female cousin, we've established this. A simple fail safe.

 **Albus:** BI. PAN. SHIT EXISTS.

 **Scorpius:** A disagreement...past its time. At this point my ever-evolving headcanon has us being meant for each other and yet having no desire to frell each other. Like, heterosexual, but homo/biromantic. I don't even know if that's a thing, I just like it.

 **Albus:** This is what happens when you're suddenly being written by an aromantic borderline asexual who was raised heteronormative as fuck and is still learning.

 _LILY exits the house, THAT SHOULD NOT BE SEEN AND SHE SHOULD NOT BE LEAVING BECAUSE THEY ARE IN_ FUCKING HIDING _with BABY HARRY in a pram, even though she and JAMES just went out with the baby already so exactly how much time has been passing here, she carefully puts a blanket on him._

Holy shit Dad's baby blanket.

 **Scorpius:** ...Well yeah. He's a baby. And it's nearly November. I told you this was a waste of time. Myths...are rarely satisfying upon examination.

 **Albus:** Awwwww, look at her tuck him in like that! I need to track down a Penseive when we get back, damn.

 **Scorpius:** ...I miss _my_ mum. And Dad. Now I'm sad. I just want my dad to know...

_ALBUS has a thought. It's right there on the tip of his tongue...Oh! It's not a thought at all! It's a silly old...stick insect!_

**Albus:** Dad still has that blanket.

 **Scorpius:** _You_...can do nothing. If we write anything on it Tuney will probably notice and throw it out like she probably actually did. Then you won't even get offered the blanket...which might go better in the long run, frell...

 **Albus:** What do you know about Date Rape Potions? Is there a universal ingredient to them?

 **Scorpius:** Wouldn't it have been delightful if I had purposefully avoided anything to do with date rape drugs on the grounds that they're frelling _date rape drugs_...But yeah, no, pearl dust. Any particular reason?

 **Albus:** Is that rare?

 **Scorpius:** Oh no, quite the contrary really, um.......pearls aren't as expensive as you might think, Mum used to make her own jewelry when she was bored. Why do you ask?

 **Albus:** 'Cause of the way me and Dad's argument ended.

 **Scorpius:** Oh, report. You never told me the full story behind that.

 **Albus:** I got hacked off and threw the blanket — _that_ blanket — across the room. It collided with the Date Rape Potion that Uncle Ron gave me as a joke.

 **Scorpius:** He thinks _date rape_ is a joke!? Merlin's pruned hedges, that does that not bode well for 2020. Or for how someone chooses to interpret a character who's been under the influence of such a mind-altering substance himself. Or for how Thorne chooses to interpret Ron as a whole in the first place, I wouldn't do that, that is _incredibly_ worrying...

 **Albus:** Tell me about it. Literally any potion could have had some bullshit ingredient that could make my arbitrary plan work.

 **Scorpius:** What is that, hmm?

 **Albus:** Let me know if it's bad.

 **Scorpius:** It's bad.

 **Albus:** Fuck you. Mum hasn't let Dad touch my room since we went missing the first time. Why she didn't let him back inside after we came back is anyone's guess. But Dad likes to be with the only thing he got from Grandma on Halloween, which is apparently gonna happen soon in our time, holy shit it's been two months since this bullshit, so he _will_ go and get it regardless when he needs to.

 **Scorpius:** HOW HAVE I NOT FIGURED OUT WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THIS, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE SMART ONE. AT THIS POINT YOUR DOG COULD BEAT ME AT CHECKERS.

 **Albus:** Just tell me how we can use pearl dust to leave some kind of message.

 **Scorpius:** ...Demiguise tincture, I guess? I'll explain. Those two ingredients burn when they meet. Yeah that's a real thing that I invented just now.

 **Albus:** But it needs to be invisible.

 **Scorpius:** Oh for f—READ A BOOK. OR WATCH A MOVIE. THEY'RE FRELLING INVISIBLE USUALLY. You will find no serenity during this conflict, Albus. Examine your choices!

 **Albus:** M'kay, so all we need to do is find Demiguise tincture, steal Dad's baby blanket from under the watchful eye of his paranoid soldier “CONSTANT VIGILANCE” parents who are expecting an attack from Voldemort or his cronies any second now, write a message on it, slip it back while once again remaining unnoticed, then...

 **Scorpius:** *eureka — fuck you* Then it would stay unnoticed until you have a daddy-issues fight and you frell up your uncle's creepy and disturbing gift! And then magically don't notice any change until your dad purposefully seeks it out later! IT'S FOOLPROOF! Apart from the fact that, like you said, there is no way to get to the blanket without Lily noticing. Do you think a mother...would abandon her child?

 **Albus:** Stop poking obvious flaws in my shitty plan. Never second-guess yourself, always do the dumb thing. Then again...the fuck are we gonna find Demiguise tincture. Or Demiguises in general. _They're fucking invisible._

 **Scorpius:** Automatically assume Bathilda Bagshot will conveniently have everything we need? I already have.

 **Albus:** That makes sense. Except...no.

 **Scorpius:** There's a rumor that she never locked her door even during war time because old people. Probably how she got murdered so easily sixteen years from now. Feeling lucky?

_The door swings open. Whether or not they mean Bathilda's door, whether she opened it, or whether SCORPIUS or ALBUS opened it is something that will never be known to anyone who lacks the ability to SEE THE FUCKING PLAY._

...LET'S HOPE SHE ALSO CONVENIENTLY HAS SOME SPARE WANDS WE CAN STEAL. AND ALSO NEVER COMES BACK WHILE WE'RE DOING SHIT AND ALSO ALSO WILL NEVER QUESTION WHY SO MUCH OF HER DREN IS SUDDENLY MISSING!

ACT FOUR, SCENE SIX  
HARRY AND GINNY POTTER'S HOUSE, ALBUS'S ROOM

_HARRY is sitting on ALBUS's bed. GINNY enters. She looks at him. Because there is no one else to fucking look at._

**Ginny:** I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO NEVER COME IN HERE.

 **Harry:** FUCK YOU, I MISS HIM TOO AND I ALSO NEED TO COPE. STOP TREATING THIS PLACE LIKE A SHRINE, HE AIN'T DEAD YET. *winces* Okay, you need to grieve too, I get it.

_GINNY says nothing because this is the GINNY who likes to tie HARRY's shoelaces for him. HARRY looks up at her._

What do you think's the worst Halloween, losing my chance to grow up with a loving family or losing a member of a family I made for myself with no way of knowing whether or not he's okay?

 **Ginny:** Iunno, why do you keep calling it Hallow's Eve in the original script, I thought it was just Hallowe'en in the books, PS was like that anyway, I don't know about the rest of the UK editions. Anyway, evidently I was wrong to get mad at you, for anything ever, even though a conversation you had with our son previously led him to doing something stupid and therefore it was a perfectly logical assumption to make.

 **Harry:** So the first time was definitely my fault but this time it wasn't?

 **Ginny:** Frankly I still mainly blame Hermione. Well — you could've destroyed the Time-Turner yourself as well, I s'pose. Also the evil person for being evil; at the moment that should be our primary concern beyond your endless self-guilt.

 **Harry:** Dude. If it weren't for me making him feel like a spare himself, he never would've tried to save Cedric _for_ Delphi.

 **Ginny:** Which only happened because _she_ Confunded Amos into visiting you in the first place. Which — how narratively convenient for Albus to have been awake and having just had that first argument with you. We joke about things being super convenient in the books before, but everything in those can at least be mapped out and make a reasonable amount of sense for the most part. This shit? Far too many leaps in logic. And now I'd like it if we could stop talking like our second child is dead.

_GINNY nods. At...At her own fucking statement. What is wrong with this play. HARRY starts to cry._

**Harry:** I completely forgot we had other children.

 **Ginny:** Meh, so did I, it's not hard. It's not like we got to see them or their cousin(s) react to the news that he's missing either time, even though James, Lily, and Rose are all characters that have been cast within the fucking play, but they're not Thorne's pwecious wittle boys so I guess they're all busy shoving their wands up their asses for all he cares about mentioning them.

 **Harry:** I should've died with my parents—

 **Ginny:** Oh not this again—

 **Harry:** Even Dumbledore wanted me dead — planned it — why the fuck did I name my child after him, is it because I still wanted to die? And all those people who died for me — my parents, Fred, the Fallen Fifty — fuck name-dropping my fucking godfather, I never liked him apparently — why the fuck do _I_ get to live apart from being the main character in a series ostensibly for children? Literally all of those deaths are on my hands.

 **Ginny:** Oh don't be silly. Only _some_ of those deaths are on your hands! You chose to spare Rowle and Dolohov in that café, and Ron and Hermione chose to listen to you. Every death or injury they caused after that, Remus included, is _totally_ your guys' fault. The rest of the murderers that you _didn't_ have any control over at any point — all those deaths are on them.

 **Harry:** ...Still could've turned myself in before the Battle of Hogwarts properly started—

 **Ginny:** And all the people who loved you would have stopped you. Now — again — stop destroying any and all hope that Albus is still alive, for fuck's sake.

_She takes HARRY in her arms. There is a big pause filled with a big unhappiness._

**Harry:** Why am I still called the Boy Who Lived, I'm fucking forty.

_HARRY sways a moment, unsure if he's standing or not since it has been previously stated that he was seated on ALBUS's bed. Then he notices the blanket. He walks toward it, so he's definitely on his feet now maybe._

This blanket is all I have, you know...of that Hallows' Eve—

 **Ginny:** Merlin's chestnuts roasting on an open fire, I _know!_

 **Harry:** This is all I have to remember—

 **Ginny:** We are all aware, Merlin's giant orange traffic cones you're annoying in this scene!

_He picks up the blanket. He discovers it has holes in it. He looks at it, dismayed that he wasn't looking at it when he originally noticed it, when he picked it up, or when he discovered the holes._

**Harry:** Aaaaand Ron's fucking date rape drug messed up the one keepsake I had from when my life wasn't an unending cycle of tragedy. That's it, I'm doing a raid on the shop and confiscating all of it — a thing I should've done decades ago, why did I just think of it now. Probably now that it's affected me personally I suddenly care, never mind any victims of this horrible substance...

_He opens up the blanket. He sees writing burnt through it. He is surprised._

How did Albus and I not fucking notice this when it happened.

 **Ginny:** Are those letters?

_On another part of the stage, ALBUS and SCORPIUS appear._

**Albus:** HOW THE FUCK DID WE GET EVERYTHING WE NEEDED SO EASILY!?

 **Scorpius:** NO SHUT UP IT'S FINE NO ONE WILL NOTICE OR EVER THINK ABOUT IT OR QUESTION IT DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! WATCH!

 **Albus:** FUCK YOU I'M WRITING A MESSAGE TO MY FATHER!

 **Scorpius:** YOU SHOULD HONOR YOUR CONTRACTS, ALBUS! WE'RE WRITING TO HARRY POTTER!

 **Albus:** HE'S NOT HARRY POTTER TO ME, HE'S JUST MY SHITTY DAD!

 **Harry:** I think the first word is “Dad,” it's written quite shittily. The next ones...“Hello”? “Good”?

 **Scorpius:** Well at least ask for help!

 **Ginny:** What garbage handwriting is this, it's like a fourteen-year-old was trying to write while being heavily distracted by another person.

 **Harry:** Imagine what we'd be trying to interpret had we picked it up in such a fashion that the message was upside-down or backward — we'd be stuck here even longer, then.

 **Albus:** “Dad. Help. Godric's Hollow.” There, short, sweet, and to the point. No one could possibly interpret it as anything else. I told you.

 **Scorpius:** I didn't listen to you!

 **Albus:** But I was right.

 **Scorpius:** Enh. I say a lot of things that're right and you never tell _me_ that I was right.

 **Albus:** That's 'cause I never do them so I never find out if you were right or not.

 **Scorpius:** Ah, 's true.

 **Ginny:** It says “Dad Help Godric's Hollow,” you idiot. How did you get “Good” from “Godric's,” your vision isn't _that_ impaired...Are you for real—

 **Harry:** No it's fine—

 **Ginny:** —are you serious—

 **Harry:** —shut the fuck up!

 **Ginny:** Is that why you still cast spells when enemies are down?

 **Harry:** *half-sobs out of embarrassment* No!

 **Ginny:** Because you think they're still conscious!?

 **Harry:** *actually starting to cry* Don't worry about it—

 **Ginny:** Are you serious!? *laughs weakly*

 **Harry:** *still crying but also laughs weakly* Can't we just focus on the blanket—?

 **Ginny:** Your eyesight is so bad!

 **Harry:** *high-pitched sob-laughs* No it's perfectly fine!

 **Ginny:** How have you not gotten thicker glasses!

 **Harry:** These _are_ thicker!

 **Ginny:** *accusingly* You haven't seen the eye Healer in years—

 **Harry:** No, I just kinda guessed.

 **Ginny:** *flails helplessly*

 **Harry:** I just kinda guessed at my prescription — it's working out _fairly_ well—

 **Ginny:** *completely losing it, goes super high-pitched* YOU JUST _GUESSED_ ABOUT YOU PRESCRIPTION!?

 **Harry:** *starts cry-laughing again* Yeah?

 **Ginny:** That d—it doesn't work like that!

 **Harry:** Why not?

 **Ginny:** You could've made yourself _more blind_ by doing that!

 **Harry:** No I couldn't, it's fine.

 **Ginny:** Yes.

 **Harry:** No, no—!

 **Ginny:** If you over-prescribe the thickness of your glasses—

 **Harry:** But I didn't! 'Cause it's only like a little bit more.

 **Ginny:** *breaks down completely* Oh, my soul couldn't be booing any harder. We need to stop talking about this before I explode...Huh, we've also got some numbers here — 3-1-1-0-8-1. That long enough for a telephone number, I got nothin'.

_HARRY looks up, several thoughts smashing through his brain at once. That sounds painful._

**Harry:** It's a date. It's a motherfuckin' date, written the way it's written in every country except America, with the day going before the month.

 _GINNY looks at HARRY, and then back at the blanket. See,_ that _shit makes sense, more of that, please._

 **Ginny:** ...Yeah why are Americans so dead set on doing everything wrong anyway.

 **Harry:** I'm just gonna repeat the message for those who didn't hear it in the back, that's not annoyingly repetitive at all!

_HARRY kisses GINNY hard._

**Ginny:** Why am I playing dumb, it's so fucking obvious, who else would call you Dad, we don't have any other kids!

 **Harry:** We now know where and when to go to finish this pile of garbage once and for all!

_He kisses her hard again._

**Ginny:** Where I was the consummate optimist before I am now suddenly a huge fucking pessimist.

 **Harry:** Good for you. I'll owl Hermione, you owl Draco. If Ron turns up he turns up, but really who gives a shit. You tell... _them,_ who's them, you're only writing one man, what even is, was this edited at all? Anyway, tell him to bring the Time-Turner to Godric's Hollow and we'll meet him there.

 **Ginny:** Could we not, y'know, teleport to their locations instantly? Wouldn't that be faster?

 **Harry:** THERE'S NO TIME!

 **Ginny:** Fine, but I'm coming with you this time.

 **Harry:** 'Course you are, I would be legitimately terrified of you for the rest of my life if I tried to say no. Now let's go save us some shit kids!


	20. Act 4 Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **...Should I Play Hogwarts Mystery, I'm Hearing Mediocre To Okay Things:** Super Best Friends Play, _Farscape,_ A Very Potter Musical, _The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Mulan, JoJo's Bizarre Adventures,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling who I feel would have drawn more attention to Ginny's supposed ostracization had it, y'know, _actually happened._ Like, that is definitely something that Harry, unobservant moron though he is, would _definitely_ have picked up on, through Ron if nothing else. _Had it happened._

ACT FOUR, SCENE SEVEN  
GODRIC'S HOLLOW

_RON (oh he is there, lovely), HERMIONE, DRACO, HARRY, and GINNY walk through a present-day Godric's Hollow. A busy market town (it's expanded over the years, which'll be incredibly easy to portray on a stage with a finite amount of space, I'm sure)._

**Hermione:** Godric's Hollow. It's been...over twenty years? Really? Has Harry never visited since and have none of us ever gone with him?

**Ginny:** Is it just me or are there more Muggles about.

**Hermione:** How would you know, evidently you've never been.

**Draco:** My son's in danger and our entire fabric of reality could unravel at any moment—IS THAT A _FARMER'S MARKET!?_

_HERMIONE approaches HARRY — who is looking around himself, overwhelmed by all that he's seeing._

**Hermione:** You remember when we were last here? Us being on the run from the Ministry with no clue what to do next? This feels exactly like that, what with us _being_ the Ministry and having a very clear destination and goal in mind!

**Ron:** I STILL DON'T LIKE DRACO MALFOY AND AM BEING SUPER OBVIOUS ABOUT THAT FACT!

_DRACO knows a barb when he hears one. Good for him._

**Draco:** Oi, you weren't here back then either, fuckface—

**Ron:** Look. I can see where Snape came from in a lot of ways. You may have changed for the better over the years, and to be fair, your sperm is awesome.

**Hermione:** Is it?

**Ginny:** I've never tasted it, Ron. Tell me about it.

**Ron:** *ignores her as Harry and Hermione collapse with laughter in the background* For real, you kid is a legitimate sweetheart, but all of the things you said and did to us in school? You thought my family was beneath yours because we didn't have as much money. You thought my friends were lesser than you because they had relatives who couldn't make feathers float by waving a stick at them. And there was that one time in second year where you _lamented the fact that my wife was only petrified instead of outright murdered._ Shit like that tends to stick in the mind.

**Hermione:** Said wife doesn't need you fighting her battles for her.

_HERMIONE looks witheringly at RON. RON...should have stood his ground, so I'm making him do so here._

**Ron:** Hermione, I love you more than ever for your forgiving nature in this instance. But your feelings are not the only ones being taken into consideration. Any negative words aimed at you hurt me too, because of how much I care about you. Are you saying that if anyone insulted me, or wished me dead, you would _not_ be hurt by proxy? And of course you don't _need_ me to fight your battles for you — I've long since accepted that you will always be better at magic than me — but that doesn't mean I won't _want_ to. And would that really be so bad? Especially now that you're Minister and can't really be seen getting your hands dirty? I will gladly take a hit for you any time, but I'm not trying to be patronizing here, because I'm expecting you to do the same for me in return. Because that's how truly balanced relationships work.

**Draco:** ...Wow, Weasley, I'm actually quite impressed.

**Hermione:** I'm not. The time of our endless arguments are now evidently a thing of the past and it's time to prove once and for all that you have grown into a man who meekly goes along with whatever his wife wants without ever being allowed an opinion of your own, because that's the way Thorne believes marriage works unless you're married to a weak little nothing like Ginny Oh-Wait-Let-Me-Get-That-Shoelace-For-You Potter, because he still only watched the films where both of you were nothing characters and also just looked up Ludo Bagman on a wiki somewhere.

**Ron:** *hesitates in the face of her unwavering gaze* ...Fine, I submit. Draco, you're an asshole, you're a piece of shit, you're human garbage, you're trash, but I still want to succeed together.

**Hermione:** Thank you. Now, we should probably move on with this pointless bullshit and go back in time already.

_DRACO takes out the Time-Turner — and they use it. Fuck you I'm not writing that shit out again._

_They look around themselves._

**Ron:** Why did I just shit my pants?

ACT FOUR, SCENE EIGHT  
GODRIC'S HOLLOW, A SHED, 1981

_ALBUS looks up, amazed to see GINNY and then HARRY, and then he takes in the rest of the happy band (RON, DRACO, and HERMIONE)._

**Albus:** MUM!?

**Harry:** Fuck her, _I_ wanna talk!

_ALBUS, ignoring him, runs and throws himself into GINNY's arms. GINNY receives him, delighted. HARRY stands there awkwardly, as well he should._

**Albus:** Dad went into my room even though you told him not to?

**Ginny:** Oh yes, and you'll get to help me plan my revenge later!

_SCORPIUS is in this scene too, by the way. He trots up to his dad._

**Draco:** Apparently we're not a very huggy family. But if you want us to show physical relief at finding each other again, I suppose I could be persuaded.

_SCORPIUS looks at his dad, unsure for a moment. And then they sort of half hug in a very awkward way. DRACO smiles. I am annoyed. MEN CAN SHOW EMOTION, YOU KNOW. YOU THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD. YOU JUST HAD A SPEECH ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT THE LAST THING YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU WAS TO YOU. FOR FUCK'S SAKE, SHOW HIM YOU CARE._

**Ron:** So why didn't Delphi kill you again?

**Scorpius:** It's not a hundred percent clear. She's coming to kill you, Harry. We'd better get ready.

**Albus:** He's right, we think she's trying to kill you _before_ Voldemort fucks it up, making the prophecy irrelevant so he can go about murdering people to his heart's content.

**Hermione:** Yeah we figured that out, thanks. Any idea where she is now and why the Potters aren't dead yet?

**Scorpius:** Not as such, no. So tell me, Dad, what finally brought you here? Our Time-Turner was destroyed and that was the last one—

**Harry:** Shut up.

**Albus** Fair!

**Harry:** It doesn't matter anyway. You can tell yourself whatever you like.

**Albus** I — I often do.

**Harry:** Mm.

**Albus** Mm.

**Harry:** Also _never,_ under any circumstances, ask that precise question again, m'kay? Just don't ask questions. Ever again. Ever. _Ever._

_DRACO smiles at HARRY gratefully. ALBUS and SCORPIUS play along for some reason._

**Hermione:** ...So we should probably get a plan together, eh? And, y'know, catch each other up on the bits of information we're actually allowed to talk about. I don't know if you two know about her being Voldemort's daughter yet, and I don't think we know whether or not she can fly yet. And if she lost her wand in the future-past before, we can almost guarantee she's found one in the meantime, just like you two _somehow_ did, and — well, if I had the ability to fly and wanted to keep an eye on things, I'd cast a Disillusionment Charm on myself and just sort of hover and observe, meaning that frankly we should've been caught already. Of course, this is assuming our villain is smart, and judging by the fact that the two of you are still alive, I'd hazard a guess that that isn't the case. Actually, a good place to observe the town from a bunch of angles could come in real handy right about now, as would a place that ensures we don't run into a single person because any interaction could irrevocably fuck up the future as we know it.

_They all frown, thinking._

No one ever went to church in the eighties, right? Especially the people who worked there?

ACT FOUR, SCENE NINE  
GODRIC'S HOLLOW, ST. JEROME'S CHURCH, SANCTUARY, 1981

_ALBUS is sleeping on a pew. GINNY watches him carefully. HARRY is looking out the opposite window. Who gives a good goddamn fuck about where the other four are or what they're doing._

**Harry:** WHY ISN'T SHE HERE YET, I WANT THIS TO END.

**Ginny:** Because we need more character development, and to retcon one more thing I guess.

_She looks at ALBUS's sleeping form._

Pity we can't really send the kids away. Never mind the fact that they're the same age I was when I went with you to the Department of Mysteries, or that they're older than you were when you did half _your_ stupid bullshit; I just don't think they're ready for this.

**Harry:** Why do we keep convincing the younger generation that it's up to them to fix everything.

**Ginny:** Because we're always doing a piss-poor job of it, I expect. I mean, this time it turned out even more horrible than any but the most horrific fanfic writer could've predicted — and for once I don't mean bad writing, I mean they created an interesting post-apocalyptic horror story of a fic — and it's pretty much his fault along with Hermione's, but let's put that aside for now and focus on getting out of here alive. _Then_ we can focus on everyone's punishment. Y'know. _More._

**Harry:** How traumatized d'you think he'll be after all is said and done?

**Ginny:** Pretty fucking traumatized, I'd say. Good thing he has such understanding parents who had to battle their own PTSD over the years and doesn't have any siblings whatsoever that might read the whole thing as a joke and refuse to see Albus's side of it and potentially make his condition worse while at home. Still, now that _your_ PTSD has had a decided resurgence, maybe you'll be able to deal with your respective traumas together.

_HARRY smiles. She looks back at ALBUS, because I guess at some point she looked away from him, which she_ was _talking to her husbando so I'll let this one slide.. HARRY does too._

REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO ME IN CoS!?

**Harry:** I DO BUT I BET THE AUDIENCE WHO LOVES THIS SERIES TO THE POINT THAT THEY OBSESS OVER EVERY DETAIL DOESN'T, PLEASE ENLIGHTEN THEM.

**Ginny:** Okay so I got hold of one of Voldemort's Horcruxes, right, and it possessed me and tried to make me murder my fellow students—

**Harry:** Heh, remember that one time in OotP when I actually _did_ forget?

**Ginny:** YEP! Anyway, completely ignoring the fact that the wrap-up for that book had me perfectly all right again, as well as me becoming incredibly popular in later years, coupled with the implication that no one really knew the full story of what you and Ron did for like the second year in a row — in this version, apparently everyone knew I'd been possessed by Voldemort and shut me out of social circles because of it. And by everyone I guess I mean my own family as well, even though Dad only gave me that one brief lecture, Mum and Ron didn't really seem to care, and Percy and the twins also seemed to continue to treat me as normal — Bill and especially Charlie barely existed in canon so why should they here — NOPE! Got cut off from them too I guess! So evidently I was all alone until this one kid I fancied and who also saved me from all of that in the first place walked over — either at the end of my first year or some time during the second, it will never be known because _I never interpreted shit happening that way and am struggling to find evidence that implies it did_ — and played Exploding Snap with me. Which — admittedly, to a lonely as fuck kid, any kind of positive acknowledgment can be seen as a godsend, _as you well know so why am I telling you this as if you don't._ When you first got here, nobody wanted to get to know you because they thought that they knew you already, and that probably still holds. Most of them believe that it is only great power that can hold evil in check. But that is not what you have found. We all found it is the small things — everyday deeds of ordinary folk — that keep the darkness at bay. Simple acts of kindness and love. And, again, considering your own upbringing — how the flying fuck do you not understand that lonely children want someone to make them feel less alone? To have someone they feel they can go to whenever problems arise? To have someone they can just hang out with without feeling like a burden, even if it's doing something as seemingly meaningless as playing Exploding Snap? YOU WERE AN UNLOVED ORPHAN FOR MOST OF YOUR CHILDHOOD; YOU SHOULD ALREADY BE KEENLY AWARE OF ALL THIS.

**Harry:** Many will say that is because I am stupid. Also I feel like Dumbledore playing Gobstones with Remus that one time carried way more weight than that summation of supposed events, and that was part of a fucking Pottermore _summary._

**Ginny:** Well yeah. _That_ actually happened. My point is, you never made Albus feel like anything I've just described. Like, at all. For his whole life, even before Hogwarts. Apparently.

**Harry:** I would die for him.

**Ginny:** You'd die for anybody. You _did_ die for _everybody._ He just wants his dad to love him like a son. Which, again, he somehow never felt from you for his whole live. Like, how much of this whole cavalcade of bullshit is just classic middle-child syndrome or whatever the fuck...

**Harry:** ...I mean, it's implied by this line of dialogue that I didn't know how to feel parental love until all this shit started, so take that as you will I guess...

**Ginny:** Meh. Still better than Voldemort. A low bar, but still.

**Harry:** But of course I love him as a son.

**Ginny:** ...Then fucking show him?

**Harry:** WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO THIS WHOLE PLAY, WOMAN! IT'S NOT MY FAULT HIS TEENAGE WANKERY HAS MADE ALL MY ATTEMPTS POORLY RECEIVED!

**Ginny:** Oh trust me, I get that. But we should probably stop with this bullshit character study and start focusing on more important shit. Like the fucking villain.

**Harry:** THERE'S NO TIME!

_A thought occurs to GINNY._

**Ginny:** I don't think we've been thinking this all the way through. I mean why pick today of all days?

**Harry:** Because apart from the second of May this is the most important date for wizardkind in living memory?

**Ginny:** How old are you right now.

**Harry:** Forty. Gonna be seventy-nine by the time we get back, that'll be weird — oh you meant _now!_ A year and three months, why?

**Ginny:** Well — why didn't she try to kill you before the Fidelius Curse was placed? Why didn't she kill Lily when she was pregnant with you? Why didn't she kill James and Lily _before_ they became pregnant with you, and Frank and Alice for good measure?

**Harry:** ...That's a good point, actually...

**Ginny:** I can't believe I figured this out and not the orphan who found himself empathizing with Voldemort more than once.

**Harry:** Well you're going to have to spell it out for me, so...

**Ginny:** You're right. This _is_ the most important date in living memory. It's a date when everyone knows exactly where Voldemort's gonna turn up. And for an orphan that's never met or at least can't remember her father and as usual gives not one fuck about the mother...Everything started going downhill for the Dark Side when Voldemort tried to murder a baby in the face. If he doesn't do that...

**Harry:** The war will continue. We won't even get a thirteen-year reprieve this time.

**Ginny:** It doesn't matter whether or not you or your family lives or dies. What matters is that Voldemort doesn't think you're important enough to actively seek out anymore.

ACT FOUR, SCENE TEN  
GODRIC'S HOLLOW, ST. JEROME'S CHURCH, 1981

_The group are_ — IS, _A GROUP AM BECOME SINGULAR — gathered and full of confusion._

**Ron:** It's still kind of fucked up how we've come to the point where we're actively rooting for Voldemort to murder your mum and dad and try to kill you in the face, mate.

**Albus:** Yeah, it's not great.

**Hermione:** Ginny confirmed for the new smart one.

**Draco:** So when's Voldemort supposed to show up?

**Albus:** No idea. Plus side, Delphi doesn't either, that's why she came here yesterday, giving us all this time to get help and attempt to sabotage all her plans due to her letting us live like a complete fucking dumbass.

**Scorpius and Hermione:** Well we know he showed up sometime in late afternoon/early evening, since he ran into someone trick-or-treating who complimented his “costume”...

**Ron:** ...Okay, that was legitimately terrifying.

**Draco:** So how do we stop her before shit goes down?

**Albus:** I have somehow discovered a secret talent no one knew I had within the last two months.

**Harry:** Oh yeah, what's that?

**Albus:** It's implied here that Delphi only got the potions ingredients together, but that _I_ actually made the Polyjuice myself. That was not clear to me at all from the scene where it happened, I could've sworn she handled everything. This play is _really_ bad at making things that are already super clear even more clear, and at the same time being super vague on, like, incredibly important plot points. Like the apparent fact that I'm _so_ good at making Polyjuice that I can do it in a few hours/possibly _minutes_ instead of, you know, a _fucking month._ All we need to do is break into Bathilda Bagshot's place again, hope that she is once again conveniently absent, and also hope that she never notices how much of her shit is missing and never tries to find out who took it. And then we use it to turn one of us into Voldemort. Or, even better, _all_ of us, that'd really fuck her up.

**Ron:** Have you got Voldemort's DNA as well, 'cause we don't. Which — how the ever-living _fuck_ did Delphi get access to bits of the three of us? Which bits did she _use!?_

**Hermione:** I do like the idea of one of us disguising ourselves in order to trick her.

**Harry:** Who here is super good at Transfiguration, we know from _Fantastic Beasts_ that that can work to eerie effect.

**Hermione:** None of us have the Elder Wand — and I know we have the Master of Death on hand but he only got an E on his O.W.L. — and of course we all remember quite vividly what he looks like. Or _will_ look like...I could very well imagine him still having a nose at a time before he turned a snake that herself used to be human into a Horcrux...

**Ginny:** You want to Transfigure into Voldemort?

**Albus:** ...Yes, Mum, that is exactly what we were just talking about. See shit like this is what _I'm_ talking about.

**Hermione:** Shut up, we need to figure out who's gonna do it.

_RON steps forward bravely._

**Ron:** I volunteer as tribute. It's gonna suck, but I think it's pretty well-established that I'm the most laid-back of anyone here. I've never been possessed by him, I've never had him live in my house while on tenterhooks that he'd kill me any second — I honestly think I'll be the least poorly affected by the aftermath.

_HARRY steps away, introspective._

**Hermione:** You mean you think I might freak out afterward, eh?

**Draco:** Okay, but what if she, like, wants a demonstration of Dark Magic or something? I unfortunately know stuff — I'd be more convincing. _I_ volunteer as tribute.

**Hermione:** No, _I_ volunteer as tribute, on the grounds that I am Minister for Magic and I want to. Also as a possible apology for not destroying the original Time-Turner in the first place and therefore causing all this shit to happen.

**Scorpius:** Speaking of those at fault, I volunteer—

**Draco:** No, no, and no, and no arguments.

**Albus:** Oh come on!

**Ginny:** ENOUGH! I do _not_ volunteer as tribute, do you hear me!? I am _never_ going to be any kind of vessel for him ever again!

**Harry:** I understand completely, Ginny. Which is why _I_ volunteer as tribute.

_Everyone turns to HARRY._

**Draco:** I advise you, as kind of sort of your friend, that you should not attempt this.

**Harry:** Nope, doin' it. Never mind the fact that she'll probably be overcome with emotion over meeting someone she never thought she would and wanted to for so long, she needs to _really_ believe it's him. Don't you see, _this_ is why the Horcrux revived itself to the point where I am suddenly a Parselmouth again — for this part of the plot and nothing else. Because she's going to say something random in Parseltongue and I have to pretend like I understand, and because I needed to say “open” one time, which even the films had established _Ron knows how to do,_ but that would mean Ron would be useful and we can never do that. No, it was very important that my Horcrux essentially come back to life for these incredibly minor things that could have easily been explained away with some other bullshit. Also I've been inside his head so I know him better or whatever.

**Ron:** ...You know, when you lay it all out like that, this whole thing seems like a raging dumpster fire.

**Hermione:** It's quite shit. Now do the thing.

**Ron:** I am still in disagreement. Like you said, all one needs is the tiniest smattering of Parseltongue, _which I can do—_

**Ginny:** I don't think I could take it if you turned into him. I really don't.

**Ron:** Like you said earlier, we don't have the Elder Wand on us, and we're great at what we do but I don't think we're necessarily as good as Grindelwald was. What if he ends up stuck like that forever, or worse, what if it wears off too quickly?

**Hermione:** That risk could apply to any of us. And I'd have to step down if it lasted forever on me, probably, which I don't want to do, I _like_ my job. And why're you bringing that up now, you didn't care when _you_ were going to be him!

**Ron:** Do you have any idea what having Voldemort around would do for the joke shop!? How many people would line up just to jinx him in ridiculous ways!?

**Hermione:** ...Holy shit, you and George should totally do something like that sometime, I can't believe you haven't already, someone write that shit immediately...

**Harry:** Gimme one quick sec, Hermione. Gin.

_GINNY and HARRY make eye contact._

It's up to you. The fabric of our reality will be completely undone if it turns out you don't want me to go through with it, but don't let that influence your decision.

_GINNY thinks a moment and then...softly nods? How does one nod_ softly!?

**Ginny:** Way to guilt me into it, you shitheel.

**Harry:** OKEY-DOKEY, LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!

**Draco:** Hold up, which direction are you gonna come in?

**Harry:** Figured I'd just Apparate in somewhere. She's watching for him, she'll notice.

**Draco:** Okay, then what? I don't care how emotional you make her, she can still probably kick your ass.

**Ron:** Power of teamwork? He lures her here and we zap her together.

**Draco:** With what spells!?

_HERMIONE looks around the room._

**Hermione:** Forget any notion of Disillusionment Charms or splitting up — I say all six of us crowd behind those doors over there, and *indicates the point where the light from the rose window oh by the way there's a rose window with light coming through it which is subject to movement and/or disappearance depending on the time if the implication is that it's sunlight hitting the floor* then we'll all tumble out and try to jinx her without hitting each other in the backs in the process. I learned so much from my time as a soldier in an underground war where laying low was paramount, you wouldn't believe it.

**Ron:** *looks to Draco* There's no time to argue over which spells to use, just use spells, it'll be fine.

**Hermione:** Y'all ready for this?

**Harry:** NOPE!

**Draco:** THIS IS NOT A PLAN! Despite us flapping our gums and saying words, we have pretty much said almost nothing! We should split up so we can get at her from more angles, we should use magical methods of concealment _which I know the Minister can do_ to make sure we're hidden, we should _decide which fucking spells each of us should use to take her down,_ we should have some kind of contingency should the Transfiguration wear off too quickly which we know it will—

**Albus:** Draco? Shut the fuck up.

_HARRY looks at ALBUS — moved._

**Hermione:** Apparently we're all doing this together, even the kids — which if they used magic to get the blanket to us how did the Trace not pick up on them, then or now — and despite each of our prowess or lack thereof with regards to Transfiguration.

_Everyone withdraws their wands. HARRY clasps his. Phrasing._

_There's a light that builds — that overwhelms...probably so the actors can switch out..._

_The transfiguration is slow, meaning they're probably holding up that light for a while and I'm starting to get a headache just picturing it._

_And the form of VOLDEMORT emerges from HARRY._

_And it's icky-pooey._

_He turns._

_He looks around at his friends and family._

_They look back — aghast._

**Ron:** I know it would utterly kill the mood if you struck a sick JoJo pose, but maybe that's exactly what we need right now. See, this is what I was talking about, humor helps us heal, this is why I should've done it.

**Harrymort:** So it worked, then?

**Ginny:** *gravely* I am never shagging you again.


	21. Act 4 Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Oh And For Those Zero Of You Who've Been Wondering, I Won't Be Parodying Any Of The Fantastic Beasts Films Until If/When All Five Of Them Are Out, So This And Next Week Will Probably Be It For Me HP-Wise For Quite Some Time Unless I Shit Out Another Oneshot For Funzies:** _Romeo and Juliet,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Farscape, Hamilton,_ Y Ruler of Time, _Archer,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling who did NOT leave a very large (or even remotely plausible) window for Delphi to have happened.

ACT FOUR, SCENE ELEVEN  
GODRIC'S HOLLOW, ST. JEROME'S CHURCH, 1981

_RON, HERMIONE, DRACO, SCORPIUS, and ALBUS stare at the window, looking out. GINNY can't look. She sits further back._

_ALBUS notices his mum sitting apart. Wonder how long it took him and how long they've been at this. He walks over to her._

**Albus:** Merlin's canceled Let's Play series, this scene's gonna be long.

**Ginny:** Tell me about it. And the whole time your father's gonna look like — that. My only love sprung from my only hate.

_ALBUS sits beside his mum._

**Albus:** Speculations about Scorpius aside, my first crush on a girl was on Voldemort's daughter. So yeah, that's how my life's been going.

**Ginny:** Meh, it could be interpreted that I at least fancied the idea of Tom — he was a kind person that put up with my bullshit. I feel like that's what most people look for in a partner.

**Albus:** This is all my fault.

_GINNY takes ALBUS in her arms._

**Ginny:** Kinda, yeah. It was one mistake.

**Albus:** It was a big mistake.

**Ginny:** It was one huge-ass mistake.

**Albus:** It was like a baby.

**Ginny:** *snorts* I mean, I think it's _more_ Hermione's fault, but...it's kinda funny. You're the second person I had to reassure that not _everything_ was his fault today, you know? No matter what you may think, you really are Harry's son. Because self-guilt is genetic now.

**Scorpius:** There. He's ready now.

**Hermione:** PLACES! And by that I mean everyone cower behind those doors over there in a jumbled mess, and don't come out until she's standing exactly where we want her to stand, which we won't be able to tell once the door's closed unless one of us is peaking out through a keyhole with the rest of us crowded around them. Everyone — do not throw away your shot.

_They all move fast._

**Draco:** Hermione Granger. I'm being bossed around by Hermione Granger. Which I should've basically already gotten used to due to the fact that she is the fucking Minister for fucking Magic. *smiles as she turns toward him* And I'm mildly enjoying it.

**Scorpius:** No, Dad! Don't! Stop! I know Mum's been gone a while and you miss having a warm body beside you, but could you kindly stop feeding the shippers, we've spent the whole play reinforcing R/Hr, don't frell it up for _those_ shippers, m'kay?

_They scatter. Behind the same two major doors that because of my limited capacity to visualize the way this is written I am convinced lead into the same room._

_HARRYMORT enters the church. He walks a few paces and then he turns._

**Harrymort:** Who dat?

_DELPHI emerges behind him. She is compelled to him. This is her father and this is the moment she's waited for her entire life. Fuck meeting her mother, why should that matter to her._

**Delphi:** Lord Voldemort. It me. I follow you.

**Audience:** STUN HER! STUN HER NOW!

**Harrymort:** ...I just realized that not once in this entire conversation did you ever deign to tell me your fucking name. Bit of an oversight, don't you think? Anyway, begone before I kill you — I'm in the middle of something and you're kind of fucking up my schedule here. Which is the perfect excuse for me to draw out my wand and just Stun you and get it over with because I'm Voldemort and I _kill and maim on a fucking whim so me attacking you immediately would be perfectly in character._

**Audience:** JUST TURN AROUND SLIGHTLY AND NONVERBALLY STUN HER! SHE'LL NEVER SEE IT COMING! WHY ARE YOU BEING SO STUPID! IN THIS ONE INSTANCE AND ALSO THE ENTIRE PLAY!

_She breathes deeply._

**Delphi:** I'm your daughter.

**Harrymort:** ...Dude I've possibly never had sex. Such human things are beneath me. Lots of headcanons have me as asexual, even. Or maybe just the headcanon of one loser.

_DELPHI looks at him imploringly. It would be so fucking easy to Stun her mid-sentence._

**Delphi:** I'm from the future. A future where you apparently consent to fuck Bellatrix, though Merlin knows why. I was born in Malfoy Manor before the Battle of Hogwarts, during a period of time where I guess everyone who lived there at the time who had known about it — because how couldn't you — had their memories modified, because you can bet Draco would've told everyone before now. Also _when_ was I born, it had to've been before Potter, Weasley, and Granger were all captured, because a baby bump would've been noticeable. Maybe it was sometime during HBP, but after Mother and Aunt Narcissa visited Snape, because Mother was thinking longingly of having children to sacrifice to your service at that point, so maybe that's what gave her the idea in the first place. If the pregnancy took place throughout HBP, you might've had a slightly better reason to make Mother stay inside and out of sight in order to keep me a secret until after Potter had died once and for all. And frankly we're missing a huge opportunity here — a chance to un-deify JKR's presentation of motherhood and show it how it truly is — something that not everyone is able to handle. Make Mother make good on her word to just give me to you to use for whatever end you see fit. That would have been _interesting._ And it's certainly possible that Mother could have lost the baby bump by the time the Malfoy Manor section in DH happened, though why Granger noticed nothing when she Polyjuiced into her that one time now begs question considering the body still does weird shit after the kid's born. But never mind those massively gaping plot holes that basically render this entire premise impossible unless you make a metric fuckton of leaps in logic — I've come to save you.

_HARRYMORT turns. So he's had his back to a possible enemy all this time. That is not something either HARRY or VOLDEMORT would have done. She meets his eyes and somehow doesn't realize this._

Rodolphus Lestrange was apparently cool with his wife being with someone else — I guess they had an open marriage, or one of them turned out to be poly, or maybe he was sterile and she _really_ wanted that baby to immediately give up. Also someone let him out of Azkaban. Why the fuck would you let _him_ out of Azkaban. Pottermore says there's been no escape since Shacklebolt removed the dementors so the only other explanation is that a _Lestrange_ of all people was released. I think I now know of an additional reason as to why Longbottom got drunk with Weasley offstage that one time. Anyway, Rodolphus tracked me down and told me who I was — so now I guess everything in this play is even _more_ Granger's fault if she was the one responsible for his release since I can't really see Shacklebolt being that terrible a person — and told me about some bullshit prophecy he apparently pulled out of his ass and wanted me to take care of for him while he quietly retreated offstage, never to be seen again. So I suppose it could be argued that since there was something that mentioned _you_ coming back, but not Mother, that I was convinced she might remain dead while you wouldn't, so that might be why I care less about her and more about you, but — again — time travel. Added to my already established misandry, why the fuck would I want to seek out a man when I clearly hold women in higher favor...

**Harrymort:** Okay I'm getting bored so I'm interrupting you. I am familiar with Bellatrix, and with her sisters. While Andromeda committed the ultimate sin of marrying a Mudblood, their progeny did, I must admit, prove to have extraordinary abilities. Is this a commonality with the neé Black sisters, I know Narcissa's child lacks the talent—

**Delphi:** What? Oh, no, I dye my hair because I want to be special. I guess is the implication, it's not a hundred percent clear.

**Harrymort:** ...No child of mine would get my hopes up like that.

_DELPHI speaks intently in Parseltongue._

_HARRYMORT laughs viciously._

Holy shit Ron was right, everything is bullshit and nothing matters.

_DELPHI rises into the air. HARRYMORT steps back, amazed._

**Delphi:** I have dubbed myself the Augurey, which I guess is the only name I want you to know me by, not unlike how you only want to be referred to as the Dark Lord until a certain timeline happens when you apparently no longer give a shit about your name being a symbol of fear anymore. Anyway, I want to serve you, just like my mother did. Because after all my talk of how men were scum and easily manipulated I am suddenly desperate to become subservient to one. And feminism marches on. SHUT UP, DAD, IT'S MY CHOICE!

**Harrymort:** *tries not to show his shock* _How_ did Albus and Scorpius not mention this when we were planning shit, exactly how little did we plan, this is just embarrassing now, I'm supposed to be a constantly vigilant Auror but this is pathetic...Also how did you learn how to fly from _me_ if I'm dead.

**Delphi:** Pfft, I don't fucking know.

**Harrymort:** What have you done!? Everything is stupid now! Look, you seem like an incredibly powerful witch, but you must understand that I'm trying to become immortal over here. And apparently I want to be the _only_ immortal; I'm certainly not offering up the secret to any of my followers so why should I offer it to you just because I (somehow) ejaculated one time? Will ejaculate. Time travel is confusing.

**Delphi:** Yeah no that shouldn't be a problem, _I_ am not scared of dying, I have devoted my life to being a child you could be proud of, the wording of which implies that Rodolphus was released years ago in my time, so really I guess everything really _is_ Shacklebolt's fault, that's discouraging—

**Harrymort:** *interrupts again* I spontaneously believe you now, if only because I know that's what you want to hear. Which would be the perfect opportunity to Stun you while your guard is down but I'm not going to do that.

**Audience:** _PETRIFICUS TOTALUS! INCARCEROUS! AVADA KEDAVRA!_ _**SOMETHING!**_

_She looks at him, which apparently she hadn't been doing before even though it was clearly indicated that she had been, deeply moved._

**Delphi:** YAY PARENTAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT!

**Harrymort:** THIS PLAY IS MEANT TO BRING UP AND THEN RESOLVE DADDY ISSUES AND NOTHING ELSE!

**Delphi:** AT LAST, SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS!

**Harrymort:** Come into the light, I can't see shit. I could use magic to light up this place, of course, but...I don't wanna.

**Delphi:** Oh and that thing you were gonna do tonight — maybe don't do it at all? You'll kind of asplode and — I know you have Horcruxes but it's still not a great idea, you know?

_HARRYMORT's hand turns back into Harry's hand. Again, how live, want see. He looks at it, astonished and dismayed that he would draw such obvious attention to such a change, and then quickly pulls it inside his sleeve._

**Harrymort:** What, are James and Lily Potter even stronger than their reputations suggest?

**Delphi:** No, by all accounts they were actually wandless — but it's not them you should be worried about. It's the tiny baby who may or may not have shat his nappy when all this happened.

**Harrymort:** ...Wut.

**Delphi:** Something about a love shield — if I knew how it worked, which I thought was common knowledge by now but I guess not, I'd tell you to ignore Snape's request for a trophy and just murder the whole family without giving any of them a semblance of a chance, but I guess I think it's safer to just avoid killing them at all. Again with you living only because of Horcruxes, but you then get obsessed with revenge, wanting to be the one to finish Harry off even though _soooo_ many of your Death Eaters had way better shots at it, and this ensures that he survives to destroy all your Horcruxes — or at least inform people who'll do it for him — and kill you. You wanna avoid death? Then do what I say.

_HARRYMORT's hair begins to sprout, he feels it, he attempts to cover it. He pulls his hood over his head, not once thinking of raising his wand and Stunning her in the same movement._

**Audience:** ...Fuck it, you deserve to all be slaughtered at this point.

**Harrymort:** Yeah, no, okay, you're right.

**Delphi:** ...Did _not_ think it'd be this easy, but okay I guess!

_HARRYMORT shrinks down — he is now more HARRY than VOLDEMORT. He turns his back to DELPHI — the ultimate smart move for a trained Auror. I can't believe how disappointed I am in all these characters I used to love and now barely recognize._

Dude you okay?

**Harry:** *tries desperately to still sound like Voldemort without resorting to the Parseltongue he was so fixated on needing for this encounter* You did the good thing, now ignore the part where I'm not facing you and come into the light so I can have a better look at what came out of my dick.

_DELPHI sees a door slightly sway open and then be pulled shut. This will probably be blamed on RON, but then again how else are they supposed to see when DELPHI's hit her mark if they don't take a peek. She frowns at the oldest distraction ever, thinking rapidly, her suspicion growing._

**Delphi:** Why is it taking me so long to figure shit out and also why aren't you taking advantage of my confusion to attack.

**Audience:** I don't even fucking care anymore.

_She tries to get a glimpse of his face again — there is almost a dance happening here. I could be binge-watching the Very Potter Musicals right now. In fact I think I might after this..._

**Delphi:** Heeeeey, you're not Lord Voldemort!

_DELPHI unleashes a bolt from her hand. So I guess she never got another wand after all. Boy is someone going to be confused when they're doing the maze clean-up and they find an extra wand none of the champions can lay claim to. HARRY matches her._

Incendio!

**Harry:** What should be an easy Stupefy is instead also incendio!

_The bolts meet in a beautiful explosion in the middle of the room. Thorne knows that's the fire-lighting spell, right?_

_And with her other hand DELPHI sends bolts to both doors as they try to open._

**Delphi:** Shit, Potter, how'd you get here? Damn it, I _knew_ I should've killed those shit kids, why the fuck didn't I. Anyway, _colloportus!_

_HARRY looks at the doors, dismayed for some reason, even there's no reason for him to be, considering all the magical ways one could get around that spell._

HA! Now you _have_ to face me alone! There's nothing that can break that spell! Nothing!

**Hermione:** *from off* Oh no! Nothing we could try would ever possibly work, so let's not even bother!

**Ginny:** Finite incantatem...reducto...bombarda...expulso...not even necessarily through the doors, just one of the surrounding walls—

**Harry:** HELP WILL NEVER COME FROM THEM I MUST FIGHT YOU ALONE!

**Ginny:** Did you guys know that Harry is stupid?

**Harry:** Did you guys know that Ginny is right?

_He moves to attack her again. But she is far stronger, even without a wand somehow. HARRY's wand ascends upwards toward her. His is disarmed. REMUS must be_ cackling.

BITCH THAT'S _MY_ SPELL!

**Delphi:** I know. Do you know how easy it is to spy on your when your forehead doesn't act like a homing beacon?

**Harry:** ...You have blue and silver hair. I feel like I would have noticed you before.

**Delphi:** Which might actually be the reason I dyed it, so you wouldn't recognize me. I'm not expecting my father to love me — I know he's physically incapable of that. I just want him to notice me, senpai! _Expulso!_

_HARRY rolls away as the floor asploads behind him. No one trapped behind the doors considers using this same spell on the walls, the floor, or even the doors themselves after having been given such a blatant reminder that that spell exists. At least DELPHI, along with everyone else, forgot that nonverbal magic is also a thing. HARRY crawls frantically under a church pew, trying to work out how he can fight her._

...Well this is kind of pathetic. Heh, you're crawling here, and right next door that's your main way of getting around at present. _Wingardium leviosa!_

_The church pew ascends into the air._

Should I bother killing you? Or should I leave you alive, so that you can try to muck up all my plans yep talked myself into it you die now.

_She sends the pew down hard upon him. It smashes as he rolls desperately away._

_ALBUS emerges from a grate on the floor. Neither notice._

Probably should've led with this. _Avada—_

**Albus:** OI!

**Harry:** Oh shit, oh Merlin please no.

**Delphi:** Why am I still talking, is the tendency to monologue genetic as well, Merlin. _Avada kedavra!_

_She fires the Killing Curse at ALBUS — but HARRY throws him out of the way. The bolt smashes into the ground. Boy would this light show be interesting to witness firsthand._

_He fires a bolt back. Not sure how considering he was disarmed earlier but fuck me I guess._

Dude. I know wandless magic and can fucking fly. I'm kind of infinitely better than you. I really love how I was able to cut straight through your attempt to look like a cool guy.

**Harry:** Ah, you called me out on my shit.

**Delphi:** That took one second, that was so easy.

**Harry:** Yep. You're definitely better.

_They fire bolts mercilessly at each other — should this duel even be happening right now, does Harry know wandless magic too, did he get his wand back at some point that we're just not privy to because Thorne is terrible at stage directions — as ALBUS rolls quickly away and slams a spell into one door and then another. Okay so maybe there are two different doors leading to two different rooms instead of the double doors I've been picturing this whole time. Sure would be nice if we could get a description of any of these sets..._

But I bet my son could kick your ass.

_ALBUS opens both doors with his wand._

**Albus:** _Alohomora! Alohomora!_ Why didn't anyone try this! Why didn't _you_ try this, Dad, instead of jumping right into a duel with her! Or was that your intent the whole time, you self-sacrificing fuck!

**Harry:** That's why, as usual, I'm gonna take loads of help but wind up with all the credit, for that is how I roll.

_And HERMIONE, RON, GINNY, and DRACO emerge from the doors, and fire up their spells at DELPHI, leaving SCORPIUS inside as he screams in exasperation at being left out. This is titanic. I'll believe that when I fucking see it. Which I can't unless they decide to film it and release it to a much wider audience. Which will never fucking happen. But she can't fight them all._

_There are a series of bangs — and then, overwhelmed, Delphi tumbles to the floor._

**Delphi:** Why am I...still even conscious.

**Hermione:** _Brachiabindo,_ because I too have forgotten Incarcerous!

_She's bound. And still conscious._

_HARRY advances toward DELPHI. He doesn't take his eyes off her. If there's a stage direction having him look at her again I am going to throw such a huge babby tantrum._

**Harry:** You okay, son?

**Albus:** Yep. Definitely feeling smarter than you, which makes me feel pretty damn good inside.

_HARRY still doesn't take his eyes off DELPHI. This is acceptable, I'll accept this. He's still scared of her. Which is why he should Stun her._

**Harry:** WHAT THE FUCK, GINNY.

**Ginny:** He was down in the grate before we could stop him, don't yell at me!

**Harry:** Fine, but is he okay!?

**Albus:** I already told you, yes! Jesus!

_HARRY keeps advancing toward DELPHI._

**Harry:** So. You murdered a child and you have attempted to murder so many others. Also you've got a _lot_ of important people hacked off at you now. Exactly what were you hoping for, here.

**Delphi:** To get to know my father? You're an orphan, I figured you'd get it.

_These words take HARRY by surprise. Somehow. Even though her actions and GINNY's revelaitons should've meant that he'd gotten it by now._

**Harry:** What about your mother?

**Delphi:** Pfft, women don't matter! This is a play about _daddy_ issues, why would we want to bring my motherly shit into this? And frankly I think people get their fill of motherly love being the be-all end-all in the original canon, what with you still knowing way more about your father than your mother and Dumbledore implying that you only wanted revenge on your father while your mother was just a simple plot device designed so you wouldn't die!

**Harry:** ...Nothing about you makes a lick of sense, you know that?

**Delphi:** *truly pitiful even though no one really pities her* Then just kill me so no one has to deal with me anymore.

_HARRY thinks for a moment._

**Harry:** Enh...Nah. I'm not that nice.

**Albus:** Does magical Britain not have the death penalty?

**Harry:** It does not. With the getting rid of the dementors thing I'm pretty sure we don't even do the Kiss anymore.

**Albus:** Pity.

_HARRY turns and looks at his son and then at GINNY._

**Harry:** Kid, I know we're currently being satirized by a woman who leans left on most things but is actually super pro death penalty if the case is severe enough, but we are not she.

**Hermione:** We prefer making people _live_ with the consequences of their actions.

**Ron:** Because if there's anything we've learned, or should have learned, it's that there are things worse than death.

**Delphi:** Can you at least erase my memory? I don't want to live like this.

**Ron:** That's kinda what I meant.

**Harry:** Of course there is one problem with us sending her to jail for potentially erasing an entire fabric of reality or three. Currently, today, Albus, I don't believe there is a crime that actually fits.

**Ron:** So you are charged with eight hundred counts of first-degree holy shit.

**Hermione:** All right, so, we're gonna — Okay, you stay in jail while we draft new laws to fit this, then we're gonna charge you with those laws.

**Ginny:** At _least_ 1200 counts of first-degree what the fuck.

**Hermione:** You'll go to Azkaban, just like your mother did. And I guess we now have to track down your stepdad and put him back with you, I don't know what Kingsley was thinking.

**Draco:** Dude I just realized she's my cousin. Like, she's related to pretty much everyone in the Black line now. _Teddy_ is related to her. Remus Lupin and Lord Motherfucking Voldemort are now on the same family tree. Truly, pregnancy is the destroyer of all.

_HARRY hears a noise. A hissing noise._

_And then there is a noise like death — a noise like nothing else we've heard before other than the four or five times we've already heard it._

_Haaaarry Pottttter..._

_Having it written like that makes it seem like Draco's the one who said it. Nothing like the smell of dead horse._

**Scorpius:** Oh am I out of one of the rooms now, am I back in the scene, how lovely. See to it that our...quarry...remains secure.

**Harry:** Is he just muttering my name to himself as he nears my parents' house, what even is, why is there that.

**Albus:** Wait, what?

**Ron:** Uh, Voldemort's coming? That thing we've expected to happen all night?

**Delphi:** Father?

**Hermione:** Now? Here? The exact time and place where he does the bad thing? I AM UTTERLY FLABBERGASTED AT THIS TURN OF EVENTS! MY GAS IS FULLY FLABBERED!

**Delphi:** Father, the Minster thirty-nine years from now is going to be even dumber than Fudge!

**Draco:** Why is this bitch still conscious. _Silencio!_ *gags Delphi* Wingardium leviosa! *sends her upward and away, still conscious and able to perform wandless magic, how does this end as well as it does*

**Harry:** He's coming. And this time it _is_ just phrasing.

_VOLDEMORT comes through the back of the stage and across it, and walks down into the auditorium. I would_ so _be one of those assholes who would try to high-five him as he passed so maybe it's better that I never see it live after all. This part sounds super cool, though, I'll give it that._


	22. Act 4 Part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Look Upward And Share The Wonders I've Seen:** _Farscape, Hamilton,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Game of Thrones, Hatoful Boyfriend, Mary Poppins,_ and anything ever created by J.K. Rowling who I really felt would have pointed out a certain worst fear of her titular character that we've spent seven books with before it spontaneously showed up here.

ACT FOUR, SCENE TWELVE  
GODRIC'S HOLLOW, 1981

_HARRY looks after VOLDEMORT helplessly._

**Harry:** Remember the double murder this series started with that somehow got it marketed as for kids despite it basically being a home invasion but since it was beams of light instead of bullets that somehow made it okay? THAT'S WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN NOW!

**Draco:** ...I mean technically it doesn't have to.

**Scorpius:** And that would mean a total conflagration.

**Albus:** Exactly. Think of all the Weasley jumpers Grandma Molly won't knit Dad over the years if he actually had parents. Also something about less of us existing and/or different people dying.

**Draco:** Good point, I will the shut up.

_GINNY takes HARRY's hand. It's quiet uptown._

**Ginny:** ...Wanna go? Despite the fact that...hang about, how the fuck do we get back to the future, shit. No, for real, this is never addressed, we're just back and everything's fine, it makes no sense.

**Harry:** Despite me having already witnessed this, from the point of view of the murderer no less...Remember that problem I had during PoA where I was so desperate to hear my parents' voices that I subjected myself to the dementors willingly and repeatedly? I think a little of that might be happening now. Also, y'know, the usual self-flagellation. I am _actually_ letting two people die here, as well as any semblance of a loving family I might've had growing up.

**Hermione:** Sweet. Where's the popcorn.

**Ron:** *passes her some* Wow. Dead people. Look at that. Look at that shit.

_We hear unfamiliar voices...I have DH open in front of me right now, they better get it right this time...I am_ such _a pedantic asshole..._

**James:** *from off* Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off!

_There is a blast, and then a laugh. So far so accurate._

You keep away, you understand — you understand that I never said this, that this was an added line for absolutely no reason whatsoever!

**Voldemort:** *from off* The moment you open your mouth, you're already wrong. _Avada kedavra!_

_HARRY flinches as green light flashes around the auditorium._

_ALBUS takes his other hand. HARRY grasps hold of it. He needs it._

**Albus:** HOW BADASS WAS GRANDPA JUST NOW. MOTHERFUCKER DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A WAND. NOW _THAT_ IS SOME TRUE LOVE RIGHT THERE, THAT'S PUTTING THE NEEDS OF OTHERS OVER YOUR OWN, MORE SELF-SERVING ONES — I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THAT “ALWAYS” BULLSHIT AGAIN!

_GINNY rises beside him and...takes HARRY's other hand...even though she was already holding it before. What, did she let_ go!? _Why would she do that!? He leans into them, they're holding him up now._

**Harry:** That's my mum at the window. I have to tell the audience this since they can't see it for themselves despite plays being visual mediums. I can see my mother. Were this a book or a _proper_ visual medium I wouldn't have had to say such a descriptor and thus possibly ruin such a supposedly somber moment with clunky dialogue, she looks beautiful, and now I sound unintentionally creepy.

_There's the sound of banging as doors are blasted off. And presumably chairs and boxes are cast aside, yes?_

**Lily:** *from off* Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!

**Voldemort:** *from off* Stand aside, you silly girl...stand aside now...

**Lily:** *from off* Not Harry! Please...have mercy...have mercy...Not my son! The first inaccuracy Thorne's made me make since I guess he thought repeating “Not Harry!” two more times would be too repetitive! Please — I'll do anything—

**Voldemort:** *from off* ...Huh. I'm supposed to tell you to “Stand aside. Stand aside, girl!” one more time before running out of patience and _then_ murdering you, but I guess Thorne got bored.

**Lily:** *from off* ...You know, calling me “girl” when I'm a fully-grown woman is really condescending and infantilizing and feeds into the notion that females can never truly be expected to look after themselves, furthering the unspoken insistence that we are inferior to males—

**Voldemort:** *from off* Oh _fuck_ this. _Avada kedavra!_

_And it's like lightning passes through HARRY's body. He's sent to the floor, a pure mess of grief. So at least_ someone _cared about their mother, Jesus Horatio Wadsworth Christ..._

_And a noise like a shrunken scream_ — what — _descends and ascends_ — WHAT — _around us._

_And we just watch. Because these tickets were expensive and probably harder to get than ones for_ Hamilton. _Which if given the choice it would be_ Hamilton _every time, I don't care, that's not even a real choice._

_And slowly what was there is no longer there. Which...They talking about VOLDEMORT? JAMES and LILY? What is that supposed to mean, what am I_ visually _supposed to be experiencing here?_

_And the stage transforms and rotates._

_And HARRY and his family and his friends are rotated off and away._

ACT FOUR, SCENE THIRTEEN  
GODRIC'S HOLLOW, INSIDE JAMES AND LILY POTTER'S HOUSE, 1981

_And we're in the ruins of a house. A house that has undergone a vicious attack. That we just fucking heard play out. Merlin's silver occamy eggshells this is awful._

_HAGRID walks through the ruins, for which I am grateful — with all the clear allusions to the film versions over the books, the maze from the third task being the most obvious example, I half-expected SNAPE to come plodding through here, sob over LILY while a visibly injured INFANT bawls in the background, and then fuck off before HAGRID and SIRIUS showed up. I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank you, play — at least you finally confirmed that as noncanon._

**Hagrid:** James?

_He looks about himself._

Lily?

_He walks slowly, unable to see too much too soon. He is entirely overwhelmed._

_And then he sees them, implying that their bodies are near each other even though one was downstairs and the other upstairs, but then again how do you illustrate a two-story house in a play this seemingly limited, and he stops, and he says nothing. Here's the nothing that he says:_

Oh. Oh. That's not — That's not — I weren' — they told me, but — I were hopin' fer better...

_He looks at them and bows his head. He mutters a few words._

A few words.

_Then he takes some crumpled flowers from his deep pockets and lays them on the floor._

I'm sorry, they told me, he told me, Dumbledore told me, I can' wait with yeh. Them Muggles're comin', yeh see, with their flashin' blues an' they won' 'preciate a big lummox like me, would they?

_He lets out a sob. This just got really hard to make fun of._

Hard though it is ter leave yeh. I want yeh ter know — you won' be forgotten — not by me — not by anyfolk.

_And then he hears a sound — the sound of a baby snuffling. HAGRID turns toward it, walking with more intensity now._

_He looks down and stands over the crib. Which seems to radiate light. Because HARRY is a Jesus allegory. SHUT UP I'M TRYING._

Well. Hello. You must be Harry. Hello, Harry Potter. I'm Rubeus Hagrid. An' I'm gonna be yer friend whether yeh like it or not. 'Cause yeh've had it tough, not that yeh know it yet.

And yer gonna need friends.

Now you best come with me, don' yeh think?

_As flashing blue lights fill the room, giving it an almost ethereal glow — I honestly don't think the cops would show up until long after HAGRID's gone but okay — he lifts BABY HARRY gently into his arms._

_And then — without looking back — he strides away through the house so he can meet up with SIRIUS and get that flying motorbike._

_And we descend into soft black._

ACT FOUR, SCENE FOURTEEN  
HOGWARTS, CLASSROOM

_SCORPIUS and ALBUS run into a room, full of excitement. They slam the door after themselves._

**Scorpius:** I can't believe I just did a thing that'll make most of the internet semi-legitimately accuse Thorne of queer-baiting! Frell, whether he did or not, I'm afraid that...tumblr will insist.

**Albus:** With what remaining members? Wait, are we really doing this again?

**Scorpius:** Yep! I warned you! Let's see what's left in the fuel tank: Despite me obviously fancying Rose Granger-Weasley all throughout the play, people are going to treat the fact that I like her as an asspull because it hasn't been brought up in a while!

**Albus:** Despite you being more upset than I was when she ceased to exist in Act Two, and she's my cousin/former best friend.

**Scorpius:** And who cares that bisexuality and also pansexuality are things that exist — because I am primarily shown to be attracted to a female, the fandom must weep for I am now evidently the straight. Appeasement? Suicide.

**Albus:** Also while I think the most ardent of straight defenders would agree that of course we love each other...it could also be true that one or both of us _just might not like the penis._

**Scorpius:** WHICH THERE IS STILL NOTHING WRONG WITH! THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH NOT LIKING COCK! And despite trying to jump mine in an alternate reality, Polly might just've wanted me for my status — she might not really like cock either, we'll never know but I just gave you even more of the fanfic fuel! Have fun! Affect the things you can!

**Albus:** Has there been an upswing in femslash since the LGBTQ+ community's been slightly allowed to be more open, I haven't really paid attention.

**Scorpius:** No idea, though I wouldn't be surprised if she and Rose were paired up, they're both kind of portrayed as awful people in this play, though that could still just be from Thorne not knowing how to write women. *beat* Frell, does _Rose_ like the penis, 'cause if not that is a legit reason she can give me for not being interested that I would actually listen to, because I'm a possessive child, so I can finally give up and start trying to move on...And soon.

**Albus:** Don't ask me, I still don't think we talk all that much unless she wants to impress an adult. Least, I _think_ that's still our dynamic, I'm honestly not sure. It would be nice if the play actually _told_ us anything. Like how much time has passed since we did all the things.

**Scorpius:** Assuming we're both still fourteen, technically your mum should be seventy-eight, Dad, Harry and Ron should all be seventy-nine, Hermione should be eighty, _you_ should be a hundred and four, and I should be _one hundred and twenty-nine._ Assuming I got the math right which is always doubtful. I'll get back into the dumpster.

**Albus:** Forget the utter disregard for canon, I think that's been played out enough, let's get back into fan bitching about our sexualities and what they may or may not be.

**Scorpius:** No Albus, that is not necessary. Mainly because the aromantic borderline-asexual writing this could not be more bored of this conversation. I mean yes representation matters, but...we're arguing about romance. Which is automatically boring to her.

**Albus:** And yet she got all giddy over R/Hr stuff.

**Scorpius:** You let me finish. I'll show you the difference. Those two are basically her IRL parents, there's precedent for excitement.

**Albus:** Well tough either way, because I'm about to wax poetic about how I thought I would be in a relationship before you did, with emphasis on having a _girl_ friend. Which — could be what I'm just expected to do and can't actually _see_ that there's an alternative, that happens too.

**Scorpius:** Okay, okay, the common reaction to not making a character LGBTQ+ is often “it wasn't important to the plot” to which the outcry is usually “then why'd you put them in a heterosexual relationship in the end,” but in this case I think you liking older women, or at least that particular older woman, _was_ plot relevant since it could be argued that you did half this stupid dren because the power of boners compelled you! HA! Argument potentially won! I will not go easily. Also we got a new Potions professor, evidently. Midway through the year from the sound of it if not near the end.

**Albus:** At what point did Slughorn retire anyway, it had to be before this year, right? I know there's a portrait of him in the Common Room when he ain't even dead yet...

**Scorpius:** Yes, it's a shame about Slughorn. He'll be fondly remembered. *beat* Dren, that could've been another free Where Are They Now name drop, for either the previous Potions master after Slughorn or whoever this new replacement is, what a waste of an opportunity...

**Albus:** ...Shit, what if _she_ doesn't like cock, who'm I gonna obsess over? _You!?_

_ROSE comes past them on the stairs. She looks at them both._

**Rose:** 'Sup.

_Neither boy knows quite how to reply — she looks at SCORPIUS._

You are not entitled to a relationship with me. I am not some shrew that needs to be tamed. I have told you many a time that I am not interested in you; I am under absolutely no obligation to date you if I do not wish to. And the more you indulge in this obsessive behavior, the more I am convinced it will lead to stalking at _best._ Do _yourself_ a favor and find a way to healthily move on before things get out of hand.

**Scorpius:** As it should be. I won't trouble you again...until I need to.

**Rose:** …I suppose that's a start. “Scorpion Death God.”

_She walks off with a smile on her face. SCORPIUS and ALBUS look at each other. ALBUS grins and punches SCORPIUS on the arm._

**Albus:** Aw yeah, she _totally_ wants that D!

**Scorpius:** Ignoring all the unfortunate implications this entire scene just dumped on us — Quidditch. Is thing. I thought I might offer...a course of action it seems you have not considered yet.

**Albus:** But we don't care about the sportsball! We're nerds!

**Scorpius:** Yeah but all this boll yotz we've been through may or may not have turned me into a bit of an adrenaline junkie. Might use Quidditch as an outlet. Then we'll have pizza. And margarita shooters!

**Albus:** Nobody. Has margaritas. With pizza. And unfortunately we don't have decent enough production value to portray Quidditch onstage without turning into A Very Potter Sequel — I mean I can't go, my dad's coming up.

**Scorpius:** Trying to get away from even more paperwork, is he? There is no escape.

**Albus:** See, that would've been a nice little callback to a thing we established earlier, but fuck that I guess. He's exercising his right to just randomly take his children from Hogwarts for no reason.

**Scorpius:** To be fair, the book series was told from the perspective of an orphan; this could actually be a fairly common occurrence that we're just not aware of. Patience...and all will be clear.

**Albus:** No it won't. 'Sides, I still think it more likely that it's Harry Freakin' Potter and he kind of just does what the fuck ever he wants.

_SCORPIUS reaches in and hugs ALBUS._

Damn it, I thought we were past the queer-baiting discussion, why'd you have to bring it back up by daring to be a male who shows physical affection toward another male!

**Scorpius:** But this feels far more appropriate to the moment. Don't you think? It's just that the original _Lord of the Rings_ movie trilogy was such a huge part of my childhood. All of the men in those films cried at the drop of a hat and none of them were ever afraid to hug each other. This made even the hobbits, elves, and dwarves seem more human. Excuse me if I don't think they're the worst examples to follow.

**Albus:** ...If we ever did it, you think Rose might want to watch?

**Scorpius:** Now you make the correct decision!

_The two boys dislocate and grin at each other._

**Albus:** OKAY BYEEEE!

ACT FOUR, SCENE FIFTEEN  
A BEAUTIFUL HILL

_HARRY and ALBUS walk up a hill on a beautiful summer's day. Even though exams haven't happened yet so I guess Britain considers late May/early June to be summer, which it does feel like but technically isn't. They say nothing, enjoying the fact that this shit is finally almost over as they climb._

**Harry:** Studying for fourth year exams?

**Albus:** ...Clearly not right now. In general? Sure, let's go with that.

**Harry:** O.W.L. year after that. You must be ever so thrilled. In my fifth year, because of course everything has to be all about me—

_He looks at ALBUS. He smiles. He talks quickly._

Okay so I get that I have to realize that the two of us are different people with different experiences, needs, and desires. Just don't get Neville killed and you'll already have done a better job than I did with my own godfather.

**Albus:** Sounds easy enough.

_HARRY smiles._

So while me and Scorpius were waiting for you lot to show up, we got to watch you and your parents for a bit. I have a feeling Pettigrew just invalidated the Fidelius Charm entirely somehow, I think that's the only explanation for how we could all see the house. And oh my god Dad you were so cute and your parents were so cute with you and everything was adorable and happy and perfect and I'd tell you about the thing your dad did with the smoke but frankly you already know about it since you saw things from Voldemort's point of view, this is known—

**Harry:** It is known.

**Albus:** I think you'd have liked them. And I think James and Lily would've liked not being named after two people used to fuck each other and making the ship wars even weirder than they already were. Though I gotta say I wouldn't mind still being named after Snape if you did it solely to piss your father off, I think that'd be hilarious.

_HARRY nods. There's a slightly uncomfortable silence. Both are trying to reach each other here, both are failing. How. They totally just reached each other. Stop contradicting yourself, you shitty excuse of a writer._

**Harry:** So the Horcrux came back to life for no reason but I guess it's dead again now.

**Albus:** How convenient.

**Harry:** I could've just been having nightmares and phantom pains this whole time like your mother and Draco said. Ron could've easily faked his way through the Parseltongue shit. Fuck, _I_ could've pulled a Dumbledore and self-taught myself key phrases at least so this utter spit in the face of canon need not have happened. Forget the time travel bullshit, that can be excused if you don't take Pottermore as canon, but making the Horcrux arbitrarily pull a _me_ is kind of taking a dump on my sacrifice if you ask me.

_He looks at ALBUS._

These are the words to “Dear Theodosia.” They sound pretty overly saccharine when not sung to a baby but you're gonna listen to them anyway. *clears throat*  
 _Oh Albus, when you smile I am undone_  
 _My sonLook at my son_  
Pride is not the word I'm looking for  
 _There is so much more inside me now_  
 _Oh Albus, you outshine the morning sun_  
 _My son_  
 _When you smile_  
 _I fall apart_  
 _And I thought I was so smart_

**Albus:** ...Ah.

**Harry:** And — earlier, how we were talking about how you didn't think I was scared of anything? You know that modified Muggle night light in me and your mum's room that Grandpa Arthur made is for _me,_ right?

**Albus:** You're scared of the dark?

**Harry:** Not too fond of closed spaces either, for reasons that should be obvious. Saw a few fics where I was actually clausrophilic instead since it took me back to a time where I wasn't responsible for the fate of humanity, but whatever, I suppose either argument works. Also — I've never told anyone this — and it'll be memed to death — but I don't much like... *hesitates before saying it* ...pigeons.

**Albus:** U wot?

**Harry:** *scrunches up his face* Nasty, pecky, dirty things. They give me the creeps.

**Albus:** ...Okay that has _got_ to be some residual Tuney influence right there.

**Harry:** Probably. But my actual worst fear, that's really hard to express physically so a boggart might just show a dementor as always, is being a parent. Because I've not nothing to go on. Sirius was around for a couple of years but “the risk would have made it fun for James” still smarts, Remus ran away as soon as he knocked up his wife and I had to scream at him so he'd go back, Arthur never really felt like a proper father figure since I always felt like I was intruding on his own kids, Dumbledore was setting me up for death since I was at least twelve if not earlier, and I love Hagrid to bits but he's more like a big brother than a dad...  
 _My father wasn't around_  
 _(My father wasn't around)_  
 _I swear that I'll be around for you_  
 _I'll do whatever it takes_  
 _(I'll make a million mistakes)_  
 _I'll make the world safe and sound for you_

**Albus:** That's sweet. And I'll try to be less of a douchebag from now on. I mean, I'll never be able to reach James's heights, but—

**Harry:** Merlin I hope I'm never as much of a colossal bag of dicks as James is. Least I named him correctly, Merlin's chocobo ranch...

**Albus:** ...You mean he doesn't take after you?

**Harry:** He gets to go around crowing about how he's the firstborn of the great Harry Potter. I didn't even know who my parents _were_ until I was eleven, and even then I knew so little about them and everyone was praising me for the shit _I_ did — which was really all Mum's doing anyway — that I never got to ride any coattails, not really.

**Albus:** And me being sorted into Slytherin, neither do I. So we've got more in common than I thought, then.

_HARRY smiles at ALBUS._

**Harry:** You and your mother's characters are so ill-defined that I have to spell out traits for the audience. The ultimate sign of a good writer.

**Albus:** HEY REMEMBER THAT TIME I NEARLY FUCKED EVERYTHING UP FOR EVERYONE!?

**Harry:** BOY DO I! But at least you brought Delphi out into the open — presumably Teddy and Bill are fine now, we never did get a follow-up on what's happening with the giants, trolls, and werewolves but with the implication that everything's back to normal now why bother stating that we've tied up all the loose ends — and you and Scorpius got to go through some character development or whatever. See, we fucked up, but it's okay.

**Albus:** THAT IS SUCH A STUPID MESSAGE!

**Harry:** It's _fiiiiine._

**Albus:** Okay but I still have major survivor's guilt, though.

**Harry:** YOU THINK I DON'T!?

**Albus:** *stomach sinks, knows this isn't what his dad would do even though his dad would totally do this* I wanted to kill her. I wanted her dead.

**Harry:** I wanted to kill her mother after Sirius was murdered. I _did_ use a weak Cruciatus on Bellatrix. And I used a stronger one on Amycus Carrow just for spitting at McGonagall. Is frankly what I should be telling you now but I'm not for some reason. _Maybe if someone had read the books recently..._

**Albus:** We'll still never know what the Sorting Hat said to me, for some reason, but I'm still convinced Slytherin equals evil.

**Harry:** Would you fucking stop that. I may never truly understand you — and frankly I shouldn't until you're done going through puberty — but I know you're a good person. It doesn't matter if you're in Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, or Jigglypuff. In the long run, labels like that _do not fucking matter._  
 _You will come of age with our young nation_  
 _We'll bleed and fight for you_  
 _We'll make it right for you_  
 _If we lay a strong enough foundation_  
 _We'll pass it on to you_  
 _We'll give the world to you_  
 _And you'll blow us all away_  
 _Someday, someday_  
 _Yeah you'll blow us all away_  
 _Someday, someday_

**Albus:** Oh I'll blow you away, all right. I'm going to stream video games on Twitch for a living, but the only game I'll ever play is _Hatoful Boyfriend._

**Harry:** ...I don't—

**Albus:** IT'S A GAME WHERE YOU FUCK PIGEONS, DAD.

_HARRY starts sobbing in horror._

**Harry:** ARGH, WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS!?

**Albus:** You named me after two men who enjoyed making your life miserable, what did you expect.

**Harry:** I — okay, good point.

_ALBUS looks around himself._

**Albus:** Dude where even are we right now apart from “a beautiful hill.”

**Harry:** A place where my survivor's guilt drags me a lot. Not as much as other places, but...

**Albus:** But this is a graveyard...I have to say because the people reading the script at home can't see shit...

**Harry:** Check it. Cedric's grave.

**Albus:** Ha HA I basically sent him there.

**Harry:** How well did you know Craig Bowker?

**Albus:** Dude I didn't even know he was in Slytherin until you came to the dorm to get me and he tried to tell you off.

**Harry:** ...Wow, at least I always knew Cedric was a Hufflepuff. Motherfucker could've done literally anything with his life. The opportunities he would've had were absolutely limitless. As it is, of course I only speculate on Quidditch and Wizard Cop since they're the only jobs I'm aware of besides teaching but ignore that, everyone does. Anyway, like I said. Survivor's guilt. Is thing.

**Albus:** Yeah — I'll probably visit Craig's grave a lot, too, I can see myself doing that.

_ALBUS joins his dad in front of CEDRIC's grave. HARRY smiles at his son and looks up at the sky._

**Harry:** Wanna end this on randomly and pitifully commenting on the weather?

_He touches his son's shoulder. And the two of them — just slightly — melt together._

**Albus:** *smiles* Nah. I think we should end things in song, you've inspired me.

**Harry:** Yeah? What'd you have in mind?

**Albus:**   
_Early each day_   
_To the steps of St. Paul's_   
_The little old bird woman comes—_

**Harry:** I CHANGED MY MIND I WISH YOU WEREN'T MY SON FUCK YOU I'M LEAVING.

**Albus:** *cackles*

_Mischief Managed._


End file.
